My Mixed Marriage

[Wonderboo]

So I wanted to respond to a few things please don’t take them as harsh, I’m just throwing this all out there:
1: The theologian (Catholic btw) in me looks to the Catechism first to see what it says about mixed marriages. It says the following:
"1634 Difference of confession between the spouses does not constitute an insurmountable obstacle for marriage, when they succeed in placing in common what they have received from their respective communities, and learn from each other the way in which each lives in fidelity to Christ. But the difficulties of mixed marriages must not be underestimated. They arise from the fact that the separation of Christians has not yet been overcome. The spouses risk experiencing the tragedy of Christian disunity even in the heart of their own home. Disparity of cult can further aggravate these difficulties. Differences about faith and the very notion of marriage, but also different religious mentalities, can become sources of tension in marriage, especially as regards the education of children. The temptation to religious indifference can then arise.

1635 According to the law in force in the Latin Church, a mixed marriage needs for liceity the express permission of ecclesiastical authority. In case of disparity of cult an express dispensation from this impediment is required for the validity of the marriage. This permission or dispensation presupposes that both parties know and do not exclude the essential ends and properties of marriage; and furthermore that the Catholic party confirms the obligations, which have been made known to the non-Catholic party, of preserving his or her own faith and ensuring the baptism and education of the children in the Catholic Church."
It is worth noting however that it also warns of many of these same problems when both people are Catholic.

2: The Children thing: THe promise, as you will note from above, that my husband and all Catholics make, is that they will educate the children in the Church, never once have I said or will I say that ought not be the case. However, the point of conformation is for a child to become an adult in the faith. I will never force that on my children and neither will my husband and neither will the Catholic Church force itself on anyone. Of course our children will be brought up catholic but if they choose to walk away from it all we can do is love them and show them that the Church is always there for them when they come back.

3a: So many of the problems people seem to point out stem not from my being Protestant but from a lack of communication. Its fundamentally important to know about the faith of who you have married, catholic or otherwise. I go to Mass with my husband and he goes to church with me which leads me to
3b: You know what I really can’t stand, I should go to Mass with him and our children should be with him but, in the eyes of many here he should never come to Church with me? My faith is just as important to me as his Catholic faith is to him, why shouldn’t he come and share it with me?

4: I understand that there are problems that come up but those problems are not just reserved for mixed marriages, I agree with whoever said (and I dont have it up as I write this I’m sorry) its more an issue of morals and on that we are in agreement.

5: I think what angers me the most is that the running theme is either I’m less because I’m not Catholic and thus my marriage is OR that somehow I am going to lead my husband away from the “true faith”, trust me, he isn’t going anywhere.

 

[Beau_Ouiville]

I’ve been in a mixed marriage 27 years. Kids, church, baptism and marriage are all things that can be worked out within the bounds of the rules of the Church.

I did marry my wife twice, though.

 

[Ruthie]

Hey, Wonderboo, don’t assume that we all want to jump down your throat!

There has been a thread recently where many of us have told a certain person not to go forward with a mixed marriage. It is not because he wants a mixed marriage, but because he is avoiding dealing with the things that you and your husband DID deal with before your wedding! He is just hoping that things will work out. That has been fatal to many marriages, whether the “things” are related to religion, or not.

You and your hubby have done it right. (I’m assuming that he doesn’t take communion in your church, and you don’t in his.) You took care of these things when you should. You have agreed beforehand about some very important things.

*Your *marriage is not under attack from us!

God bless you,

Ruthie

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

2: The Children thing: THe promise, as you will note from above, that my husband and all Catholics make, is that they will educate the children in the Church, never once have I said or will I say that ought not be the case. However, the point of confirmation is for a child to become an adult in the faith. I will never force that on my children and neither will my husband and neither will the Catholic Church force itself on anyone. Of course our children will be brought up catholic but if they choose to walk away from it all we can do is love them and show them that the Church is always there for them when they come back.

**The bolded part in the quote is wrong. I will leave it to someone better at explaining it than me to give the reasons why. But I remember reading not very long ago about this very thing on a thread here and it totally opened my eyes about Confirmation.

Confirmation is not an “option”. It has nothing to do with being an “adult in the faith”. It is part of the 3 rites of initiation…it is as important in the Catholic faith as Baptism and the Eucharist.

Hopefully someone will jump in soon to lay it all out:thumbsup:
**

 

[Wonderboo]

**The bolded part in the quote is wrong. I will leave it to someone better at explaining it than me to give the reasons why. But I remember reading not very long ago about this very thing on a thread here and it totally opened my eyes about Confirmation.

