My mom has become a Cafeteria Catholic

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I’m sure we can all agree that whatever evangelization will do must be rooted in love. Yes, and sometimes that love demands silence after we have said what we are convicted to say.

Evangelizing in our families is more difficult because of the complexities. Also, they know all our bad habits, missteps. They know that we leave our dirty socks on the floor, etc.

I know when I told my brother he should get married to his girlfriend (live-in, mother of his kids), I had my head bit off. I had to gather my courage to confront him, but I felt I owed it to my Godchildren (his kids). I was upset. He was upset. But, I did what I was called to do. Since then, I have said noting.

One thing I feel like I can never be silent on is life issues. I always speak up when abortion, contraception, and sexual immorality comes up. I hate conflicts.

Why don’t we just assume that we all are endeavoring to share our faith in a charitable manner? Expressing an opinion here in the forums is often done in an emphatic manner whereas in real life we are more subtle and kinder.

I often think that those who bicker here would be good friends in person. There is just a limitation to this type of communication. 🙂
 
The charity level in this thread is declining rapidly. If it does not increase immediately the thread will be closed and posters will have their posting privilges “modified” for as long as I deem appropriate. You are brothers and sisters in Christ - act like it.

Matt 25:40
And the king answering, shall say to them: Amen I say to you, as long as you did it to one of these my least brethren, you did it to me.

Mane Nobiscum Domine,
Ferdinand Mary
 
Hi all. Okay, I’ll attempt to clear some things up, and try not to get banned in the process. First, I’m a male, and I’m 46 years old. Great guess, Regina. I was responding to the original poster when I related my own parents opinions in contrast to mine. That’s when Island jumped in and wanted to banish me to an Island. None of my comments were directed at Island. Island also has me pegged much younger. I’ll take that as a compliment. I do agree with you Island on your other points. Yes, I think we SHOULD be able to talk to others about our faith. BUT, as long as it’s actually what the Church teaches and NOT what I think IT SHOULD teach. See the difference? I don’t believe I badger and browbeat. Someone who’s set in their own beliefs (never mind the facts) and discounts what the Church teaches could take it as badgering and browbeating, especially if I point out that they are in error. I don’t shout from the rooftops. I said when something comes up, I say that I beg to differ. “As the chatechism teaches, etc…” And as I said, I’m working on my delivery of that, but not at the expense of what the Church teaches. I am not here to attack anybody. My main point was this: If it’s not in the cathechism, then it’s not a belief of the Church, no matter what anyone personally believes. That’s it. Now anyone can believe anything they want, be it the tooth fairy to green men from mars, it’s a free country. Knock yourself out. But when I hear an untruth about the Church, it’s our duty to correct it (yes, out of love). If in that correction process, anyone get’s offended, that’s too bad and for that I won’t apologize. In this overly PC society that we live in, everybody’s always “offended”. Get over it. If the truth of the Church teachings offend anyone, they need to reach out to the Church (like I did earlier in my faith journey) and try to understand why the Church teaches that, of course, with a lot of study and even more prayer.
 
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RiverRock:
Hi all. Okay, I’ll attempt to clear some things up, and try not to get banned in the process. First, I’m a male, and I’m 46 years old. Great guess, Regina. I was responding to the original poster when I related my own parents opinions in contrast to mine. That’s when Island jumped in and wanted to banish me to an Island. None of my comments were directed at Island. Island also has me pegged much younger. I’ll take that as a compliment. I do agree with you Island on your other points. Yes, I think we SHOULD be able to talk to others about our faith. BUT, as long as it’s actually what the Church teaches and NOT what I think IT SHOULD teach. See the difference? I don’t believe I badger and browbeat. Someone who’s set in their own beliefs (never mind the facts) and discounts what the Church teaches could take it as badgering and browbeating, especially if I point out that they are in error. I don’t shout from the rooftops. I said when something comes up, I say that I beg to differ. “As the chatechism teaches, etc…” And as I said, I’m working on my delivery of that, but not at the expense of what the Church teaches. I am not here to attack anybody. My main point was this: If it’s not in the cathechism, then it’s not a belief of the Church, no matter what anyone personally believes. That’s it. Now anyone can believe anything they want, be it the tooth fairy to green men from mars, it’s a free country. Knock yourself out. But when I hear an untruth about the Church, it’s our duty to correct it (yes, out of love). If in that correction process, anyone get’s offended, that’s too bad and for that I won’t apologize. In this overly PC society that we live in, everybody’s always “offended”. Get over it. If the truth of the Church teachings offend anyone, they need to reach out to the Church (like I did earlier in my faith journey) and try to understand why the Church teaches that, of course, with a lot of study and even more prayer.
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👍 Amen, River Rock…couldn’t have said it better. For some reason I assumed (correctly, I see) that you were male, did I miss something?

