My Mom's boyfriend

[thewanderer]

mymamamary, I’m not at all trying to belittle your horrifying experience, nor do I think the OP should take unnecessary risks, but I still think that without looking at the stats of the number of parent’s partners who become abusers it is not right to make sweeping statements that kids should completely avoid contact with their parents partners. Depending on the stats I’m more than willing to agree that the OP should avoid all contact, but I’m not going to agree to something like without evidence that it is actually warranted. Like I said, men account for practically all sexual assaults on women, and the majority of those occur by people who are known to the victim. Does that mean that I should now decide to avoid all the men that I know? No, it doesn’t, because the chance of any given guy I know being a sexual predator is not high enough to warrant such drastic action. So until we know what the actual chances are of this person being a predator it is unwarranted to claim that the OP should shun him and completely avoid all contact with him.

 

[dedo]

I also agree with Rob.

The whole point is it is essential for the OP to maintain safe boundaries with the boyfriend, including never being alone in the home with him.

Once someone proves themselves to be a predator, then it is often too late. The OP owes this guy nothing.

People who suggest the OP should be “nice” to this guy are giving dangerous advice.

She should keep firm boundaries in place, and be vigilant about people who try to close the distance or who act creepy.

Interestingly, my wife just returned from a cruise and actually shared a meal with lady who had gone on a date with Ted Bundy, before he was caught. Bundy drove her to an isolated “lake area”, and got out of the car (leaving the keys in the wheel well). She stayed close to the car, and then Bundy did some bizarre, but non-threatening behavior by the lake. She turned, ran, took his car, and drove home. That is the right reaction. Stay far from potential predators, and acting strange, “unusual”, or trying to “close the distance” is enough of a reason to run. You don’t owe people anything. Respect is earned.

I also think all women should have some self defense training and carry a non-lethal equalizer with them at all times (mace / taser).

 

[thewanderer]

I also agree with Rob.

The whole point is it is essential for the OP to maintain safe boundaries with the boyfriend, including never being alone in the home with him.

Once someone proves themselves to be a predator, then it is often too late. The OP owes this guy nothing.

People who suggest the OP should be “nice” to this guy are giving dangerous advice.

She should keep firm boundaries in place, and be vigilant about people who try to close the distance or who act creepy.

Interestingly, my wife just returned from a cruise and actually shared a meal with lady who had gone on a date with Ted Bundy, before he was caught. Bundy drove her to an isolated “lake area”, and got out of the car (leaving the keys in the wheel well). She stayed close to the car, and then Bundy did some bizarre, but non-threatening behavior by the lake. She turned, ran, took his car, and drove home. That is the right reaction. Stay far from potential predators, and acting strange, “unusual”, or trying to “close the distance” is enough of a reason to run. You don’t owe people anything. Respect is earned.

I also think all women should have some self defense training and carry a non-lethal equalizer with them at all times (mace / taser).

Theres a difference between being careful and being rude. I agree that if the daughter doesn’t trust him she should avoid being at home when it is just the two of them. And she doesn’t have to go become his best friend either, but its possible to still keep up appropriate boundaries without being rude. Now, obviously, we’ve all read the OP differently and come to different conclusions about her behaviour, maybe she is being rude and maybe not, maybe she is being childish and maybe not, but there is nothing wrong with telling her to avoid being rude and childish. Yes, tell her to be prudent, but also to be polite and respectful. Those two things are not contradictory, nor do they require her completely shunning this man.

 

[marymary1975]

I am.not.suggesting for.her to avoid the guy completely, besides that would be practically imposible, what I strongly disagree is over the advice of: you have to accept him, be friendly with him, get to know him better. Dedo is totally right, that is awful advice! She is saying she doesn’t feel comfortable with him, she doesn’t like him. No, she doesn’t have to be friendly with him and she doesn’t have to get to know him better. She says hello to him and she is not being rude. if your teenage calls in the middle of the night telling you she is at someone else’s house and she doesn’t like and she is not comfortable there, to please go and get her, would you tell her “no, you need to stay there, unless you have proof that something wrong is going on, you can’t leave” or would you force your child to stay at a stranger’s home after your child repeatedly says she doesn’t want to be there? If you wouldn’t yet would you suggest her to do it with the guy? As long as she says hello and good bye, and is not directly rude with him, and just keeps the minimal.contact, is Ok and she doesn’t have to be forced to go any further.

