My SIL and possible personality disorder

[Sophie_Lawrence]

Beautiful! Exactly as Jesus calls us to love, but sometimes we need to learn to love from a distance. Very hard with people who are difficult when we feel pressure to stay in relationships with them, as if it is the good Christian thing to do and to forgive them. We are not really loving someone when they are sinning every time they see us are we? It is good to know when to back away, for health reasons, mental health and spiritual health. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you for this.

It’s been a bit of crisis of faith for me. I know we must forgive.

When I was a girl my grandmother and her sister had a quarrel and were not speaking.

They both were invited to the same function and my grandmother didn’t want to go “if she was there”.

She went, she and her sister saw each other and both embraced in tears and hugs and kisses, “I was wrong” “No, I was wrong” and then they sat with each other during the party making amends. When my grandmother passed away, her sister was at her bedside, rosary in hand.

This situation with my SIL doesn’t fit into any of my past experiences.

I know people don’t always get along, and sometimes say something or do something wrong. I’ve quarreled with my sister, and later that day or at most the next day we apologize, and forgive and forget.

Thanks again.

 

[1990Domer]

A bpd person also inflicts pain on themselves-ie:cutting and so on.
A histrionic person is all getting attention through drama, sexually inappropriateness and has rages.

Both are ‘me’ focused.

To deal with a histrionic person is to remain unflappabble, to deal with a bpd person is the reverse as they can hurt themselves severely.

You are dealing with toxic people, whether or not they are the above and I personlly would limit my time with them.

I always found my possible BPD mother never self-injured, but she other categories that placed her with that diagnosis. Loving from a far is also the best priestly advice I received. Otherwise, I too, would have slipped into a much more serious depression.

 

[GreyWings]

My sister has Borderline Personality Disorder. That being said, I have to step in and first and foremost set something straight: nobody except a mental health professional, and by that I mean a psychiatrist or psychologist (more so a psychiatrist, in my opinion), can diagnosis a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. Even then, it might take more than one mental health professional to accurately diagnose it. One cannot slap this label on a person as some claptrap. Borderline Personality Disorder has traits but it affects people very, very differently as all people are very, very different. Mostly, people affected with this debilitating illness are beautiful individuals who just want to be loved and are harmful to themselves, not others.

There is such a stigma with mental illness. I do find it offensive when the OP mentions “possible personality disorder” mentioning BPD and the FIRST reply is “how to deal with a sociopath” advice. Say what the what? They are both very, very different mental illnesses. Borderlines are NOT Sociopaths (aka Antisocial Personality Disorder). Borderlines HAVE empathy.

FWIW, I have depression, anxiety, trauma. And reading this whole thread is such evidence of the stigma mental illness has.

Nobody can diagnose your SIL with any dx except a professional, OP. I realize you’re struggling with her but understand She may not even have a personality disorder. It’s extremely complicated.

You are dealing with toxic people, whether or not they are the above and I personlly would limit my time with them.

Uh, I used to help a schizophrenic person who was so sweet and NOT violent (again, stigma). People with mental illness are SICK and hurting and need help with compassion. Do you think Jesus would “limit his time” with the sick?

 

[GreyWings]

Also I want to add that I think it is highly unprofessional of this psychologist to slap this mental illness on the SIL as a “possibility” without even treating her.

 

[Sophie_Lawrence]

Also I want to add that I think it is highly unprofessional of this psychologist to slap this mental illness on the SIL as a “possibility” without even treating her.

Well no. He didn’t slap anyone with a diagnosis.

He is very professional.

He said that she does display some characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder. He hasn’t met her and never diagnosed her.

I did not mean to be offensive at all, just wanted to hear of other people’s experiences.

I hope this makes sense. For a long time I struggle with fatigue, and recently had my thyroid tested. My tests were fine. So my fatigue isn’t cause by my thyroid. So there isn’t really an explanation why I’m fatigued. At least if my thyroid were malfunctioning, then at least there would be a way to treat it and treat my fatigue.

