My son, husband, and football....I need some advice, please

[whatevergirl]

*Sigh

I really don’t know what to say to my son about this. Basically, in a nutshell, he has played football for 6 years, he is a sophomore in h.s., and does not want to go out for the team next year. He doesn’t need to try out, he has been ‘starting’ since we moved to Florida, but he just doesn’t want to play anymore. He is losing sleep over this. Why? Because next week begins spring ball, and he needs to decide if he will be playing. For those of you who have sons who play football, or men who have played…these are two-adays in the blazing heat here in Florida. My son said it’s not the training so much, that he minds. He likes staying in shape, etc. He said that it has to do with a) the coach/he is intimidating b) he feels that it’s not ‘getting him anywhere’ in life and finally c) he has “no life” during football season.

Okay…as far as ‘a’ goes…his coach is a terrific man. But, perhaps to the boys, he is intimidating. I know him well, my dh likes him a lot, we both feel he is of the ‘old school’ where he tries to help these boys to become young men. He is a devout Christian, and the kids pray before games. The only thing, is he is SUPER strict, to the point, where everyone is included in group punishments, even when there are kids who had nothing to do with what the coach is upset about. I don’t agree with that. The punishments often supercede the practices…where my son would come home last year, lamenting over how all they did for 3 hours, was ‘bones.’ (up and down pushup )

But, he hung in there, but his grades slipped during football. The past few months after football is over, his grades are higher. He needs to focus on his grades, he applies to colleges next year. So, in a way, I don’t find that this is ‘getting him anywhere’ either, if anything it’s taking away from the time he could be home studying. He has a lot of homework everynight, probably totaling 2 hours. By the time he gets home from football…he is dead tired…and who has the energy to do 2 hours of homework? (by the time dinner and shower is done, it’s 8pm)

All this being said…he came to me a few weeks ago, and said that he doesn’t know what to do…he doesn’t want to play. He doesn’t want to disappoint the coach or his dad, though. I said…let’s discuss with your dad.

So, fast forward to last night…my husband was not happy hearing any of this, although, it’s not ‘news’ to him. He said…‘so, if college gets to be too hard, are you going to quit that also?’ My son said nothing, just looked down. My husband said…‘you can do whatever you like, it’s your life…but there are consequences to our choices. Your coach will look at you as a quitter.’

My son said…‘Jesus died on a cross. He had a purpose. Imagine if He went through all of ‘that,’ and it didn’t do anything for anybody.’ My husband said…‘Jesus wasn’t a quitter.’ My son replied…‘He had a huge purpose for what He did, dad…there is no purpose to me playing football, except that it’s fun…sometimes.’

My husband said…‘Jesus didn’t die for Himself though. He died for you, me, your mother, and everyone…and He still didn’t quit! The trouble with you and your generation, is that unless your efforts 100% benefit you, then you feel the work you’re putting forth is not worth it.’ Alright, so my dh had a point.

My son stopped talking after that…he actually looked teary eyed. The conversation continued, but I was out of the room. I told my husband later…"he’s not you. You also were playing ball with kids you went to kindergarten with…there is a difference.’’ (plus my dh didn’t play ball in 95 degree heat) He said…‘the difference is that kids nowadays have too many distractions…too many gadgets…too many other things that give them instant gratification. Football, it is not instantly gratifying. And it takes a team to feel gratified with your own efforts. He needs to learn that life gets hard, and that when it does…you keep going, and in the end, you’re better for it.’

I drove him to school today and said…your father cares about you…he doesn’t want you to quit out of laziness, or do something you’ll regret. Once you resign from the team, you can’t take it back. He didn’t answer me–just stared ahead.

My son is a good kid…stays out of trouble…no drugs, no sex, no alcohol, good grades, loves God…I don’t want him to become so stressed out that he does something stupid. I dunno, I’m just sad about it all. I feel that if a kid is not sleeping over this, then he shouldn’t play.

My dh feels that this is part of becoming a man. Toughing out things we don’t want to do.

I said there’s a difference between not liking to do something and HATING it. My husband said he ‘hated’ two-adays…but he did it. He said he knew he wasn’t going to play college ball, but he didn’t want to be a quitter. It made him a ‘tougher’ man.

I guess.

