My marriage: disillusioned from day one

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Augusta_Sans said:
SEX COUNSELOR
I would like to see a sex counselor. I suggested it way back when we first separated, but he wasn’t game then. He is game now (we have talked about it). But we’re having a hard time finding a sex therapist in our area. I’ve talked to my mother (a counselor in another state) and even she doesn’t know how to find one. I’ve tried internet searches, the yellow pages, etc. I live in Minneapolis–you’d think there’d be a few sex therapists in a state that continually votes for liberal presidents. 😛 Anyway: those of you who suggested a sex counselor, can you give me some resources to find one? 🙂
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Hey Augusta,
Let me just say up front, that my hubby and I haven’t had the same problems you are having in your marriage. HOWEVER, I do think I can help you with a resource. I’ve heard her on FM107 in the Twin Cities from 3-5 (I think) on the Lori & Julia show. Remember that she is a secular counselor, but she may be able to help. I will PM you the name if I can find it. 😉

Steph
(also in MN)
 
Hi again Augusta,
I looked on the radio station’s site, but couldn’t find the doctor they speak to. If I remember correctly, they talk to her once a week or so. Also Kevyn Burger talks to her once a week on her show but I’m not sure what time it’s on. It was played all day in an office I worked at over a year ago. I haven’t listened to it in awhile so I don’t even know if they are still talking to her. I hope that gives you some idea where to start.

Steph
 
I have had a similar situation with my DH of now 15 years. If you had asked me at 6 months whether we would be married in 15 years, I would have said no due to lack of intimacy. We have been through a lot to get to the point now where, although it’s not as often as I’d like, it is really good. He was the low/no libido person and I was the hormone driven ---- climbing the walls without satisfaction regularly. With lots of work and communication it can improve. Mine would never have gone to a sex therapist, so if yours will, find one at all costs. Good men are hard to find!
 
Your responses are making me feel hopeful which is a wonderful feeling after years of feeling truly hopeless!!! I wish I had found this forum sooner. I used to listen to FM107 on my commute (I don’t have a commute anymore). Maybe I will just call the radio station and ask them for the counselor’s name.

My husband IS a gem. The absolute only thing that makes us “incompatible” is our lack of sexual chemistry, and some of these recent posts have made me feel like that’s an obstacle we can work out.

Do you think we should just dive in, or do you think it would be best to “date” for awhile first? We’ve been separated since March 2008 and civilly divorced since March 2009. We talk nearly every day and hang out once or twice a week (we run errands together, watch a TV show together–that sort of thing.) I know he’s game for whatever. I’m just a little nervous about diving right into sex when we do have the opportunity to “date” and experience those “early stages” of a relationship again.
 
I don’t have much to add to this discussion, but in my opinion this is one of the best quotes I’ve seen on this board in a while.
Happiness is an inside job. Just as external things such as money, clothes, a big house, etc. cannot make you happy; neither can husbands. Happiness is achieved by using your own God given gifts to the best of your ability in service to Him. Unhappy people tend to blame their unhappiness on other things because it easier than looking inward at the real reasons.
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41 years ago my marriage began because of “sex”, an unplanned pregnancy and rush to the altar with someone I had only known for 3 months.

Thank God, my belief in the Sacrament of Marriage was not based on what happened during my ignorance, but on a higher calling. My vows were taken to heart and over time with many ups, downs, ins and outs I thank and praise the Lord for my marriage, my wonderful husband, my child and my two grandchildren.

Was this marriage based on sex, I think not.
 
Court each other. Don’t just run errands. Pray with each other. That adds a dimension of intimacy you are in critical need of! Go to Mass together. Fall in love again.
 
Augusta_Sans said:
Your responses are making me feel hopeful which is a wonderful feeling after years of feeling truly hopeless!!! I wish I had found this forum sooner. I used to listen to FM107 on my commute (I don’t have a commute anymore). Maybe I will just call the radio station and ask them for the counselor’s name.

My husband IS a gem. The absolute only thing that makes us “incompatible” is our lack of sexual chemistry, and some of these recent posts have made me feel like that’s an obstacle we can work out.

Do you think we should just dive in, or do you think it would be best to “date” for awhile first? We’ve been separated since March 2008 and civilly divorced since March 2009. We talk nearly every day and hang out once or twice a week (we run errands together, watch a TV show together–that sort of thing.) I know he’s game for whatever. I’m just a little nervous about diving right into sex when we do have the opportunity to “date” and experience those “early stages” of a relationship again.
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I can’t tell you how happy I am to read this, I just want you to know how inspiring it is to me that you’re giving it a shot! Sadly it seems like so many people these days wouldn’t go that far. Truely I hope, and will pray for your successful reunion with your husband.

Now, personally I’ve never found my self in your situation. So take my advice for what it is, just the thoughts of a guy looking from the outside in. I think if it was me my inkeling would be to court each other some, pray together as well as has been suggested. Obviously lisiten to your hearts, but I think maybe the most cautious thing to do would be start slow with few expectations.
 
I so agree, if you are willing to go for it, go slowly and allow the love to blossom through a courtship routine. I’ll be praying for your discernment throughout this painful and hopefully fruitful, process.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
Court each other. Don’t just run errands. Pray with each other. That adds a dimension of intimacy you are in critical need of! Go to Mass together. Fall in love again.
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We used to go to mass together weekly. Our first date was Ash Wednesday (I had JUST begun the conversion process–when I found out that my handsome coworker was Catholic, I mentioned to him that I was unfamiliar with Catholic churches near enough to our offices to make it in time for weekday mass.) From then on, we attended mass together with some regularity, and once we were married we attended weekly. Even after we were separated we continued going to mass together until after the divorce was finalized. I think the last time we went together was Easter. Going to mass together again might be a great start to “re-courting,” especially since it might remind us of the fun early period in our relationship.
 
