My Mom is making me feel so guilty

[Mapper71]

I am 2 weeks away form turning 37 and I still feel like my Mom has such a hold on my life. I am one of 2 kids and my sister lives about 2000 miles away and we haven’t seen her in 13 years because my Mom has a problem with her husband and my sister won’t come up because she feel unwelcome. My Dad died when I was 14 and I feel like I have been the stand in spouse since then. She wants me to go to things with her because she won’t go alone, I have to fix things for her, help her out around the house, etc. I have been dating my fiance for 4 years now and we have been long distance for 3 years. I haven’t moved to be with him because I don’t want to disappoint my Mom. I currently live about 10 minutes form my Mom and see her twice a week and talk with her every day. She depends on me for so much and is so afraid to do anything new. I know I am her best friend. She doesn’t go out and she doesn’t initiate calls to anyone. I told my mom a month ago that when my lease is up in April that I will be moving to be with my fiance, 2000 miles away. It doesn’t make sense to marry someone you only see 6 weeks out of the year. She is not happy about it but at least she’s better than she was 2 years ago when it first came up. Back then she said such hurtful things as “Is it too late for you to find someone here” “I should have had more kids so some would stick around” and “I’ll be too busy crying when you leave to do much of anything”. Those words were very hurtful to me. It seems like she wants me to give up having my own life to be with her. Now she still talks as if I’ll be here for the entire year and hasn’t said one word about me leaving. Meanwhile I’m getting quotes from moving companies, doing my resumé and looking for jobs all unbeknownst to her because she doesn’t want to talk about it. She’s capable to do just about anything she wants but fear gets the best of her and I have extreme guilt about the whole situation. She would NEVER move and she’s not to the point where she would need assisted living (she’s told me she’d rather be dead than leave her home). My question is, am I a bad daughter for leaving my 76 year old mom by herself to go and have my own life?

 

[mercygate]

I am 2 weeks away form turning 37 and I still feel like my Mom has such a hold on my life. I am one of 2 kids and my sister lives about 2000 miles away and we haven’t seen her in 13 years because my Mom has a problem with her husband and my sister won’t come up because she feel unwelcome. My Dad died when I was 14 and I feel like I have been the stand in spouse since then. She wants me to go to things with her because she won’t go alone, I have to fix things for her, help her out around the house, etc. I have been dating my fiance for 4 years now and we have been long distance for 3 years. I haven’t moved to be with him because I don’t want to disappoint my Mom. I currently live about 10 minutes form my Mom and see her twice a week and talk with her every day. She depends on me for so much and is so afraid to do anything new. I know I am her best friend. She doesn’t go out and she doesn’t initiate calls to anyone. I told my mom a month ago that when my lease is up in April that I will be moving to be with my fiance, 2000 miles away. It doesn’t make sense to marry someone you only see 6 weeks out of the year. She is not happy about it but at least she’s better than she was 2 years ago when it first came up. Back then she said such hurtful things as “Is it too late for you to find someone here” “I should have had more kids so some would stick around” and “I’ll be too busy crying when you leave to do much of anything”. Those words were very hurtful to me. It seems like she wants me to give up having my own life to be with her. Now she still talks as if I’ll be here for the entire year and hasn’t said one word about me leaving. Meanwhile I’m getting quotes from moving companies, doing my resumé and looking for jobs all unbeknownst to her because she doesn’t want to talk about it. She’s capable to do just about anything she wants but fear gets the best of her and I have extreme guilt about the whole situation. She would NEVER move and she’s not to the point where she would need assisted living (she’s told me she’d rather be dead than leave her home). My question is, am I a bad daughter for leaving my 76 year old mom by herself to go and have my own life?

If somebody else had written this, what would your diagnosis be? If somebody else at age 37 had written this, what would you say to her?

 

[1ke]

You mother has no disabilities and nothing preventing her from living a normal life.

She is being selfish and manipulative. And, it’s worked since you were 14, so she’s going to keep on doing it until it doens’t work anymore.

