My new husband has been lying to me about viewing pornography!

[bibagirl]

Hi there. I´ve been married just 5 weeks and last Friday I came home unexpectedly from a cancelled gym class to find my new husband viewing pornography. I couldn´t believe it.

I find the idea that he views porn a bit repulsive, and it make me feel inadequate especially when he stays up late at night" and I´m lying upstairs alone in bed waiting for him. I´ve been told I´m considered “hot” by men and I´ve never had a shortage of male attention as I have a good figure so why won´t my husband turn off the computer and come to me instead! If he´s like this while I´m young and have a good figure, what will he be like then I´m older and lose my figure?

But what hurts me most are his lies, now I feel like I can´t really trust ANYTHING he says.

We have been dating for 6 years and living together for the last 3 years (yes I know people won´t approve), and I was always aware that he was secretly viewing pornography occasionally but each time I raised the issue he denied it, telling me that the computer has a virus and that´s why I found porn files in the hard disk. But since he´s a computer technician and I´m not, I was unable to prove that this was not the case. Then last Friday I could him red handed, and he still denied it.

All last night I spent searching catholic advice websites to know what to do and this morning I confronted him with evidence on the hard disk. He hotly denied it at first, getting extremely angry that I´d been “snooping around his stuff” but when he realised I had incrovertable evidence he eventually gave in and bit by bit told me the truth. He maintains that he lied to me beacuse I would react badly if he told the truth, beacuse he knows I´m not comfortable with porn. We have made up and he´s agreed not to lie to me any more.

How can I trust his word from here on in?

As things stand, I think he´s still going to view porn occasionally because he doesn´t see it as doing anything wrong. My real problem now from here is that he doesn´t see porn as a bad thing or a big deal. I don´t know how to get him to see that it will be bad for our marriage.

How do I get him to see that porn is bad for us?

HELP PLEASE, I´m living in a foreign country without family support or close friends so I´ve no real support system.

 

[Eucharisted]

Gentless is the best correction. Think of Jesus and the woman caught in adultery.

Also, perhaps you can discuss a plan on the amount of marital relations per week?

 

[Prodigal_Son]

This is an extremely hard situation, for exactly the reason you point out: he didn’t seem to be sorry about what he doing, only that he was caught. I’m afraid that this was a warning sign that really needed to be dealt with before marriage, but God can work despite our weaknesses.

Don’t visualize or obsess about what he’s doing when you’re not there. In my view, doing so is giving into a temptation from the devil, who wants you to find your husband repulsive.

Your husband is *not *repulsive, but he does seem to be trapped in lies. I’m curious as to what other people on the forum think, but my own sense is that you yourself will have little success “changing” him. Every newlywed thinks that he or she can change his/her spouse, but it just doesn’t work that way.

He can change himself, but he needs help. Does he have any mature Christian friends that you could encourage him to talk to?

Pray, pray, pray. Not for yourself, mostly, but for him. Ask him to pray for you, even, if you feel he is the slightest bit open to it. His love for you can help bring him to recognize that this is sin.

 

[TLM08]

Hi there. I´ve been married just 5 weeks and last Friday I came home unexpectedly from a cancelled gym class to find my new husband viewing pornography. I couldn´t believe it.

I find the idea that he views porn a bit repulsive, and it make me feel inadequate especially when he stays up late at night" and I´m lying upstairs alone in bed waiting for him. I´ve been told I´m considered “hot” by men and I´ve never had a shortage of male attention as I have a good figure so why won´t my husband turn off the computer and come to me instead! If he´s like this while I´m young and have a good figure, what will he be like then I´m older and lose my figure?

But what hurts me most are his lies, now I feel like I can´t really trust ANYTHING he says.

We have been dating for 6 years and living together for the last 3 years (yes I know people won´t approve), and I was always aware that he was secretly viewing pornography occasionally but each time I raised the issue he denied it, telling me that the computer has a virus and that´s why I found porn files in the hard disk. But since he´s a computer technician and I´m not, I was unable to prove that this was not the case. Then last Friday I could him red handed, and he still denied it.

