My marriage is headed for the D word

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juliebug714

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My husband and I are currently separated. It was his choice to separate but I agreed because it seemed that staying was only making matters worse. We had many discussions, many arguments, about the separation. He knows I do not want to be separated, I made it clear that I would not want our marriage to end. He has made me aware of his feelings. He is DONE with our marriage, he does not want a relationship with me any longer.
He feels that based on our history, there is no hope that things can get better so he is not even willing to try anymore.
He is blaming me and my personality mostly. He says our personalities just don’t go together. He has even said the words “we would be happier with other people” and " I am not in love with you anymore".
He feels like I don’t understand the seriousness of his words that he is DONE.
He remained in our home in Oregon, while I moved back to Arizona with family and friends. Before I left, I pleaded with him to give our marriage just a little more time, even just 90 days, I would move in with friends and we could be separated with much less permanency and the ability to meet and work on things. He denied me this option saying that it was a way for me to push my “agenda” to work on the marriage while he does not want to work.
He has said he feels that it would be easier to just work on the marriage but he doesn’t think he wants to.
He says “I don’t see my feelings changing, but I won’t deny the fact that it’s possible they could”.
Things have only gotten worse since being away.
We have been married for nearly 6 years, we have been together for 9. I saved myself for marriage and we did not live together prior to being married. We currently do not have children. I’ve always thought we were waiting for our lives to settle down, he claims he was denying me children because of our relationship problems.
He is a good man, but he currently is being a hurtful one and is showing characteristics that I have never and would never see him show to even his worst enemy.
I am a good person too, but have some issues with fear and insecurities. We argue mostly about that. Nothing big. Just the little things- the same old little things time and time again.
I am currently reading Hope for the Separated in hope that I can turn things around and begin to make positive changes in my personality- guiding and inspiring him to work on our marriage again.
He has reiterated just yesterday in our 3rd phone call in 3 weeks that he does not want to string me along and wants me to understand that our marriage is headed for divorce.
I am basically trying to help him understand that things can change if we both work on it.
He said that our marriage is headed for divorce. I may be able to turn things around, and prove it to him in that time because he won’t tell me what I can and can’t do, but based on my history he doesn’t believe it will happen.
He says the separation isn’t a time for reflection or trying to work on things but rather a time for me to adapt and “catch up” to the way he’s feeling so a divorce doesn’t hit me “out of the blue”.
He has stopped wearing his ring (I have not) and he has taken off the Married status from his social media accounts because he wants me to take his feelings seriously.
I am not the only problem in our marriage, but I am taking responsibility for the things that I can control.
Is there anyone with experience in this? Is there any hope that with time, he can change his mind even though he is so extremely stubborn right now?
Do I keep trying or just let go? I cannot see how divorce will fix problems when I am willing to do whatever it takes to work on things.
It doesn’t make sense to know what the problems are and fix them only to end up divorced while we can fix them and save our marriage.
We were so happily in love but he refuses to look past the “issues” we’ve had since “before we were married”.
I appreciate any advice.
Thank you
 
juliebug714 said:
Hi Juliebug. I feel so sad for you. Thankyou for explaining your situation so well. Some marriage advice assumes that both parties want to preserve that marriage and that any problems are the result of “communication”, however it is often the case that one partner simply wants to leave the marriage, and in that case “communication” is unlikely to change their mind.

When adultery is involved I always recommend James Dobson’s book Love Must be Tough. It may not apply so directly here, but I recommend it as it may help you understand your options better. There is a free pdf for download.

I will pray for you and your marriage.
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Frankly, I don’t feel comfortable with being asked a poll question on such a personal issue.

My only advice is to seek some professional help on this. One question to ponder (and you don’t need to answer it here) - what might your husband say about you bringing this problem of very personal communication to a public board?
 
sojo said:
Frankly, I don’t feel comfortable with being asked a poll question on such a personal issue.

My only advice is to seek some professional help on this. One question to ponder (and you don’t need to answer it here) - what might your husband say about you bringing this problem of very personal communication to a public board?
Click to expand...
You’re right about the poll question. I am not really comfortable in posting that either. While I was posting it, I was dealing with a really confusing issue that came up and I guess it’s my personality to wonder “what should I do”? I’m not expecting other people to choose for me, I guess I just like opinions.
I assumed this forum was for Christian advice and prayers. I understand that it’s a personal issue but I really just need some prayers and advice.
 