Anyway, discussions about the Truth of what the Church teaches and sanctions are Very Important. I would hope that a Moderator wouldn’t hastily shut down a thread just because one or two participants have (temporarily) misread what another was saying. 99% of us are trying to have a meaningful dialogue. 😉
 
Montanaman,

Can you see how your mom was correct? In other words, look at what she is saying, and try your best to interpret it in a way that actually would be true.

What you mom is getting at is the whole thing that Christ pounded the pharisees for - they had all the knowlege but no love for God.

Next, can you acknowledge that your mom is correct, without admitting that you are wrong?

With respect to your mom’s comments about people who whip out Bible quotes. Is it possible to interpret it as her way of saying, “I’m sorry, it’s just that I have a weak-spot for Bible quoting, and I get easily offended whenever somebody starts quoting the Bible in an argument. Perhaps too easily offended.”???

I was laughing out loud at your narrative. There is something so cool about family relationships. I could have easily have been writing your anecdote. But somehow, through all the spats, we always enjoy getting together again.

Now, if you wanna get really sinister, you take your mom’s words and throw 'em back in her face. For example, when she’s staring daggers at you, you say, “That’s right Mom, it’s what’s in your heart that counts. What’s in your heart right now Mom?” :eek:
 
I’ve been following this thread, and wow, people, it’s okay. No need to fight about anything. I’ll need your cooler heads when I finally let go of my sanity again.

Anyway, here’s a draft of a letter I’m thinking about sending.

I’ve been thinking about our little spat the other day and I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t know what the argument was about. Clearly it was about something, and I know what I was trying to say, but I’m not sure what you were getting at. I’d like to get to the bottom of it, as charitably as possible, rather than letting it sink and fester like I suspect too many things in our family have over the years. My guess is you’d appreciate that, considering how dad never likes to talk about anything.

I’ll try to keep this short, but before I get into it, I just want you to know that I love you very much. You should know that by now, but sometimes it doesn’t get said enough. I’m very aware of, and grateful for, the love you’ve given me for 32 years. I’m almost unique in that I have two parents who are still together after all these years, and who love me as much as I love them. I’m also grateful for the faith you have imparted to me. Ironically, what seems to the point of contention between us is in large part your doing—you taught me to believe, and after some twists, I do. Next to teaching me to read, it was probably the greatest gift you’ve ever given me.

That said, what was that fight about? Here’s what I was trying to say:

American Catholics don’t know the basics of their Catechism.

Of course, I have further opinions on that, but that wasn’t the point. The point is simply that most American Catholics – whether those with a vibrant faith and love of Christ, or lukewarm “Easter/Christmas Catholics” – more often than not couldn’t, say, articulate the difference between the Virgin Birth and the Immaculate Conception. That’s it. There is no value judgment in that, no spiritual or moral judgment whatsoever. It just is what it is, and I believe there’s plenty of anecdotal and “hard” evidence to support it. Not the least of which is John Paul the Great’s call for a “new evangelization,” and Pope Benedict’s similar exhortation for Catholics to read more scripture.
Now, what I think happened is that you believe I’m saying Catholics are “bad” if they aren’t militant apologists like me. Am I misinterpreting you?