All last night I spent searching catholic advice websites to know what to do and this morning I confronted him with evidence on the hard disk. He hotly denied it at first, getting extremely angry that I´d been “snooping around his stuff” but when he realised I had incrovertable evidence he eventually gave in and bit by bit told me the truth. He maintains that he lied to me beacuse I would react badly if he told the truth, beacuse he knows I´m not comfortable with porn. We have made up and he´s agreed not to lie to me any more.

How can I trust his word from here on in?

As things stand, I think he´s still going to view porn occasionally because he doesn´t see it as doing anything wrong. My real problem now from here is that he doesn´t see porn as a bad thing or a big deal. I don´t know how to get him to see that it will be bad for our marriage.

How do I get him to see that porn is bad for us?

HELP PLEASE, I´m living in a foreign country without family support or close friends so I´ve no real support system.

The bottom line is this dear lady:
There are two types of men. There are men who like porn and view it whenever the mood strikes, and there are men who struggle against the temptation. Most of us including the majority of men on these forums, fail at least on occasion. Some of these men are happy in their marriage, some of them are not. Your man isn’t unique of evil. He is a man. Us guys are extremely visual creatures when it comes to anything that has to do with survival, whether is is hunting for food, spotting a predator or a suitable mate for procreating. Pornographers manipulate this trait for profit. To those men out there who truly never do this, my hat is off to you.

The truth is that most men given the chance, will do this. The important thing is for you two to sit down and talk openly and honestly without shame and fear. Pornography can easily hurt your marriage. If he is overly involved in this stuff while he is neglecting his “hot” young wife, who is waiting upstairs, that is a red flag. He needs to weed this stuff out of his life. Don’t ignore this, but don’t overreact either. Again, open and honest discussion will reveal whether he has an addiction, or just needs to work on controlling himself a little better!

From a christian perspective, pornography tarnished God’s gift of sexuality that is supposed to enhance the intimacy within marriage.

Don’t feel like you have failed in any way. This is a male problem inherent in the beast.
God Bless you.

 

[Trishie]

Hi, Prodigal Son, she didn’t actually say her husband was repulsive, only that she finds the idea that he views porn as repulsive. It is very insulting to a wife, especially so soon after marriage, though if I’d had reasonable cause to suspect it prior to marriage I’d have run for the hills. It would have undermined my trust earlier. It shows a mindset I’d have been too worried to marry, because marriage is hard enough without such challenges that leave one questioning the basic integrity of one’s spouse, and his perhaps questionable perception of women and his failure to value and respect his wife. In this case, it’s hard for her to respect her husband in return.

Because of the above, and because any woman knows or senses the above truths, yes it will damage the marriage if this man won’t see that it is dangerous and wrong, and unfair. He needs to clearly understand so that he can make the choice to act in a way that will strengthen the marriage rather than to undermine it.

You can try to convey to your husband calmly and clearly how you see his porn habit, and ask him to respect and love you enough to desist, but we actually have no control over what others will do. Your husband lied, therefore he does know it would be upsetting to you, but he needs to see its intrinsic wrong and inappropriateness and not simply that you may be (in his view because he wants to do it, unreasonably) upset. He has to find the strength within himself to see it as wrong and insulting…by God’s grace. He needs much prayer for growth into maturity and moral strength, as to lie also indicates that he still hasn’t developed personal strength.

I want to say something comforting but it’s very difficult to know how. I want to comfort you.
All I can do is pray for you and your husband and your marriage.

 

[kage_ar]

Dear poster,

TLM, the poster above me, is in the “everyone does it” camp. That is not true. There are men of integrity in this world, men who do not engage in this sinful act, men who know it is a sinful habit and as Christians are told to do, they flee immorality.

Not to sound like Dr. Laura, but, you dated this guy and kept dating him knowing that he did this. You picked him out, chose to have relations with him outside of marriage - by this action you stated that you loved this man above your own relationship with God. You really were enamoured with him to go to that extreme. You married him knowing he liked porn and masturbation.

So, made the mistake that so many women make, you thought he would change - that marriage would change who he is. That does not happen. Only God can change someone.

