My marriage: disillusioned from day one

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A friend of mine had an aunt who revealed to her sister on her deathbed that she and her husband had never had sex. She said “Oh well, I had a nice life in any case.” I wonder how common this sort of thing actually is? Probably less so than in the past I would think.
 
I couldn’t find a Saint for sexual unhappiness within a marriage however I did find a the Patron Saint of Unhappily Married Women. So here goes- if she could live as a model wife due to the Sacrament of Marriage - so can’t we all:
St. Rita of Cascia
Born at Rocca Porena in the Diocese of Spoleto, 1386; died at the Augustinian convent of Cascia, 1456. Feast, 22 May. Represented as holding roses, or roses and figs, and sometimes with a wound in her forehead.
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According to the “Life” (Acta SS., May, V, 224) written at the time of her beatification by the Augustinian, Jacob Carelicci, from two older biographies, she was the daughter of parents advanced in years and distinguished for charity which merited them the surname of “Peacemakers of Jesus Christ”. Rita’s great desire was to become a nun, but, in obedience to the will of her parents, she, at the age of twelve, married a man extremely cruel and ill-tempered. For eighteen years she was a model wife and mother. When her husband was murdered she tried in vain to dissuade her twin sons from attempting to take revenge; she appealed to Heaven to prevent such a crime on their part, and they were taken away by death, reconciled to God. She applied for admission to the Augustinian convent at Cascia, but, being a widow, was refused. By continued entreaties, and, as is related, by Divine intervention, she gained admission, received the habit of the order and in due time her profession. As a religious she was an example for all, excelled in mortifications, and was widely known for the efficacy of her prayers.
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Urban VIII, in 1637, permitted her Mass and Office. On account of the many miracles reported to have been wrought at her intercession she received in Spain the title of La Santa de los impossibiles. She was solemnly canonized 24 May, 1900.
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Augusta,

I read of most of these posts. A few thoughts…

…I agree with those suggesting that you both see a sex counselor. The mechanics of sex is not their primary focus. They need to address the emotions, the desire, the intimacy, the loving feelings when you are sharing all of yourself with your spouse.

…As far as finding someone, call up several that offer “family” or marriage" counseling. Ask them what they do. If they aren’t able to help you, do they know who you should call.

…An alternative may be a friend or couple that you can speak with. Many parishes have a couple experienced with pre-cana discussions. Of course, for open communications to really work, there needs to be a very high level of trust.

…If I was sitting with you alone, I’d like to ask about your feelings toward your husband. When he touches your hand or gives you a hug, does that give you a warm feeling. Or are you repulsed at some level by him?

…On your dates, go someplace like a romantic B & B. Get a couples massage. Go back to your room and share a bath surrounded by rose petals and candles. A glass of wine. It doesn’t even have to include sex. Just relax in his arms. This is about unity and intimacy. I want you to share the warmth of the water, the glow of the candles, the scent of the roses.

Paul
 
Augusta,

I’m glad to read that you guys are still working on this!
 
A couple people have asked (1) how my husband feels about me and the relationship and (2) how I feel about non-sexual physical intimacy with him.

(1) He is in love with me. Is willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy. Unfortunately, I think that part of our problem is that he has been willing to abstain from sex because he thinks that “forcing” it on me would make me unhappy. I think early on I would have appreciate the encouragement and felt flattered by a little insistence. Now, we’re very far removed from that level of intimacy and I think it will take time before I’m ready for sex. Please bear in mind we’ve been living separately and socializing as “just friends” for two years now.

(2) I love his hugs. Whenever he hugs me, I feel so protected and safe–a sentiment I express more often than not. His kisses aren’t bad sloppy or revolting in anyway, but they feel more like flesh rubbing on flesh than an intimate moment.

I do remember a time when we were physically intimate and when I was very lustful toward him–back when we first started dating. I’ve never experienced “sparks” or “butterflies” or anything like that, but perhaps that’s because he’s always made me feel so safe.
 
This is quite a long thread and I’m sorry I dont’ have time to read all the responses. I just wanted to add my two cents that since you vowed to this man and to God that you would love him and honor him all the days of your life you are OBLIGATED to try to work through this type of problem. Every marriage has it’s problems. Your marriage’s problem is that you don’t have a satisfying sex life. There’s lots that can be done to fix that and even if it can’t be fixed, we are called to be married “for better or for worse” not “only if I’m happy with our sex life.” My advice is to find a way to be happy with him.