I guess if she did have a personality disorder then it would explain 20 years for me and a lifetime for my husband on why she acts the way she does. I hope that makes sense.

As things are now, she’s cut us off. My husband and I see the psychologist to see what type of relationship with boundaries we can have.

She cannot be a happy person constantly fighting with people, holding grudges, being vindictive and erratic.

Again, sorry I mean no offense.

And Grey Wings, I don’t want to stigmatize anyone with mental illness. I want to know how to change my behavior. My own son has anxiety and sees a psychologist. I also have a family history of dementia. My grandfather would sneak out of his home at night at tamper with the neighbors garbage cans. Obviously he acted like this because of his dementia, not out of malice or anything he could control.

For years I’ve been patient with her, accepting how my husband navigated the relationship. But now she’s been vindictive towards my children. My vocation is that of mother. I need to know how to protect my children.

 

[EasterJoy]

…I did not mean to be offensive at all, just wanted to hear of other people’s experiences…I guess if she did have a personality disorder then it would explain 20 years for me and a lifetime for my husband on why she acts the way she does. I hope that makes sense…

Yes. Here is the thing: The key is not in getting a “label” for everyone. The key is to treat others with a balance of mercy and justice that allows you to treat everyone the same. It takes both firmness and generosity.

This is how I’ve found that knowing about sociopaths helps me even when I’m not dealing with sociopaths: even non-sociopaths will sometimes press for personal advantage in inappropriate ways, because sociopaths aren’t the only ones who can be self-centered, willing to deceive to gain an advantage, or choose not to care about anyone else for a little while. Knowing how to deal with alcoholics helps me even when I’m not dealing with alcoholics, because alcoholics aren’t the only ones who let their obsessions with one certain thing lead to neglect of the needs of others. Know how to deal with a borderline personality will help even when you are not dealing with a borderline personality. Why? Because while there are very emotionally labile people and very steady people, most people bounce around somewhere between the extremes, including each of us. Listen to what Our Lord had to say about the Father: his sun shines and his rain rains down on the just and the unjust alike. Justice and mercy, the same for everyone.

I mean that when you run across someone who uses a lot of foul language, you keep in mind both that their habitual behavior is inappropriate and that they may have a limited amount of self-control, that they may be suffering some kind of enslavement. You base your expectations of how they will act in the future on how they have acted in the past: those are their limitations. You don’t have to be the detective and figure out what that is, but just handle them based on their behavior in a way that is suitable whether or not their behavior is their “fault.” You don’t give them permission to cross boundaries, but enforce the boundaries without hurting them. I mean this: if you have deer mowing down your garden, the answer is not to shoot the deer or just wave goodbye to all your lettuce and snap peas. The answer is a deer fence, a very tall fence that lets light into the garden but keeps intruders out. If the problem is rabbits, you would have the same boundary, but you’d have to resort to a different sort of fence. If nothing has been bothering your garden, maybe you have no “fence,” but you still know where the boundary is, the place where your jurisdiction starts or ends. If the deer or the rabbits are starving, you can get some hay or something and take care of them outside the fence, but you have to eat, too.

This requires both justice–enforcing boundaries even when the intruder has limited capacity not to cross them–and mercy–seeing to the needs of others without judging why their behaviors are what they are when we don’t have authority to mold their behaviors directly.

Teachers, coaches, pastors, and parents bringing up children, for instance, have the authority and the duty to look into why their charges behave in a certain way. They have a duty to intervene when one of their charges needs to improve their behavior or their attitude, to learn about and sometimes correct their perceptions of themselves and the world, to teach them to act in appropriate ways, to research the reasons they fail, to help them to find the help they need to overcome deficits in self-control and self-care, and so on. Most of the rest of us, however, will not have any peace unless we let go of concerning ourselves with being everyone else’s pastor or mother or teacher or coach and simply deal with others with as much justice and mercy as we can muster.