Try this - give up sex for advent. I know we don’t give up things for advent but sometimes not being able to have things makes them more exciting. See what happens. Have fun - Please be sure to slip up. :o:p;)
 
joandarc2008 said:
Try this - give up sex for advent. I know we don’t give up things for advent but sometimes not being able to have things makes them more exciting. See what happens. Have fun - Please be sure to slip up. :o:p;)
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Hmmm, that’s not a bad suggestion… And if you (agusta) ever did start sleeping with your (secularly divoroused) husband again then you’re actually good there as really your still married in church and Gods eyes anyway. Not that I’m advocating rushing into that, only if it really truely does feel right. a slow start is most advisable, but just commenting 🙂
 
tundramom said:
Hey Augusta,
Let me just say up front, that my hubby and I haven’t had the same problems you are having in your marriage. HOWEVER, I do think I can help you with a resource. I’ve heard her on FM107 in the Twin Cities from 3-5 (I think) on the Lori & Julia show. Remember that she is a secular counselor, but she may be able to help. I will PM you the name if I can find it. 😉

Steph
(also in MN)
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Hi there! I tried contacting the radio station and Donny told me they haven’t had a sex therapist on the show in several years. Grr! If you hear her on the show again, will you please let me know?
 
Augusta_Sans said:
I’m not sure what information to provide or where to begin, so I will return to this thread frequently to answer any follow-up questions.

I can count the number of times my husband and I have fought the past five years on one hand. We’ve always agreed on almost everything–money, scheduling, and plans for our future. The problem we encountered in our marriage was a lack of physical intimacy. This resulted in my feeling disillusioned before we even returned from our honeymoon. I had never enjoyed kissing him and we didn’t seem to “click” sexually. I can also count the number of times we have had sex on one hand.

After several years, I moved out. We are now legally divorced (though we did not seek annulment and are still married in the eyes of the Church). He still loves me and wants a life with me. I’m unsure of what I want, though I know that “on paper” renewing our marriage would be a wise move.

I don’t even know what I’m asking or where I’m going with this, but I certainly would appreciate anyone’s insight, probing questions, suggestions, etc.
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I will make some suggestions but your final actions and direction are yours to pursue.

I’m no stranger to the ups and downs of marriage. We’re really never prepared for what is in front of us. Sometimes it’s difficult to properly communicate. This can effect our level of physical interaction. I’m a fan of Matthew Kelly’s Seven Levels of Intimacy. It’s nothing directly associated with sex, BTW. There is a CD at Catholic Lighthouse Media that I enjoy listening to.

Another thing that was very helpful to me for understanding the true meaning of sex is something called Theology of the Body. It explains well the reason we are as we are. If there is confusion about the purpose of sex and the responsibilities of marriage, this will explain it very well.

Going to Mass together is important IMO. My wife and I participated in a program at the parish called Ten Great Dates. Again, this is a communications thing and I don’t know if that really is your issue. You may think it’s not. He may think it is. I don’t know his side of the issue. My own troubles revolve around such an issue.

Fr. Riccardo and Fr. Altier both have some free marriage MP3’s I’ve enjoyed listening to.

Lastly, there may be guilt involved. One of the greatest notions I received from Theology of the Body for Beginners is that the Church is patient! I could, after confession, lead the married life I wanted to lead if I (and my wife) so choose. As they say… Love is a choice. We can choose to live the married model or choose to walk away from it. Once I knew what was possible, I found it hard to resist trying to live this way.

I hope you find my suggestions helpful. Peace to you and your ex.
 
I think you guys really have a good chance of having a great life together, from what I have read. I would ten times rather have a steady, loving, kind husband than a pretty boy with a lot of ready chemistry. I truly think that y’all need to give the love thing another shot. In our 25 years of marriage, we’ve had ups and downs, and I am here to tell you that sex is not the msot important part of marriage.
But it IS very important, which is why you should keep working on it. Why not renew your vows after some time and go on a second honeymoon? Beforehand, work certain things out with a good Christian counselor; what each of you expect from your sexual relationship, how important sex is to you, details, etc.
You both sound like very good Catholics and I am sure that God will bless your marriage abundantly.
 
Augusta_Sans said:
Hi there! I tried contacting the radio station and Donny told me they haven’t had a sex therapist on the show in several years. Grr! If you hear her on the show again, will you please let me know?
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Absolutely! And I will keep my eyes and ears open for anyone in the cities for you as well. I’m not really a shy and retiring type … so I think I’m just gonna ask my Parish nurse. I’ll let you know her recommendations! 👍

Steph
 
joandarc2008 said:
Try this - give up sex for advent. I know we don’t give up things for advent but sometimes not being able to have things makes them more exciting. See what happens. Have fun - Please be sure to slip up. :o:p;)
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I’m not sure we’re on the same page… we haven’t had sex in over two years. I haven’t even been tempted to have sex with him since a few months BEFORE the wedding.
tundramom said:
Absolutely! And I will keep my eyes and ears open for anyone in the cities for you as well. I’m not really a shy and retiring type … so I think I’m just gonna ask my Parish nurse. I’ll let you know her recommendations! 👍

Steph
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THANK YOU! I tried to find a sex therapist about a year ago and it was a fruitless search. I’m really excited to know there’s at least one lurking somewhere in the Twin Cities. 🙂
 
There is a group on here for Catholic Health Care Providers - maybe if you sent a message to that group they could help you out.
 
Which forum is it? I don’t see any that have the word “health” in their title. 🙂
 
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