Your thoughts, advice, insights, would be greatly appreciated. I don’t know if I should stay out of this or what??? Your prayers too are appreciated – that our son gains insight to making the right decision.*

 

[SophieG]

Hmmm…I’ll look at this from a teen’s perspective, if you don’t mind. Putting myself in your son’s place, I think he’s probably extremely stressed out by this issue. Your husband is pressuring your son not to quit, and he wants to please him, but he also doesn’t want to play football. I think you need to have a talk with your husband. While he has some good points, he is applying them wrongly to this situation.

Being a quitter would be playing for three weeks and quitting when he had to do his first push-up. Your son is not doing that–he’s played for six years! He’s reorganizing his priorities. He’s decided that playing football is not worth the lower grades and added stress.

It’s true that part of being a man is sticking out things you don’t like. That doesn’t mean you should go out of your way to find things to do that make you miserable. If the season had started, the mature thing to do would be to finish the season. But the season hasn’t started yet, so he’s not leaving his team in the lurch. Following through on commitments that turned unpleasant is not the same as making commitments you know will be unpleasant for no good reason.

Keep in mind that if your son is pressured into being on the team, his performance will probably suffer. When kids play sports (or instruments, or whatever) because their parents make them, they don’t do as well and often don’t like it.

HTH, and I hope I’m not knocking your husband too much. He sounds like he has your son’s best interests at heart and really wants to do well by him.

 

[msugeotech]

I quit HS football after my junior year. No regrets.

As far as punishments go. It’s a team thing. You win as a team, you lose as a team, you get rewarded as a team, and you get punished as a team. That’s just how it is. I played because it was fun. When it stopped being fun, I wanted out. If that classifies me as a quitter, then so be it. Your son shouldn’t feel “obligated” to play to satisfy someone else’s wishes.

If his grades fall during football season, then that might be an indicator that football is taking priority over classwork. If he’s not planning on playing in college, then the grades are what is going to earn him his scholarships, etc. His future career will be based on his academic achievements in school, not whether or not he played HS football. Nor will Christ judge him on whether or not he quit the team.

There’s alot more to life than playing football. Yeah, it’s fun while it lasts, but if he’s ready to move on, then he should. It’s not an easy decision, but one that should be reached after much discernment.

And, no, you shouldn’t stay out of it. You are his parent also, with an equal voice. If you feel he doesn’t want to play, and you support that, then you shouldn’t be silent.

I will pray for him.

 

[SMHW]

This is one of the times where there is not really a right or wrong answer. Obviously it is going to disappoint your husband and probably the coach. It sounds like your son is disappointed with himself to some degree.

My family story:
For years my son was involved in gymnastics and soccer but the time came when he just didn’t want to do it any more. But he got interested in weight training, first in PE, and then later on his own time.

If your son’s problem with football is the coach then he probably needs to figure out how to get along. But if your son’s heart is really not in football anymore then I think you need to let him drop it. (And you need to help your husband deal with it.) However if your son leaves football then he needs to replace it with something else (for his physical health and well being.) And for starters it probably needs to be a structured something else with regular class/practice times and an instructor/coach.

 

[JanetF]

I agree with Sophie on this one.

It would be different if your child was talking about quitting school…When it comes to extracurricular activities, I only request that if DD signs up for a season she plays the entire season, I don’t make her commit to playing all the way through school. Your son is making a decision pre-season. He was committed to 6 years, but now doesn’t want to play. I wouldn’t make him. I don’t think this has to do with too many gadgets and distractions, if it did he wouldn’t have played as long as he did

 

[jwashu]

Different but similar story…

My oldest son, only a kindergartner, wanted to be on the Chess team (no football yet ) I told him that would be great and fun.

About a month into it he decided he didn’t want to do it and wanted to quit. I told him that if he started something he had to finish it and thus he had to play through the semester. He did and actually got a trophy in a tournament but decided at the ended that he didn’t want to continue. So he resigned before the start of this past semester.

It sounds to me like your husband is living vicariously through your son… I say sounds because I don’t know him.

I have 4 sons and I dearly hope one or all play a lot of sports, do Student Council etc… like I did. But you know what? They might not and that’s not them being lazy, it who and what they want to be.

Like your husband though I won’t have them quit as I told my son earlier this year. But now is the time your son has to chose.

I wouldn’t let him quit once he started next year, that would be a quitter. But to decided other things are more important, like an education, than football seems pretty rational and logical to me. The stuff about Christ is totally inappropriate though, your husband should have said that you couldn’t compare the two, not use Christ’s sacrifice to guilt his son into something… at least that’s the way it reads to me. If I read it wrong, I’m sorry.

