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Mystrx
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Seems like you need to move out on your own bud.
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DeniseNY
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I have no advice, but I will pray for you.
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Allegra
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Of course moving in with your parents was a horrible decision! Why would you have thought it was a good decision? This is not something people do for fun! Moving one’s family in with one’s parents is an act of desperation, reserved for the weeks immediately following a house fire or tornado! The way you write, one would think that you find this sort of living situation normal for a newly wed couple. There is no force in this world that could compel me to live with my husband’s parents for a year and half! I would go to the shelter first and I would go without my husband if I had to! You’re lucky your wife hasn’t done the same! Your wife is not meeting your expectation of what her attitude should be because she is miserable in an unacceptable situation that she should have never been put in in the first place! Get your poor wife up out of your mama’s house! Since you didn’t do it yesterday, do it tonight!
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MarkInOregon
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Each situation must be evaluated on its own. Your reply suggests that living with parents is always a recipe for disaster–I disagree. I think it depends on the parents and child and spouse involved. My wife lived with my parents, without me, for about a year, and we lived their together until our just after our second child was born, about three years. I should mention that my sister and her husband also lived there at the same time. We all look back on that period as some of the most enjoyable times in our lives. It has a lot to do with being able to respect boundaries and treating each other as adults and knowing when to hold ones tongue. The OP’s post suggests there was a problem before moving in with his parents–he indicates that he views the choice to marry his wife as a bad decision. There is more to this than just his moving in with his parents.
I know I am in the minority on this and I think it reflects the american idea of independence and wanting to do things our way and not have to accommodate anyone but ourselves. I am always amazed by most americans inability to live with extended family–I think it is sad that it’s come to that in modern american society. It wasn’t that long ago when it was not all that uncommon for there to be extended family living together.
To the OP with out more information I don’t have any advise to offer–only prayers.
The peace of Christ,
Mark
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Xantippe
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Because it isn’t the norm, we don’t have good models for doing it, and Americans who attempt it often fail in spectacular, relationship-destroying ways. Hence, it is usually not a good idea for Americans.
Also, newlyweds and new parents often need a lot of space to create an independent relationship from parents.
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kptrs
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Well, good for you that it all worked out. Every situation is indeed unique and living with in-laws certainly can be a positive experience for some people.
But for others it isn’t, and that doesn’t make them selfish or bad people. Many people have trouble with their in-laws even when they’re not living under the same roof. Those problems become magnified when they decide to live together.
Does the Bible not say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife…”? Just about all pre-Cana material warns against extended family getting too involved in the life of a married couple. As do most Catholic/Christian books on marriage.
There’s a reason why living with in-laws doesn’t work out well for everyone.
The OP hasn’t provided enough information for anyone to know exactly what is going on. But based on the fact that he and his wife and child are living with his parents, it can’t be a good situation by any means.
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MarkInOregon
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After having read all these posts–I am just truly sad. We lived with my parents for the first three years of our married life and my wife for four (the first year of marriage I worked out of town and we only saw each other on weekends)–and it wasn’t out of economic necessity or desperation. To be quite truthful it was enjoyable for us all. We shared meals, we shared cooking, we shared cleaning, etc. Because my sister and her husband also lived there we split the work of the house three ways and were able to enjoy each others company. I can’t for the life of me understand the attitude of posters here or fathom the relationship with parents–that leads to one feeling this this way–I get that it is apparently normal in 21st century america–I just don’t get it and find it sad. My wife and I often talk about those times and how we hope we have raised and our raising our children so that they’d feel the same way about living with us. Heck my sisters and I have discussed our families living together at my parents house someday–hopefully far in the future though.
Given the OP’s situation it might be best to move out if possible–I don’t know from his OP if that’s all there is too it–it seems to me the issues run deeper than simply living with his parents. I just have to speak to this blanket idea that living with parents is bad, just oh so bad–you’re not a grown up until you move out, get a place of your own etc. etc. etc. That’s not what makes you a grown up–I know plenty of people living on their own who are not grown up at all. They way many describe the idea of living with their parents–speaks to me of not being grown up in regards to that relationship. O.K. let my tar and feathering begin now.
The peace of Christ,
Mark
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MarkInOregon
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I don’t think I said anything about anyone being selfish or bad people. I do, however, think that you’re misapplying the Genesis verse. I don’t deny anything you say–but I ask: Do you think that reflects positively on our society and culture? Anyway enough said–by me at least–I just had to get on the record against all the living with family bashing–and offer a counter example. As I said at the start–every situation needs to be evaluated on its own.
