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domer
Guest
I will be going to confession this Saturday. I’ll admit I am nervous and a bit scared. But I know it’s the right thing to do.
“Get back to the basics” Good advice!
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“Get back to the basics” Good advice!
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domer
Guest
I do believe I am truly in love with her and she’s the one for me. Perhaps my actions or at least my posts her don’t show it, but I think you’re wrong. However, only time will tell.
I do think sexual pasts should be talked about BEFORE having sex. (But ideally, yes, we wait until marriage for sex).
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domer
Guest
Yes. Seeking a good answer to a bad question. It doesn’t exist. But I believe I’ve made peace. Thanks for understanding me Havard.
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domer
Guest
For the record, I think this was misunderstood, but I didn’t drink my way through this. After it happened I had no desire to drink at all. When I’m sad, I don’t pick myself up with alcohol. Yes, I use it for recreation and enjoyment, but not when I’m upset. The alcohol was what finally spurned this conversation I was hiding from for so long. I didn’t get drunk and scream at her and throw things. I was upset. There was no booze involved with that.
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Liberanosamalo
Guest
You are right, she wasn’t getting the best or acting the best, even AFTER she met YOU. Your being hurt by her past troubles should lead to an overwhelming desire to be the man who helps her heal. The reason some of us were so hard on you is because that was NOT your first reaction to all this, or at least not the one you shared with US.
Now help her heal. And live in chastity now, to prove to each other that you ARE capable of sexual self control NOW. Your future marriage will depend on that kind of trust. If your whole engagement has been about saying to each other with your bodies “I don’t have to be married to someone to have sex with them” that poison will enter a marriage and infect it sooner or later.
Now is the time for both of you to prove to each other that you are truly made new in Christ.
Good luck.
And call that rape hotline.
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domer
Guest
Thank you.
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Onedayatatime
Guest
Now that you have shared all the advice on this thread with your GF, be very careful. Remember she was raped and probably hasn’t dealt with it. She has been used by someone who was once close to her. This is very sensitive ground.
It’s great to share, but don’t use this forum as a joint therapy exercise. Important decisions and feelings are at work here, and it would be easy for the devil to interfere in his usual nasty manner.
God Bless you both. Will be praying for you both.
It’s great to share, but don’t use this forum as a joint therapy exercise. Important decisions and feelings are at work here, and it would be easy for the devil to interfere in his usual nasty manner.
God Bless you both. Will be praying for you both.
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domer
Guest
I wanted to get back to this aspect of it. I did NOT, absolutely did not, and will not overlook the rape. After all this dust settles the rape will still remain. It was not her choice. At the time she blamed herself. She counted him as one of her sexual partners, she didn’t look at it as rape. It was wrong and I told her this. She now knows what really happened. I’ve talked with her about this and I actually made her call a rape hotline. I believe she called RAINN.
She told me she received closure by blocking it out (literally), blaming herself, and just going back to what she was doing with the same group of guys that lived at that fraternity house. That is NOT CLOSURE. I don’t know if she even referred to it as rape until she told me. She told one of her friends, and me. That’s it. I know I can’t give her the right closure she needs, and she didn’t want to tell her mom, so I made her call the rape hotline. She didn’t want to call and was embarrassed, but did it anyway. I told her it would be anonymous and unbiased (kinda like this place, well, anonymous at least). She told me she had a good experience and there are free counselling centers in our area. She wants to go with me (but I think we go to separate counselors, which is fine). So, we will go when she’s ready. I know this is another can of worms, but how does one receive true closure, resolve, whatever you want to call it? She blamed herself for so long and never even considered it rape. Naturally, I want to hurt this guy, but that isn’t right? Should she press charges out of principle? She blocked it out so “well” that she can’t remember if it was soph or junior year. Or what about calling the guy and telling him what she truly feels? Or me calling him? I don’t know. Fact is this guy is terrible and walks the earth probably thinking he got laid, and so did his two buddies. Terrible. (and if you call me judgmental for this, don’t waste your breath. This guy should be in jail. For a girl as loving as she is, she said she truly hates him for doing this.)
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PatriceA
Guest
She needs to work with a therapist that has extensive experience working with rape victims. DO NOT call the guy, that goes for both of you. I don’t think you ever really get “closure” with a rape or sexual abuse situation, but you do learn to heal that part of your life with counseling. Catholic Charities should be able to recommend a counselor. Its not going to be easy, it doesn’t happen over night. But she’s going to need you and a support system of friends that will love her unconditionally as she works through her experience.