The stuff about college is also wrong, your son may be wanting to not play football so he CAN do better in college by being more prepared unless he thought he was going to get a football scholarship I guess.

Those are my thoughts, take them for what they are worth I guess.

Joe

 

[HouseArrest]

Maybe he’s outgrown football. He’s got to move on sometime. If he stops playing football, he’ll be free to pick up something else that interests him. Six years is a long time to play a sport. I also would not call it quitting. One season is the commitment for sports - you don’t agree you’ll play it for as long as it is offered.

I also don’t get the analogy of Jesus quitting. How is it letting others down if he doesn’t play football? Playing a sport is for the person playing, not anyone else. If he no longer enjoys it or doesn’t think that time, energy, and sacrifices are worth what he gets out of it, then he should stop playing.

 

[jrabs]

ahhhh Sharon, ultimately it is your son that is putting in the time and has decided it is not his passion. I also understand your hubby wants to be sure that your son is not making a hasty decision for the wrong reasons. But your son has to accept whatever the ramifications will be. We cannot always shelter our kids from those decisions and we have to stop making them for the child at some point.

If he decides down the road, he has made a bad choice, he can try to salvage it or he will have to figure out a way to just move on.

Wasn’t there something in your childhood that you quit at one point because you lost interest or such like that? There was probably someone on the sidelines very disappointed in your decision.

I kind of get where you are at, or where your husband is at.
My son was a diver on a private team. The coach was an Olympian and kids from all over the county seek the team out. It’s an honor - it’s hard work and tons of dedication.

Last year my son told me he decided not to dive anymore. What? I love being a diving mom. I thought I would be a diving mom for many years to come - spending every evening at the pool staring at the 3M platform anticipating the next perfect dive.

I mourned. I pestered my son about his decision. I even dreamed up reasons why he quit - like some older kid on the team must have bullied him. Then my very wise husband told me that I could not live through my son. It was his choice to make and I had to get over it. Funny thing is that he had no problems moving on - but I did.

We cannot shelter our children as they grow older. You need to enpower your son to make his decision and feel good about it. Football is making him sick (stressed). What kind of passion and fun makes you sick? None that I can think of.

 

[kage_ar]

Unless your son’s only way to get to college is on a football scholarship, then, he should make his own decision. (And even then, college is not a requirement for any one, your son can be a good and decent man and never set foot in a college.)

Quitting mid-season is not allowed, I agree. You make a commitment for a season. Now is the proper time to decide if football will be his HOBBY of choice next year.

This is not life and death. I’ve interviewed/hired many people, from entry level to CEOs of fortune 500 companies. Not one time has “did you every quit a high school sport” come up as a question.

IMHO, your husband’s comparing deciding not to continue football for another year of high school to Jesus death on cross is grossly unfair to the kid. If I were you, speak to your husband and have him apologize for using such a comparision.

Again, unless your son has the talent and the passion to make football his life then, your husband would be wise to let the kid pick another activity.

 

[shannyk]

WG I don’t know if it’s fair for your DH to make it seem like DS is a quitter, I mean, it’s not like he hasn’t given it a chance and really tried, on the contrary it seems that because he’s given it a chance he’s been able to come to the conclusion that he doesn’t want to put in as much time and effort as it requires. He doesn’t want to sacrifice other things. Maybe he wants to explore other extracurriculars. In the end, if he doesn’t play football and regrets it, at least it’s his choice. If he keeps playing and hates it and it’s NOT his choice, then he becomes resentful.

Having said that, I was made to stick with playing the flute even when I got sick of it in HS and wanted to do other things, and I’m glad for having the skill now but still wish I’d had the chance to explore other things that interest me more. I mean, I didn’t end up a professional flutist or even major in music in college. Eventually, I went my own direction.

Can he take a season off and revisit it next year? Maybe he will end up watching all his friends play and realize he wants to be a part of the team again?

 

[whatevergirl]

*(((jrabs))) If you were here, I’d hug you for real…your post really hits home, as well as the others–thank you to everyone.

Well, my son said last night, he wants to do baseball–but his ‘fear’ is that the football coach and the baseball coach are ‘friends,’ and that everytime he goes to baseball practice, he might run into the football coach. I said, is this man going to run your life for the next two years? Honestly. Why is he so fearful of this man?

(I have heard that he namecalls the kids if they abandon the team…his friends who have quit the team, have shared with him…the ‘p’ word has been used–I was shocked. I said he is a teacher, he has no right to call the boys that!) Maybe he needs to reflect on his coaching methods, if many boys (good players, actually) are quitting the team.

