My mother in law is visiting and I am really struggling

[NovusFidem]

I’ve been reading your messages, and I’d like to point some things out. :compcoff:

The first is that most suggestions rely on avoidance. I have to agree: you need to find some time to cool off, but avoiding the problem will never solve it. While your MIL will be leaving sometime soon, she WILL be back and the problem will remain the same, if not worse. You are all falling in a routine of stress: “MIL is coming, assume crash positions!” and, really, what does that teach your children? That some people are inherently troublesome? One of them already dislikes his Nana…

The second is that it seems your relationship with your MIL is in need of a charity upgrade. Now, be attentive: I am NOT defending her. I just want you to think about what being Christian is about.

People can be evil, annoying, unpleasant. But what did Jesus tell us to do with them?

“You have heard that it was said, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” (Matthew 5:43-44)

So, maybe your MIL will remain annoying. That’s fine. Whenever we are faced with a problem, the only variable we can control is ourselves. So, you won’t be changing HER attitudes, but you will learn to love her all the same.

The core of the problem: your relationship with your MIL is conflicted. This is what we have to change, and NOT avoid.

How do we do that? We learn to love our enemies. She’ll keep trying to antagonize you, you know? Like bullies at school? Yeah. So, you can’t let her reach you like that. Whenever you feel she is trying to be mean to you, you have to be extra kind to her. Confuse her with love, works all the time. :console:

From what you have said,** your MIL looks to be in need of some real love in her life**: “MIL is always on some kind of crisis or drama”, “divorced”, “lives alone”, “few friends”. No wonder she wants to be present so often: she misses love, so she seeks it where it is - with her family. :grouphug:

You said that you don’t like that they are making plans without you. I am not trying to offend you, just pointing what I am seeing, but you are not exactly making yourself present in her life. You avoid her, your husband seems to be aware that you dislike her, so it must have made sense (as terrible sense as it was, since you are his wife) in his head not to include you. She also doesn’t have reason to call you, as your relationship is obviously troubled. I mean, people think others don’t notice when they are not liked, think they can hide their dislike very well, but that is a terrible assumption… people know, deep inside, when someone doesn’t like them. Why would she call you? You are not the best of friends.

Lastly, you are not a bad Christian for feeling this way. We were given a body full of these programmings, and stress is the way the body finds to deal with hardships. Stress is good in moderation, but our society has a way of making stress become a part of life; as a nurse, I cringed when I read that 1990Domer used to take sleep meds to sleep - not because she is to blame, but just at the ease most people have at saying they need medication to lead a normal life. We can’t let it stay like that, for our own health.

I have a few suggestion, in the next post (not enough space here). Again, I am not saying you are to blame for all this, but you are truly misguided if you expect her to have a change of heart or, worse, if you want to keep your distance until she dies. I’d bet on you regretting both choices. :twocents:

Best you can do is change how you feel about her, just so her presence won’t bother you as much.

 

[NovusFidem]

Now, what can we do?

Are you the sole responsible for this terrible relationship? No. Is your MIL the sole responsible for this terrible relationship? No.

You both need to work at it, but** I can’t make suggestions for your MIL**. So I hope you won’t think I am blaming you by saying that YOU need to change. If I could, I’d say the same to your MIL (but I can’t )

First thing I suggest is that you start daydreaming of being friends with your MIL. You need to debunk this image you have of her as being someone “like this and that” - drama queen, meanie grandma, insufferable MIL, etc. Viewing someone as an antagonist won’t help you in loving her. This image you have of her as someone to be feared is keeping you from meeting the real HER that you can honestly like. Your husband likes her well enough, and God certainly loves her, so there MUST be something to like there. Find it.

In the book “The Screwtape Letters” by C.S.Lewis, the Devil explains to his nephew how to make sure his Patient (the soul he is trying to condemn) won’t grow in faith. The third chapter is about the Patient’s relationship with his mother, a relationship full of domestic conflict like yours. The book is of fiction, but the insight is worth the reading.