Has anyone recommended Retrouvaille to you yet? (retrouvaille.org) My husband and I did this program last month and found it worked miracles for our emotional intimacy and physical intimacy (even though we didn’t think we were having problems in this department).
God bless you! Marriage isn’t easy!
 
samovila, it might shock you to hear this, but guilt trips generally make the person on the receiving end more resentful toward the marriage, not more motivated to renew the marital bond.

You can’t be bothered to read the thread, but you can be bothered to flit in and pass judgment? I converted about four years ago, and I still have a lot to learn, but I don’t think I will ever understand the aspect of the Catholic church that inspires so many of its followers to hurt fellow Catholics who are struggling to find joy in the obligations of their faith. Does it make you feel better about yourself to try to hurt others more than I they are already hurting?
 
Augusta_Sans said:
samovila, it might shock you to hear this, but guilt trips generally make the person on the receiving end more resentful toward the marriage, not more motivated to renew the marital bond.

You can’t be bothered to read the thread, but you can be bothered to flit in and pass judgment? I converted about four years ago, and I still have a lot to learn, but I don’t think I will ever understand the aspect of the Catholic church that inspires so many of its followers to hurt fellow Catholics who are struggling to find joy in the obligations of their faith. Does it make you feel better about yourself to try to hurt others more than I they are already hurting?
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I’m really not sure what you found so offensive in my post, but I apologize. It was not my intention to judge you or offend you.
 
Augusta Sans,
Just happened to see this thread. I’m not sure how things are going for you now but my two cents would be to spend some time learning new things in foreplay, massage, kissing in intimate areas, bathing together, etc. I can really feel for your situation as I will honestly say that my wife and I started out as a similar sexual disaster case but we have learned a lot since then. It just requires some openness and willingness to try new things with the goal of pleasing one another. For us, there were many surprises and I really could never have predicted our intimate life would be as good as it is now.
I think a trip to a nice resort geared to couples might be in order. A book on massage might be helpful too. Some of those are written with couples in mind. I think it’s a matter of building the fire a little at a time. You might be surprised what a difference it can make.
Those are the kinds of things which has always helped my wife and I keep the spark, or to create one when there seems none. Women are often very responsive to a nice foot massage. If you can’t find a therapist, you may want to find a book for couples which has some emphasis on the above. Even role play games can be helpful! Just some ideas. You indicate you might find his “insistence” to be exciting. So maybe have a discussion with him about this. Perhaps he could be more aggressive. Since you have some sexual experience with others, it might help to discuss with him what has been exciting for you in the past. And also find out what he would find exciting. I’m not going to remind you that you must respect the integrity of the marital act in everything you do but if I don’t mention it I think someone else is going to chastise me for not mentioning it. 🙂
Whenever my wife and I are lacking the initial spark, we have learned it’s time to take action and start playing with matches! 🙂

Best always,

C.
 
samovila said:
This is quite a long thread and I’m sorry I dont’ have time to read all the responses. I just wanted to add my two cents that since you vowed to this man and to God that you would love him and honor him all the days of your life you are OBLIGATED to try to work through this type of problem.
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Once when I was “OBLIGATED” to work on my marriage, it became clear to me over time that an ANNULMENT was in order. I had people coming up to me that told me how they were praying for me (us) and how the power of God was going bring me and my wife together. During one of these “I am praying for you” moments, I told the person that it is the POWER OF GOD to set us free from this marriage if it is deemed never to have been a marriage in the first place. Just some thoughts to the “obligation” comments …

My marriage was annulled by the Church.
 
Another month has gone by, so I’m here with another update.

We continue to “date.” We go out to dinner together and spend quiet nights snuggled on the couch watching (and then discussing) our favorite shows. We kiss occasionally. We talk quite a bit about future plans together, which is something we hadn’t been doing in awhile.

…but I just can’t seem to get excited about the present. There is absolutely no sexual energy on my end. I want it so badly, but when we kiss or snuggle, I feel absolutely nothing. It’s heartbreaking. I feel so incredibly lonely and I continue to feel like a failure in my relationship.

I’ll will keep trying, of course, but every month feels like a year of failure.
 
