My name is Peter. Please help

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PeterJMJ

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Hi,

I’ve been struggling to find the right words to be coherent in what I have to say. I figured I’ll just start typing, so…

I am a devout 28 yo Catholic, married almost 3 years to my Catholic wife. We have a 1 and a half yo son. We moved into my parents home a couple of months before our son was born, and to this day I believe was the worst decision of my life (since being married). As this arrangement has only brought out the worst in my wife, and to a lesser extent, my parents also. There are many “what if’s” that go through my mind, and almost at a daily basis… I’ve gone through a very dark period during this time, and though I can say that I’m not longer at that place it’s still not easy at home. I’d be lying if I were to say I find life joyful. I wake up almost every morning wondering if today is the day God relieves me from this life (I am ashamed, as I know many people go through worse, but it is what it is).

I know I’m not perfect, and that God has His plans etc…I don’t know if this is His way of polishing me as I’ve grown a lot through this adversity, I’m grateful to God that my faith as grown through this. Still, I can’t help but to feel so much regret for not making the right ‘choices’ in life, namely my life partner. Please pray for my family.

As I have said above, I am devoutly Catholic and do plan to stick to my vows to the very end… Please, please PLEASE pray for my family that some how, with a little miracle my wife’s heart and attitude begin to breath the life of Christ and end division and conflict. May we all surrender our own desires into the pierced hands of Christ…

I welcome your advice, sharings and prayers… God bless.

Peter
 
My prayers to you and your family.

I don’t know why you had to move into your parents house. And I don’t know why exactly they don’t get along. But living together with your parents is not emotionally, mentally, psychologically, and sexually healthy for your wife, you, nor for your marriage. It is no surprise that your wife became like that. In fact, I believe it is expected. Imagine yourself in her shoes (you living with her parents).

PS. You are supposed to be a team. You two against the world…or so the song goes.
 
E_7 said:
My prayers to you and your family.

I don’t know why you had to move into your parents house. And I don’t know why exactly they don’t get along. But living together with your parents is not emotionally, mentally, psychologically, and sexually healthy for your wife, you, nor for your marriage. It is no surprise that your wife became like that. In fact, I believe it is expected. Imagine yourself in her shoes (you living with her parents).
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My in-laws are wonderful people. I couldn’t live with them for longer than a week without going Hulk.

OP, unless there’s some sort of major disability or other serious situation, move your family out as soon as you can. You’d be happier pretty much anywhere else. You could literally be happier in a homeless shelter.

Also, start seeing a marriage counselor right now. And talk to your doctor about getting evaluated for depression–you sound really hopeless in a way that I don’t think is justified by what you’ve described of your situation.

Best wishes!
 
Well Pete. You’ve got the Xantippe and E_7 versions of good advice. So I mean you’ve got some solid ideas to work with. I think they know what they’re saying.

I’m not going to contradict one thing about that. I mean if it’s ever a tussle between them and me you always side with them, k?

But what I want to tackle is the feeling of wanting to be done with this life. Because buddy, that’s a red flag. Or at least a yellow flag. Actually, I don’t really know which flag it is. I never figured out when to use which color.

But what I’m trying to say is that you’re in a bit of a place. You know that. So why can’t you move out? It’s been a year, right?

Look. I’m not really able to give any advice on this that means anything deep. Because we’re still short of details here. I mean we need a bit of background. We need a setting. And a whole bunch of random goings on. To get you a real plan. To get you started on a way forward.

So if you want to dish that stuff out you go right ahead. You’re with friends now. We’ll give it our attention and see what we can do to steer you clear. But if you don’t feel comfortable with that I understand. You might just be here for a general nudge. Something that you were already sort of thinking of doing. But just needed a bit of a push to complete. Or maybe you’d just like to vent. That’s Ok too. Just get it all out. Say it in whatever words you want.

You tell us what you need. And we’ll do our best. We’ll do our best to give you some quality random internet advice. But at least it’ll come from the heart. Because we really do care.

Peace Peter. My door’s always open. PM me if you just want to say something specific. It’s whatever you need. Anytime.