Confirmation is not an “option”. It has nothing to do with being an “adult in the faith”. It is part of the 3 rites of initiation…it is as important in the Catholic faith as Baptism and the Eucharist.

Hopefully someone will jump in soon to lay it all out:thumbsup:
**

From the CCC:
“1319 A candidate for Confirmation who has attained the age of reason must profess the faith, be in the state of grace, have the intention of receiving the sacrament, and be prepared to assume the role of disciple and witness to Christ, both within the ecclesial community and in temporal affairs.”
The person must willing and faithfully wish to partake of the Sacrament, it cannot be forced thats all I was saying. I can have a baptism done for my child, they must choose conformation.

 

[Julianna]

Ya know. Maybe I’m lucky. Maybe I’m naive. Maybe I am just married to the best Lutheran in the world. I know we haven’t been married long, but we’ve been together for a number of years.

The priests [two of them - one here in ATL one where we were married] never discouraged our marriage because Nathan is Lutheran. They never told us it wasn’t okay. We didn’t demand anything. We showed up. Immediately told the priests Nathan was Lutheran and he said and I quote “As long as he is baptized Lutheran we are good to go.” They reached out and asked Nathan if he had any questions. They treated us no differently than any of my Catholic couple friends.

We sat through Pre-Cana with 40 other couples - some in mixed marriages, some where both parties were Catholic. They talked about mixed marriages for about an hour. No one ever said they weren’t okay. They said that the Church embraces everyone. The couple that gave the section of pre-cana on the topic had been married for 50 years. Never had any problems. He was a Southern Baptist. She was Catholic.

Unfortunately I think there is a lot of overgeneralization of mixed marriages. My goodness, I know more Catholics couples with problems than I do people in mixed marriages. Maybe it is because I know more Catholic couples…who knows?

I do have to say that every time I open one of these threads to give advice which I try to always do it almost brings me to tears how quickly people will say mixed marriages don’t work.

I want proof that they are any less happy or problematic than same faith marriages. Once I see that proof I’ll believe it. Because I don’t think there is as big of a difference as people often want others to believe. You show me one happy Catholic couple, and I wil show you one happy Catholic married to a Protestant.

I stand by my earlier statement that I would rather be married to a devout Lutheran than a Cafeteria Catholic any day. How do you explain when people think differently and claim to be the same faith? Tell me how you address that with kids. Plus, it is a severe overstatement to say that mixed marriages often let the kids decide. I don’t know a single couple in a mixed marriage that has said that. There are some CATHOLIC parents that do that.

What is going on here is that we are assuming two Catholics will be better parents, better spouses, etc, when really that is not the case. Two Catholics can be just as good of spouses as any two religious people.

I am sorry I sound upset but I am. It is a shame that people can be so quick to judge those of us that marry outside the faith when there are a million people who are Catholic whose marriages are in bad shape…but at least they are married to a Catholic so that makes it better. I’m pretty sure my grandparents who were married for 70 years did just fine with one Baptist and one Catholic. Both practiced their faith. Then I have my Catholic aunt and my Catholic uncle. Both practicing. Divorced after 10 years of marriage. It can happen to anyone.

Marrying a Protestant doesn’t immediately give you any less of a chance of succeeding your marriage than anyone else.

Again I am sorry this is pretty harsh. It is just really frustrating.

My parents were married close to 50 yrs. My mom is Baptist, dad Catholic. It does and can work.

Loved your post! I also went to pre-cana in 1981…and there were alot of mixed marriages happening…and NOT ONCE did the facilitator nor Father R bring up the doom and gloom I read on CAF about mixed marriages. I married a Catholic, my sister married a Methodist and my brother married a Pentacostal in the Catholic Church. Not ONCE in their pre-cana sessions was it mentioned that mixed marriages are not a good idea.

When my parents in 1956 went to Fr. V and my dad introduced my mother as Baptist. Fr. V said…“YOU KNOW BETTER!” and yes he yelled it right in front of my mother. My parents were married in the Catholic Church but not by Fr. V.