 

[Mapper71]

If somebody else had written this, what would your diagnosis be? If somebody else at age 37 had written this, what would you say to her?

I would tell them that they’re crazy and to go on with their life, but I feel like my situation is unique due to the fact that my dad is dead and I’m the only family she has around and that she is so scared of things. I don’t know of anyone else in that position.

 

[PaulinVA]

Mapper71, yes your mother is manipulative. Yes, she depends on you.

In the next 10 years (she’s 76) you will probably have to deal with, at least, her failing health. She likely won’t be able to live alone at some point.

You have a right to get married and be happy. Just pointing out that the escape may be short lived.

 

[kevinsgirl]

Mapper–follow the advice I gave in your last thread about your mom.

Prayers,

KG

 

[1ke]

I would tell them that they’re crazy and to go on with their life, but I feel like my situation is unique due to the fact that my dad is dead and I’m the only family she has around and that she is so scared of things. I don’t know of anyone else in that position.

Your situation is not unique. That’s the 23 years of brainwashing you have received.

People’s spouses die all the time. They grieve and they move on. They meet new people, they build a new life. My step-dad’s father died when he and his two siblings were young. Their mother worked in a menial job, raised the boys, and they all left the nest. She never manipulated them as your mother does. They all cared for her, although none lived in her town. She lived to be very old, living alone but very active with her senior group, her church, and her volunteering. She square danced. She played cards. She knitted. She visited her sons and their families. She went to Europe.

That is normal. Your situation is NOT normal.

You were 14. You were the child. She was the parent. She had no right to do what she did to you.

You are the only family she has around because she has driven the rest away. She is driving you away. It is by her own hand.

If she cannot have a healthy relationship with her children and with other people that is NOT your fault.

She needs help from a mental health professional.

Nothing you do will ever please her. After 23 years, it’s time to stop the madness.

 

[dhgray]

Please consider rading the book Boundaries:
familychristian.com/shop/product.asp?ProdID=276

It really helps.

 

[1ke]

Mapper,

I just went back and read your August thread on this same topic.

You got excellent advice there.

What are you hoping to accomplish by posting this same thread over again?
If you are not willing to get counseling, take steps to move on to a healthy relationship, and stop letting your mother manipulate you then we cannot help you.

Everyone is saying the same thing on this post that was said on the last one.

 

[mercygate]

I would tell them that they’re crazy and to go on with their life, but I feel like my situation is unique due to the fact that my dad is dead and I’m the only family she has around and that she is so scared of things. I don’t know of anyone else in that position.

That’s certainly a good way to maintain the status quo. Maybe you’re not all that interested in your fiance?

Actually, your situation is far from unique, and about once a year on these forums somebody posts a virtually identical scenario.

Read again the portions I bolded in your OP. Do these things sound like something a mature person would do? Do these things sound like something a mature daughter would allow herself to be manipulated by?

 

[mercygate]

Mapper,

I just went back and read your August thread on this same topic.

You got excellent advice there.

What are you hoping to accomplish by posting this same thread over again?
If you are not willing to get counseling, take steps to move on to a healthy relationship, and stop letting your mother manipulate you then we cannot help you.

Everyone is saying the same thing on this post that was said on the last one.

I knew I had seen this before! Looks like Mapper is a clone of her mom.

 

[Mapper71]

And she won’t talk about anything. There were so many times growing up or even when I was 25 years old and still at home that she would give me the silent treatment. I’d wake up one morning after nothing being wrong the night before and she wouldn’t be talking to me. This would go on for 2-3 days and then one morning I’d get up and she’d be talking to me again. No explanation why or what the whole no talking thing was about. During the no talk period I didn’t want to do anything but make her happy. I’d go to work and wonder the whole time if she’d talk to me when I got home. I didn’t want to eat, talk with anyone, do anything but make her talk to me again. Even now when I visit her if I want to talk about something with her, like me moving, 30 seconds into the situation she’ll change the subject to “oh look at the pretty bird at the birdfeeder” and when I ask her to talk about moving she gets mad or just starts humming (which I find to mean “I’m upset, but I’m not going to tell you why”) Yet she can have a 10 minutes conversation on whether we should have tuna casserole or hamburger casserole for dinner that night!