Does anyone know if there is a way to delete the poll question?
thanks
 
I will be praying for you. My advice is to seek professional help - a good Christian (preferably Catholic) counselor. Just ask your priest and he’ll be happy to refer you. It sounds like your husband is being perfectly clear with you regarding his feelings. It sounds like you could use help in how to get through this awful experience without falling apart completely. Thank goodness you have family to stay with and no children to be affected.

God Bless!
 
Hi Julie - you might want to ask the moderator to post this in the “Prayer” section.

I’ll certainly send up a prayer for you…
 
If everything is possible with God, then your job right now is not to go into questions of IF?WHAT? WHY?WHEN? but to ask WHO? "Who am I to be for God? Followed by: "Who am I for myself? then: “Who am I for my husband?”

When we are in love, our personalities can sometimes become so wrapped around the other that we quietly implode… and then later when the other walks away, we have no clue because there was no loud explosion. Now is a time to fill up spiritually: learn to pray deeper, find a good or several good spiritual counsellors in your diocese. Take time to talk with God about yourself. What does God want of you right now? How can you offer up your suffering? Let God set the time, not you.

Also, find a good Catholic psychologist: address your insecurities. Don’t worry about fault or blame, Him or Her? Just take your responsibility and work on yourself. We don’t really know what God has in mind for both of you, we can only control our self and even THAT is difficult. Be open to the fact that humility is one of our most divine gifts; seek deep humility and seek God’s love. Leave the miracles to God.
 
Auntie_A said:
If everything is possible with God, then your job right now is not to go into questions of IF?WHAT? WHY?WHEN? but to ask WHO? "Who am I to be for God? Followed by: "Who am I for myself? then: “Who am I for my husband?”

When we are in love, our personalities can sometimes become so wrapped around the other that we quietly implode… and then later when the other walks away, we have no clue because there was no loud explosion. Now is a time to fill up spiritually: learn to pray deeper, find a good or several good spiritual counsellors in your diocese. Take time to talk with God about yourself. What does God want of you right now? How can you offer up your suffering? Let God set the time, not you.

Also, find a good Catholic psychologist: address your insecurities. Don’t worry about fault or blame, Him or Her? Just take your responsibility and work on yourself. We don’t really know what God has in mind for both of you, we can only control our self and even THAT is difficult. Be open to the fact that humility is one of our most divine gifts; seek deep humility and seek God’s love. Leave the miracles to God.
Click to expand...
Great advice, for all life’s major difficulties! What does GOD want of ME?
 
Julie,
As I read through your post, I almost fell out of my chair because of the uncanny similarities in my current situation. My wife is doing the exact same thing to me at this very moment. It came completely out of left field and I still haven’t adjusted (it’s been a few weeks). In fact, today I am meeting with my lawyer for the second time to make sure we are ready for our temporary hearing on Thursday this week. Everything you say is exactly as it is happening to me, and all I can tell you is to brace yourself.
You are about to go through a very difficult and emotional time. Not that you haven’t been all along, but wait until you get served papers. Please know that you while you are not wanting this, and may want to fight for your marriage, it will likely only push him away even further and accellerate the divorce to the point where it’s unmanageable for you. Do yourself a favor and get some legal advice. Secure an attorney and start getting your things in order. Keep praying that it will work out (I wrote a prayer just for this situation I will share at the end of this post), know that since it is not your doing, you can rest easy that this horrible thing is not held against you, but in all reality, look after yourself from a legal standpoint. Talk to your priest and find out about the steps to getting an annulment, if you are ever going to get out there and possibly date or re-marry (not what you’re thinking about now, but it may be one day) it will be necessary.
Lastly, (well… almost…) know that there are people that care and will do whatever it takes to help you and keep you safe and let you feel loved and accepted. Whatever is going on in your husbands mind, it is not your job to change it. If you keep trying you will emotionally and physically exhaust yourself. One thing that helped me (aside from the prayer… it’s coming…) is the thought that maybe this is God’s way of saying “Julie, you’ve been at the wheel long enough, time to let me drive.” only He would have called me Brian, not Julie;).
Ok, here’s the prayer I wrote. I hope it helps you like it helped me.