I guess I could pose a few questions that would help me to understand why you seem to dispute my basic argument:
  1. Do you dispute that most American Catholics don’t know the basic tenets of Catholicism? If so, how so?
  2. Do you think that I’m making a moral judgment about those who don’t know the mechanics of Catholicism?
  3. Do you think I’m being presumptuous to want to help Catholics know their faith better?
Since I’m unsure what you think I’m saying, the next few questions might be way off the mark, but I want to ask them because they might help to clarify, and therefore “solve” the issue.
  1. Do you think it doesn’t matter whether a Catholic has the “head knowledge” or not?
  2. If what matters most is what’s “in our hearts,” (and I’m not inclined to disagree), do you think having that “head knowledge” distracts from what’s in our hearts?
  3. Don’t you think Catholics are better off defending themselves if they know why the Church teaches what it teaches?
  4. Do you think the laity has no business evangelizing or defending the Church?
These are honest questions, and even if you disagree with me on every single one it’s not going to change how I feel about you. I don’t have any Catholic buddies (with the possible exception of Father Hanley) and all my friends are either atheists or non-Catholics. People disagreeing with me is the norm, not an aberration. I don’t even debate with them unless it happens naturally. And I can’t even remember the last time a debate went bad.
That’s all I’ve got so far…
 
Montanaman,

My gut is telling me to let it go. Just write the letter to apologize for your end of the bad behavior, thank her for being a wonderful mother, and drop it. Seriously.

You wrote in post 18:

“It’s not a question of heresy or not. It’s actually a very bizarre thing. I was only trying to make one simple little point, and it was an off-hand remark at that. Only my mom’s vehemence and anger kept me at it, trying to clarify, trying to figure out what the problem was. … But Mom wouldn’t hear anything beyond her distortion of what I was saying.”

Your mom was only hearing you critisize her directly, HER. Not her opinions, her beliefs, but HER. She heard, “You didn’t teach me anything about my faith as a child. I had to learn it all on my own.” I have this in my own family.

She knows letting your brothers gf sleep over is wrong. She probably FELT like you were throwing your “superior” Catholisism in her face. She heard “You didn’t do anything right in teaching us. See, I will NOT be sleeping with my girlfriend. You are very evil to let my brother do so, he was not taught correctly by you”. Your later argument, touched on and reinforced this thought of hers.

Someone who feels they are being personally attacked will defent themselves by any means neccesary. (Logic does not matter).

Don’t try to “explain” your argument, it will only make it worse. Apologize for getting caught up in the heat of the moment, and compliment her. That’s it. If she “really” wanted to know what you meant, she would ask.
 
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Siena:
Don’t try to “explain” your argument, it will only make it worse. Apologize for getting caught up in the heat of the moment, and compliment her. That’s it.
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I agree with Siena. Don’t rekindle the argument. It will only make things worse. She is your mother, not a theological debate opponent.
 
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Listener:
The mother referred to in this post sounds like a neat long-suffering lady who has been through a lot. I think she needs respect, not criticism. I would also like to point out that we have a commandment (straight from God) that admonishes us to “Honor your father and mother.”
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Maybe I’m wrong, but this seems to be the point of the OP. He KNOWS the commandment, “honor thy father and mother”, but he also knows that he should be standing up for the One, True Church, and he also knows when he himself (and the woman he loves) is being disrespected. My DH and I struggle with this balance all the time with his parents, especially, since we live a few blocks from them ( :bigyikes: ). YES we honor them, but does that mean we should give in to their every unreasonable demand to bow down to their irrational statements? It’s just hard. Usually it’s best to lean to the side of humility, but sometimes it’s really hard to discern humility from doormat, at least for us. So I think I really understand the trouble the OP is having. 🙂

I agree with the person who suggested “separation issues”. That’s what it seems to be with the troubles we have/had with our parents. Silly. They raise us right, to be independent and discerning thinkers, and then they’re shocked when we are what they made us! :whacky:
 
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Siena:
Montanaman,

My gut is telling me to let it go. Just write the letter to apologize for your end of the bad behavior, thank her for being a wonderful mother, and drop it. Seriously.

You wrote in post 18:

“It’s not a question of heresy or not. It’s actually a very bizarre thing. I was only trying to make one simple little point, and it was an off-hand remark at that. Only my mom’s vehemence and anger kept me at it, trying to clarify, trying to figure out what the problem was. … But Mom wouldn’t hear anything beyond her distortion of what I was saying.”