-Trident
 
You have lived with your parents for more than half your marriage? You are an adult now, the head of your own household and need to sever the parent/child relationship with mom and dad and move out ASAP, before it is too late. When she married you, I don’t think your wife was signing up for living in someone else home. What if the situation was reversed, would you be happy living with your in-laws? For whatever reason you moved in with them, you need to re-evaluate it and live your own life with your own family, in your own home, however so humble. Get some counseling; life will improve and you all will be happier.
 
Easy solution to problem.

Move out.

Look, I have no idea what your financial situation is but I know what my husband and I’s finances are and its not pretty.

But I know we’ll never move in with either of our in laws…let lone for more then a month or so to get ourselves situated for an apartment.

My husband would do just about any job to pay the mortgage.
 
I am happy to say a prayer for you, Peter. I don’t know what advice to offer other than make a plan to move out from your parents’ house. Perhaps you can reach out to your pastor for counsel.
 
I don’t know the reasons for you, your wife, and your baby to move in with your parents. It could be financial. The economy the last 7 years has been very bad.
My situation is somewhat familiar only I moved in with my son and daughter-in-law for financial reasons and to take care of my (then) 3 year old grandson, who is now 9 and now a 7 month old granddaughter.
It has not been easy. Lots of tensions. I, like you, look back and think, what was I thinking! However, during this time they didn’t have to pay childcare and my grandson had his grandma. My son and daughter-in-law were able to buy a house. I have been able to have my house rented out in another city to try to get through the real estate recession.
Lots of people living together in a house is not easy.
I never expected to be here as long as I have.
Like I said, I don’t know what your reasons were for moving in, but it doesn’t have to be permanent. I have had plenty of dark moments beating myself up over my situation, but that doesn’t help anyone.
I am grateful I have been able to stay here or I might have lost my house by now. I am grateful I have been close to my grandkids. Other circumstances happened beyond my control like losing my good car and breaking my ankle that has contributed to miseries, but the most important advice I can give is to keep a good perspective and a good attitude about things. I am sure your wife wants her own life with just you and the baby. She is adjusting to being a mom and wife. And I have found living with my daughter-in-law has not been easy, but she has been able to keep working and even got a big promotion last fall. Her job takes up a lot of her time and I worry how much attention my grandkids would get if I were not here. And I have alerted them to the fact I might be moving out next year, but they will have a hard time because with my daughter-in-law’s new job she travels a lot and I don’t know how my son will manage his job and the kids.
Families are supposed to help one another. It happens a lot in other cultures.
I would try to get into counseling now if possible and making some type of goal or plan for the future of you and your wife. Attitude and perspective are very important. You also didn’t mention how old your wife is. You two have to keep communicating with one another and setting goals. Babies are expensive with diapers and formula. Does Grandma babysit while Mom and Dad work?
Everyone has to try to work together and hopefully you are able to be saving money to move out.
 
The way I read it (which I think is the simple way) I don’t think Peter says he ever thinks he has had done with life.

Peter, I think you are merely saying you have run out of pre-conceived ideas about what family relationships are!

As 7 Sorrows points out live-in issues aren’t cut and dried when there are economic factors. The members of the “Dallas” dynasty didn’t do it because they were too poor - it is a satire on the kind of people that try to copy the Waltons but fail because their values are up the creek.

Speaking as another single, the way I see it at 28 you are younger than average (for these days) at becoming ready to critique family relationships.

It would be a red flag to identify your choice of wife or anything in her as a bigger problem needing directly countering, than your assumptions and maybe those your family of origin try to push onto you. She is God’s perfect choice for you!

God’s plan is proceeding very well because you can now be open to travelling along this path!
 
As someone who has been married for over 13 years and has—with her spouse—lived independently from either set of parents for the entire length of her marriage, I’ll join the chorus: if at all possible, move out. You are an adult. You have married and started a family. As head of the household, you need a household to head. Any effort towards this goal will likely be compromised to one extent or another as long as you’re living in your parents’ home, and that affects not only you but your wife and child as well.

Your entire family is in my prayers. God bless! And move out!
 
Peter, I’d like to hear it from you wife’s viewpoint, and from your parent’s viewpoint.
I feel sorry for all three of them.
It’s very hard living with parents-in-law, and hard having people live with you who should be living separately for the health of both families.
A year and a half! A mother has a right to be able to care for, enjoy, make decisions for her baby without having a mother-in-law hovering, or inescapably there to give advice. Parents have a right to peace. They raised you, they shouldn’t have to have you and your wife and son living such a long time under the same roof. Has your wife felt you don’t support her? If so, of course it affects her attitudes and behavior! You only speak of your own suffering, no mention of theirs! Even a little matter of sharing a kitchen! Every woman has her own ways in the kitchen, and definitely need their space!