Lord, thank you for all you have blessed this family with over the years,
for we know that it is only through the love and the mercy you have bestowed upon us that we have made it this far.
Lord, we know that each and every day we have together is a gift that you have given us as a demonstration of your love.
Lord it is with this in mind that I ask you to continue to bless this family with your love and protect us from the evil trying to break our bond, this bond of marriage you bestowed upon us.
Lord, if you will it, strengthen the bond created in the sacrament of matrimony, in this, our most troubled time.
And Lord, if it is your will that this bond be broken, I ask that you soften our hearts, made hard by our sin, that we not forget that it is truly your will that is guiding us on our path to redemption.
Lord, as you will it, let it be done.
Amen

God bless you Julie, I will be praying for you and your husband.

-Brian
 
. Oh Julie…your situation broke my heart! You don’t say how old you are but your marriage is very young; far too young to be having these sort of problems. If these issues have been going on for a long time, it hurts me to say this, but it doesn’t sound as if it will get better. You may be “willing to work on it” but your husband sounds adamant about his unwillingness to even try. As they say, “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.” That’s not meant to sound uncaring, Julie, but sometimes those old expressions just seem to get right to the point.

You won’t understand how I could say this right now but eventually you will realize that he’s doing you a favor. You are lucky in that your husband is being honest with you. Mine was not. I’m new on this site and not sure how truly honest I can be here or what details are acceptable and I sure don’t want my story to sound like a pity party either. However, for this forum at least, I will say my husband of 40 years cheated, lied, maxed out my credit cards, stopped putting money in our checking account, cheated some more, got another one pregnant, and after begging me not to give up on him, blindsided me with divorce papers! It’s a long, sad story told here so you can see how much worse it really could be. I also could use lots of support!

I’m so certain of the pain you are feeling right now. I walked around for months wondering why God woke me up every morning and asking Him why or how my heart could still be working when it was so broken . I imagine you are feeling that way as well; as if your life is over. It’s NOT!!

If I may be blunt…it’s one thing to question what your culpability is in this situation, but it’s quite another to be blaming yourself. And if I may be even more blunt… it sounds as if your husband may be using your personal issues (whatever they may be) against you and even hiding behind those issues in an attempt to make himself less culpable!

I would truly like to keep in touch via email which is more personal. My email is cathyprokop@gmail.com if you’d like some company. I’m nowhere near over my pain and agony and still need help from anyone is willing to jump in. But your story touched myn heart deeply, Julie. I learned to drop to my knees often and begged for the strength to deal and I know He heard me. Like I wrote in my first post, He had me begin reading the Bible. It’s amazing how concentrating on that keeps your mind open and cleared of all the trash for a while and now I go to it when the demons come to call. Try it, Julie. I sure look forward to hearing from you!!
 
BMorel said:
Julie,
As I read through your post, I almost fell out of my chair because of the uncanny similarities in my current situation. My wife is doing the exact same thing to me at this very moment. It came completely out of left field and I still haven’t adjusted (it’s been a few weeks). In fact, today I am meeting with my lawyer for the second time to make sure we are ready for our temporary hearing on Thursday this week. Everything you say is exactly as it is happening to me, and all I can tell you is to brace yourself.
You are about to go through a very difficult and emotional time. Not that you haven’t been all along, but wait until you get served papers. Please know that you while you are not wanting this, and may want to fight for your marriage, it will likely only push him away even further and accellerate the divorce to the point where it’s unmanageable for you. Do yourself a favor and get some legal advice. Secure an attorney and start getting your things in order. Keep praying that it will work out (I wrote a prayer just for this situation I will share at the end of this post), know that since it is not your doing, you can rest easy that this horrible thing is not held against you, but in all reality, look after yourself from a legal standpoint. Talk to your priest and find out about the steps to getting an annulment, if you are ever going to get out there and possibly date or re-marry (not what you’re thinking about now, but it may be one day) it will be necessary.
Lastly, (well… almost…) know that there are people that care and will do whatever it takes to help you and keep you safe and let you feel loved and accepted. Whatever is going on in your husbands mind, it is not your job to change it. If you keep trying you will emotionally and physically exhaust yourself. One thing that helped me (aside from the prayer… it’s coming…) is the thought that maybe this is God’s way of saying “Julie, you’ve been at the wheel long enough, time to let me drive.” only He would have called me Brian, not Julie;).
Ok, here’s the prayer I wrote. I hope it helps you like it helped me.

Lord, thank you for all you have blessed this family with over the years,
for we know that it is only through the love and the mercy you have bestowed upon us that we have made it this far.
Lord, we know that each and every day we have together is a gift that you have given us as a demonstration of your love.
Lord it is with this in mind that I ask you to continue to bless this family with your love and protect us from the evil trying to break our bond, this bond of marriage you bestowed upon us.
Lord, if you will it, strengthen the bond created in the sacrament of matrimony, in this, our most troubled time.
And Lord, if it is your will that this bond be broken, I ask that you soften our hearts, made hard by our sin, that we not forget that it is truly your will that is guiding us on our path to redemption.
Lord, as you will it, let it be done.
Amen

God bless you Julie, I will be praying for you and your husband.