Maybe you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable, to throw caution to the wind, and just do it. Maybe you are just stressing yourself out by all of this preconceived notion of what chemistry is supposed to be like. Giving yourself to your husband is an act of love. Even without chemistry or sparks or fireworks, it is still an objective good.
 
agusta I’m glad to hear you both are still trying. You sound like a great couple.

Can I ask a question? Are you on chemical birth control? I ask because you keep mentioning how you ‘feel nothing’ when you kiss him etc., and chemical birth control is notorious for turning a woman’s sex drive completely OFF. Boom. Like a switch. One of those little talked about side effects. If you are on it you might want to consider getting off, and see what happens with your libido.

Continued prayers for you and your husband!🙂
 
Seatuck said:
I think you should go on a Retrouvaille retreat first.
retrouvaille.org?
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**^^^ This is my one and only piece of advice. Give Retrouvaille a try. **

My husband and I were very turned on each other when we first started dating (and we acted upon those feelings). We chose to stop having sex after a time, and the sexual feelings went away on my part. Unfortunately, they didn’t come back after we got married. We were great pals and had fun together - just not in the bedroom. Sex for me was painful and frustrating, and I lost all interest in sex. And NO, I WAS NOT USING ANY FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL (that’s not the only reason a woman loses sexual desire), and yes, my hormone were just fine. We spent the first two years of our marriage trying unsuccessfully to be intimate, which led to bitterness and anger for both of us; but my husband wasn’t keen on the idea of counseling. I was ready to throw in the towel because - although I know Catholic teaching - I refused to live the rest of my life as celibate roommates unless there was a medical reason. When I told my husband I was leaving, he asked me not to and signed us up for a Retrouvaille weekend. Improving our communication improved our sex life. After a while we stopped the communication process we learned at Retrouvaille, and things headed south again. Since we have recommitted to improving our communication, we have been able to discuss why we have had sexual (and other) problems in our marriage and how we plan to fix them.

Praying for you and your husband. :gopray2:
 
Augusta_Sans said:
Another month has gone by, so I’m here with another update.

We continue to “date.” We go out to dinner together and spend quiet nights snuggled on the couch watching (and then discussing) our favorite shows. We kiss occasionally. We talk quite a bit about future plans together, which is something we hadn’t been doing in awhile.

…but I just can’t seem to get excited about the present. There is absolutely no sexual energy on my end. I want it so badly, but when we kiss or snuggle, I feel absolutely nothing. It’s heartbreaking. I feel so incredibly lonely and I continue to feel like a failure in my relationship.

I’ll will keep trying, of course, but every month feels like a year of failure.
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Dear Sister Augusta,

Life can be very endearing and very challenging; sometimes we can make all the difference and some situations are totally out of our control. Try not to think too much but rely on Our Saviour Jesus Christ; put Him first in all things; have faith in Him that can console our every fear and sadness. Sometimes when we put too much emphasis on the matter and not on the One who can resolve all matters then we become stuck in this cyclical trap which offers no hope or escape. :confused:

I know it is hard for you. JFYI I am dealing with issues in my marriage, but as long as I focus on the Lord and His works and those of the saints I am comforted and can go on. I guess it may not be what you want to hear but believe me when I say I know what you mean. I do not judge you but get some help from the church and read up how to make your relationship lasting by examples of married saints. 🙂

It is possible to find chemistry even though initially it was not there. Part of the answer is committment. If you committ yourself completely to this marriage without restraint it can become pleasurable on all levels. Sometimes it is not about how a person is in bed but how we view them; do you love him in a brotherly way or is your soul in some way attracted to his; I mean can you love him on other levels? This can make all the difference. Only you know the answer to this. 🤷

God knows our hearts dear sister, pray that we know it too and to guide us on the right path. I too struggle to understand my feelings but again I remind myself that it is His Will that matters not mine. The only thing is what does He want for us. I am still praying. God Bless.:signofcross:

P.S. Devotion to our Blessed Mother has helped me tremendously. Pray the rosary even daily if you can; she will come to you and guide you to truth and Her Son. Refer to the prayer found in my signature; it is a source of comfort.
 
