My sister is the other woman, why am I supposed to be happy?

[whatevergirl]

*Hi Monicad;

Yes, believe me, I know what you are saying. I wrestled and wrestled with visiting my sister and her ex-lover for dinner. I was in town on business, and also house hunting for when my family and I were going to move to Florida. It was not an easy decision, or one I took lightly…I met with her and him, and it was an okay enough dinner. But, I think at the time, I looked at it as she needed me. I didn’t want to abandon her. She already knew how I felt…I wasn’t shy about how I felt. I imagine he might have known, if she told him…because she wasn’t talking to me for a while before this visit. But, I love her, and wanted her to know that I was there for her. If I didn’t go to the dinner, she might have felt that I was not someone she could approach. It is hard to explain, but I think she sensed my love for her that night…and thereafter, when things fell apart, she came to me quickly…and was so sorrowful. She asked me to stay with her and him (they were living together at that point) and to THAT I said, no. And I told her my reasons, and she respected that.

Monicad, it was very hard. I am so grateful she’s not with him anymore…because frankly, I would NOT have wanted to spend holidays with her and him. Her, yes, him, no.

It’s tough.*

 

[MercyMia]

It sounds like you are the only sane one in your family, gosh. Be steadfast in your convictions, you are defending God by defending his marital covenant. I think you need to put your foot down and protect your children from witnessing the sinfulness that your sister has invited into her life. Make it known that your children will not be exposed to this. 9 year olds catch on faster than we give them credit for…and frankly, the sordid sex lives of adults outside of marriage is far too confusing and potentially damaging for them. I am praying for the poor child in this scenario, the son of this adulterous man, whose family and entire identity and sense of security is being ripped apart by the careless emotions and desires of selfish adults. Everything about this boy will change as a result, and he will be working through this the rest of his life…is it worth it? For what? A little excitement? Do not feel guilty about distancing yourself from her. It is not like you were looking for conflict, she is the one who has put this burden on you - of choosing between her and choosing between protecting your children from the sights of her sin.

Your sister has fallen in a serious state of sin, plainly speaking the devil has her in his grip and he is not going to let go. Worse, he has fooled her into thinking this sin is justified as “love.”

***I’m so sorry to hear this. My sister had an affair with a married man, he left his wife and kids…“for” her. They moved in together…then he ended up cheating on her. If someone cheats with you, that someone will cheat on you–that’s the old adage. I remember my sister stopped talking to me back then, because I kept telling her that it wasn’t God’s will…God will never tell us to do something that deliberately goes against His Word…against His Commandments. I remember my sister telling me that she thought he was her soulmate. I said, God wouldn’t ask you to commit adultery to find true love.

Soo true! God would never break up a marriage as a means to have us find our “soul mate.” This really makes it clear to me why our faith should never be based on our own subjective emotions. “It feels good, therefore it must be good” is such a dangerous trap for us to fall into. It makes me think of all the “health and wealth” feel good churches people leave the one true Church for - because they are basing their definition of God on their feelings, not on the truth as God has revealed it. We do this with marriage, God and all sorts of responsibilities - we trust our own fallen perceptions over God’s truth. Love really is a choice and not an emotion. To base our decisions on life on how they effect our own personal feelings and selfish fulfillments if very new-age and scary.***

 

[Bluegoat]

I would just treat him like a friend who is coming along for companionship. I have met plenty of people who do things I think are morally objectionable, but I just approach them as people. If you bring your kids might notice they seem “attached” and I would just say things may head in that direction but for now they are friends, or your nine year old could manage hearing that he was separated from his wife - I expect he has run into that before among other kids who have divorced parents. The distinction between separated and divorced likely won’t matter to him yet.

If he asks you what you think about the situation, it would be ok to discuss what you think of marriage with him. I wouldn’t talk about the affair, and you don’t sound like you know much about his relationship or circumstances with his wife, so that wouldn’t be up for discussion much anyway.

 

[TheRiver]

Sorry, but I wouldn’t let my kids anywhere near this. It’s pretty much as simple at that. If you wanted to stop over or meet them for lunch or something, ok, but I wouldn’t bring my kids around them at all.

Because that’s the kind of thing Jesus would do right? Alienate people.