The Devil’s suggestions revolve around making sure the conflict is always present, by settling an habit of mutual annoyance and by making the Patient see his own mother as someone who’s out for his blood. By making the Patient think every evil thing she does is on purpose, the Patient will resent his own mother (when, in fact, she’s only doing things she thinks are right, that bother her son without her knowing for lack of communication)

Now, take a look at how you view the situation:

His mom just** has no boundaries** and if she wants something she will do everything in her power to get it - including** finding a way to get into our new home for an extended visit before I have even unpacked**.
…]
Both his sister and mom are divorced and seem to expect my husband to rescue them.
…]
I am always the bad guy (to them) but I just do not care anymore. I cannot say anything to his mom as she would love all the drama and **would start yelling **and **screaming **and phoning all of her many sisters to explain how terrible I am.

This is the image you have of your MIL. This is what you have come to expect of her and is keeping you from meeting her on equal grounds. This is the Strawman you created of your MIL, that makes it impossible for you to love the real her. :slapfight: Sure, the real her probably has her problems, but that’s the thing: you won’t focus on her bad qualities, but on her good ones.

My first post I said that I am an introvert. I have a really easy time reading people, but a really hard time** understanding social clues**. Maybe your MIL is like that; simply understand her difficulty and work around it. Do not feel offended, think the best of her: “she probably doesn’t know better”. Examples:

• She does whatever she wants because that’s how she acted in her household, and not out of disrespect for your space. She probably doesn’t even see your personal space/
• She came to visit because we moved far and she wants to be close. She came soon to give moral support (even though I don’t feel supported at all, I am sure my husband appreciates her presence here);
• She feels lonely because of her divorce, so she feels the need to keep her loved ones close. That seems like a tight leash to me, but since my DH feels appreciated it must be a good thing;
• I feel like she doesn’t like me much, as she never contacts me. Perhaps it is time to get to know her better, and change whatever bad view she has of me. “If the mountain will not come to Mahomet, Mahomet must go to the mountain” - If things do not change the way you want them to, you must adjust to the way they are.

Always assume the best of others. That way, you’ll learn how to be patient with other’s shortcomings. :heaven:

So, this is the first step. Usually the only one.

Whenever you feel ready and rested, make a deal with yourself that you will learn to love her, TRULY love her. I’m not telling you to smile and be always at hand - it is not supposed to be servitude! I mean that you need to get to meet her, the REAL her. Talk to her, start conversations on neutral grounds (soap opera, sports, weather, how is her work/friends doing).** Ask her how she has been**, and be honest at it: you WANT to know her. You have friends, so you must know how to make friends; so make friends with her! :hug3:

If you manage some sort of common ground, next visit will be more pleasant. Whenever you get to become her friend, next time you’ll have help in the house, instead of an unwanted guest.

And I’m pretty sure all of you would profit from this friendship: you’ll have more harmony with all the members of the family, you’ll have a new friend and help by your side, your DH will enjoy his most loved women getting along… And, since no one’s going to cry anymore, maybe your son will also enjoy his Nana more

 

[Xantippe]

I love your suggestions Xantippe. I find reading what you say to be a lot of fun. When you mean it that way.

Peace.

-Trident

Awww!

Very sweet!

I do try to provide a little fun–hopefully within the bounds of good taste.

 

[Allegra]

Why do I feel so overwhelmed emotionally?

Because, the entire situation you described is completely insane! Why in the world would your husband do this to you? Even if your MIL was a saint to get along with, who unilaterally invites a house guest for six weeks without discussing it with their spouse. I think you will feel a lot better if your husband gets his crazy mother up out of your house and you have an agreement that she is not coming back to stay overnight. There is nothing wrong or unchristian about that. I’m sure they have a dentist wherever it is that she normally lives.

 

[Xantippe]

Because, the entire situation you described is completely insane! Why in the world would your husband do this to you? Even if your MIL was a saint to get along with, who unilaterally invites a house guest for six weeks without discussing it with their spouse. I think you will feel a lot better if your husband gets his crazy mother up out of your house and you have an agreement that she is not coming back to stay overnight. There is nothing wrong or unchristian about that. I’m sure they have a dentist wherever it is that she normally lives.

Right.

A phrase everybody needs to learn is, “Spouse and I need to talk about that” or “That’s an interesting idea. I’ll get back to you in a couple of days with a decision.”

