My Mom's boyfriend

  • Thread starter Thread starter iru
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
I

iru

Guest
I’m 17 years old, and I’m worried about my mom. She’s a single parent, and I live with her, mainly, and I visit my father and my stepmom on the weekend.

She came back to the Catholic church a while ago after attending protestant churches for a while (born a Catholic, like my father, but they never married when they were together) and made friends with an elderly couple, helping them out and bringing them back to their apartment. She met their adult son, who is divorced and they got along. He doesn’t go to church, but he seemed alright. They’ve known each other for a couple years.

A year ago she started bringing him over to our house. He comes at night, never in the daytime. They would usually sit outside and talk or watch tv, or he would use my mom’s computer. I just stay in my room whenever he comes over. He stays until the early morning. I didn’t do anything at first. But when his visits became more frequent, I let my mom know that I didn’t want him in the house on the weekends, because he would drink and talk loudly. She agreed, saying that since I live here as well, I have a point. He didn’t come to the house as often, and I was mostly OK with that. She is on the phone with him a lot.

Then some months ago, while looking for something in her room, I found a condom in her drawer. It made me upset, but I didn’t bring it up to her. I told her directly that I didn’t like him. She began to defend him and said that he was the first boyfriend that she’s had since my father, who she broke up with shortly after my birth, and that she feels lonely and tired by raising me alone(which I can sympathize with). He still came over, and I finally took her aside and told her that I don’t like what she’s doing with him.

She told me that even though what she may be doing is against the Bible, she’s the adult and I’m not. She argued that point very strongly. I told her that what’s right is right and what’s wrong is wrong. She told me to pray for her, and I was very hurt. It felt like she wasn’t taking me seriously, because she wouldn’t adjust her behavior and put in the effort to stop sinning.

He’s out there now.

P.S
Other than the fact that he’s enabling my mother’s sin, I couldn’t care less about him. He’s given me some gifts and money, which are nice gestures, but I don’t act friendly to him when he’s around.
 
Your points are all valid: She is sinning and should stop immediately. However, she also has a point: She is an adult and you are not. She is in charge of you and there is nothing authority-wise that you can do. Pray for her, be respectful of her and her boyfriend, and persevere in the faith. I will pray for you and your family.
 
I really wish people wouldn’t act like that. Morality doesn’t change with age; nobody is entitled to sin. And just because someone is young doesn’t mean they are wrong. Address their argument, don’t attack the person (ad hominem). Too many people are arrogant and think that someone is automatically incorrect because of their age (too young or too old to understand) or profession (one does not need to be an expert in a field to know something about it). They are blinded by their pride.

On the other hand, talking about morals with family members rarely, if ever, works. People are too close and will take things personally and/or will start going off on the person giving the advice, bringing up their past sins in order to remove the focus from themselves. You are in a very difficult situation.

I will pray for you, your mother and her boyfriend. Your mother must be very lonely and sometimes people do things they know they shouldn’t because of loneliness. I know too many young women who date guys they shouldn’t, move in together after just a week, because they don’t want to be alone. 😦
 
I think you were right to call her out. But now that you’ve told her, I would be quiet about it. The fact that she asked you to pray for her is a good sign. So pray for her!
 
I think now that you have addressed the situation with your mother then now you should drop it and I don’t mean just verbally. At this point it has the potential for bringing you down to always be disapproving of him in your own heart and mind. You need to detach emotionally from the situation and get out of judgment so that there can still be love between you and your mother and yes even you and your mothers boyfriend.
 
ATeutonicKnight said:
Your points are all valid: She is sinning and should stop immediately. However, she also has a point: She is an adult and you are not. She is in charge of you and there is nothing authority-wise that you can do. Pray for her, be respectful of her and her boyfriend, and persevere in the faith. I will pray for you and your family.
Click to expand...
There is no point in mortal sin. Respect works two ways here. This mother is setting a horrible example for the daughter and thankfully the daughter has more common sense here. Likewise there is a safety factor here for the daughter in that more children end up being raped and sexually abused by live in or quasi-live in boyfriends of women. This needs to stop. Just because someone is the “mother” does not mean that a 17 year old girl that is concerned about the mother’s soul as well as her own safety here needs to sit back in the name of “respect” and “authority”. There is no excuse whether the mom is lonely and weak, her own daughter ought to come first and some in an out boyfriend.
 
I never understand why people sin like it is a right. She made a personal choice to hurt God and turn away from him. You did the right, moral and adult thing by speaking with her. As she remains in her choice, all you can do is pray for her conversion/reversion from sin and back into God’s graces. I will keep your family in my prayers.
 