If someone comes to you struggling because they are always violating other people’s boundaries, you can suggest different ways they might cope with that, but in the end you have to allow them to be the captain of their own destiny and the master of their own problems. If someone not under your jurisdiction and not posing a threat of serious harm to themselves or others doesn’t ask for your advice, though, consider that they may not want your advice. Put boundaries on yourself, too, then. Do not thirst for control over others, but be willing to generously give them as much room as you reasonably can.

Of course, if someone starts behaving in ways that are very out of character and counter-productive, it is OK to discern that it is time to make an inquiry–hey, this is not like you, are you OK? Are we OK? After all, sometimes it is not the other person who has changed, but you who have changed, and you are seeing their response to the change in you.

This also requires that we enforce integrity on our own actions–we don’t give ourselves permission to occasionally do what those with mental disorders might habitually do because they don’t have the capacity to do better. If you let yourself tell lies once in awhile, how do you draw a boundary with a sociopath? If you expect others to allow you to harm yourself if you want to or don’t think anyone should adjust their expectations of you when you are emotionally labile, how do you draw a boundary with a borderline personality? If give yourself permission to leave graciousness behind when someone offends you, what are you going to expect when you commit a faux pas? This isn’t just a matter of mercy or justice, but mercy and justice, and as much as we each can muster, with the expectation of needing forgiveness, needing to openly and without making excuses admit we’ve done wrong and expressing sorrow, and making some kind of amends for our offenses when it is all over.

 

[EasterJoy]

Well no. He didn’t slap anyone with a diagnosis.

He is very professional.

He said that she does display some characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder. He hasn’t met her and never diagnosed her…

Knowledge of psychology–both that of others and of ourselves, not to mention both of individuals and the dynamics of various kinds of groups–can help us realize that some patterns of behavior are unlikely to change while others might change for reasons that we would have found counter-intuitive when we were more naïve about human nature. It helps us to identify what a person’s motivations might be and what strategies of dealing with them might be the most useful. It doesn’t give us the definition of a person, but a place to start when reconciling their behaviors with our desire to have a relationship with them.

If you find your garden is getting eaten to the nib, it does help when you are “enforcing your boundary” to know whether you are dealing with deer, rabbits, insects, or human thieves. The boundary is the same for all, but the first strategy to try when enforcing that boundary can be very different.

 

[Kindness]

While not inappropriately diagnosing anyone some books explaining how having a mentally ill family member can affect the rest of the family and their own behaviour can be extremely enlightening and helpful. My own father was diagnosed as Manic-depressive or as it is called these days Bi-Polar disorder. As.much as we had compassion and understanding for him his behaviour was very abusive to me and my brother. My mother died when we were pre - teens and my father physically beat my brother and eventually locked me out of the house so I had to enter foster care.

Naturally mental illness has a huge range and can include those who inflict most of the suffering on themselves. However there is no doubt that serious mental illness can cause suffering and even abuse: mental, emotional, physical and spiritual on family and friends. Some families have a few members with serious problems (addictions, trauma, PTSD and mental illness) which definitely creates a toxic mix for those trying to maintain a calm and healthy environment where life makes sense most of the time and people treat each other with love and respect. All people deserve compassion and respect including the family of the mentally ill especially if they are raising children and need to protect them from real or potential abuse.

If anything, as demonstrated here when you grow up with a mentally ill family member you can end up erring on the side of being overly tolerant of bad behaviour on the part of the mentally ill and finding it a struggle to assert your own right to freedom and boundaries to maintain a healthy self-image which is vital to being able to be a competent spouse and parent.

I have personally found it a relief to read information online and in books regarding mental illness and how it can affect other family members. When you see so many people having the “walking on eggshells” experience with all the same coping mechanisms you realise you are not alone and unfortunately many people deal with this in their immediate or extended family.

I think it is important to recognise the lived experience of the mentally ill and also their family that are directly affected by their behaviour. Family can be very traumatised by these experiences if there are not enough healthy and necessary boundaries in place.

