My mom has become a Cafeteria Catholic

[ReginaNova]

montanaman–It sounds like you are at the beginning stages of working through some issues. I suspect these unresolved family issues are becoming overwhelming because of your relationship with Grace and your ambivalence (or lack of certainty) about marrying her. I recall your posts before Christmas about the engagement ring. With this thread (in which you share your family background), I am struck that Grace is not Catholic and her family is anti-Catholic. Given your family religious background (step-father was a convert and formerly in a cult but still not strongly Catholic, your relationship with your mother and her eccentricities, and your biological father is a Protestant minister), I am even more convinced that you were not ready to give the ring to Grace. I recall you said that your friends are either not Catholic or anti-Catholic. Is there a pattern here? Is there some reason you don’t have Catholic friends and don’t seriously date Catholic women? Are all of these things related to unresolved issues with your mom?

 

[ReginaNova]

farmbabe–Totally beautiful post! You have attained great wisdom and your children are blessed to have you as their mother.

 

[dulcissima]

Montanaman,

I am guessing your dad is a saint. Just a hunch.

Pray for your mom though. From what you have described, she has isolated herself from the love that is all around her, and that is the essence of hell. Hell is a place that some people choose. It is self-imposed. I don’t think you will be able to talk her out of it. I don’t think you can come up with the right combination of words that will convince her to leave her place that she has chosen. All you can do is offer her your love and your prayers. It may take a while, but maybe someday she will come around and redisvoer that person that you know she really is.

 

[montanaman]

ReginaNova:

montanaman–It sounds like you are at the beginning stages of working through some issues. I suspect these unresolved family issues are becoming overwhelming because of your relationship with Grace and your ambivalence (or lack of certainty) about marrying her. I recall your posts before Christmas about the engagement ring. With this thread (in which you share your family background), I am struck that Grace is not Catholic and her family is anti-Catholic. Given your family religious background (step-father was a convert and formerly in a cult but still not strongly Catholic, your relationship with your mother and her eccentricities, and your biological father is a Protestant minister), I am even more convinced that you were not ready to give the ring to Grace. I recall you said that your friends are either not Catholic or anti-Catholic. Is there a pattern here? Is there some reason you don’t have Catholic friends and don’t seriously date Catholic women? Are all of these things related to unresolved issues with your mom?

Hah! My life sounds like a soap opera.

Why don’t I don’t have any Catholic friends is that I never knew where to find them? At Church? Hah. Everyone can’t wait to leave. Most parishes have coffee and doughnuts once a month, and only the older families attend those. I finally discovered Theology on Tap, but for some reason I never click with anyone. Why don’t I date Catholic women? Well, before I met Grace I had never met any worth it. By that I mean “recongizably Catholic.”

Is it related to my mom? Who knows? Probably. I feel like I’m coming to the end of dismantling a lot of the b.s. she instilled in me.

 

[farmbabe1]

ReginaNova:

farmbabe–Totally beautiful post! You have attained great wisdom and your children are blessed to have you as their mother.

Thank you, ReginaNova. I appreciate the kind words.

 

[bellesjoy]

As a mom, a mother-in-law, and a grandma, I can tell you that it is not easy to be graceful even if you and your children agree on most topics.

“kids”, which is how a mom sees her 30 something or even 40 something children, are sometimes very quick to show thier parents how much smarter, better or more understanding they are of the world in general and other topics in particular. While we do not have this kind of showdowns in our family, we do rub each other the wrong way occasionally.

In general parents are pleased to see the maturity and intelligence of their adult children. However this should not be confused with arrogance and when the demonstration is done to make mom or dad look stupid or wrong or foolish, it is painful and difficult to take, even if you can admit that as a parent you were wrong in a particular situation (and Lord knows we have all been there!). It hurts to have your children correct you when it is done without love. Love and humility seem to go hand in hand for best results.

I think your behavior says to your Mother that she is not a good mother, not a good Catholic (even if you witness her faults, a visit is not a time to walk in and judge), that your faith and knowlege of it are superior and that you judge her. While you think your words will effect the change you seek, they will not. The result will be wounded feelings, heartbreak and a defensive posture even when she is “proven” to be wrong.

The way you live your life, the charity that you show her as your mother, the respect you show for her inspite of your inner judgements against her, the example you set for your brother and your ability to show true humility will do far more than what you said and did on this visit. I would suggest you not continue with the remarks in a letter that will be read over and over again driving her further from you, intrenching her in her false values and causing her more pain each time she reads it.

Focus on the fact that your Mother gave you the gift of faith as a child. Honor her for that. Pray that she finds the courage to live the faith once again. The way you live just might inspire that.