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domer
Guest
OK. You really tore me a new one about some sort of “anger” problem I have. You looked at my past in a way you are not fit to do. Parental issues? Drug addict? Maybe you’re a prophet and have some infinite wisdom, but I doubt it.Wow. This all really isn’t about me, Havard. But to satisfy your curiosity, no, I’m not a priest. **I’m a female who was married to a man who was a raging cauldron of anger. ** Though I didn’t have any “past” before I met him, I remember him being furious at me because I once stupidly said I liked a guy in college and I wanted to kiss him. Even though I never did, I got the “harlot” treatment for about a day. Yeah, I’ve talked to a professional about my issues and why I continued with a relationship with a man like that. I was very young. We all do stupid things when we’re very young.
I’ve met the kind of guy who has one set of rules for himself and another for the woman he deems perfect enough to be his wife. I rebel at the idea. Oddly, I don’t often find myself in agreement with FlyingFish, but there we are!See, I’m not a stone thrower or I’d be lambasting the GF too. I’m trying to show him he needs to show this poor woman and rape victim some kindness.
As for if I WERE a man and a priest, I’d be a lot nicer to a soul on their knees in the confessional asking forgiveness from God in all humility for THEIR sins than I am to someone who came HERE telling US about HER sins and asking how he can possibly forgive her, when SOME of those sins were with HIM.
Those “rocks” I’m casting were ones he threw at the woman he claims to love, but they misfired. I just tossed them back at him where they belonged.
Well, after reading about your ex (and I’m sorry you had to go through that) - it really snaps it into focus. You went through hell. You don’t wish this upon anyone. And when you suspect it might be happening, you jump all over it. Your intentions are commendable. But I feel you are reaching. Your ex was clearly way out of line. How many people would lose it about their current wife wanting to kiss a guy in college? 1 out of 100? How many would have issues dealing with a partner’s sexual past? I’m not going to put a number on it, because you will inevitably disagree, but I bet it’s more than 1 out of 100. You were with an angry person, but not all people are like that.
You bring up alcohol. Have I been a mean drunk? Yes. Have I used alcohol to excess and made bad choices? Yes. Am I better off without it, or at the very least, in moderation? Yes. Does it control my life? Absolutely not. Am I an alcoholic? Not even close. You assume because I drank and cowardly brought up her past that I’m an angry, mean, alcoholic drunk. I am not.
You blame me for bringing her sins into here. Well, that was what bothered me. As well as my own sins. It’s anonymous. Yes, it’s uncomfortable and unpleasant, but I think good came out of it.
Forgiveness. Like I said, the question was never “How can I ever forgive her???!!!”
Jealousy? This was never a direct problem I was having. I wasn’t jealous of the other guys. The guys she was with, she admits, were guys she would not take home to mom and dad. Yes, they had something with my potential future wife, but I’m not jealous of them or jealous of her for being with them.
So, congratulations on throwing my misfired rocks back at me.
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domer
Guest
OK. But don’t you think confronting the problem head on, the rapist, that closure can be achieved? What if he apologizes? I don’t know what would happen. But why are you dismissing this? I know she doesn’t want to call him. I will support her decision as long as it is true closure.
Do you think she should seek out specifically a Catholic organization for counseling? I don’t know the politics, secular attitude at a place like RAINN. Do they have a super liberal attitude? I’m new to this. I don’t know. Don’t judge my ignorance. I just want her to go in the right direction for her sake.
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PatriceA
Guest
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Liberanosamalo
Guest
Your local Catholic Charities has counseling centers probably and someone there could probably direct you to an appropriate venue. A lot of rape counselors do it from the point of view of “been there done that” and it has little to do with faith. I wouldn’t suggest trying to get an apology from anyone ever. Whoever did it may or may not remember the episode or may view it very differently, or may be on a different path himself, or may be running from his past… no one is going to own up to it and say “Yeah, I’m a rapist. Sorry about that.”
There isn’t a way to prosecute these cases really without putting the victim on trial and dragging her through the mud.
And closure is really a faulty term. The only closure we get is when the coffin lid goes down. All of our experiences make up the sum total of who we are. And she will revisit those issues when you have sons and daughters who start to drink and she may become a very overprotective mother and your children may not understand. Therapy recognizes that these events are mines in an emotional minefield and they tend to detonate unexpectedly when someone trods on them unaware. Her theraphy will probably work on acknowleging and forgiving herself and directing her anger at an appropriate target rather than keeping her anger and hatred buried where it will hurt her.
Sometimes we don’t get “justice” in this life. That’s where faith counselling CAN help, to help her understand that the God who made the human eye knows all and sees all and HIS infinite and perfect justice will deal with the guy who did that to her.
As for the other comments… you came on here a complete stranger. We did not know anything about you or your history. I tend with new posters to throw out a bunch of statements based on their original posts and see which ones stick to get a better idea of what they’re really trying to say. Seldom does a poster’s original post really get to the heart of what is really going on.