Your mom was only hearing you critisize her directly, HER. Not her opinions, her beliefs, but HER. She heard, “You didn’t teach me anything about my faith as a child. I had to learn it all on my own.” I have this in my own family.

She knows letting your brothers gf sleep over is wrong. She probably FELT like you were throwing your “superior” Catholisism in her face. She heard “You didn’t do anything right in teaching us. See, I will NOT be sleeping with my girlfriend. You are very evil to let my brother do so, he was not taught correctly by you”. Your later argument, touched on and reinforced this thought of hers.

Someone who feels they are being personally attacked will defent themselves by any means neccesary. (Logic does not matter).

Don’t try to “explain” your argument, it will only make it worse. Apologize for getting caught up in the heat of the moment, and compliment her. That’s it. If she “really” wanted to know what you meant, she would ask.
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I think this is good… this approach seems to work with our parents, too. It helps keep us humble, but we’re not really backing down when it comes to defending the things that matter (in our case it’s usually not usually the Faith, but our right to parent our own children). The only thing that doesn’t seem to be in this post is that you can change hearts faster and more efficiently if you realize YOU’RE not changing them at all-- God is! 🙂 So PRAY and sacrifice for her. and the rest of your family, too!
 
I assumed that the op was praying already.🙂

-I wanted to add one thing from last night. The part where your mom insisted you sleep in the same bedroom as your gf bothered me quite a bit. In the future, you might want to be prepared for this, and arrainge for your gf to sleep in a nearby hotel, or at a friendly female neighbor, or couple’s house. You want to avoid the near occasion of sin (which you are rightly avoiding the rest of the time), and you don’t want to be a cause for scandel for your family, who will perhaps “assume” you are being unchaste, and are probably so at home anyway. (With a “nudge-nudge, wink-wink” on their part). This can be done without any big “hoilier than thou” production, emphisising the seriousness of your commitment, without making anyone feel bad. It might also have the effect of quietly evangelizing your family.

God bless.
 
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Siena:
I assumed that the op was praying already.🙂

-I wanted to add one thing from last night. The part where your mom insisted you sleep in the same bedroom as your gf bothered me quite a bit. In the future, you might want to be prepared for this, and arrainge for your gf to sleep in a nearby hotel, or at a friendly female neighbor, or couple’s house. You want to avoid the near occasion of sin (which you are rightly avoiding the rest of the time), and you don’t want to be a cause for scandel for your family, who will perhaps “assume” you are being unchaste, and are probably so at home anyway. (With a “nudge-nudge, wink-wink” on their part). This can be done without any big “hoilier than thou” production, emphisising the seriousness of your commitment, without making anyone feel bad. It might also have the effect of quietly evangelizing your family.

God bless.
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I thought about getting a hotel for either my girlfriend or myself, but that would just have sped up the fight. If I can’t say a simple, factual, statistical thing without somehow implying that my mom is going to Hell, then the hotel thing would have been a nuclear bomb.

My family is so weird. We don’t talk about anything, but when we do, it’s always “coded” or downplayed. It’s part of the thing that drove my mom insane, finally. I don’t need to talk about “issues” all the time, but after a while, I can understand how it pushed her over the edge.

And that’s the thing. I think Mom is losing her mind. This isn’t an apologetics issue–I think she’s finally starting to slip away into madness. I’m not being facetious here. I really think it’s true. Maybe it’s genetic, but I doubt it. She has always been an angry person and has demanded that everyone around her change, but she’s never made an effort to do so herself. She ALWAYS has some criticism for someone she just meets. I’m utterly sick of it, and 3000 miles between us is the only thing that’s preserved the relationship this long. I know she loves me, but I think it’s more of a selfish kind of love.

If I have to separate myself from her because I can’t stand the anger anymore, or because this world is upside down and trying to help someone is “judgmental,” then I think that’s going to be the final straw for her. Me and my sister, (who she told to “shut up, you’re not helping” in the fight) are her last two friends in the world. Seriously–she has no friends. Dad has a healthy, normal social life, but his friends are not her friends. In fact, I get the impression that they all have an unspoken understanding that my dad is suffering but will never divorce her. If mom finds herself alone, having alienated her oldest son and daughter-confidant, I worry that she won’t take that as a wake-up call, but further confirmation that she’s the only normal person around. I know what that looks like–D.C.'s streets are filled with the mumbling, raving madmen.