 

[1990Domer]

Beautiful! Exactly as Jesus calls us to love, but sometimes we need to learn to love from a distance. Very hard with people who are difficult when we feel pressure to stay in relationships with them, as if it is the good Christian thing to do and to forgive them. We are not really loving someone when they are sinning every time they see us are we? It is good to know when to back away, for health reasons, mental health and spiritual health. Thank you for sharing.

Monicad made a great point here about loving from a distance, especially when it involves the commandment: “Honor thy mother and father.”

I spoke to countless priests (nearly every time she raged) about how to reconcile this with a mom who was first physically and verbally abusive and then verbally abusive. Each said to pray for her but reminded me that even Jesus said to his disciples that if they were unwelcomed in a home or town, shake off the dust and move on.

This is not to condemn mental illness. It is to help bear the cross given to all those affected. I see remainders of my bad parenting when dealing with my son. He certainly didn’t deserve the anger I projected. Neither did my husband. And when his mother grew more toxic, we tried helping her, which resulted in a huge mistrust (paranoid-like) of us and her verbally abusing us to her youngest son. Once again, we loved at a distance. She could write to us and vice versa, but no verbal conversations allowed. We offered family therapy (on our dime) but she said she would not change. What alternative did we have?

 

[Allegra]

I’ve come to realize that my mother has several characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder. She doesn’t have all of them, and she isn’t consistent. She becomes more narcissistic when she is depressed. She has decades of treatment behind her for her depression and a few other diagnosis and continues with therapy, but as far as I know, no one has spoken to her about the narcissistic tendencies. I suspect that might change if any of these doctors ever talked to her children, but they don’t.

Anyway, I have found that maintaining boundaries in our relationship has helped a tremendous deal. She and I are still able to have a relationship and I am able to protect myself when she is in the midst of some toxic behavior. At first, this was really difficult because she has a really hard time not being in control and I had a hard time with the fact that often times, the fact that she can’t control me means that she ignores me completely in favor of my stepfather or some of my more malleable siblings. Believe it or not, this can be really painful, even when you know the other option is having all forms of joy slowly sucked out of your life. However, as the years have gone by, we have established a relationship on terms we can agree with. That being said, it’s probably not going to work out the same way with a sociopath. Sometimes, all you can do is say “I tried.” Eventually, you have to protect yourself and your own family.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’ve come to realize that my mother has several characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder. She doesn’t have all of them, and she isn’t consistent. She becomes more narcissistic when she is depressed. She has decades of treatment behind her for her depression and a few other diagnosis and continues with therapy, but as far as I know, no one has spoken to her about the narcissistic tendencies. I suspect that might change if any of these doctors ever talked to her children, but they don’t.

Anyway, I have found that maintaining boundaries in our relationship has helped a tremendous deal. She and I are still able to have a relationship and I am able to protect myself when she is in the midst of some toxic behavior. At first, this was really difficult because she has a really hard time not being in control and I had a hard time with the fact that often times, the fact that she can’t control me means that she ignores me completely in favor of my stepfather or some of my more malleable siblings. Believe it or not, this can be really painful, even when you know the other option is having all forms of joy slowly sucked out of your life. However, as the years have gone by, we have established a relationship on terms we can agree with. That being said, it’s probably not going to work out the same way with a sociopath. Sometimes, all you can do is say “I tried.” Eventually, you have to protect yourself and your own family.

As it turns out, in societies in which irresponsible behavior is simply considered intolerable and charm doesn’t get you out of following social norms, there is a vastly lower incidence of people who show the typical sociopathic behaviors. In other words, there are people who have the intellect to follow social norms even if they will never do it out of emotional empathy that they cannot feel for others. If people do not have their feelings (or lack of feelings) held against them, but are expected to act with integrity because of the sure consequences of failing to do so, there are far fewer of these problems. It is no sin to be a “cold fish.” Rarely do we choose how we feel. It is better to teach each other that there are certain ways we act whether we feel like it or not, or to accept the natural consequences of being unreliable or non-compliant.