Glad alcohol isn’t a problem, glad you do have a grip on your anger, and I’m glad you’re going to be the face of Christ to your gf and love her unconditionally and bring her to that image that God sees in her, the person she can truly be. That is what marriage is, to be two souls who help each other save their souls. It’s not where you’ve been, it’s where you’re going, together, with the help and grace of God.
There isn’t a way to prosecute these cases really without putting the victim on trial and dragging her through the mud.
And closure is really a faulty term. The only closure we get is when the coffin lid goes down. All of our experiences make up the sum total of who we are. And she will revisit those issues when you have sons and daughters who start to drink and she may become a very overprotective mother and your children may not understand. Therapy recognizes that these events are mines in an emotional minefield and they tend to detonate unexpectedly when someone trods on them unaware. Her theraphy will probably work on acknowleging and forgiving herself and directing her anger at an appropriate target rather than keeping her anger and hatred buried where it will hurt her.
Sometimes we don’t get “justice” in this life. That’s where faith counselling CAN help, to help her understand that the God who made the human eye knows all and sees all and HIS infinite and perfect justice will deal with the guy who did that to her.
As for the other comments… you came on here a complete stranger. We did not know anything about you or your history. I tend with new posters to throw out a bunch of statements based on their original posts and see which ones stick to get a better idea of what they’re really trying to say. Seldom does a poster’s original post really get to the heart of what is really going on.
Glad alcohol isn’t a problem, glad you do have a grip on your anger, and I’m glad you’re going to be the face of Christ to your gf and love her unconditionally and bring her to that image that God sees in her, the person she can truly be. That is what marriage is, to be two souls who help each other save their souls. It’s not where you’ve been, it’s where you’re going, together, with the help and grace of God.
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flyingfish
Guest
It probably depends on the rape victim and the stage she is at in her recovery. It is best for her to talk with a professional experienced in helping rape victims.
But there is next to no chance that the rapist will apologize. This guy’s main priority will be avoiding legal trouble, so he will likely try to deny it ever happen, say she came on to him, say she’s a slut and so on.
A professional will have the best idea of knowing what is in her best interest. It may be pressing charges, suing the rapist, shouting that he’s a rapist from the rooftops, it may not.
For this case, it probably doesn’t matter, and it’s probably most important that the rape counselor has experience helping rape victims.
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The_Geographer
Guest
Is your first name Jeffery by any chance.
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Peggy_in_Burien
Guest
I actually wish more priests would speak the truth as it should be spoken in the confessional!
I would rather have a priest tell me exactly, even if harshly, where I am going wrong, point out the errors of my ways, and what the consequences of my action are to my immortal soul, than have some namby-pamby, light-weight, feel-good mumble-jumble handed to me. The priest who chewed me out royally over a sin I knew better than to commit did me a world of good. I actually felt like he had understood what I knew to be the gravity of the sin and knew that if he understood and granted me absolution, then I really was forgiven. And the advice was given like the scolding I deserved, and expect Christ would have given me, and I have done better since then.
Makes me wish Liberanosmalo was able to be a priest! She would be a good confessor!!!
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Norseman82
Guest
I know this would not be very Christian, but personally, I think the only way that I could achieve closure with someone who raped someone I loved would be a round or two in the octagon…
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The_Geographer
Guest
You should realize that if she has exposed such a dark secret with you she has reached out to you. I believe this is her way of testing the water with you. Are you going to be the kind of man that will not only defend her but will not overreact to her offender. I know all about this scenario. Now that she has trusted you, drop the “me me me” cr_p. You have no ground to stand on and every time you say something like you you forgive her, I hear self-absorbed “me”. STOP talking about yourself and concentrate on HER. She does need help and only with time and your positive influence on her will she seek it most likely. If you don’t then someone else will either abuse her or be the one that helps her. It’s time to “manup”. Either your a man or a mouse, as they say. Which are you?
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The_Geographer
Guest
NO!!!
You must encourage her to work with a therapist for HER own good. Your name should never come up in this conversation, other than if you consider marriage with her that she has achieved a level of healing that would help her achieve an honest open relationship with you in marriage.
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Sina
Guest
Ok, it was only your first post where it sounded like you weren’t sure about how much you loved her I suppose.
Yes… I very very strongly believe people need to know someone’s sexual history before they themselves have sex with the other person. It doesn’t have to be details, like what positions and different things they have done… but it should be number of partners, whether a condom was used, age of when, … I went as far as knowing the names ( turned out I knew one of them as we all went to the same university ).
Anyways… I am glad you came back here and responded further. We get a lot of CAF first time posters with questions… and people invest a lot of time into it and then never hear back. You sound like an intelligent, promising young man, and I pray you and your girlfriend have a wonderful future. God Bless.
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