You don’t give any indication about how it is from your wife or parents’ viewpoints, you don’t appear to have understanding and compassion, nor do you give any indication of being supportive of your wife. She is stretched to the limit of her patience, so you just see her as having gone more or less bad. People aren’t at the best under chronic stress.
Do you just stand outside them all and just feel critical. You speak of your own suffering, but not of theirs, and of course they are suffering, and of course they’ve brought out the worst in each other due to inescapable irritations and differences over a period of a year.

Two weeks with my in-laws was enough to cause arguments between my husband and me.
We had to move out though we had almost nothing, and a little baby.
You’ve got two cultures living together, every family has it’s own culture.

Living with in-laws or other family changes the dynamic between couples.
It might be time to put your wife first, and to genuinely love her, not the dream of her when you married, but a wife you should love and help with caring, not judgement.

Jesus said, And He answered and said, “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE, and said, 'FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH '? 6"So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” Matthew 19:5

1 Peter 3:7
Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives’.

Also from the Bible
Matthew 19:6
So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."

Ephesians 5:31
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

God, from the Old Testament “a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” Genesis 2:24

Ephesians 5:28
In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

Damage has been done in these relationships. God grant there will be healing and that your endeavoring to understand what is affecting them in a kind not judgmental way, and trying to help create part of a solution instead of just being a victim of the circumstances.

Hopefully there will be better solutions for your family, and there will be understanding, love, and forgiveness. Hopefully the harm done will not be permanent, but as regards your wife, you may need to woo her with kindness, understanding, and help.

God’s blessings to you all
 
What others have said.

Look, I adore my parents-in-law. They are warm, welcoming, lovely, devoutly-Catholic people. And I can’t imagine living with them. 😛

There’s a saying that two women can’t share a kitchen happily. This is very true. Seriously–I could see someday having a sort of grandparents’ apartment arrangement, where they lived in an apartment attached to our house, and being okay with that, but absolutely positively not under the same roof for a long period of time.

Even if it’s into a 500 square foot apartment, move out, and do so ASAP. You’d be amazed how much things will improve in just a month or two of being in your own space.
 
I know the feeling all too well, I will pray for you as I know how difficult and frustrating living with parents can be ! I will pray for you!
 
PeterJMJ said:
Hi,

I’ve been struggling to find the right words to be coherent in what I have to say. I figured I’ll just start typing, so…

I am a devout 28 yo Catholic, married almost 3 years to my Catholic wife. We have a 1 and a half yo son. We moved into my parents home a couple of months before our son was born, and to this day I believe was the worst decision of my life (since being married). As this arrangement has only brought out the worst in my wife, and to a lesser extent, my parents also. There are many “what if’s” that go through my mind, and almost at a daily basis… I’ve gone through a very dark period during this time, and though I can say that I’m not longer at that place it’s still not easy at home. I’d be lying if I were to say I find life joyful. I wake up almost every morning wondering if today is the day God relieves me from this life (I am ashamed, as I know many people go through worse, but it is what it is).

I know I’m not perfect, and that God has His plans etc…I don’t know if this is His way of polishing me as I’ve grown a lot through this adversity, I’m grateful to God that my faith as grown through this. Still, I can’t help but to feel so much regret for not making the right ‘choices’ in life, namely my life partner. Please pray for my family.

As I have said above, I am devoutly Catholic and do plan to stick to my vows to the very end… Please, please PLEASE pray for my family that some how, with a little miracle my wife’s heart and attitude begin to breath the life of Christ and end division and conflict. May we all surrender our own desires into the pierced hands of Christ…

I welcome your advice, sharings and prayers… God bless.

Peter
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Its concerning though not surprising that you are siding with your parents in this situation. Imagine how this would affect your wife and her psychology!

