My now homosexual husband wants custody

[AdamP88]

I believe there is nothing wrong with SSA or active homeosexuality.

Nothing wrong with SSA. Active homosexuality is a different story.

They shamed him about his SSA. I am not saying you or the other people here would do this, but it is not an unusual thing to see in religious families

If my gay son was going to marry a woman I wouldn’t let him do it unless I was sure he’d told her this little fact.

You might not believe it’s wrong to live this lifestyle but it actually is. And the OP is right when she wants to keep her children as far away as possible from this “boyfriend”.

 

[heidi_storage]

Your view is the mainstream view. Your view means that any attempt by the OP to raise them according to Catholic values is profoundly, deeply wrong. Your view means that the OP will be viewed as a hateful bigot for not normalizing homosexuality, and if your view is correct–then she is.

By the way, I do not agree with your view. I am not a Catholic, but I am a Christian, and the Bible is fairly clear that homosexuality is wrong. (I have read articles that purport to show how this interpretation is incorrect, by the way, and I’ve tried really hard to agree with them because it would be so much easier–but they’re extremely unconvincing.)

 

[AdamP88]

I am not really interested in arguing about SSA or homosexuality.

Then don’t post your personal views that are not in line with catholic teaching on a catholic forum.

 

[MaryT777]

In the state of Iowa when a child is with mom or dad and there has been a divorce finalized, each party is free to take their child to the placce of whorship they’d like to attend.

There was no way around it. I had the top lawer in the state and she said accept this fact now because it will become a realty and the best you can do is plan ahead.

Hope this helps albeit it is probably not good news to hear at this point.

You have my prayers and divorce is no easy road, I know because I have benn through it. I hope you can find a way to cast some of your worries to the Lord and concentrate on your children the best you can.

 

[QwertyGirl]

Then don’t post your personal views that are not in line with catholic teaching on a catholic forum.

Adam, nothing in my original post was in opposition to church teaching. I never said OP shouldn’t do her best to raise her children in the Catholic faith, or that she should condone her husband’s behavior or actions to her children. If you read my post, I encouraged OP to find some good in this horrible upheaval resulting from her husband’s betrayal. I didn’t really mention SSA/ homosexual morality until you rather aggressively remarked on my post.

Apparently, you feel that cutting the dad out of his kid’s life is the way to go. I don’t think that is moral, and if OP is in the US most judges will agree with me. You have to work with what you have. Cutting a parent out of a kid’s life because he left his wife is a really good way to turn the kids against their mom. That isn’t good for anyone.

There is something else I should have mentioned in my original post. The friend I mentioned in my original post had 3 kids she needed to Shepherd through the situation at hand. These kids are all in their 20’s now. Two are what most people would consider devout Catholics, devoted to their faith immensely. One is not. I just think it is important to mention this, because… Well… It is important.

 

[semper_catholicus]

A very, very sad situation indeed.

At this point, it seems like you can’t do much else other than proceed with your lawyer as mentioned above somewhere, and pray pray pray for him. Pray the rosary for him every single day, take a particular day of the week and fast for him, do penance for him, offer your masses for him, offer your confessions for him, offer your communions for him, pray other prayers every day for him, develop devotions to certain saints (ESPECIALLY THE BLESSED MOTHER) who’s patronages might be related to your case and ask them to pray for you. Perhaps offer a pilgrimage for him, or say a 54 day rosary novena for him.

Do all of these things for the intention that he may see his mistake and come back to the church and continue to be faithful to you, as he promised at your marriage.

I will also pray for you as well. You can be assured of my prayers.

 

[TheLittleLady]

To make dad into an evil, vile person will result in driving the kids to dad.

The advice to never speak ill of your child’s other parent is the same for married people, divorced people, gay people, purple people. No one ever has a positive result from poisoning the child against the other parent.

Christ said to love our enemies and to do good to them who do bad things to us.