What do you do now, you get some good Catholic counseling. Since you are outside the US, I’d suggest the telecounseling services with www.exceptionalmarriages.com

I’d also suggest the book by Fr Dubay “Deep Conversion, Deep Prayer”. Encourage your husband to go to Confession, encourage him to read Theology of the Body, maybe one of Chris West’s studies for both of you.

Pray pray pray.

 

[Trishie]

Dear poster,

TLM, the poster above me, is in the “everyone does it” camp.
.

Definitely not. I’d never suscribe to that view!

Father, in Jesus’ name, please heal this husband who is tempted to porn and related sin. Father forgive and heal him. Please give him strength to resist to temptations against purity and his marriage.
Please urge him to avoid such occasions of sin as internet porn, each time temptation arises.
Please lead him to activities that honour You and benefit his wife’s and his own well-being.
Please surround their lives with Your light and love.

Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle.
Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray;
and do thou, O Prince of the heavenly host,
by the power of God cast into hell, satan and all the evil spirits,
who roam throughout the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.

I ask our blessed Mother, and their angels and patron saints to pray for hisrhealing and for God’s loving will for their lives to be fulfilled.
St Maria Goretti, who died rather than sin against purity please pray for this young man.

 

[bibagirl]

I´m touched by the warmth of the replies, especially yours Trishie.

I am madly in love with my husband and have been since the moment I set eyes on him 6 and a half years ago. He´s a good man. In fact he´s the more Catholic partner in the relationship. When we met I was a lapsed catholic but with his help I have come back into the fold. Up to now, I´ve been checking secular sites for advice on this issue and the general consensus there is that it´s normal and in fact that I should watch porn with him!! I tried this approach before but it didn´t work because I was very uncomfortable and BORED watching the porn, and the whole thing just made me feel a bit sick.

Yes I know I´ve made my choices and have married him despite the fact that he occasionally views porn, but I love him truly, and he is otherwise an excellent partner. He has never cheated, never been jealous or violent, doesn´t get drunk or aggressive, he´s kind and passionate and is a good provider, and will be a superb father once we are blessed with children. He is somewhat older than me, by 8 years. I´m 28, he´s 36.

The sad fact is that most other men have far worse vices than this, and it would be nearly impossible to find a man who doesn´t display any of the above flaws. In fact my general view of men my age is that they are often very selfish, petulant, casually cruel, and out to conquest as many girls as they can. I feel very lucky to have met my husband, albeit with a penchant for porn occasionally.

I am aware I cannot change him, and am not trying to, however viewing porn is a habit, not a character trait so I do not want to change him, just a certain destructive behaviour that he has.

 

[Trishie]

Your husband is truly blessed to have such a lovely, generous hearted and good wife. With you at his side, one cannot doubt the successful future of your marriage.

 

[TLM08]

Dear poster,

TLM, the poster above me, is in the “everyone does it” camp. That is not true. There are men of integrity in this world, men who do not engage in this sinful act, men who know it is a sinful habit and as Christians are told to do, they flee immorality.

If you can show me where I said “everyone does it”… I’ll buy you a steak dinner. You really should go back and re-read my post, slowly if necessary. Of course pornography is sinful.

True men of integrity are honest about this struggle and with much humility will be able to admit that they are not always able to flee. Pornography is like a cobra hiding in the brush. It has invaded mainstream entertainment and has even worked it’s way into our school curricula. The young are especially vulnerable.

We need to grow up and face the facts. Again, to those who are always able to resist this and other sins of the flesh, my hat is off to you!

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Bibagirl,

He wants to live up to your expectations, but (I imagine) he feels like he can’t. He needs to relate to men around him that are fighting the good fight and know how damaging pornography can be to a marriage. He needs to protect you better.

You say he’s a good man and the more Catholic partner in the relationship, but remember: he broke his commitment to the faith when you lived together before marriage. He knows that was wrong, and he made a compromise between his values and desires. He needs male leadership and brotherhood, because that’s just how these things work. I don’t know how to get him into such accountability relationships, but this should be the goal.