OP,

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Praying for you.

Any chance of staying with your dad for some time? Do you feel better there?
 
I would say to try to see your mothers side(I’m not excussing her behavior. I’m just saying have sympathy for her and don’t take her behavior personally against you). She is middle aged and lonely.
When you are 17 and in school you are surrounded with people your own age and your choices of a mate are wide. When you are a single middle-aged parent the field is very narrow and quite usually a person can go years without the opportunity to find a mate.

Yes, your mother is sinning. And this man sounds like a bum and will probably end up dumping your mother and or cheating on her. She needs to be wise and not fall into the same behaviors that caused her situation in the first place.

Sex before marriage causes single motherhood. A man does not respect a woman who freely gives it. Nor does he see a need to commit to that woman. Men find a woman who makes a man wait and commit worth having and he is willing to change to please her. But if he is a bum he will leave. Problem solved.

You might remind her of this, and take note of it yourself.

The good news is your 17 and can move out in less then a year.
Otherwise pray that this man is removed from your mothers life and that the lord will give her a Godly man.
 
She told me to pray for her
Click to expand...
While I am sure you already are… do this. And the fact she asked you to in the middle of all that … well maybe its an encouraging sign.

The whole thing is a mess. I’ve been there and I know the feelings you express.

In the end you cannot control what parents do.
She came back to the Catholic church a while ago after attending protestant churches for a while
Click to expand...
Its a step in the process. In time the return may be more complete.
 
robwar said:
There is no point in mortal sin. Respect works two ways here. This mother is setting a horrible example for the daughter and thankfully the daughter has more common sense here. Likewise there is a safety factor here for the daughter in that more children end up being raped and sexually abused by live in or quasi-live in boyfriends of women. This needs to stop. Just because someone is the “mother” does not mean that a 17 year old girl that is concerned about the mother’s soul as well as her own safety here needs to sit back in the name of “respect” and “authority”. There is no excuse whether the mom is lonely and weak, her own daughter ought to come first and some in an out boyfriend.
Click to expand...
Okay, so are you advocating that the poster rebel against her mother? What is she to do? That’s the thing: She can’t do anything. If she makes a big deal out of it, her mother will simply get mad at her, ground her, and tell her to be quiet. It also makes her like religion less. There is a way to go about it and there is a way not to, and this would be the way not to. I’m not saying she should just sit back and do nothing. Pray, and if the opportunity arises, talk about it respectfully.
 
Of course there is no place for mortal sin but that doesn’t give a child in a parents house cart blanche to be the authoritarian it simply doesn’t work that way. OP you were honest and up front in your assessments and in speaking to your mother about them, now you pray.
 
You are right. Your Mother is wrong. That said, what if the roles were reversed. Your Mother could say, I´m your Mother, then you would say, you don´t own me. Then she would have to pray for you. When does an opinion become a judgement? Hard discernments. I heard Bishop Sheen once say that molding character is best done, when we look for the best in others, while looking for the worst in ourselves. Outside of what you´re doing Mom, I think you´re the best Mom ever. That would sound nice to me, if my kids ever said that. God bless:thumbsup:👍👍
 
Sadly, it’s not uncommon for parents to ignore their kids when they point out problems with other adults. They don’t want to admit that their kid can see something that they don’t. However, we all have our blind spots. Your mom will be grateful (someday) that she has someone like you looking out for her.

Also, I have the same worries as robwar because abuse is common when adults aren’t related to the children in their care. It’s just a safety thing.

That said, your mom is choosing to behave this way. You aren’t responsible for her decisions.

Being a single parent is tough and lonely. It’s easy to settle for a warm body because he’s there and not that bad of a person. As you get older, your expectations for romance change a lot different than when you are 17.
 
Hi and Welcome to Catholic Answers!

I am very sorry that you are living through this.

God’s plan for our lives is always for our best. When He gave us the Commandments and teachings of the Church, it is to help us navigate a field of land mines. Please, regardless of the scandal that your mother is giving, please make the choice to follow God, for yourself. I grew up with both parents but there was no God in our house, and no going to church. My one parent was an alcoholic and there was a lot of darkness. Thankfully, with the prayers of others, I made the decision not to drink because of the ruin it brought to marriages, families, relationships. I came into the Church in my 20’s, thanks be to God! You can make that choice today, to follow your state in life, and grow in faith and love. Are you a student? Study hard. Be kind to people. Look at the example of your mother and make the decision to be chaste, and to treat young ladies as Christ would have you treat them. Do not, ever, put a young lady in a position where she could become pregnant, where she would be tempted to have an abortion, or to be a single parent. You can be a voice among your friends that God has a plan for sex, for married life, for families, that is full of love. Stay in His plan and choose to be walking in His blessing today! Sometimes we have to let our parents find their own way, that in their darkness, they might reach up for God and have their lives transformed. As you have found out, somehow we can’t find words that will pierce their hearts, but God and His light can. Pray for her, and be determined to walk in blessing! I wish that for you today. I’m so glad I did long ago and came out of sin’s darkness. Walking in God’s grace saved me a lot of grief and heartache. Make a good choice today for yourself.
 