 

[Allegra]

As it turns out, in societies in which irresponsible behavior is simply considered intolerable and charm doesn’t get you out of following social norms, there is a vastly lower incidence of people who show the typical sociopathic behaviors. In other words, there are people who have the intellect to follow social norms even if they will never do it out of emotional empathy that they cannot feel for others. If people do not have their feelings (or lack of feelings) held against them, but are expected to act with integrity because of the sure consequences of failing to do so, there are far fewer of these problems. It is no sin to be a “cold fish.” Rarely do we choose how we feel. It is better to teach each other that there are certain ways we act whether we feel like it or not, or to accept the natural consequences of being unreliable or non-compliant.

I don’t think that my mother’s narcissistic episodes would be considered tolerable or charming by anyone who might be made aware of it. When she behaves this way, she is selective about where and around whom, so that she can later deny her actions or lay the blame on someone else. She’s fully aware that her behavior isn’t socially acceptable, so she takes great effort to disguise it from people outside the immediate family. I think what has happened with me is that by setting up boundaries, I have actually placed myself outside of the inner circle of emotional abuse. I’m not useful to her anymore, so she doesn’t talk to me except for birthdays and holidays when she needs some “extras” in her drama.

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t think that my mother’s narcissistic episodes would be considered tolerable or charming by anyone who might be made aware of it. When she behaves this way, she is selective about where and around whom, so that she can later deny her actions or lay the blame on someone else. She’s fully aware that her behavior isn’t socially acceptable, so she takes great effort to disguise it from people outside the immediate family. I think what has happened with me is that by setting up boundaries, I have actually placed myself outside of the inner circle of emotional abuse. I’m not useful to her anymore, so she doesn’t talk to me except for birthdays and holidays when she needs some “extras” in her drama.

In other words, she respects boundaries that are actually enforced. If everyone enforced a single set of societal boundaries, she wouldn’t be identifiable as a narcissist by some sociologist doing “counting” of the prevalence of people with a lack of a moral conscience.

In some countries, ethics are taught as “how would you feel if someone did that to you?” This is meaningless to someone who doesn’t have the emotional machinery to care how anyone else feels and who does not respond emotionally in the same way that other people do. In other countries, though, ethics are taught as “this is how a civilized person is expected to act, and those who don’t act this way will be held in low estimation.” In that case, a person who would not behave well out of empathy will do so out of a desire to merit a higher esteem from others. The capacity to act according to boundaries is there, but different societies provide different motivation. The motivation of empathy only works if you can actually feel empathy.

 

[GreyWings]

God bless you and thank you for sharing.

You make a good point, It can be very dangerous to be quick to label people we find irritating with certain mental illnesses, then use that as an easy excuse to avoid contact with them. You are right that Jesus calls us to love! I don’t think Jesus himself would avoid the sick, but I don’t think He calls us to deliberately be abused if that is the case either. Sometimes it is hard to discern whether or not the person in our lives is abusive or whether or not they are having mental illness “issues.” You are also right that a medical evaluation is in order, unfortunately most people in my life that I had many problems with did not seek treatment.

We need to be Christ like! I know people that avoid other people for what seems like the flimsiest of reasons! Some people are offended by the smallest of things and avoid other people for years, while other people can be sexually and physically abused by another person yet still persevere and put themselves at risk trying to make the relationship work somehow.

I believe people on this forum are giving their best advice from their own perspective. Perhaps your perspective is being shut out or seeing your sister shut out which is sad. My perspective is being able to finally let go of an abusive person after seeking spiritual advise at my parish. I thought I could “make it work” somehow and I just couldn’t. Hopefully the original poster will find guidance here somewhere by the Holy Spirit. God bless.

Thank you.

The thing is, some people are just jerks. Just because they’re a jerk, doesn’t mean they’re mentally ill. Many, if not most, of the mentally ill are vulnerable people. It is no surprise that the mentally ill are bullied because they are vulnerable.