But then again…that was 1956 and some folks on here long for the good 'ol sack cloth and ashes days.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

From the CCC:
“1319 A candidate for Confirmation who has attained the age of reason must profess the faith, be in the state of grace, have the intention of receiving the sacrament, and be prepared to assume the role of disciple and witness to Christ, both within the ecclesial community and in temporal affairs.”
The person must willing and faithfully wish to partake of the Sacrament, it cannot be forced thats all I was saying. I can have a baptism done for my child, they must choose conformation.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=206042&page=6&highlight=confirmation

scroll down this link to, I believe post 79 (?) and beyond to get a feel for what I was referring to…

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Loved your post! I also went to pre-cana in 1981…and there were alot of mixed marriages happening…and NOT ONCE did the facilitator nor Father R bring up the doom and gloom I read on CAF about mixed marriages.

**
People can’t just wander into Marriage Prep off the street… so the priest would have known the couples were at least off to a good start when he spoke with them when first approached about marriage.**

 

[Julianna]

**
People can’t just wander into Marriage Prep off the street… so the priest would have known the couples were at least off to a good start when he spoke with them when first approached about marriage.**

That is a given…geez louise.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

That is a given…geez louise.

Well then it makes no sense to assume that if mixed marriages are “discouraged” in the Church that Father would be spouting doom and gloom during pre-Cana. I am sure he would do his fair share in private if he saw potential problem areas.

Starting a marriage (where two become one) without sharing a faith (not in name only, but wholeheartedly) is just putting an obstacle where there needn’t be one…sure, it can and does work, but won’t change the fact that it is not the best option.
**
Nothing against the people that are in mixed marriages, like I said before I started out that way too…**

 

[rolltidefan]

As most of you know, I am protestant married to a Catholic and I started coming on this board to learn more about his faith. Just as the poster said on here, why should I not know about and my husbands faith, however, why should it be wrong that they also know about ours. But, my question is about the last statement about the confirmation. If I am wrong and didn’t understand, please correct me, but If a child goes through confirmation and they are so young, even in their early teens, and it is “just the thing to do” because the church says it is the thing to do. How can they be held forever to the church and will be in sin if they leave because of something they did and never understood to begin with? I mean I have a 14 year old and I cannot see him making a decision such as this at that age. I am teaching him right from wrong, but his decision on if he will go to church or not will be strictly his as an adult. Of course, I hold on to the bible teaching “Train a child in the way he should and when he is older he will not depart from it”.

Also wonderboo, I think this is a wonderful post. I completely understand your frustration, as I never did see a problem in mix marriage until I started coming on here. And it is almost as if you feel that if you are not Catholic, wasn’t married in the Catholic church or etc. your marriage does not mean anything. However, I was not married in a Catholic church, but I can tell you now that I KNOW my marriage is as blessed by God as anyone that did get married in the church. And so I completely understand your frustration.

 

[tapiocapudding]

I am a soon to be Catholic in a VERY mixed marriage. I like to think my marriage won’t fail. I’ve watched the marriages of every couple in my entire extended family and DH’s but two crack up and break apart. Whether they shared religions or not. DH and I have witnessed so much heartbreaking divorce in our lives. It scares me so much. My sister says she’ll never marry. His sister says the same. We took a chance on marriage. Before I decided to become Catholic. I pray God will always be with us and help our marriage be strong. Even if my DH is not a christian. It is discouraging to read all the warnings against mixed marriage. It really made me reconsider converting to Catholicism. I’m glad I decided to do it though with the blessing of my DH.

 

[masuwerte]

Talking about children of a mixed marriage someday choosing what faith to practice, well, I would submit that every one of us, every day, chooses to follow Christ and furthermore, chooses to do so as a Catholic, Episcopalian, Methodist, Baptist or any other denomination. Insisting that your child go to church with you until he’s 18 is no guarantee that he won’t change his mind as soon as he leaves home, even if he’s confirmed when he’s 12. If you can’t respect the choices your adult sons or daughters make, then you don’t really respect them as adults. JMHO.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

As most of you know, I am protestant married to a Catholic and I started coming on this board to learn more about his faith. Just as the poster said on here, why should I not know about and my husbands faith, however, why should it be wrong that they also know about ours. But, my question is about the last statement about the confirmation. If I am wrong and didn’t understand, please correct me, but If a child goes through confirmation and they are so young, even in their early teens, and it is “just the thing to do” because the church says it is the thing to do. How can they be held forever to the church and will be in sin if they leave because of something they did and never understood to begin with? I mean I have a 14 year old and I cannot see him making a decision such as this at that age. I am teaching him right from wrong, but his decision on if he will go to church or not will be strictly his as an adult. Of course, I hold on to the bible teaching “Train a child in the way he should and when he is older he will not depart from it”.
QUOTE]

Eastern Catholics do all three Rites of Initiation when a child is small- how do you reconcile that?
Read the aforementioned thread.