I have the feeling that someday I’ll be visiting mom in a nursing home, all her family gone, her husband dead, raving at ME for all my failures while I just nod and say, “Yes, mom. There, there, it’ll all be alright…”
 
If your mom is literally “losing her mind”, what makes you think that she would read and understand your letter in a rational way?

Don’t send the letter. Let it go.
 
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ack:
If your mom is literally “losing her mind”, what makes you think that she would read and understand your letter in a rational way?

Don’t send the letter. Let it go.
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I probably won’t send THAT letter, but I’m considering a new approach. In truth, though, I probably won’t send anything because by the time the letter gets there, we’ll have talked on the phone and everything will get said anyway. We usually speak once a week (on Sundays). But, I’m in a small dilemma because as I have said, even being passive is enough to set her off. If I refrain from talking to her for X amount of time, she’s going to take that to mean…something. I never know.

It’s coming down to this: I lover her, but I don’t like her very much. She doesn’t listen–and then demands that I listen to her even when she’s distorting what I have said. She’s against “judging people,” yet rarely has a kind word about anyone. I’ve just about given up trying to explain how things are going with my girlfriend’s anti-Catholic, fantatical family because she’ll take one kernal of information and blow it out of proportion so bad I find myself coming to their defense.

In all likelihood I won’t talk to her tonight because I don’t have anything to say to her. I’m not mad, but I can’t just ignore this nonsense anymore. I don’t HAVE to talk to her, but that silence is going to be the worst kind of statement–because it’s not saying anything, it says EVERYTHING to her, and it’s all about how bad she is.

I think that some people in this thread have gotten the impression that I’m all amped up to go fight the good fight for the Church. I’m not (at least not in this case). I don’t want to fight with my mom, but when every single word is distorted and thrown back in my face, what option do I have? The woman is aggressively constructing a tiny little castle around herself and blaming everyone else.
 
Why not have a talk with your father about this? It sounds like your mother needs help.
 
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Cupofkindness:
Why not have a talk with your father about this? It sounds like your mother needs help.
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I had a good laugh about that. I know you wrote it with charity and concern, but what you don’t know is that’s a laughable prospect. Dad abdicated his spiritual headship role long ago. My family has been without a spiritual leader for…well, forever. Mom taught us the basics, (and I am indebted to her for that), but Dad is a convert and hasn’t demonstrated a teaching role except when we seemed on the brink of making fantastically stupid decisions.

Dad’s an odd one. He seems to be a master of industry. He started humbly with almost no money, and about 30 years later he has nearly a hundred rentals and dozens of other pieces of property. He gripes about being broke all the time, but still finds the cash to build a new house for the family every couple of years, buy a new truck, etc. He recently bought a golf course he’s in the process of re-establishing.

On a moral/spiritual level, Dad is beyond criticism, it seems. He once got so mad the cuss word bubbled up from somewhere deep within, but instead of saying ****, he said “Crup!” Me and my brother were on the receiving end of that one, but when he said that, we all fell over laughing.

He’s always been a man of his word, as far as I can tell. He’s well respected. He’s stoic, but knows how to laugh. At an extremely rare clan get-together at the clubhouse after hours, Dad had as many beers as the rest of us and seemed like a man in control of the universe; happy, healthy, content. I’ve always loved and feared the guy, and if I were to paint an icon of God, chances are it’d look like my Dad.

However, when it comes to being a spiritual head–or even an active moral leader–he has no interest. He doesn’t talk. He doesn’t ask “what’s wrong.” Ever since I graduated college, the only topics of conversation that go the distance with him are about the weather or work. I think he thinks of me as a stranger, and always has–I was part of a package deal when he married my mom. When Dad became my dad, I was already three years old. (My bio-dad is a Protestant minister in Seattle–long story).

I’ve tried talking to him before about various issues, but he’s got a full complement of deflecting phrases. But from what I’ve been able to determine, his approach to Mom is now “wait it out until someone dies.”