ATeutonicKnight said:
Okay, so are you advocating that the poster rebel against her mother? What is she to do? That’s the thing: She can’t do anything. If she makes a big deal out of it, her mother will simply get mad at her, ground her, and tell her to be quiet. It also makes her like religion less. There is a way to go about it and there is a way not to, and this would be the way not to. I’m not saying she should just sit back and do nothing. Pray, and if the opportunity arises, talk about it respectfully.
Click to expand...
To answer your question there are number of things she should do. First she should contact the priest or pastoral assistant to talk about what is going on in the home and if she needs to have a safe place to be able to go to in case this guy moves on her. Hopefully, the priest will talk to the mother about her sin and the fact that this is totally dangerous to allow in the home. The stats on living in boyfriends abusing the children is shocking and high. Another shocking and true fact is that 80% of all rapes are between people that know each other, it is not some stranger jumping out of a bush. Likewise, OP should make sure that she is never alone in the home with this guy under any circumstances and if so she needs to leave and have a place to go. Telling her that she isn’t “respecting” her mother is ridiculous and even rather dangerous. The mother is not respecting her own body let alone thinking about the example, safety of her children in the home. Another red flag here is according to OP is that this mother is allowing this boyfriend use of her computer to do who knows what on it. Sound very unwise and stupid again. I don’t ever read in the Bible where immorality is ever excused because someone is lonely and needs companionship. Jesus said if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off. St Paul said to flee “youthful lusts” and that sexual sin is sinning against one’s own body. This is a bad situation, it is dangerous just based on any honest look at stats in these types of homes and the best thing Op can do for herself and her mother is be willing to leave.
 
iru said:
I’m 17 years old, and I’m worried about my mom. She’s a single parent, and I live with her, mainly, and I visit my father and my stepmom on the weekend.

She came back to the Catholic church a while ago after attending protestant churches for a while (born a Catholic, like my father, but they never married when they were together) and made friends with an elderly couple, helping them out and bringing them back to their apartment. She met their adult son, who is divorced and they got along. He doesn’t go to church, but he seemed alright. They’ve known each other for a couple years.

A year ago she started bringing him over to our house. He comes at night, never in the daytime. They would usually sit outside and talk or watch tv, or he would use my mom’s computer. I just stay in my room whenever he comes over. He stays until the early morning. I didn’t do anything at first. But when his visits became more frequent, I let my mom know that** I didn’t want him in the house on the weekends, because he would drink and talk loudly**. She agreed, saying that since I live here as well, I have a point. He didn’t come to the house as often, and I was mostly OK with that. She is on the phone with him a lot.

Then some months ago, while looking for something in her room, I found a condom in her drawer. It made me upset, but I didn’t bring it up to her. I told her directly that I didn’t like him. She began to defend him and said that he was the first boyfriend that she’s had since my father, who she broke up with shortly after my birth, and that she feels lonely and tired by raising me alone(which I can sympathize with). He still came over, and I finally took her aside and told her that I don’t like what she’s doing with him.

She told me that even though what she may be doing is against the Bible, she’s the adult and I’m not. She argued that point very strongly. I told her that what’s right is right and what’s wrong is wrong. She told me to pray for her, and I was very hurt. It felt like she wasn’t taking me seriously, because she wouldn’t adjust her behavior and put in the effort to stop sinning.

He’s out there now.

P.S
Other than the fact that he’s enabling my mother’s sin, I couldn’t care less about him. He’s given me some gifts and money, which are nice gestures, but I don’t act friendly to him when he’s around.
Click to expand...
I see this a bit differently than everyone else. I see this as a teenager with a chip on her shoulder that is going about this the wrong way. She doesn’t take you seriously because you’re acting like a child. You don’t like that your mom spends the night with him so you rebuff all of his efforts to get along with you and you won’t even be friendly? You need to grow up. That isn’t how you get someone to modify their behavior, that’s how you act like a bratty teenager who isn’t getting their way and wants to make a fuss about it. That tactic doesn’t work with anyone of any age, but it especially won’t work with your parent.