 

[whatevergirl]

*I don’t think we can judge why someone wouldn’t want to have their children around an adulterous couple. It’s their choice. But, for me, personally, having dinner with my sister and her ex lover at that time a few years ago, was my way of displaying love. We are to love everyone. Eating dinner with them, didn’t display acceptance of adultery, it displayed my love for my sister. Even the man she was with, we can choose love everytime, doesn’t mean we like the person, or the behavior.

It’s important to teach those around us who are in sin, a better way. God’s way. But, I never think shunning people conveys that. God has never shunned me, thank goodness…and He is all-loving. It’s up to the individual, but for me (adding on to my above post Monicad) this is how I personally displayed my love for my sister. I think if people want to not have dinner with someone as a response to the situation, that is fine too.

But declining to eat with my sister and the guy, at that time in her life, TO ME, was not the right response.*

 

[TheRiver]

*I don’t think we can judge why someone wouldn’t want to have their children around an adulterous couple. It’s their choice. But, for me, personally, having dinner with my sister and her ex lover at that time a few years ago, was my way of displaying love. We are to love everyone. Eating dinner with them, didn’t display acceptance of adultery, it displayed my love for my sister. Even the man she was with, we can choose love everytime, doesn’t mean we like the person, or the behavior.

It’s important to teach those around us who are in sin, a better way. God’s way. But, I never think shunning people conveys that. God has never shunned me, thank goodness…and He is all-loving. It’s up to the individual, but for me (adding on to my above post Monicad) this is how I personally displayed my love for my sister. I think if people want to not have dinner with someone as a response to the situation, that is fine too.

But declining to eat with my sister and the guy, at that time in her life, TO ME, was not the right response.*

Good post.

 

[MercyMia]

I agree that shunning is not Godly. I would never recommend you shun your sister…but when people act in such a harmful way there is nothing wrong with tastefully distancing yourself in order to shield your kids. Adults having dinner together is, in my opinion is fine. It is hard when you have holidays and long, drawn out intimate family time together that the hard questions start to come up and their disordered relationship might start to be a model of what kids see as acceptable. Also, your sister could visit with your kids without her new man - IF she really loves them and wants to preserve a relationship with them she will understand why you do not want them exposed to her adult dramas. I believe that we should always try and reflect God’s infinite mercy in the way we deal with the people we love…this is just a really tough spot she is putting you in.

 

[jmcrae]

Because that’s the kind of thing Jesus would do right? Alienate people.

We don’t notice Jesus socializing with sinners while they were still enjoying their sins and seeing nothing the matter with them, but rather, at the moment that they were repenting of their sins and turning their lives around.

When He called Zacchaeus to have dinner at his place, He did not grin and say, “Oh, using your authority to rob from the poor, no big deal. I won’t judge you.” No. He convinced Zacchaeus to repent of his sins, and Zacchaeus said, “You are right. I have sinned. I want to repent. Whatever I have stolen, I will restore four-fold. And I will never do it again.”

To the woman caught in adultery, He said, “Go, and sin no more.” He didn’t say, “Go ahead and do whatever feels good - I will support you.”

 

[PaulinVA]

Oh, goodness. Don’t these people read? Don’t they have any insight?

A woman who was betrayed by her husband goes out and causes another husband to betray his wife, with all the pain and suffering that will cause?

Then they both think that foundation is going to set them up for a successful marriage themselves?

I know that Jesus ate with sinners and His closeness invariably caused most people to repent of their sin. I am not Jesus. I can not cause people to repent. I would keep them away from my family, and pray for them to repent.

 

[TheRiver]

Oh, goodness. Don’t these people read? Don’t they have any insight?

A woman who was betrayed by her husband goes out and causes another husband to betray his wife, with all the pain and suffering that will cause?

Then they both think that foundation is going to set them up for a successful marriage themselves?

I know that Jesus ate with sinners and His closeness invariably caused most people to repent of their sin. I am not Jesus. I can not cause people to repent. I would keep them away from my family, and pray for them to repent.

You might as well avoid everyone then

Remember, we’ve all fallen short, so why are you pointing fingers? It doesn’t make sense. Usual contradictions as always.

 

[PaulinVA]

You might as well avoid everyone then

Remember, we’ve all fallen short, so why are you pointing fingers? It doesn’t make sense. Usual contradictions as always.