I think the dinner idea is way too over the top sort of a TV show plot line, but, to be civil enough so that kids recital, school play, graduation, birthday party, wedding is not a battlefield with the child caught in a tug of war IS the goal.

 

[Raxus]

Apart from your feelings on him being gay, is he a good dad?

If he is exposing the children he promised to raise Catholic to an active homosexual lifestyle, he is not being a good dad. He is being completely, utterly, totally selfish, not thinking of the kids and what is best for them at all.

 

[cloistered]

No doubt that this guy did the wrong thing. He had no right to marry and then did the total wrong thing again in having an affair. There is no excuse for his actions. But, in the words of Atticus “lets walk around in his shoes for a while” and try to understand. Maybe this man grew up in a house where the truth of his homosexuality would not have been allowed at all. Perhaps he heard that it was sinful and something that could be controlled and that didn’t square up to the reality of his situation. But, he tried and tried and didn’t want to disappoint his parents or perhaps he was even afraid that he would lose their love. So, he kept the truth a secret while he lived under their roof for years. Once he was older, he had all those years of lies and expectations weighing on him. So, he continued to try to be what he was told he should be.
The right thing to do? No. I don’t condone it, but I can understand it.

 

[Demetra]

This is so selfish of the gay husband. He should have never married a woman in the first place. He may not be able to resist gay “urges” but there is no excuse for cheating on his wife. He didn’t have to do that but he CHOSE to do that proving he has no integrity and is morally very weak and corrupt. A liar about his Catholic faith also.
Now being self centered he expects his life to go as if he hasn’t blown up his family. He will never be truly happy but the ex wife and children can work on creating love, peace and joy in their lives. The sun will shine in their lives once again. Take one day at a time and get the best legal advice possible, CatholicKate. And make sure a strong balanced straight male like a good grandfather or uncle is in your kid’s lives to offer a healthy role model.

 

[AdamP88]

To make dad into an evil, vile person will result in driving the kids to dad.

Not saying she should do that. Just that she should do everything possible to protect them from daddy’s depraved lifestyle.

And in my personal experience, the mother doesn’t have to poison the kids, once they’re old enough to see what a selfish person their father is, they’ll have plenty to say about it.

 

[TheOldColonel]

Sounds like you have the wrong lawyer. I would not employ any lawyer already predicting defeat. Sounds like he just wants a pay day.

Any chance of finding one who really knows how to sling mud? That’s what you’ll need to get full custody. See if any family lawyers advertise in your church bulletin.

Your ex-husband may be engaging in other risky behaviors that would make his home unsuitable for a child. A good private investigator might be able to acquire such evidence.

 

[armywife20]

This sounds like pre no fault divorce advice. The laws and judges will not keep the children from their father over this. And judges have, do and will give primary custody to a gay couple due to the current climate. (Remember that they have an elevated status now.) If this mom pushes against the LGBT narrative, she may lose custody altogether, even with the best family lawyer on the country.

 

[armywife20]

OP, I don’t know if you are still reading but I have a few thoughts about dealing with this (pending lawyer approval). Get a second opinion, especially from a law organization that is fighting against these unconstitutional no-fault divorce laws.

-Get on record that together you made decisions about marriage, children, faith and raising your family. Now that your husband wants out, he alone gets to decide these things (or if you don’t agree with what he wants he alone decided to give decision making to the judge.

-Ask for more than half custody. You have been with them from birth (in whatever capacity for your family - homemaker, always put them to bed?) and having them away even half of the week is not fair to you or (more importantly) them. Always remember that custody agreements can change.

-Try to get in the custody agreement that they will not spend the night with a non family member without approval from the other parent. This will be difficult - especially as they want sleepovers with friends, but I think you can see the benefit.

-Live the joy of our Catholic faith! Show them God’s love! Pray with them, for them and for their Dad.

-Teach them the fullness of our faith. Read the Bible. Start them memorizing the Baltimore Catechism. (Start with the first with both. Move to 2nd when they are older and can understand the commentary.)