You have not indicated that he threatens you or makes you feel unsafe, so essentially this is just about your mother’s personal life. You also say that you are with your dad on the weekends but that you tried to make the demand that he not come over to see your mom on weekends. That doesn’t make any sense, that seems like the perfect time for him to come over. Anyway though their visits became less frequent. If I were you I would try to talk to your mom about a compromise so that you are both happy and comfortable in your home. You aren’t going to get her to stop having sex, and frankly, it’s none of your business anyway. But maybe you guys can agree on days or hours that he’ll be over, or agree that a certain night a week is your night for mother-daughter time.

You will not get anywhere being rude and you certainly won’t get your way by telling your mother how to conduct her personal life.
 
robwar said:
There is no point in mortal sin. Respect works two ways here. This mother is setting a horrible example for the daughter and thankfully the daughter has more common sense here. Likewise there is a safety factor here for the daughter in that more children end up being raped and sexually abused by live in or quasi-live in boyfriends of women. This needs to stop. Just because someone is the “mother” does not mean that a 17 year old girl that is concerned about the mother’s soul as well as her own safety here needs to sit back in the name of “respect” and “authority”. There is no excuse whether the mom is lonely and weak, her own daughter ought to come first and some in an out boyfriend.
Click to expand...
👍

I agree.

Adult or not, before ALL, dear Iru, you are a beautiful daughter of God who actually cares for Him and His Church, and therefore you have the right to keep her and help her from sinning. Give her the example, invite her to Church, ask her to pray the rosary with you, accept to be an instrument of God to help your mom back to loving and respecting God. Do all this in a respectable way.

Iru, don’t give up. Let God work through you and bring your mom back to fighting to do good and be holy. Remember to see sin as Christ does, see with the eyes of your soul, act with reason and truth and not by emotions or feelings, be strong!
BlueEyedLady said:
I see this a bit differently than everyone else. I see this as a teenager with a chip on her shoulder that is going about this the wrong way. She doesn’t take you seriously because you’re acting like a child. You don’t like that your mom spends the night with him so you rebuff all of his efforts to get along with you and you won’t even be friendly? You need to grow up. That isn’t how you get someone to modify their behavior, that’s how you act like a bratty teenager who isn’t getting their way and wants to make a fuss about it. That tactic doesn’t work with anyone of any age, but it especially won’t work with your parent.

You aren’t going to get her to stop having sex, and frankly, it’s none of your business anyway. But maybe you guys can agree on days or hours that he’ll be over, or agree that a certain night a week is your night for mother-daughter time.

You will not get anywhere being rude and you certainly won’t get your way by telling your mother how to conduct her personal life.
Click to expand...
It is OP’s business, because she is witnessing that another child of God is having sex with a man she is not married to, and as a daughter of God , she can not let this pass. She is not a brat, I believe a person’s maturity is measured by how mature they are spiritually. She doesn’t want to live like she doesn’t care, saying an empty prayer. She refuses to sit around and wait. There must not be human respect before God.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I see this a bit differently than everyone else. I see this as a teenager with a chip on her shoulder that is going about this the wrong way. She doesn’t take you seriously because you’re acting like a child. You don’t like that your mom spends the night with him so you rebuff all of his efforts to get along with you and you won’t even be friendly? You need to grow up. That isn’t how you get someone to modify their behavior, that’s how you act like a bratty teenager who isn’t getting their way and wants to make a fuss about it. That tactic doesn’t work with anyone of any age, but it especially won’t work with your parent.

You have not indicated that he threatens you or makes you feel unsafe, so essentially this is just about your mother’s personal life. You also say that you are with your dad on the weekends but that you tried to make the demand that he not come over to see your mom on weekends. That doesn’t make any sense, that seems like the perfect time for him to come over. Anyway though their visits became less frequent. If I were you I would try to talk to your mom about a compromise so that you are both happy and comfortable in your home. You aren’t going to get her to stop having sex, and frankly, it’s none of your business anyway. But maybe you guys can agree on days or hours that he’ll be over, or agree that a certain night a week is your night for mother-daughter time.

You will not get anywhere being rude and you certainly won’t get your way by telling your mother how to conduct her personal life.
Click to expand...
Sorry to disagree with you but it is the daughter’s business because the mom is bringing this guy in the home and she lives there. If one looks at the fact that 80% of rapes start out with a friendly relationship between the victim and perpetrator then OP has every right to resist this guys gifts and attention and that probably is the start to trying to win her trust for more devious plans later on. If you have spent any time reading the testimonies of victims of assault, especially children, the perpetrator usually wins them over with gifts and being nice and friendly and this mother should be seeing that and have more concern about her daughter and her example than the sex and attention this guy is giving her.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top