-Brian
Click to expand...
Brian I thought the prayer you wrote for this circumstance is beautiful. I hope your own marriage difficulties as well as OP Julie have a good outcome. I will say a prayer for you both. Good luck with it all. God bless.
 
juliebug714 said:
My husband and I are currently separated. It was his choice to separate but I agreed because it seemed that staying was only making matters worse. We had many discussions, many arguments, about the separation. He knows I do not want to be separated, I made it clear that I would not want our marriage to end. He has made me aware of his feelings. He is DONE with our marriage, he does not want a relationship with me any longer.
He feels that based on our history, there is no hope that things can get better so he is not even willing to try anymore.
He is blaming me and my personality mostly. He says our personalities just don’t go together. He has even said the words “we would be happier with other people” and " I am not in love with you anymore".
He feels like I don’t understand the seriousness of his words that he is DONE.
He remained in our home in Oregon, while I moved back to Arizona with family and friends. Before I left, I pleaded with him to give our marriage just a little more time, even just 90 days, I would move in with friends and we could be separated with much less permanency and the ability to meet and work on things. He denied me this option saying that it was a way for me to push my “agenda” to work on the marriage while he does not want to work.
He has said he feels that it would be easier to just work on the marriage but he doesn’t think he wants to.
He says “I don’t see my feelings changing, but I won’t deny the fact that it’s possible they could”.
Things have only gotten worse since being away.
We have been married for nearly 6 years, we have been together for 9. I saved myself for marriage and we did not live together prior to being married. We currently do not have children. I’ve always thought we were waiting for our lives to settle down, he claims he was denying me children because of our relationship problems.
He is a good man, but he currently is being a hurtful one and is showing characteristics that I have never and would never see him show to even his worst enemy.
I am a good person too, but have some issues with fear and insecurities. We argue mostly about that. Nothing big. Just the little things- the same old little things time and time again.
I am currently reading Hope for the Separated in hope that I can turn things around and begin to make positive changes in my personality- guiding and inspiring him to work on our marriage again.
He has reiterated just yesterday in our 3rd phone call in 3 weeks that he does not want to string me along and wants me to understand that our marriage is headed for divorce.
I am basically trying to help him understand that things can change if we both work on it.
He said that our marriage is headed for divorce. I may be able to turn things around, and prove it to him in that time because he won’t tell me what I can and can’t do, but based on my history he doesn’t believe it will happen.
He says the separation isn’t a time for reflection or trying to work on things but rather a time for me to adapt and “catch up” to the way he’s feeling so a divorce doesn’t hit me “out of the blue”.
He has stopped wearing his ring (I have not) and he has taken off the Married status from his social media accounts because he wants me to take his feelings seriously.
I am not the only problem in our marriage, but I am taking responsibility for the things that I can control.
Is there anyone with experience in this? Is there any hope that with time, he can change his mind even though he is so extremely stubborn right now?
Do I keep trying or just let go? I cannot see how divorce will fix problems when I am willing to do whatever it takes to work on things.
It doesn’t make sense to know what the problems are and fix them only to end up divorced while we can fix them and save our marriage.
We were so happily in love but he refuses to look past the “issues” we’ve had since “before we were married”.
I appreciate any advice.
Thank you
Click to expand...
Julie I am so sorry your marriage is in such a difficult unhappy place at this time. From what you’ve said your husband has made up his mind, which is unfortunate as it leaves little room for discussion. I hope that you get some legal advice and speak to your priest also. I will keep you in my prayers. God bless.
 
Julie,

My heart breaks for you. As Brian said, know that you are not alone. My situation is similar to yours, and like Brian’s, it is my wife of nearly 20 years who left, and moved several states away. This makes it VERY difficult to even try to reconcile. My best advice for you is to pray and lean on God. Through Him all things are possible. We have to be patient to see what good God will make of this.

DC
 
The voices of experience (from the same side of a marital breakdown) seem to be saying that communication is, at best, an unlikely remedy for this situation.

We are also saying that we know your heartbreak and helplessness. We’ve been there. But there is always hope in God. We are praying for you.
 