 

[UbiCaritas]

Because, the entire situation you described is completely insane! Why in the world would your husband do this to you? Even if your MIL was a saint to get along with, who unilaterally invites a house guest for six weeks without discussing it with their spouse. I think you will feel a lot better if your husband gets his crazy mother up out of your house and you have an agreement that she is not coming back to stay overnight. There is nothing wrong or unchristian about that. I’m sure they have a dentist wherever it is that she normally lives.

Yes. Exactly.

Put it this way. I get along very well with my MIL. I genuinely enjoy having her at our house. Same thing for my FIL and my (many) siblings-in-law. However, I would still be at fairly annoyed if they made plans to come here (note: they live across the country) without checking to see if it would be okay with me. It’s rude, disrespectful, and inconsiderate for someone to do so…and for weeks at a time!!!

(Do note: DH’s family would never do this, which is one of the many reasons we all “click” so well with one another.)

 

[mommy_k]

Because, the entire situation you described is completely insane! Why in the world would your husband do this to you? Even if your MIL was a saint to get along with, who unilaterally invites a house guest for six weeks without discussing it with their spouse. I think you will feel a lot better if your husband gets his crazy mother up out of your house and you have an agreement that she is not coming back to stay overnight. There is nothing wrong or unchristian about that. I’m sure they have a dentist wherever it is that she normally lives.

Yes-I agree.

Also your health is being affected. Tell hubby next time for MIL to go to her sisters-if they live close-bring her there now-or another relatives. Hubby can say you are not feeling well (you aren’t).

Also tell hubby never to invite her without asking you first-ever again. Your husband seems passive in his relationship with her, and she will continue to take advantage. He needs to learn how to say no–in a kind firm way.

Don’t let her drama control you or your husband. She is using this to get her way.

 

[m_crane]

Your household is a private community. There are norms and rules that an outsider can not understand and can not participate in. Many are private. Your MIL disrupted your routine of conversation at your own front door. Maybe you don’t realize it but that communication at your front door might be an important part of you families bonding practices. The quiet time in the dining room with your husband after work was disrupted as well. You can’t be forced to run to the bedroom like a teenager every time you need some space .

How can you grow as a family or husband and wife if someone is coming in a setting new rules that do not accommodate you family unity?

MIL needs a life (find something to do in the mornings by herself like senior centers), some earplugs, and to go to her room in the evenings. You wouldn’t let you kids disrupt your time with your husband or house chores, you would tell them to go find something to do. Same for MIL.

 

[1990Domer]

Respectfully submitted, I have to disagree! If MIL is unresponsive and unrespectful, even Christ advised his disciples to not waste time if the message is not received.

This is DH territory…no exceptions.

 

[NovusFidem]

How do you know she is unresponsive? From what she has said, she has never tried to engage MIL in friendly activity.

I used to have a terrible relationship with one of my uncles and his girlfriend. We treated each-other with politeness, but we all knew no one liked his attitude and his girlfriend. But when I converted, that was one of the first things I tried to fix - and it worked. Now I can honestly say I like them both.

This is no mere stranger: this is family. At the very least she deserves a second chance.

 

[Xantippe]

How do you know she is unresponsive? From what she has said, she has never tried to engage MIL in friendly activity.

I used to have a terrible relationship with one of my uncles and his girlfriend. We treated each-other with politeness, but we all knew no one liked his attitude and his girlfriend. But when I converted, that was one of the first things I tried to fix - and it worked. Now I can honestly say I like them both.

This is no mere stranger: this is family. At the very least she deserves a second chance.

…outside of the OP’s home.

 

[1990Domer]

Yes, she deserves a chance, after a stiff talking to by the son and strong boundaries being set and obeyed. She is crossing boundaries and is causing grief to the wife by not adhering to the family time (sans MIL) she needs with her husband.

The duty is on him. If he doesn’t have the will to do it, she should not stay there. Often, with very difficult and toxic people, trying to save them by being sugar and honey is a frustrated, wasted effort.

If she is writing here in desperation and trying to go to bed early to hide from her, do you a large change is going to take place? Doubtful without DH intervening and strict, strict boundaries!

 

[1990Domer]

…outside of the OP’s home.

As a minimum…

 

[1990Domer]

After googling “dysfunctional families” out of sheer desperation I am starting to see things I never realized for the first time. One is that my husband is the Golden Child and can do no wrong, also his sister is always very compliant and tries to please all the time constantly in a way I find weird and unhealthy. She definitely puts other people’s emotional health before her own.