The peace of Christ,
Mark
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Allegra
Guest
If you want to live with your parents and your wife is okay with it, you go right ahead. Obviously it’s not working out for OP and I don’t think most people would be shocked by that. I am personally fully capable of sharing meals and enjoying company with my parents and siblings without being under their roof. There are certain boundaries and intimacies that ought to be maintained in regards to married life and it’s just not compatible with living with relatives. It’s not about being “grown up”. It’s about putting one’s own family first. I think the “leave and cleave” Scripture is perfectly relevant in this case. While it’s true that we don’t know the whole story, the OP’s attitude does appear to be that it’s his wife’s fault that their unpalatable living condition isn’t working out and that she should be obligated to adjust her attitude to make it work. As her husband, it’s his job to get her out of there, if she is unhappy.
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Xantippe
Guest
If living with the parents isn’t working for the OP and his wife and is a source of continual conflict, it’s worth trying to live separately from the parents.
(I think they also need some counseling, though, because there are probably already some very deep wounds from this experience.)
I also have to note that it’s not uncommon for the husband to feel that everything is super awesome when visiting his parents when the wife does not feel the same way. When my husband visits his parents with our kids, he goes into kid mode and just sits back and lets his parents take care of everything involving our kids. (He doesn’t do that at home, but that’s how he acts around his parents when he takes a kid or two to visit.) Meanwhile, years ago, when I visited with my husband and kids, I slaved and still got criticized by my FIL for not doing more…I suspect that my mom faced similar issues on the occasions when we had to live with my grandparents–my dad was super comfy living with his parents (cable!) while my mom felt like a third wheel in her MIL’s home.
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Allegra
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Yeah, especially when it’s HIS parents. I wonder how super awesome it would be trying to have marital relations with his wife’s daddy in the next room?
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Allegra
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Or little sisters?
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Xantippe
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Xantippe
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Wow, Allegra, you’re really bringing on the cringes tonight.
Multigenerational living was probably the first really effective birth control method.
There’s a reason why the honeymoon was invented.
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gardenswithkids
Guest
Beyond personalities, the floor plan of a home may aid or complicate the situation. I knew a family that had a perfect home such a situation. For one thing, the home had separate wings, so it was almost like the in-laws had an apartment within the home. Some families have homes with separate kitchens and multiple living quarters. Generations ago, families often lived in duplexes, so they were separate yet together. In contrast, thin walls and and a layout where everyone is on top of each other with little privacy would be hard.
If the op and his wife can’t move out, maybe they can look at modification to help create some more personal space for everyone. Maybe the walls need more insulation. Maybe there’s something simple like switching bedrooms or turning one bedroom into a private sitting area/toy room for his wife and child so they can have a little place of their own within his parents’ home. Maybe the garage could be converted into an apartment. If they live in a nice climate, maybe look at outside living space. But before doing anything, the op should talk to his wife and mother, (probably best to do separately. )
If the op and his wife can’t move out, maybe they can look at modification to help create some more personal space for everyone. Maybe the walls need more insulation. Maybe there’s something simple like switching bedrooms or turning one bedroom into a private sitting area/toy room for his wife and child so they can have a little place of their own within his parents’ home. Maybe the garage could be converted into an apartment. If they live in a nice climate, maybe look at outside living space. But before doing anything, the op should talk to his wife and mother, (probably best to do separately. )
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kptrs
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You said, “I think it reflects the american idea of independence and wanting to do things our way and not have to accommodate anyone but ourselves.” That implies selfishness.
I really am glad everything worked out well for you and your family while you lived with your parents. I’m not saying that sarcastically. If it worked for you and you enjoyed it, that’s great. And I’m sure there are plenty of other people like you with similar experiences. And that’s great, too. However, I also think it’s the exception rather than the rule, as I mentioned in one of my posts on this thread. The situation is not working for the OP, so it’s fair to bring up the fact that much of the time - but far from all of the time - a married couple and their children living with in-laws is not a good arrangement.
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Xantippe
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My sister and her husband and their son lived happily with his parents in Europe for quite a number of years at least partly because of a good floor plan. It’s a big barn of a house (very solid!) and the in-laws got the upstairs. The in-laws put a second, smaller kitchen into the downstairs and my sister and her family lived downstairs. My sister and her family still do long visits there.
When my sister told me about the renovation to put in the kitchen she said, “That’s how I know my MIL loves me!”
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Xantippe
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Right. You don’t have to be a terrible, selfish person for it not to work.
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kptrs
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The Genesis verse doesn’t necessarily apply to everyone living with in-laws, but if the OP is indeed on his parents’ side instead of his wife’s (which may or may not be true based on the limited information in his post, which is why I said if), then I would say the Genesis verse does apply to this situation.
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Hoosier_Daddy
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No need for you to be sad Mark. I think you are viewing this through skewed eyes because of your experience and defense of your decisions but the OP was plainly clear that this was the WORST decision he has made. coming up on two years putting his wife in an uncomfortable situation. He is not living his vows. He needs to move out and stop “praying for his wife to have a miracle in her attitude” and start being the husband he should be not the son he has been. There really is no clearing up the poster could do. This is one of the most straightforward threads to answer on this site. Move out. It should not be more complicated than that. But you can bet if the OP posts again, it will be.
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