 

[bibagirl]

rodigal Son you have made a very good point about getting more involved with a Catholic community. You are absolutely right, he will be positively influenced by other Catholic men. In fact it is he is the lapsed Catholic at this stage, a strange role reversal. In fact our priest told us that we should sleep in separate bedrooms in advance of our marriage but my partner got so upset at this idea that we could not put it into practice, although I had been willing to.

Thank you Prodigal Son, you have made me realise that my husband and I must take a more active role in the Catholic community.

 

[TLM08]

I´m touched by the warmth of the replies, especially yours Trishie.

I am madly in love with my husband and have been since the moment I set eyes on him 6 and a half years ago. He´s a good man. In fact he´s the more Catholic partner in the relationship. When we met I was a lapsed catholic but with his help I have come back into the fold. Up to now, I´ve been checking secular sites for advice on this issue and the general consensus there is that it´s normal and in fact that I should watch porn with him!! I tried this approach before but it didn´t work because I was very uncomfortable and BORED watching the porn, and the whole thing just made me feel a bit sick.

Yes I know I´ve made my choices and have married him despite the fact that he occasionally views porn, but I love him truly, and he is otherwise an excellent partner. He has never cheated, never been jealous or violent, doesn´t get drunk or aggressive, he´s kind and passionate and is a good provider, and will be a superb father once we are blessed with children. He is somewhat older than me, by 8 years. I´m 28, he´s 36.

The sad fact is that most other men have far worse vices than this, and it would be nearly impossible to find a man who doesn´t display any of the above flaws. In fact my general view of men my age is that they are often very selfish, petulant, casually cruel, and out to conquest as many girls as they can. I feel very lucky to have met my husband, albeit with a penchant for porn occasionally.

I am aware I cannot change him, and am not trying to, however viewing porn is a habit, not a character trait so I do not want to change him, just a certain destructive behaviour that he has.

The above post demonstrates one of the most incredible level of understanding and maturity that a wife can have when it comes to husbands and porn viewing. She is correct on all accounts and her husband is blessed to have an awesome woman like this at his side. Her insight is one for the ages. Her attitude alone can make a husbands desire for that garbage start to fade.

 

[djeter]

Some of what Prof George relates on marriage and pornography :

Marital Acts Are Truly Unitive
In marital acts…the bodies of persons who unite biologically are not reduced to the status of mere instruments. Rather, the end, goal, and intelligible point of sexual union is the good of marriage itself. On this understanding, such union is not a merely instrumental good, i.e., a reason for action whose intelligibility as a reason depends on other ends to which it is a means, but is, rather, an intrinsic good, i.e., a reason for actions whose intelligibility as a reason depends on no such other end. The central and justifying point of sex is not pleasure (or even the sharing of pleasure) per se, however much sexual pleasure is sought – rightly sought – as an aspect of the perfection of marital union; the point of sex, rather, is marriage itself, considered as bodily (“one flesh”) union of persons consummated and actualized by acts that are reproductive in type. Because in marital acts sex is not instrumentalized, such acts are free of the self-alienating and dis-integrating qualities of masturbatory and sodomitical sex. Unlike these and other non-marital sex acts, marital acts effect no practical dualism which volitionally and, thus, existentially (though of course not metaphysically) separates the body from the conscious and desiring aspect to the self which is understood and treated by the acting person as the true self which inhabits and uses the body as its instrument….Marital acts are truly unitive, and in no way self-alienating, because the bodily or biological aspect of human beings is “part of, and not merely an instrument of, their personal reality.”
Top

Understanding Marriage
Marriage is a type of good that can be participated in, or fully participated in, only by people who properly understand it and choose it with a proper understanding in mind; yet people’s ability properly to understand it, and thus to choose it, depends upon institutions and cultural understandings that transcend individual choice.

Your husband will tell you that “everybody” looks at pornography – no harm, no foul, etc. etc. but you are right to see this as major because it simply shows he doesn’t realize the preciousness, the treasure, of any of the above. Pornography corrupts by appealing to and heightening the tendency toward selfishness, which, even in the most virtuous among us, represents a danger to our integrity and to the precious relationships (husband-wife, parent-child, friendships) which depend, in part, on the proper integration of our sexuality into our live. Find men in your parish who understand this, ask your priest (find a priest who understands this).