The other thing I have realized is my husband has hardly any friends, particularly male friends and has always told my kids that his family ie his mom and sis are enough. He has had a couple of really great guys befriend him over the 20 odd years of our marriage but they have been extroverts and he never seems to care about friendship or try to build it which it what his mom is like - she has virtually no friends and is uber dependent on her grown children emotionally (or tries to make them responsible for her in any way she can). I have always had lots of friends and I need friends and look to make them everywhere I go. Just recently I have started to wonder why my husband doesn’t desire friends. He is very personable and very successful in his career yet at the same time I think he can have low self-esteem at times. It seems to stem from his family.

It sounds like she puts her emotional health over others…

 

[NovusFidem]

gotquestions.org/mother-in-law-dealing.html

"What can we do about reacting to a woman who acts in the way a meddling mother-in-law does? We can make a choice not to allow her to take away our peace of mind. We may not be able to change the way others behave, but how we respond to their behavior is our choice. We can allow the actions of other people to get to us, or we can choose to give it over to God and allow Him to use this to strengthen us spiritually. It is our own response to this type of situation that fuels our frustration. Only we can stop wearing ourselves out emotionally by allowing an interfering mother-in-law’s actions to be the arbiter of our own peace. Her behavior is not our responsibility; our response is.

Parents and in-laws should be treated with respect and love, but we must not allow our emotions to entangle us. The best way to disengage an enemy is to make him an ally. This is done through God’s grace. Christians can always give the grace of forgiveness (Ephesians 4:32).** It may not stop a mother-in-law from interfering, but it will be a source of strength and peace to stand in (Ephesians 6:11-17)**. The only place to find true peace of heart is in a personal relationship with God through Christ. Only then can we respond by resting in His peace."

I don’t understand why loving her isn’t an option. What I learned from Catholicism is that we have to do our part: “People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.” (Mother Theresa)

If people are mean, its their problem; we have to do our parts, despite the world’s reaction to us. I agree that MIL will have to accept the boundaries sooner or later, but trying for a power struggle is not the way to do it. She doesn’t respect your authority, probably. She won’t respect your DH’s either: she probably thinks he’s just your messenger on this. At most, she will resent either you or your DH for disliking her presence (she probably thinks you enjoy having her close); it might strain her relationship with DH, or forever tarnish yours with her.

Convincing DH into settling it with his mother might stop her unwanted visits, but it still won’t help your relationship with her, and I honestly don’t understand why one would **want to have strained relationships **with a close family member. Unless you try to become her friend, you will forever have an enemy in your midst. I still recommend getting to meet her; you might be surprised by what you find.

 

[Xantippe]

gotquestions.org/mother-in-law-dealing.html

I don’t understand why loving her isn’t an option. What I learned from Catholicism is that we have to do our part: “People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.” (Mother Theresa)

If people are mean, its their problem; we have to do our parts, despite the world’s reaction to us. I agree that MIL will have to accept the boundaries sooner or later, but trying for a power struggle is not the way to do it. She doesn’t respect your authority, probably. She won’t respect your DH’s either: she probably thinks he’s just your messenger on this. At most, she will resent either you or your DH for disliking her presence (she probably thinks you enjoy having her close); it might strain her relationship with DH, or forever tarnish yours with her.

Convincing DH into settling it with his mother might stop her unwanted visits, but it still won’t help your relationship with her, and I honestly don’t understand why one would **want to have strained relationships **with a close family member. Unless you try to become her friend, you will forever have an enemy in your midst. I still recommend getting to meet her; you might be surprised by what you find.

The OP has had ample opportunity to learn about her MIL during MIL’s multi-week visits spent staying in the OP’s home.

There are lots of people that it is much easier to love via short and infrequent visits. It sounds like the OP’s MIL is one of them.

 

[1990Domer]

I’ve been reading your messages, and I’d like to point some things out. :compcoff:

The first is that most suggestions rely on avoidance. I have to agree: you need to find some time to cool off, but avoiding the problem will never solve it. While your MIL will be leaving sometime soon, she WILL be back and the problem will remain the same, if not worse. You are all falling in a routine of stress: “MIL is coming, assume crash positions!” and, really, what does that teach your children? That some people are inherently troublesome? One of them already dislikes his Nana…

The second is that it seems your relationship with your MIL is in need of a charity upgrade. Now, be attentive: I am NOT defending her. I just want you to think about what being Christian is about.