The underneath paragraph has several red flags:

A year ago she started bringing him over to our house. He comes at night, never in the daytime. They would usually sit outside and talk or watch tv, or he would use my mom’s computer. I just stay in my room whenever he comes over. He stays until the early morning. I didn’t do anything at first. But when his visits became more frequent, I let my mom know that I didn’t want him in the house on the weekends, because he would drink and talk loudly. She agreed, saying that since I live here as well, I have a point. He didn’t come to the house as often. She is on the phone with him a lot.

I told her directly that I didn’t like him. She began to defend him and said that he was the first boyfriend that she’s had since my father, who she broke up with shortly after my birth, and that she feels lonely and tired by raising me alone(which I can sympathize with). He still came over, and I finally took her aside and told her that I don’t like what she’s doing given me some gifts and money, which are nice gestures, but I don’t act friendly to him when he’s around.

The guy drinks and is loud, which seems to indicate he drinks quite heavily. He is sleeping with the mother (while bot being married) when the daughter is present at home. He "never"comes during the daytime…huge red flag, and they sit outside while she is at home, the fact that he “only goes at night” and the behavior when he is there clearly shows he is not with the mother with the intention to form a family, he is there for sex and drinking and entertainment. She is on the phone with him a lot, I am sorry but that is what is teenager behavior. Then he gives her “money and gifts”… he is trying to buy her. If he knows she doesn’t like him why doesn’t he sit down to talk with her, why instead he just gives her money. Clearly he is trying to buy her. And then the mother’s reaction “I am the adult” and I raised you alone and obviously she is trying to make the daughter feel bad or guilty over the fact that she was a single mother. I can’t understand how so many are not seeing anything wrong in this situation when it is screaming problems. As I said, he may not be a sexual predator but there are other dangers in here with him that have nothing to do with sex. The fact that the dangers are not of a sexual predator doesn’t make them less dangerous and again you have your child’s well being at stake and the child goes first. Calling her childish, a brat, that she needs to grow up, that is not her life, that her mother is the adult, is plain Wrong because she IS going to grow, in fact she is very close to 18, and there is a big potential in this situation that the roles can get reversed.

 

[dedo]

I agree with Mary that this guy has sent up more than one red flag.

Trying to buy friendship is not the same as earning respect.

The OP has shown this guy more respect than he deserves.

I just wanted to clarify one thing in that I think part of the problem is that people are extending the Christian way of looking after the poor and people who are hurting – to some sort of obligation to be “nice” to everyone, including creeps.

That is a serious mistake. You are under no obligation to be nice to everyone especially when it means potentially encouraging a creep, or letting down your guard.

Sorry if I over posted on this thread.

 

[Allegra]

I see this a bit differently than everyone else. I see this as a teenager with a chip on her shoulder that is going about this the wrong way. She doesn’t take you seriously because you’re acting like a child. You don’t like that your mom spends the night with him so you rebuff all of his efforts to get along with you and you won’t even be friendly? You need to grow up. That isn’t how you get someone to modify their behavior, that’s how you act like a bratty teenager who isn’t getting their way and wants to make a fuss about it. That tactic doesn’t work with anyone of any age, but it especially won’t work with your parent.

You have not indicated that he threatens you or makes you feel unsafe, so essentially this is just about your mother’s personal life. You also say that you are with your dad on the weekends but that you tried to make the demand that he not come over to see your mom on weekends. That doesn’t make any sense, that seems like the perfect time for him to come over. Anyway though their visits became less frequent. If I were you I would try to talk to your mom about a compromise so that you are both happy and comfortable in your home. You aren’t going to get her to stop having sex, and frankly, it’s none of your business anyway. But maybe you guys can agree on days or hours that he’ll be over, or agree that a certain night a week is your night for mother-daughter time.

You will not get anywhere being rude and you certainly won’t get your way by telling your mother how to conduct her personal life.

A child is not required to like their parents’ live-ins, even if they aren’t deliberately abusive or mean. This is not a healthy situation for the OP or her mother and she has a right to be annoyed that some guy that isn’t her father is spending the night in her home. She’s not being a brat. However, it is true that she can’t do much about it, other than express her disapproval. If one of my parents’ sexual partners tried to give me gifts and money in order to “make friends” with me when I was 17, I’d have laughed in their face! What am I supposed to be, the pimp? Sad and lame.

 

[Allegra]

Thanks, everyone for your (name removed by moderator)ut so far.
Just some clarifications:

Whether it’s my business or authority or not, she is still my mom, she’s family. I love her to death and find it difficult to be respectful to the one is causing her to sin.