Oh, come on!

Some of us fall short, are repentant, and ask forgiveness.

Some of us fall short, jump in, wallow in the mud, and want others to jump in with us, and then tell them they are clean.

There’s a difference.

 

[whatevergirl]

*I think it’s prudent to keep kids away from the situation. But, we are called to do more than pray, I think, Paul. We are called to be the hands, feet, mouth, etc of Christ. We are called to help those in need. Sinners are sick, are they not? If others would have chosen to decline eating with my sister if they were in my shoes, that is their choice. But, it was not immoral of me to do so…I had my reasons, and my reasons were based on love. And I consistently told her that this is not God’s will for her life. The rest was indeed up to God.

However–there is nothing wrong with not having two people who are in an affair, over to one’s house for the holidays. I think that is up to the individual. I also think that I’d be speaking to my sister (if I were in the OP’s shoes) about carrying on like teenagers in love, if she brings him to the house for the holidays. If she gets offended, then she might be better suited to not come. I mean, we can show love, but as Christians that doesn’t mean we lay down as doormats for people who are clearly in sin, to walk over us.

It’s a tough situation. I pray for you OP. The right thing will come to you, keep asking Christ what to do. *

 

[whatevergirl]

Oh, come on!

Some of us fall short, are repentant, and ask forgiveness.

Some of us fall short, jump in, wallow in the mud, and want others to jump in with us, and then tell them they are clean.

There’s a difference.

*We are actually not to judge in a condemning way. Only God can do that. When we refuse to invite people into our lives who are in sin, we are in essence saying…“my love for you is conditional.” God’s love is never conditional. I know what you’re trying to say, but how you’re saying it here, it’s not coming across as you intend, I think.

No one is saying to condone sin, here. The OP clearly doesn’t accept what her sister is doing. *

 

[whatevergirl]

*Sometimes I imagine if our sins were broadcast for everyone to see. The OP clearly knows about this, because her sister has to explain where the man in her life came from, and thus, their sin is out in the open. It goes RIGHT back to when Jesus asked those who were about to stone the adulterous woman to death–if anyone is without sin, then he can be the first to throw a stone. Everyone departed. That is the quintessential example of not condemning people in sin, as humans. We are to discern, we are not to judge people as God will judge them someday.

That said, imagine if you have an addiction of an impure nature. It is sinful. Imagine others knowing about it, and refusing to have dinner with you–over it. Imagine the pain you’d feel…and would you see Christians as loving? Yes…we are to tell our brothers and sisters in Christ, when they are sinning. Often if we don’t see them changing their ways–BECAUSE THAT TOO, IS THE LOVING THING TO DO. But, it’s not to end there. That’s my humble opinion.*

 

[PaulinVA]

*We are actually not to judge in a condemning way. Only God can do that. When we refuse to invite people into our lives who are in sin, we are in essence saying…“my love for you is conditional.” God’s love is never conditional. I know what you’re trying to say, but how you’re saying it here, it’s not coming across as you intend, I think.

No one is saying to condone sin, here. The OP clearly doesn’t accept what her sister is doing. *

Well, what does unconditional love mean? I can love you and you could still be objectively and publicly wallowing in the mud of sin. What would be the loving response? My point was that the awesome power of Jesus caused people to repent on the spot. That doesn’t happen to the rest of us.

I have to say that I have absolutely no experience in these types of situations, so maybe I’m being a self-righteous (*&(%&^$.

I don’t know. I would find it hard to look past the terrible pain this person was causing others and accept her and her “friend” into my home.

 

[jmcrae]

*Sometimes I imagine if our sins were broadcast for everyone to see. The OP clearly knows about this, because her sister has to explain where the man in her life came from, and thus, their sin is out in the open. It goes RIGHT back to when Jesus asked those who were about to stone the adulterous woman to death–if anyone is without sin, then he can be the first to throw a stone. Everyone departed. *

Yes, they did. And then, did Jesus invite the woman and her boyfriend over for dinner, and treat them like a legitimate couple? No, He did not. He said to her, “Go, and sin no more.” He required her to leave her boyfriend. What did she say to him? How did she explain that she can no longer be part of his life? We don’t know. We don’t even know if that’s what she did, because the story ends with her walking away.