 

[rolltidefan]

Patientandlove…I didn’t say it was right or wrong. I just wondered how a child makes such big decisions. You don’t know until you ask.

 

[anon49823460]

Wonderboo,
Your marriage is working because of your humility, your husband is a blessed man.

May God bless you both

 

[thenewmrssears]

I am just going to stop opening these threads. I get so upset reading them when all I am trying to do is give practical advice. People come down so hard on mixed marriages for absolutely no reason.

Starting a marriage (where two become one) without sharing a faith (not in name only, but wholeheartedly) is just putting an obstacle where there needn’t be one…sure, it can and does work, but won’t change the fact that it is not the best option.

I have never thought of our situation as putting an obstacle in our relationship, and I am completely and utterly offended by the assumption that it is such for mixed marriages. Who are we to decide what is the best option for others?

I’ve said it before, and I will say it again, we have NO idea what is the best option for anyone else. It is disgusting that people judge others for this.

How about those other obstacles? Should people not marry members of another race? A different branch of the military? A never married marrying a widow? How about someone with no kids marrying someone with kids? How about someone from the West Coast marrying someone on the East Coast? Someone from a wealthy family marrying someone from the middle class?

I can honestly say that I have never been so offended in my life as I am about the way this topic is treated on CAF. We’re not people stuck with a marriage that is going to take extra work because we married outside the faith. We don’t all hope that one day our spouse will come to his/her senses and convert or carry around some burden that we married outside the faith.

In my real life, I have never met another Catholic who [even before I was married] made such generalized statements regarding this topic. There are a million mixed marriage couples that have plenty healthy marriages.

I have spent the past hour researching the success rates of mixed marriages vs. Catholic marriages, and I can find NO statistics proving that those of us in mixed marriages are doomed for a life of unhappiness at any higher rate than a Catholic marriage. I’m still waiting for someone to PROVE to me that interfaith marriages provide some sort of “obstacle” that is “work” to overcome. I want to see divorce rate comparisons, counseling comparisons, etc.

I am done in these threads. It is so incredibly uncharitable to judge others as harshly and those of us in mixed marriages are judged. Nathan and I in almost 5 and a half years together have NEVER had a fight about religion.

I do want to repeat that I’m the Catholic. Not my husband. So, this is coming from my Catholic perspective. A cradle Catholic nonetheless.

Sorry I know this is a nasty post. It is just incredibly infuriating. I don’t sit around judging other people’s marital decisions. It is amazing mine is always up for grabs.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Patientandlove…I didn’t say it was right or wrong. I just wondered how a child makes such big decisions. You don’t know until you ask.

**That was why I linked to the other thread… the child doesn’t make a decision. It is not a “come to Jesus” moment. It is a Sacrament. One that will allow the child graces to help him/her through their faith journey. It is simply a continuation of what we as parents already do for our children…guide them in the faith. If our 10 or 12 or 17 year olds told told us they won’t be attending Mass, we would say that when you’re an adult on your own you get to make that choice…for now we do…

and, no, if the child was really resisting the idea of Confirmation we can’t force it. But we can do everything in our power to guide them the right way (i.e. NOT saying, oh ok…sure, whatever you decide).
**

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I’m still waiting for someone to PROVE to me that interfaith marriages provide some sort of “obstacle” that is “work” to overcome. I want to see divorce rate comparisons, counseling comparisons, etc.

Well, in case you’re not really done here, I will just say that the “proof” for me is right here on this forum. Post after post after post of how difference in faith/morals/values is destroying a relationship. If two DEVOUT people (of different faiths) marry there will have to be compromises. I for one would not willingly compromise my faith or that of my child(ren). That, to me, is a huge obstacle.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

**That was why I linked to the other thread… the child doesn’t make a decision. It is not a “come to Jesus” moment. It is a Sacrament. One that will allow the child graces to help him/her through their faith journey. It is simply a continuation of what we as parents already do for our children…guide them in the faith. If our 10 or 12 or 17 year olds told told us they won’t be attending Mass, we would say that when you’re an adult on your own you get to make that choice…for now we do…

and, no, if the child was really resisting the idea of Confirmation we can’t force it. But we can do everything in our power to guide them the right way (i.e. NOT saying, oh ok…sure, whatever you decide).
**

What she said.

I really think too many modern Catholics see Confirmation as a “come to Jesus” moment when it’s not. Not at ALL!
I love the fact that my new parish does First Communion and Confirmation at the same Mass.