I am single childless and now celibate because of what pornography did to me. It’s no laughing matter.

Regards

DJ

 

[bibagirl]

Thanks for your kind words TLM08

Perhaps it might be an idea to show my husband the posts of this forum, as when I speak to him about this I cannot express myself calmly. Then once he begins to accept that pornography is serious and a big deal, perhaps we could go to a priest.

 

[bibagirl]

Dear DJ

I´m sorry to hear you´ve had such a tough time with your addiction. But now that you realise that it is a destructive behaviour, you can begin to move on from it, and perhaps with time gain happiness with somebody. :console:

 

[bostonian]

First, make sure you both are on the same page about the fact that pornography is inherently bad, and that it’s even worse when viewed adulterously in marriage.

Tell him about the fact that what he’s experiencing through pornography is not love or affection, but just a way for him to use his own body to produce feelings (like using a drug) by means of women he will never know.

I’m not sure, but it may have been Pope John Paul II who first noted that it’s not how much sexuality pornography shows, but rather that it “shows too little” about what sexuality truly is. Sex can’t be experienced in its true nature by watching a video.

Go here for more of an explanation:
chastity.com/chastity/index.php?id=7&cat=Pornography,%20etc.

 

[bostonian]

I forgot to mention…the very first thing your husband should do is to go to CONFESSION! Especially if he hasn’t been in a while, confession (along with any advice the confessor-priest may give) may do a lot to solve the problem. It’s a spiritual problem as much as a physical addiction.

You might also wonder about what YOU can do as the wife in this relationship. While your husband must cleanse his mind and his heart of any lingering attraction to the women in pornography, one thing you can do to help him is to give him reasons to choose YOU at every turn instead of turning to pornography to (possibly) deal with some pain he may be experiencing. It doesn’t excuse pornography at all, but some men resort to it as a way of coping with pain or a problem. So ask him if something is bothering him, and ask yourself about how healthy your relationship with him is, and seek counseling from a priest.

 

[bibagirl]

Bostonian I´m quite sure you do not mean that I am somehow inadequate or sexually unavailable, although that is what your post seems to suggest…

However this is not the case at all. We have a very good relationship. The only thing that I do notice is the times I suspect that he is viewing porn are times that he is under a lot of stress at work, as he has been recently.

You are correct in getting him to go to Confession - it´s one way for him to realise that viewing porn is a sin.

 

[kage_ar]

You are correct in getting him to go to Confession - it´s one way for him to realise that viewing porn is a sin.

Another is to show him the Catechism of the Church and the Bible:

Here is a link to the CCC where you can put in the terms and find what the Church teaches:

scborromeo.org/ccc.htm

**2354 ***Pornography *consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties. It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other. It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants (actors, vendors, the public), since each one becomes an object of base pleasure and illicit profit for others. It immerses all who are involved in the illusion of a fantasy world. It is a grave offense. Civil authorities should prevent the production and distribution of pornographic materials.

**2396 **Among the sins gravely contrary to chastity are masturbation, fornication, pornography, and homosexual practices.

**2352 **By *masturbation *is to be understood the deliberate stimulation of the genital organs in order to derive sexual pleasure. “Both the Magisterium of the Church, in the course of a constant tradition, and the moral sense of the faithful have been in no doubt and have firmly maintained that masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action.” “The deliberate use of the sexual faculty, for whatever reason, outside of marriage is essentially contrary to its purpose.” For here sexual pleasure is sought outside of “the sexual relationship which is demanded by the moral order and in which the total meaning of mutual self-giving and human procreation in the context of true love is achieved.”

You shall not commit adultery.

***You have heard that it was said, “You shall not commit adultery.” But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ***

---

**2381 **Adultery is an injustice. He who commits adultery fails in his commitment. He does injury to the sign of the covenant which the marriage bond is, transgresses the rights of the other spouse, and undermines the institution of marriage by breaking the contract on which it is based. He compromises the good of human generation and the welfare of children who need their parents’ stable union.