Your situation is not unique. That’s the 23 years of brainwashing you have received.

People’s spouses die all the time. They grieve and they move on. They meet new people, they build a new life. My step-dad’s father died when he and his two siblings were young. Their mother worked in a menial job, raised the boys, and they all left the nest. She never manipulated them as your mother does. They all cared for her, although none lived in her town. She lived to be very old, living alone but very active with her senior group, her church, and her volunteering. She square danced. She played cards. She knitted. She visited her sons and their families. She went to Europe.

That is normal. Your situation is NOT normal.

You were 14. You were the child. She was the parent. She had no right to do what she did to you.

You are the only family she has around because she has driven the rest away. She is driving you away. It is by her own hand.

If she cannot have a healthy relationship with her children and with other people that is NOT your fault.

She needs help from a mental health professional.

Nothing you do will ever please her. After 23 years, it’s time to stop the madness.

 

[mercygate]

And she won’t talk about anything. There were so many times growing up or even when I was 25 years old and still at home that she would give me the silent treatment. I’d wake up one morning after nothing being wrong the night before and she wouldn’t be talking to me. This would go on for 2-3 days and then one morning I’d get up and she’d be talking to me again. No explanation why or what the whole no talking thing was about. During the no talk period I didn’t want to do anything but make her happy. I’d go to work and wonder the whole time if she’d talk to me when I got home. I didn’t want to eat, talk with anyone, do anything but make her talk to me again. Even now when I visit her if I want to talk about something with her, like me moving, 30 seconds into the situation she’ll change the subject to “oh look at the pretty bird at the birdfeeder” and when I ask her to talk about moving she gets mad or just starts humming (which I find to mean “I’m upset, but I’m not going to tell you why”) Yet she can have a 10 minutes conversation on whether we should have tuna casserole or hamburger casserole for dinner that night!

O for Pete’s sake. Just DO what you need to do. Trust me; when the movers show up, she’ll start talking. She’ll probably throw a tantrum followed up by the silent treatment. DEAL with it!

The best advice anybody ever gave me (30 years ago) when I was dealing with a “difficult” mom and lamenting that I couldn’t have a wholesome adult relationship with her was: “Maybe you can’t have that.”

That was the first day of my adult life. I stopped mourning for what would never be. And guess what? Mom didn’t get any worse. If you move away, and six months later offer to help her find a place near you, she’ll grouse and kvetch and call you names – and THEN SHE WILL MOVE.

 

[Reepicheep]

And she won’t talk about anything. There were so many times growing up or even when I was 25 years old and still at home that she would give me the silent treatment. I’d wake up one morning after nothing being wrong the night before and she wouldn’t be talking to me. This would go on for 2-3 days and then one morning I’d get up and she’d be talking to me again. No explanation why or what the whole no talking thing was about. During the no talk period I didn’t want to do anything but make her happy. I’d go to work and wonder the whole time if she’d talk to me when I got home. I didn’t want to eat, talk with anyone, do anything but make her talk to me again. Even now when I visit her if I want to talk about something with her, like me moving, 30 seconds into the situation she’ll change the subject to “oh look at the pretty bird at the birdfeeder” and when I ask her to talk about moving she gets mad or just starts humming (which I find to mean “I’m upset, but I’m not going to tell you why”) Yet she can have a 10 minutes conversation on whether we should have tuna casserole or hamburger casserole for dinner that night!

You have just described one of the methods she uses to control you.
She goes silent and
–“I didn’t want to do anything but make her happy. I’d go to work and wonder the whole time if she’d talk to me when I got home. I didn’t want to eat, talk with anyone, do anything but make her talk to me again.”