I say hi when he’s there, but I didn’t consider spending time with him. They might think that I’m okay with this situation.

Yes, she has talked about marriage. If she does get married, I don’t want it to affect my relationship with her. As for him, he knows that she’s Catholic and goes to church. I question his level of respect for her if he doesn’t respect the rules of her religion. I’d want to get to know him if they do get married. That said, my mom is a really kind person who will do a lot for someone for little in return. I don’t know if he will stop taking advantage of her, even if he technically wouldn’t, since they’d be married, I’m not sure if the dynamic would change.

While I’m sure you love your mom, you have to accept that she is willingly choosing to commit sin and the guy is only responsible for his own part, not hers. He is not “causing” her to sin. Nothing you’ve written suggests that he’s taking advantage of her and more than she is taking advantage of him.

 

[Allegra]

You’re 17 and this is the first boyfriend/man your mother has had in all that time? The first companionship she has sought? Is she that hideous or awful that she couldn’t have had suitors— or has she made the sacrifice/gift of loneliness to you for 17 years? To ensure you had a safe environment without the risk of introducing men into the home?

I don’t know you or her. You did an admirable thing in standing up for the faith and what is right and wrong. Do you have specifics about this guy you don’t like that you avoided being around him, just staying in your room? Or were you jealous of having someone competing for time with your mother? You need to honestly ask yourself these kinds of questions.

What are your long term goals for your relationship with your mother? What do you want it to be in 3 years, 5, 20? You are getting close to the age where you’ll be moving out on your own. Has your mother failed in her duty/responsibilities of raising you? Does she have the right to live her life and think of what she would like to have in her life in the future? Since she’s made the sacrifice of loneliness for you, is it understandable that she would be open to companionship in her future? How is your approach to your mother and her boyfriend going to support your long-term goals?

Say she falls madly in love with this man, what is best for her soul? If they get married, will you continue to shun him? If you are persistently against this man, will it perpetuate the current situation vice the consideration of matrimony? That is, either she or he will use your opposition as an excuse not to consider matrimony?

We are all human and have our frailties and vulnerabilities. Again, you have done the right thing by pointing out she is sinning, as we all are. You do have a right to feel comfortable in your home. However, try to be charitable as well, pray for your mother and that the situation is resolved in accordance with God’s desires for everyone.

This is typical “rainbow club” propeganda. They tell this trash to little kids in order to guilt trip them whenever they are bothered by their parents’ loose sexual lives. (Because perpetually sleeping on some strange guy’s couch while your mom sleeps in his bed is perfectly normal and healthy and any kid who has a problem with it is just a selfish brat who doesn’t want his mom to be happy.)
I can guarentee that the OP is not going to damage her realtionship with her mother by shunning her boyfriend. In ten years, the OP will still be her daughter and the mother will have to strain to remember the boyfriend’s name.

 

[Allegra]

PS- How come we’re argueing over whether the guy is a rapist or not anyway? When did our standards get so low that a boyfriend has to be a rapist before it’s considered unwise for a mother to bring him home to sleep with in front of her impressionable, teenage daughter?

 

[marymary1975]

PS- How come we’re argueing over whether the guy is a rapist or not anyway? When did our standards get so low that a boyfriend has to be a rapist before it’s considered unwise for a mother to bring him home to sleep with in front of her impressionable, teenage daughter?

Thank you so much for posting this! Nothing.but the truth.

 

[styrgwillidar]

This is typical “rainbow club” propeganda. They tell this trash to little kids in order to guilt trip them whenever they are bothered by their parents’ loose sexual lives. (Because perpetually sleeping on some strange guy’s couch while your mom sleeps in his bed is perfectly normal and healthy and any kid who has a problem with it is just a selfish brat who doesn’t want his mom to be happy.)
I can guarentee that the OP is not going to damage her realtionship with her mother by shunning her boyfriend. In ten years, the OP will still be her daughter and the mother will have to strain to remember the boyfriend’s name.

Wow. Sorry, what I have told the OP is that she did an admirable thing, she needs to act now in her own interests.

You can guarantee how another human being that you don’t even know will react? Truly? You actually believe that?

That includes the reality of where she will be in 5 or 10 years down the road. Because what she does now will affect the relationship not just today, but for the rest of her life. She can certainly be loud, aggressive, threatening towards her mother. That could result in a parting of the ways. Many women get very stupid when it comes to men and place them higher than their children.