It’s just the way it is. I hate it, and if I end up getting married, I’ll do it differently. I don’t want to be a touchy-feely father, but I’ll definitely make sure my kids know I love them, and that when it comes to life’s big decisions, I’m there to help.

I’m sorry if it seems like I’m deflecting all the advice–either in this thread or others. It just helps to write this stuff out. Your advice often times sets my thinking off into a new direction, and I appreciate it even if I don’t describe exactly how this helps.
 
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Cupofkindness:
Why not have a talk with your father about this? It sounds like your mother needs help.
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Oh yeah, and while mom and I had our fight in front of family and guests, dad hung back and just watched. I barely registered his presence there the whole time. I saw him once, arms propped on the kitchen island, silently attentive. I couldn’t make out the look on his face–it was either sadness, disgust, fear, curiosity, pity…or nothing. I’m fairly certain he just thought of the thing as totally pointless. Maybe he’s right.

One more thing about Dad: He converted from a cult, basically. This cult has helped make my mom the bitter woman she seems to be. For about 18 years, his conversion was pretty quiet. But in the midst of my anti-religious rebellious stage, he started going to Mass full time–even on week days, and often on Sundays even if mom didn’t go. He stunned me one Christmas Eve when he said I should go to Mass more…

My Dad is either dead cold inside, or he’s a saint. Depending on the direction of the wind, I think it’s either.
 
Montanaman…

The more posts I read from you on this thread, the more it sounds like you are describing my mother-in-law…She was always on the fight, always had a negative word to say about someone, and we all took our turns on her “fecal roster”. My husband is a strong but very quiet man who understands that his mother will always be in some kind of mental/emotional turmoil every waking moment and has learned that to fight back or to engage her in some kind of debate is nonproductive and only makes matters worse. That is what she lives for and it energizes her even more to continue the drama. So when the fight is on, he disengages, even if she is dead wrong. I have taken his lead and as difficult as it may be, I, too, have learned to let things slide and have become quite adept and changing the subject (she very quickly forgets the fight then, not realizing that nothing has been settled). Is it hard to let someone rant on about a subject they are totally clueless about? Yes. Is it hard not to give in and put in my 2 cents? Yes. Does knowing that I am right and not being able to educate someone drive me batty? Yes. Does ignoring someone who is deliberately pushing your buttons drive me to the brink? Yes. But over the years I have seen that taking this approach has made our turns on her list very few and far between. She does not engage us nearly as much in her drama as others in the family, I think because she knows we’ll ignore it (respectfully). In the past, I had to remind myself that as nuts as I thought this woman was, she was still my husband’s mother and I was to honor her, in whatever form she took.

I agree with what some of the others have said. Let it go. Let it slide off your back like water off a duck’s back. I have never been one to ignore the elephant in the living room, but with her I have found that’s the only way to make our lives liveable around her. (Sorry for all the animal references!). At times it feels so dishonest to take that route, but it’s no different than training a young child how to behave around you. If you do not “reward” her behavior (and for some, the fight is incredibly rewarding) then it will become less and less frequent. Many times I’m struck at how similarly I treat her and my own young children in terms of “behavior management”!

Call your mother. Don’t bring up the issues. Ask her how she’s doing, what she did this week, what’s for dinner, etc. Life doesn’t always have to be dramatic and lots of times, surface conversation is the best we can do at the time. She may find that as she gets older, you will be the one she’ll trust the most because you have been the most respectful toward her.

My own mother died 16 years ago and I never knew her as a mature adult (me, that is). Honor your mother, honor the time you have with her, be grateful for the gift of her energy and enthusiasm (as misguided as you may think it may be). As St. Paul said, “Be joyful always; pray unceasingly; and in ALL circumstances, give thanks, for that is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”. I believe you to be a prayerful soul, so in this situation, what can you think of to be grateful for? What joy can you find in this situation with your mother? Focus on that and the rest will resolve itself.

On my mother’ deathbed (literally), she told me, “Pray for peace and joy” (hence my signature line). I have found that advice invaluable in every aspect of my life since. So to you, I give the same advice.