From what I’ve experienced and witnessed severe marital issues often occur in the first decade of marriage, often in the 7-9 year range. Whether or not the marriage survives depends on how the difficulties are handled.

There is one very obvious issue that is contained in your post: blame. I see tons of blame for all sorts of things. Blame solves nothing, and is harmful to the discussion. The parties need to sit down and start communicating with each other, and the appropriate concessions/balance achieved. This can be achieved by the parties on their own, or by counseling if necessary.

The lack of communication is a major problem in many marriages. It must be addressed, otherwise not only will the current marriage fail, but future relationships/marriage will fail also.
 
Is he using internet pornpgraphy…sure sounds like it. Is sex the issue?
 
juliebug714 said:
My husband and I are currently separated. It was his choice to separate but I agreed because it seemed that staying was only making matters worse. We had many discussions, many arguments, about the separation. He knows I do not want to be separated, I made it clear that I would not want our marriage to end. He has made me aware of his feelings. He is DONE with our marriage, he does not want a relationship with me any longer.
He feels that based on our history, there is no hope that things can get better so he is not even willing to try anymore.
He is blaming me and my personality mostly. He says our personalities just don’t go together. He has even said the words “we would be happier with other people” and " I am not in love with you anymore".
He feels like I don’t understand the seriousness of his words that he is DONE.
He remained in our home in Oregon, while I moved back to Arizona with family and friends. Before I left, I pleaded with him to give our marriage just a little more time, even just 90 days, I would move in with friends and we could be separated with much less permanency and the ability to meet and work on things. He denied me this option saying that it was a way for me to push my “agenda” to work on the marriage while he does not want to work.
He has said he feels that it would be easier to just work on the marriage but he doesn’t think he wants to.
He says “I don’t see my feelings changing, but I won’t deny the fact that it’s possible they could”.
Things have only gotten worse since being away.
We have been married for nearly 6 years, we have been together for 9. I saved myself for marriage and we did not live together prior to being married. We currently do not have children. I’ve always thought we were waiting for our lives to settle down, he claims he was denying me children because of our relationship problems.
He is a good man, but he currently is being a hurtful one and is showing characteristics that I have never and would never see him show to even his worst enemy.
I am a good person too, but have some issues with fear and insecurities. We argue mostly about that. Nothing big. Just the little things- the same old little things time and time again.
I am currently reading Hope for the Separated in hope that I can turn things around and begin to make positive changes in my personality- guiding and inspiring him to work on our marriage again.
He has reiterated just yesterday in our 3rd phone call in 3 weeks that he does not want to string me along and wants me to understand that our marriage is headed for divorce.
I am basically trying to help him understand that things can change if we both work on it.
He said that our marriage is headed for divorce. I may be able to turn things around, and prove it to him in that time because he won’t tell me what I can and can’t do, but based on my history he doesn’t believe it will happen.
He says the separation isn’t a time for reflection or trying to work on things but rather a time for me to adapt and “catch up” to the way he’s feeling so a divorce doesn’t hit me “out of the blue”.
He has stopped wearing his ring (I have not) and he has taken off the Married status from his social media accounts because he wants me to take his feelings seriously.
I am not the only problem in our marriage, but I am taking responsibility for the things that I can control.
Is there anyone with experience in this? Is there any hope that with time, he can change his mind even though he is so extremely stubborn right now?
Do I keep trying or just let go? I cannot see how divorce will fix problems when I am willing to do whatever it takes to work on things.
It doesn’t make sense to know what the problems are and fix them only to end up divorced while we can fix them and save our marriage.
We were so happily in love but he refuses to look past the “issues” we’ve had since “before we were married”.
I appreciate any advice.
Thank you
Click to expand...
I am sorry. With no fault divorce laws there is not much you can do because it seems like he doesn’t want to be married any more and you both now are separated and in different states. I didn’t read in your post if you have tried counseling or not, but I think that would be the best choice for you to do, to get some face to face help instead of advise over the internet. Likewise, would he be willing at all to go with you to Retroveau which is marriage encounter for troubled marriages like your own. Were you married in the Catholic Church?
If you end up divorcing even though you don’t want to, the annulment process does offer a lot of healing to those that have gone through it. You are in my prayers.
 
OP,
don’t blame yourself as your fault. You want to save your marriage and from what you describe he doesn’t. Whatever the issues are, he is making this choice not you to divorce.
Instead of trying to work on the problems, he is choosing the easy way out and that speak volumes of his character.
 
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