That said, imagine if you have an addiction of an impure nature. It is sinful. Imagine others knowing about it, and refusing to have dinner with you–over it.

 

[whatevergirl]

Yes, they did. And then, did Jesus invite the woman and her boyfriend over for dinner, and treat them like a legitimate couple? No, He did not. He said to her, “Go, and sin no more.” He required her to leave her boyfriend. What did she say to him? How did she explain that she can no longer be part of his life? We don’t know. We don’t even know if that’s what she did, because the story ends with her walking away.

I don’t disagree with you. I am not suggesting that the OP has the couple over for the holidays…but, it’s not immoral to do so. It’s not condoning sin, by doing so. But, it definitely could appear that way to the couple. Not that the sin is condoned, but that they are being accepted as a couple, so in that light, yes I agree. I don’t know what I might do as the OP, but it would not be wrong to not have them over for dinner.

Could you blame them, really? If you shook hands with someone and then found out that they had been indulging in an impure addiction just beforehand, don’t you think you would want to wash your hands? Any normal person would. It’s one thing to know in the abstract that a lot of people suffer from these addictions, but there is a definite “ick” factor if you know you are actually with someone who has that. (Which is why people tend to keep that sort of thing to themselves, I suppose.)

*I didn’t say right before meeting you. I said they have an addiction of an impure nature. (in general) I would not shun that person, no. Again, we are all sinners is my point–whatever you grapple with, might be different for me.

That said…

I think the larger point is, the couple isn’t repentant here. They see nothing wrong with what they are doing. But, my sister was in this same boat. But, as we tell people to not sin, as God would have us do, it doesn’t mean we can’t show them love. I think it’s harder to get through to someone you’re shunning. They are more apt to hearing the Truth, if they are within reach. I feel that had I shunned my sister…she might not have been willing to hear what I had to say. It was important for me to still be in her life, so I could keep helping her to see that the situation she got herself into was bad news. Might she have been enlightened on her own? I had been praying fervently for her, but I also believe we are to be Christ to others. They are to see Him shining through us. Hard to see that, if we are nowhere to be found. *

 

[jmcrae]

*I didn’t say right before meeting you. I said they have an addiction of an impure nature. (in general) I would not shun that person, no. Again, we are all sinners is my point–whatever you grapple with, might be different for me.

That said…

I think the larger point is, the couple isn’t repentant here. They see nothing wrong with what they are doing. But, my sister was in this same boat. But, as we tell people to not sin, as God would have us do, it doesn’t mean we can’t show them love. I think it’s harder to get through to someone you’re shunning. They are more apt to hearing the Truth, if they are within reach. I feel that had I shunned my sister…she might not have been willing to hear what I had to say. It was important for me to still be in her life, so I could keep helping her to see that the situation she got herself into was bad news. Might she have been enlightened on her own? I had been praying fervently for her, but I also believe we are to be Christ to others. They are to see Him shining through us. Hard to see that, if we are nowhere to be found. *

I don’t think that not treating the boyfriend as “family,” and not wanting to treat the situation as normal in front of the kids, is the same thing as “shunning.”

“Shunning” would involve telling the sister that she is no longer to be considered a member of the family. I don’t see that happening here (in fact I am seeing the opposite, where the person who is standing up for what is right is the one who is being shunned from the family; not the sister).

 

[whatevergirl]

I don’t think that not treating the boyfriend as “family,” and not wanting to treat the situation as normal in front of the kids, is the same thing as “shunning.”

“Shunning” would involve telling the sister that she is no longer to be considered a member of the family. I don’t see that happening here (in fact I am seeing the opposite, where the person who is standing up for what is right is the one who is being shunned from the family; not the sister).

(No, he shouldn’t be treated as family…nor that it’s normal in front of the kids, agreed) So…what should she do? Tell her sister she is welcome without the guy? Tell them both they are not welcome?

 

[jmcrae]

(No, he shouldn’t be treated as family…nor that it’s normal in front of the kids, agreed) So…what should she do? Tell her sister she is welcome without the guy? Tell them both they are not welcome?

If I were her, I would want to maintain a friendly relationship with the sister, without becoming friends with the boyfriend. I might say, “You know, we need some time just to have some girl talk,” or something like that. And I’d say, “You know my feelings about that guy. How’s the rest of your life going? How is [her child] doing?”