People can be evil, annoying, unpleasant. But what did Jesus tell us to do with them?

So, maybe your MIL will remain annoying. That’s fine. Whenever we are faced with a problem, the only variable we can control is ourselves. So, you won’t be changing HER attitudes, but you will learn to love her all the same.

The core of the problem: your relationship with your MIL is conflicted. This is what we have to change, and NOT avoid.

How do we do that? We learn to love our enemies. She’ll keep trying to antagonize you, you know? Like bullies at school? Yeah. So, you can’t let her reach you like that. Whenever you feel she is trying to be mean to you, you have to be extra kind to her. Confuse her with love, works all the time. :console:

From what you have said,** your MIL looks to be in need of some real love in her life**: “MIL is always on some kind of crisis or drama”, “divorced”, “lives alone”, “few friends”. No wonder she wants to be present so often: she misses love, so she seeks it where it is - with her family. :grouphug:

You said that you don’t like that they are making plans without you. I am not trying to offend you, just pointing what I am seeing, but you are not exactly making yourself present in her life. You avoid her, your husband seems to be aware that you dislike her, so it must have made sense (as terrible sense as it was, since you are his wife) in his head not to include you. She also doesn’t have reason to call you, as your relationship is obviously troubled. I mean, people think others don’t notice when they are not liked, think they can hide their dislike very well, but that is a terrible assumption… people know, deep inside, when someone doesn’t like them. Why would she call you? You are not the best of friends.

Lastly, you are not a bad Christian for feeling this way. We were given a body full of these programmings, and stress is the way the body finds to deal with hardships. Stress is good in moderation, but our society has a way of making stress become a part of life; as a nurse, I cringed when I read that 1990Domer used to take sleep meds to sleep - not because she is to blame, but just at the ease most people have at saying they need medication to lead a normal life. We can’t let it stay like that, for our own health.

I have a few suggestion, in the next post (not enough space here). Again, I am not saying you are to blame for all this, but you are truly misguided if you expect her to have a change of heart or, worse, if you want to keep your distance until she dies. I’d bet on you regretting both choices. :twocents:

Best you can do is change how you feel about her, just so her presence won’t bother you as much.

If she feels she needs to stay at a hotel for a weekend, she is taxed. With my MIL, we tried openness, tact, kindness…all to no avail. But, she was still continuing to make very harsh, unkind comments above it my family (DH) included. He thought she was batty and ignored her, but I could not ignore the 20 or so insults or jobs at me in one of her short weekend visits. She she started criticizing our autistic son, that was the straw. I told my husband he can either have a relationship with her and her toxic, melo-dramatic, self-centered personality (she intentially tried to talk to me because DH knew how to defend himself against her and I did not) or I was moving out. Couples therapy finally helped, as I mentioned before. If mama (meaning wife) ain’t happy, nobody is happy.

Personally, she should be kissing the OPs feet for housing her for 6 weeks and paying her dental bills. Plus she has to worry about future financial drama. My gosh, I would shaking in my shoes knowing that. Please pray for this woman!

 

[Kindness]

I just spoke to a Dominican priest who told me I have to put my foot down and I have reached a breaking point after 20 years. So I called my husband and told him she has been here a week and he needs to book her on a flight home tomorrow or sooner.

 

[Kindness]

I had a wonderful relationship with my own mother who sadly died before I was married. I was looking forward to a loving friendship with MIL but she is not really capable of it. She is an extremely volatile person who has few friends and a long history of broken relationships. When she visited us for 6 weeks she had a huge screaming fight with her younger daughter in our kitchen, my children ran upstairs to where I was cleaning because they were frightened. She has opened letters I sent my husband when we were engaged and read them out loud to her sisters, she has chased me around the house when I was pregnant screaming at me so I had to hide from her in the bathroom. It goes on. I just can’t do it anymore. I am so done.

 

[Kindness]

My husband just emailed me to say he is taking his mom to the airport in 5 minutes.