Oddly, some women have gone to the extreme of killing their own children to be with a man. Drowning them in cars etc. You may have read of such things in the news. You really think that it is impossible that a woman would insist that her grown daughter (if she’s 17, than at most that’s a year away) move out if she’s got a problem with mom’s conduct?

It’s not my call, nor yours, on how or on what the OP should risk her relationship with her mother. We can not influence those we’re cut off from, however, another thing to think about.

My ex (both legally and sacramentally) chose to move out, she chose to make her new home a place her kids do not feel welcome, she chose to move a man into a home she told them was theirs, without even telling them first, within just 3 weeks after moving out, after changing custody from 50% to every other weekend. Then subsequently refusing to arrange her home so she could have them in her home on her weeknds, she hasn’t changed that situation even though it drove her daughter into a clinical depression, even though her only contact with our children is in my/their home. She chose to stop visiting them in my/their home (even though I was absenting myself) every other weekend basis, now just a few times during the week.

A mother’s love? Don’t make guarantees about folks you don’t know.

To the OP, again, I believe you have a right to feel comfortable in your home. But this is your life, and you know the people involved whereas I don’t. Again, act calmly considering your own self interest. My daughter was tempted to say horrible things to her mother, awful, awful things out of anger. She chose, to hold her tongue and have a civil relationship. I wouldn’t say there is respect there, but politeness and a hope that her Mom will eventually see the error of her ways.

Your life, your call.

 

[Allegra]

A mother’s love? Don’t make guarantees about folks you don’t know.
.

If the OP’s mother is the type of person who would do that, she would already know that by 17. Based on the OP’s post, it sounds like the mother has not demonstrated any behavior in the past two decades that would indicate that she would cut her daughter out of her life for sex. Even if the mother was that type of person, she would do the same no matter what the OP did. Sucking up to the guy would only serve to buy a little time for the OP to prepare herself to be independant. The damage would be done to their relationship either way.

 

[styrgwillidar]

If the OP’s mother is the type of person who would do that, she would already know that by 17. Based on the OP’s post, it sounds like the mother has not demonstrated any behavior in the past two decades that would indicate that she would cut her daughter out of her life for sex. Even if the mother was that type of person, she would do the same no matter what the OP did. Sucking up to the guy would only serve to buy a little time for the OP to prepare herself to be independant. The damage would be done to their relationship either way.

Yeah, and my ex after 21 years of marriage and the oldest hitting 18 (the other two were/still are minors) had never exhibited any indication she would do anything like she ended up doing. Pretty much tossing the kids aside in a manner that she really didn’t have to-- if she still desired to have a home with her kids. She’d been room mother multiple times/PTA pres and VP/ girl scout leader/ choir booster president/ CCD teacher- always willing to volunteer to support her kids when other parents wouldn’t. All her friends and family are very shocked, just so out of character for her.

ETA: The kids were completely taken by surprise, in fact one prefers to think of their mother as dead, and this is some new person they have to deal with.

Again, I don’t know the OP’s mom and won’t presume to predict her actions. The OP is in a far better position to assess that.

I am not suggesting sucking up to the guy. I am saying to think through actions, likely consequences, how they match up to goals and objectives. Then act rationally vice emotionally.

So, yeah, I am probably projecting too much of my own experience. Which is why I phrased my initial post the way I did-- consider your mother’s overall character, what she has done, than consider one’s own motives and desires- which obviously include hoping her mother will live the faith. What best supports that?

 

[robwar]

PS- How come we’re argueing over whether the guy is a rapist or not anyway? When did our standards get so low that a boyfriend has to be a rapist before it’s considered unwise for a mother to bring him home to sleep with in front of her impressionable, teenage daughter?

THANK-YOU! you have made my point exactly!

 

[robwar]

Thank you so much for posting this! Nothing.but the truth.

Mary,
I am truely sorry about your past and I do hope that God has brought healing in your life.
Your case proves my point about this whole mess. No matter how lonely this mom is, her priorty is to her daughter first, not the boyfriend and forcing her daughter to be “friends” with someone she is committing mortal sin with much the less. Whether he would actually try anything with this OP or not, the mom is wrong and this is unwise and foolish.
This has nothing to do with whether as some of the posters feel, OP is being disrespectful by hiding in the room. That tells you that something is amiss here. Again I strongly suggest to OP to contact her dad and/or the Church, tell them what is going on and have as a backup plan to leave if she is ever alone in the home with this guy. She needs a place to go that is safe and it is totally unsafe and unwise that a 17 year old girl would be ever left alone in the home with some unrelated male that is older than her and sleeping with the mom.