Bottom line is you will not find peace in your life until you are out of your parents house. If you live in the US and are mentally able, there is no reason for you to live there…
 
TriciaF said:
Peter, I’d like to hear it from you wife’s viewpoint, and from your parent’s viewpoint.
I feel sorry for all three of them.
It’s very hard living with parents-in-law, and hard having people live with you who should be living separately for the health of both families.
A year and a half! A mother has a right to be able to care for, enjoy, make decisions for her baby without having a mother-in-law hovering, or inescapably there to give advice. Parents have a right to peace. They raised you, they shouldn’t have to have you and your wife and son living such a long time under the same roof. Has your wife felt you don’t support her? If so, of course it affects her attitudes and behavior! You only speak of your own suffering, no mention of theirs! Even a little matter of sharing a kitchen! Every woman has her own ways in the kitchen, and definitely need their space!

You don’t give any indication about how it is from your wife or parents’ viewpoints, you don’t appear to have understanding and compassion, nor do you give any indication of being supportive of your wife. She is stretched to the limit of her patience, so you just see her as having gone more or less bad. People aren’t at the best under chronic stress.
Do you just stand outside them all and just feel critical. You speak of your own suffering, but not of theirs, and of course they are suffering, and of course they’ve brought out the worst in each other due to inescapable irritations and differences over a period of a year.

Two weeks with my in-laws was enough to cause arguments between my husband and me.
We had to move out though we had almost nothing, and a little baby.
You’ve got two cultures living together, every family has it’s own culture.

Living with in-laws or other family changes the dynamic between couples.
It might be time to put your wife first, and to genuinely love her, not the dream of her when you married, but a wife you should love and help with caring, not judgement.

Jesus said, And He answered and said, “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE, and said, 'FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH '? 6"So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” Matthew 19:5

1 Peter 3:7
Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives’.

Also from the Bible
Matthew 19:6
So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."

Ephesians 5:31
“For this reason a** man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife**, and the two will become one flesh.”

God, from the Old Testament "a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh" Genesis 2:24

Ephesians 5:28
In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
…
Click to expand...
👍

I’m not his wife, but I’ll share my perspective. I’d be a different person if I’d had to live with my MIL–and it wouldn’t be an improvement. I could barely endure weekends with my MIL at my in-laws cabin! Visiting with my MIL for an afternoon at her home or mine, we get along fine. But living with her??? Please, no.

I can imagine how incredibly difficult it may be like for the op’s wife having to live with her in-laws. My husband always felt right at home whenever we stayed with his parents, but I did not. I found it stressful. And I sense that my MIL found it stressful too.
 
It sounds like most of the blame here is falling on your wife. I’d need more information to know if putting all the blame on her is fair or not. What specifically is she doing that is bad? How are your parents behaving? Living with in-laws is liable to bring out the worst in anyone. If it doesn’t, it’s the exception rather than the rule. My in-laws moved in with us for three months once and it was “doable” at best. I’m glad that chapter is over and I really hope and pray that something like it doesn’t happen again.

Was your wife a bad choice as a life partner before you moved in with your parents? Or is this something that came about after you moved in with them?
 
gardenswithkids said:
👍

I’m not his wife, but I’ll share my perspective. I’d be a different person if I’d had to live with my MIL–and it wouldn’t be an improvement. I could barely endure weekends with my MIL at my in-laws cabin! Visiting with my MIL for an afternoon at her home or mine, we get along fine. But living with her??? Please, no.

I can imagine how incredibly difficult it may be like for the op’s wife having to live with her in-laws. My husband always felt right at home whenever we stayed with his parents, but I did not. I found it stressful. And I sense that my MIL found it stressful too.
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When I was a kid, my dad used to move us all in (eventually 5 people) whenever he hit an economic rough spot (and I can remember many such episodes). My dad was just fine living at his parents’ home with his wife and kids. I only learned years later that my mom HATED it.
 
I would have hated living in my OWN parents’ home, let alone my wife’s.

Starting out in marriage can be sort of like camping out. Unless one or both are kind of spoiled, it is actually fun. Never will I forget that the crib for our first child was a dresser drawer lined with towels. A few years ago, we gave that daughter the dresser. She was really happy to get it as a sort of keepsake.

Our furniture was “estate auction” furniture. I learned to refinish furniture. Nothing easy about it, but I liked doing it because it was one way I could contribute more when I wasn’t making much money.

I think there has to be more to the OP’s situation. Financial, jobless, disabled, or something. I don’t think we know all of it; perhaps the main thing.
 
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