Having mental illness is not like having a cold. “Oh, she does that? Sounds like she could have BPD.” It is unprofessional of a mental health professional to make such blanket statements regardless without actually treating her. Again, she may not even have BPD. And it’s insulting to those who have BPD to be thought of in this way. That is called stigma, my friend.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Thank you.

The thing is, some people are just jerks. Just because they’re a jerk, doesn’t mean they’re mentally ill. Many, if not most, of the mentally ill are vulnerable people. It is no surprise that the mentally ill are bullied because they are vulnerable.

Having mental illness is not like having a cold. “Oh, she does that? Sounds like she could have BPD.” It is unprofessional of a mental health professional to make such blanket statements regardless without actually treating her. Again, she may not even have BPD. And it’s insulting to those who have BPD to be thought of in this way. That is called stigma, my friend.

Absolutely. But bad behavior and mental illness/addiction can go hand-in-hand. Bad behavior isn’t always (not by a long stretch!) caused by mental illness, but mental illness also is rarely a valid excuse for tolerating bad behavior, and those of us who have to deal with someone who, at the very least, displays signs of mental illness need help discerning what the best method is to handle the effects in our own lives.

In my case, my mother is a very active alcoholic: drinks and drives, drinks all day, will do anything to get the next drink, etc. Do alcohol and the associated addiction impair her judgment? Definitely. At the same time, she is still capable of making the right decision, hard though it might be, and chooses not to.

It can be helpful to have a general idea of what category of behaviors a specific person’s behaviors fall into so as to figure out a workable plan for dealing with them–thus, I suspect, the suggestion that the person in question might have BPD. Does she? No one knows for sure. However, knowing that she displays A, B, and C behaviors typical of a BPD person can be very helpful to a person in her life when they’re trying to decide what sort of boundaries to put into place.

My mother, for example, displays some narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies. This has never been formally diagnosed, and I, not being in the mental health field, wouldn’t summarily decide that she had either condition. It could well be that she has neither, and is simply a very nasty person. I can say objectively, though, that she doesn’t seem to feel any sort of empathy for others, that she deliberately tries to sabotage important events and opportunities for her kids, and that she drinks far, far too much. Because I recognize certain traits, even without a particular label I can say, “Hmmm, in that case, these are methods that people in the mental health field suggest for dealing with that sort of person; I’ll give them a try.” See what I mean?

 

[GreyWings]

See what I mean?

No, I don’t. Because my dad is an alcoholic and he isn’t mentally ill.

We need to remove the stigma of the mentally ill.

Yes, you do hear of the bad cases of the mentally ill. But a few bad actions of a sick person does not mean ALL people diagnosed, or even the majority, are going to act like x. It doesn’t work that way. BPD, as the case of point here, affects people differently as people are different. That is why is can be easily misdiagnosed.

 

[Sophie_Lawrence]

Thank you.

The thing is, some people are just jerks. Just because they’re a jerk, doesn’t mean they’re mentally ill. Many, if not most, of the mentally ill are vulnerable people. It is no surprise that the mentally ill are bullied because they are vulnerable.

Having mental illness is not like having a cold. “Oh, she does that? Sounds like she could have BPD.” It is unprofessional of a mental health professional to make such blanket statements regardless without actually treating her. Again, she may not even have BPD. And it’s insulting to those who have BPD to be thought of in this way. That is called stigma, my friend.

Again, I would like to reiterate that the psychologist we see has not diagnosed her. He said her actions could be signs of BPD.

It would be like a medical doctor describing what a heart attack feels like. “These are the symptoms” Obviously he cannot diagnose a heart attack without seeing the patient.

Our psychologist can tell us what BPD looks like, without slapping a diagnosis on her as you said before. I’ve known her for 20 years. Something prevents her from functioning in a healthy manner. (I guess perhaps read my previous thread).

 

[GreyWings]

Again, I would like to reiterate that the psychologist we see has not diagnosed her. He said her actions could be signs of BPD.