:gopray:
 
Dang. It seems like I’ve opened something up here. I don’t know how relevant this is, but I have a habit of never being able to see my own thoughts…

The next night after The Great Crusade, or whatever it was, Grandma came over. (Dad drove her from the Home, actually). My girlfriend, Grace, and I were looking through old family photos and videos at her request. She wanted to see what I was like as a kid. I got into it, too, though I usually don’t like that stuff.

Grandma has had Parkinson’s for so long that her doctor is beginning to wonder if that’s what she really has. She should be in the next life by now, and her disease has made her distant and…I don’t know. You know how the elderly get when they advance. She’s grumpier, but still loving. You know? Anyway, we kept the videos on because she wanted to watch them.

As we played all these home videos and Grace and I looked at the pictures, we just kept laughing and laughing at all the stupid things we kids did that somehow got recorded. At one point, during a video of my brother singing a silly song he was making up on the spot, we were all laughing so hard the tears were coming. Then, at some point, my laughter turned to real crying, though no one saw. I didn’t want to make a scene so I went to the bathroom and just let it out. I didn’t know where it was coming from and I still don’t. All I knew was that I hadn’t cried like that in a long, long time. I like crying about as much as I like puking.

I guess I’m trying to say that there’s cancer in our family, and even the most tentative steps to treat it are verbotten. It feels like we’re collapsing and there’s nothing I or anyone can do about it. We can’t even begin to do so or war breaks out.
 
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farmbabe1:
Montanaman…

The more posts I read from you on this thread, the more it sounds like you are describing my mother-in-law…She was always on the fight, always had a negative word to say about someone, and we all took our turns on her “fecal roster”. My husband is a strong but very quiet man who understands that his mother will always be in some kind of mental/emotional turmoil every waking moment and has learned that to fight back or to engage her in some kind of debate is nonproductive and only makes matters worse. That is what she lives for and it energizes her even more to continue the drama. So when the fight is on, he disengages, even if she is dead wrong. I have taken his lead and as difficult as it may be, I, too, have learned to let things slide and have become quite adept and changing the subject (she very quickly forgets the fight then, not realizing that nothing has been settled). Is it hard to let someone rant on about a subject they are totally clueless about? Yes. Is it hard not to give in and put in my 2 cents? Yes. Does knowing that I am right and not being able to educate someone drive me batty? Yes. Does ignoring someone who is deliberately pushing your buttons drive me to the brink? Yes. But over the years I have seen that taking this approach has made our turns on her list very few and far between. She does not engage us nearly as much in her drama as others in the family, I think because she knows we’ll ignore it (respectfully). In the past, I had to remind myself that as nuts as I thought this woman was, she was still my husband’s mother and I was to honor her, in whatever form she took.

I agree with what some of the others have said. Let it go. Let it slide off your back like water off a duck’s back. I have never been one to ignore the elephant in the living room, but with her I have found that’s the only way to make our lives liveable around her. (Sorry for all the animal references!). At times it feels so dishonest to take that route, but it’s no different than training a young child how to behave around you. If you do not “reward” her behavior (and for some, the fight is incredibly rewarding) then it will become less and less frequent. Many times I’m struck at how similarly I treat her and my own young children in terms of “behavior management”!

Call your mother. Don’t bring up the issues. Ask her how she’s doing, what she did this week, what’s for dinner, etc. Life doesn’t always have to be dramatic and lots of times, surface conversation is the best we can do at the time. She may find that as she gets older, you will be the one she’ll trust the most because you have been the most respectful toward her.

My own mother died 16 years ago and I never knew her as a mature adult (me, that is). Honor your mother, honor the time you have with her, be grateful for the gift of her energy and enthusiasm (as misguided as you may think it may be). As St. Paul said, “Be joyful always; pray unceasingly; and in ALL circumstances, give thanks, for that is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”. I believe you to be a prayerful soul, so in this situation, what can you think of to be grateful for? What joy can you find in this situation with your mother? Focus on that and the rest will resolve itself.

On my mother’ deathbed (literally), she told me, “Pray for peace and joy” (hence my signature line). I have found that advice invaluable in every aspect of my life since. So to you, I give the same advice.

:gopray:
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Thank you.
 
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