I always love returning to this forum to see the users’ encouragement and suggestions. It’s heartening to know that others have survived what I’m struggling with!

shannyk: I was on birth control, but quit shortly before meeting my husband. I was not on any form of birth control while we were dating or during the first year of our marriage. I went on hormonal birth control after our first anniversary because I missed how it stabilized my hormones (less spontaneous crying). Last month, I discovered that I have a blood disorder which forced me to discontinue birth control. I have noticed that my libido is technically improved (I’m more likely to be sexually aroused in general), but I’m more of an emotional wreck. I mentioned this earlier, but I’ll repeat it as it’s relevant to this paragraph: my gynecologist says all hormones that could affect my libido are at normal levels (in fact, my testosterone is slightly higher, which should actually improve my libido.)

Catholic Wife: We “worked on” communication in our counseling sessions. Our counselor had us do (stupid, in our opinion) communication exercises, which were just a joke to us because we are so open and communicative with each other. People say they’ve never seen a couple communicate and get along so well. We don’t fight, we always resolve disagreements through calm discussion. We express our needs to each other and do our best to fulfill those needs–except the sexual needs. I know it’s a little stand-offish to say we have no communication problems, but really: if we never fight, always talk about our feelings, and are always respectful toward one another, what kind of communication problems could there possibly be? I AM interested in learning more about Retrouvaille. Can you tell me a bit about how it might help a couple who experience no communication problems?

humble maid: “Married saints” made me giggle, because that’s what it feels like–like a celibiate monk and a celibate nun who are best friends. If you’ve been following this thread, you’ll know that I do love him in a brotherly way, but not on other levels.

A handful of people here say “just do it!” You’re effectively telling me to LIE to my husband–ruining the one positive element in our marriage: honesty and respect–for the sake of a sexual experience where I squeeze my eyes shut and pretend I’m enjoying it. Is lying to my husband (“yes, I want to have sex with you”) really the first step in saving the marriage?
 
Catholic_Wife said:
**^^^ This is my one and only piece of advice. Give Retrouvaille a try. **

My husband and I were very turned on each other when we first started dating (and we acted upon those feelings). We chose to stop having sex after a time, and the sexual feelings went away on my part. Unfortunately, they didn’t come back after we got married. We were great pals and had fun together - just not in the bedroom. Sex for me was painful and frustrating, and I lost all interest in sex. And NO, I WAS NOT USING ANY FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL (that’s not the only reason a woman loses sexual desire), and yes, my hormone were just fine. We spent the first two years of our marriage trying unsuccessfully to be intimate, which led to bitterness and anger for both of us; but my husband wasn’t keen on the idea of counseling. I was ready to throw in the towel because - although I know Catholic teaching - I refused to live the rest of my life as celibate roommates unless there was a medical reason. When I told my husband I was leaving, he asked me not to and signed us up for a Retrouvaille weekend. Improving our communication improved our sex life. After a while we stopped the communication process we learned at Retrouvaille, and things headed south again. Since we have recommitted to improving our communication, we have been able to discuss why we have had sexual (and other) problems in our marriage and how we plan to fix them.

Praying for you and your husband. :gopray2:
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Excellent advice. Marriage Encounter is another weekend getaway where couples learn how to communicate better and the importance of emotions.

A book that I am currently reading I also recommend is called “The Secret of Staying in Love” by John Powell SJ. It too focuses on the importance of emotions and communication - what our emotions tell us about ourselves and other people.
 
Augusta_Sans said:
If you’ve been following this thread, you’ll know that I do love him in a brotherly way, but not on other levels.
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I’ve been following this thread and I’d say you were very immature at the time you made your decision and bought into something your husband (then boyfriend) promised you - that the problems with the sexual energy/chemistry would go away once you got married - and you went along with the program knowing your current relationship was like that of a brother and sister, friends, pals. You honestly and innocently thought that once you got married that the sexual chemistry would improve like he promised you. Once you realized it never did come (due to a promise he gave you and which he couldn’t deliver (he made a false promise to you …

I think also you have matured as a person and realize the importance now of sexual attraction/energy/chemistry as well as just on the level of friends (which is extremely important as well). You are married to your brother in a sense. I would recommend you speak with a cannon lawyer and talk with them one to one … to see whether or not there may be a basis for an Annulment as well - that the Church recognizes and declares there never was a marriage to begin with … whether you and he (not the Priest) really gave to each other the Sacrament. If I remember correctly, there are no children as the result of this marriage as well.
 
It sounds like you have issues, you go in to a marriage with a man you don’t want to kiss or have sex with, and to add to that you’re constantly fighting and have spats over money.

One must wonder whether you were drugged when you got married.
 
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