You already know the problem, and I think you already know the solution. It’s up to you to do it.

 

[happymommy]

Are you using your mother as an excuse to not have to move and be with this man? Maybe you are set in your ways too and don’t really want things to change, but are blaming your mom instead of saying, this is how I want things to be? Just a thought. If you really wanted to be married, you wouldn’t have been having a long distance relationship, engaged, for the last 3 years.

 

[Mapper71]

God no! I’ve wanted to be gone for years. I would have such a relaxed life and be so much happier.

Are you using your mother as an excuse to not have to move and be with this man? Maybe you are set in your ways too and don’t really want things to change, but are blaming your mom instead of saying, this is how I want things to be? Just a thought. If you really wanted to be married, you wouldn’t have been having a long distance relationship, engaged, for the last 3 years.

 

[gmarie21]

God no! I’ve wanted to be gone for years. I would have such a relaxed life and be so much happier.

So, you’ve been willing to affect your health and sanity because of your mother. Go to the parenting page and ask the parents “to be happy, would you want your adult children to suffer physically and mentally?” See the responses. Not a single loving parent I know would ever want their child to suffer because of the parent’s own selfishness.

 

[Mapper71]

Yup, I’ve sacrificed a lot of things in my life to make my mom happy. I know it’s not right, but I’ve done it. Even things like meeting a friend for dinner on a Saturday night and being home by 9PM get her in a bad mood if I tell her that I’m meeting a friend Saturday night then I pick her up for church on Sunday morning and I get in the car and I immediately get “so were you out late” and I swear she thinks I’m out until 2AM and have a hangover from drinking. It’s like even going out on a weekend evening for a few hours upsets her. Another thing i stopped telling her about is the bonus we get at work at the end of the year. She knows we get wine and $200 for Christmas but if we had a good year we do profit sharing and there were a few years where I got $2000 bonus as well and when I told her that, she gasped and got upset that would get that much! So needless to say I don’t tell her about those anymore.

So, you’ve been willing to affect your health and sanity because of your mother. Go to the parenting page and ask the parents “to be happy, would you want your adult children to suffer physically and mentally?” See the responses. Not a single loving parent I know would ever want their child to suffer because of the parent’s own selfishness.

 

[mercygate]

So, you’ve been willing to affect your health and sanity because of your mother. Go to the parenting page and ask the parents “to be happy, would you want your adult children to suffer physically and mentally?” See the responses. Not a single loving parent I know would ever want their child to suffer because of the parent’s own selfishness.

Mapper & her mom both need help in breaking the cycle. Mom is unlikely to participate but I’ll bet there are a million BTDT adult children who could help her out of the trap.

She’s going to wake up one day a bitter, lonely, old woman with nothing but a belly full of remorse for not having taken charge of her own life. Part of the adult-ing process is LEAVING. Mom will thrash and yell and go silent and cut her out of her will but it will ALL be worth it in the end.

 

[Mapper71]

The thing is, I feel very lonely in this whole process. I’m moving away and I have no one here to help me make moving arrangements or help me with decisions. I can call my fiance but he’s not here with me. I have a couple of friends in town but they have their own lives. My mom won’t say one word and if I do ask her for her opinion I’ll get “this is your decision you do what you want” and she’ll be very snide. I’m going to be doing the whole moving process on my own since my fiance doesn’t get vacation until May and can’t make the trip out here to help. Seems silly to have him take a week without pay and spend $200 on a plane ticket just help me move a few large items into a Uhaul and drive out with me.

Mapper & her mom both need help in breaking the cycle. Mom is unlikely to participate but I’ll bet there are a million BTDT adult children who could help her out of the trap.

She’s going to wake up one day a bitter, lonely, old woman with nothing but a belly full of remorse for not having taken charge of her own life. Part of the adult-ing process is LEAVING. Mom will thrash and yell and go silent and cut her out of her will but it will ALL be worth it in the end.