-Teach them to love their father even as they learn that he has chosen this life (and even sacrificed their happiness and well-being for it). Remind them that he is their father and that they need to always show respect.

-The respect thing is huge - especially since he is doing NOTHING respectful. At any time, he can go back to the judge and ask for more custody or a different agreement. This is why it is so important to get on record that in leaving the family, he gets to call ALL the shots. And why you need to be all loving, forgiving and respectful.

May God bless you as you try to honor Him, your marriage and husband, and his children by raising them in the faith you both professed for them.

 

[TheOldColonel]

That was never suggested. Rather, the strategy would be to find evidence the court would find objectionable. She will have to play very rough if she hopes to spare her child such a deplorable living arrangement. Hence, the need to hire a private investigator. Yet, you make a valid point regarding the likely biases of the court system. It is, indeed, just one of the many, many symptoms of the moral decrepitude of society.

 

[Ardent_Fire]

This breaks my heart. I will be praying for all of you, catholickate.

Obviously the cards have to be played carefully in a custody situation where someone is gay, especially if you’re in a liberal state. The worst would be for him to get sole custody. As long as you are in their lives, they will still learn about the Catholic life and the true Gospel. I think it’s important to be kind and civil so he doesn’t become nasty in return and ask for sole custody, but that doesn’t mean “normalizing” what he does, so I personally wouldn’t be having him and his partner over for dinner or other activities and pretending to be a real family like everything is “fine and normal” when we know it isn’t. Most hetero people don’t have their ex husbands over with their new lover and pretend everything is fine, so I don’t see how that should be different just because he’s gay.

I can’t help but wonder if you could ask the lawyer and your priest one condition in the custody case if the custody becomes joint – maybe you can see if the priest who married you or the Diocese would be able to have it put on record that you both at one time agreed to raise the kids Catholic and that should still be honored, so making sure at least the custody arrangements would allow you to bring them to mass and religious education classes. Having that on the record and giving you that legal right wouldn’t allow him to try to block it and throw a stink about it in the future in case his views become very anti-Catholic.

I’m going to say this right now, I seriously doubt their so-called marriage will last, especially given that it’s based on a situation of dishonesty and infidelity. He obviously cast aside what he probably found to be the monotony of a long term commitment in marriage and is caught up in the “novelty” of living out of the closet and in a situation of infatuation and “new love” all over again.

 

[catholickate147]

Wednesday we will have to go to mediation to try and come up with a parenting plan. Im trying to come up with a list of demands. Ofcourse I dont expect us to work anything out. we’ll end up in court eventually I feel. one thing i don’t want to negotiate is faith. I want my children at mass every Sunday and not to go to his united universalist “church”. also I want the no overnight visitors but once he gets married I don’t think that will work. This is s unfair for my kids

 

[c_h]

I pray that God helps open your eyes so you can look beyond his sexuality/gender. If he’d been a good husband and father to you and your children, you don’t have to hate him. As long as he’s not running from his responsibilities. I know it hurts to be betrayed and cheated on. But it’d hurt more to have a husband that pretends and lies all the time. God lets this happen because he doesn’t want you to suffer more. You deserve freedom and happiness. So don’t let this keep you from that freedom and happiness. And don’t keep your children from having a father. Yes, he’s gay, but does it make him a bad person? There are so many people out there who do so much worse. Love is love, regardless of whom it comes from. If it’s real love, then it should be freely shared.

Sorry. But, I don’t believe that God hates gay or trans people. I believe that God’s love is unconditional and everybody deserves to feel it.

 

[catholickate147]

What does he want? Surely he understands keeping small children from their mother is not good, to say the least.

He wants joint legal and physical custody. He wants to have the children half of the time and have equal say in decisions like medical, schooling and most importantly religion.

 

[TheLittleLady]

And the thing is, unless he has a documented history of abuse or untreated addiction, that is exactly what the judge will hand down.