It would be like a medical doctor describing what a heart attack feels like. “These are the symptoms” Obviously he cannot diagnose a heart attack without seeing the patient.

Our psychologist can tell us what BPD looks like, without slapping a diagnosis on her as you said before. I’ve known her for 20 years. Something prevents her from functioning in a healthy manner. (I guess perhaps read my previous thread).

I’ve read your previous thread.

And I would like to reiterate that what your psychologist did was unprofessional. His “suggestion” prompted you to start a stigmatizing thread that is so offensive to me, a person who has mental health struggles.

BPD varies with different versions; has specific symptoms according to the variations but it may also be comorbid, as it often is. (For example, I have trauma, depression and anxiety. These are three separate things.) This is why it is so complicated. You could have any illness and it could “sound” like something with it actually being something else - nothing than what the patient or a doctor “suggesting” what they think it could be without treating her. One of my best friends is a medical doctor and not once has she diagnosed me through emails when I have been sick, lol. This is why a blanket diagnosis is not professional. How many people search the internet with symptoms and scary diagnoses pop up, and the person thinks they have something they really don’t?

From MedHelp

It’s important to remember that you can’t diagnose borderline personality disorder (BPD) on your own. So, if you think that you or a loved one may be suffering from borderline personality disorder (BPD), it’s best to seek professional help at some point on your journey. BPD is often confused or overlaps with other conditions, so you need a mental health professional to evaluate you and make an accurate diagnosis.

“You” being the patient, not family member.

Having a family member actually with BPD, diagnosed from a psychiatrist after long term treatment, I know a bit about it. And I have a friend with BPD who is very different than my sister.

 

[Sophie_Lawrence]

GreyWings. I wish you’d read what I actually wrote.

He has not diagnosed her.

Please stop saying that he is unprofessional when he is. In our sessions he is allowed to discuss symptoms and characteristics of psychological issues. He’s a psychologist! It’s not like I am speaking to a psychic, or a plumber.

I am sorry if you are finding this offensive. I did not start a thread to offend you.

I am sorry about your mental health issues.

As I said, my son sees a psychologist for anxiety, weekly.

I am not trying to stigmatize anyone, it is unfair for you to say so.

I was looking for similar scenarios. That is all.

My family has been mistreated by someone who has often mistreated my husband and many people around her. It’s a repeating pattern, with many different targets. As a family we are trying to work this out. As a Catholic, I need to figure out what forgiveness looks like with her. I don’t intend to allow her to hurt my children again, or hurt me again.

This has nothing to do with stigmatizing mentally ill people.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you.

The thing is, some people are just jerks. Just because they’re a jerk, doesn’t mean they’re mentally ill. Many, if not most, of the mentally ill are vulnerable people. It is no surprise that the mentally ill are bullied because they are vulnerable.

Having mental illness is not like having a cold. “Oh, she does that? Sounds like she could have BPD.” It is unprofessional of a mental health professional to make such blanket statements regardless without actually treating her. Again, she may not even have BPD. And it’s insulting to those who have BPD to be thought of in this way. That is called stigma, my friend.

I have news for you, but all people are vulnerable people when it comes to having their emotions yanked around by their familes.

My short answer for the OP is to consider what your boundaries are, enforce them for everyone, but choose how you enforce them based on the past behaviors and the most likely motivations of the persons who violate them. Some people are innocent interlopers who only need to know that they’ve crossed a boundary, some are deer, some are rabbits, some are moles. All those who either won’t or can’t abide by your communications about the boundary need a barrier to keep them out.

You have your garden, you can’t live out there patrolling it, and so you put up barriers and deterrents as appropriate, leaving creatures* outside *your garden to live in peace and freedom. Do not allow your family of origin or anyone else convince you that they are the exception that ought to be allowed to violate your boundaries. The truth is the opposite: they ought to have been the people who could be trusted to honor your boundaries only by having been alerted as to where the boundaries are. Gates and fences are necessary for those who have violated that trust.