Anyways…I am going to talk to my son tonight…and tell him, if he wants to try out for baseball to go ahead, but to know that there are a lot of kids ahead of him, who played for years. I agree, I don’t believe 6 years is quitting. I don’t think my husband views it that way, he just told our son to be prepared for the coach to call him that.

I will write back to you all later–you have given me great feedback, and MUCH to digest. Thank you! *

 

[samcarter14]

Arggh. Argh. I kind of want to swat your DH on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper. Your son is making a very thoughtful decision about stopping an activity which is not benefitting him. Frankly, I am of the opinion that organized sports for kids are, 99.5% of the time, a huge waste of time and expenses. So if my son came to me with the same situtation, I’d be hugging him for making that choice!

My DH wanted to quit Little League when he was a kid; the coach was verbally abusive, DH hated the competitiveness, but his mom made him keep going so he wouldn’t be a “quitter”. It’s not like he was going to get picked by a scout that year or something; he was in JUNIOR high. To this day he resents that he wasn’t allowed to just stop playing baseball that year. When a sport ceases to be fun and challenging and fulfilling for a kid, it’s time to stop.

Being a sophomore in high school, now is the time for you son to be focusing on college–and is he going to have time and energy to study to keep his grades up where they need to be for that, if he keeps on this grueling schedule? Not likely.

Besides, he’s NOT quitting! He’s not dropping out in the middle of the year, he’s deciding, now, before the season starts, whether to sign up. THAT is a sign of maturity.

You tell him some weird anonymous person on the Internet thinks this decision should be HIS and his alone, and nobody should make him feel badly about it. Geesh.

 

[samcarter14]

*(((jrabs))) If you were here, I’d hug you for real…your post really hits home, as well as the others–thank you to everyone.

Well, my son said last night, he wants to do baseball–but his ‘fear’ is that the football coach and the baseball coach are ‘friends,’ and that everytime he goes to baseball practice, he might run into the football coach. I said, is this man going to run your life for the next two years? Honestly. Why is he so fearful of this man?

(I have heard that he namecalls the kids if they abandon the team…his friends who have quit the team, have shared with him…the ‘p’ word has been used–I was shocked. I said he is a teacher, he has no right to call the boys that!) Maybe he needs to reflect on his coaching methods, if many boys (good players, actually) are quitting the team.

Anyways…I am going to talk to my son tonight…and tell him, if he wants to try out for baseball to go ahead, but to know that there are a lot of kids ahead of him, who played for years. I agree, I don’t believe 6 years is quitting. I don’t think my husband views it that way, he just told our son to be prepared for the coach to call him that.

I will write back to you all later–you have given me great feedback, and MUCH to digest. Thank you! *

If the coach is taunting the kids, and he is in fact a teacher, this needs to be brought to the attention of the principal. I’m serious. Nobody should be “afraid” of an authority figure that way, that’s kind of scary. Good for your kid.

 

[whatevergirl]

Unless your son’s only way to get to college is on a football scholarship, then, he should make his own decision. (And even then, college is not a requirement for any one, your son can be a good and decent man and never set foot in a college.)

Quitting mid-season is not allowed, I agree. You make a commitment for a season. Now is the proper time to decide if football will be his HOBBY of choice next year.

This is not life and death. I’ve interviewed/hired many people, from entry level to CEOs of fortune 500 companies. Not one time has “did you every quit a high school sport” come up as a question.

IMHO, your husband’s comparing deciding not to continue football for another year of high school to Jesus death on cross is grossly unfair to the kid. If I were you, speak to your husband and have him apologize for using such a comparision.

Again, unless your son has the talent and the passion to make football his life then, your husband would be wise to let the kid pick another activity.

Hi there;
*
Actually, my son brought up that analogy with Jesus. I thought the conversation was going way off the beaten path, when that started. My dh was simply trying to say that Jesus didn’t quit His mission…but, comparing the two, is like comparing an apple and a plum…I agree.

My husband really tries to understand the kids…I think he is mouring, like jrabs said. He looks at our son with so much potential, athletic potential…he is very talented. Which makes my husband doubly sad. I dunno. I’m not a man, maybe this is a man thing. I don’t know. But, my husband rarely cries, but cries during Rudy. Hopefully, he won’t read this on here…lol But, he does. There is something about playing football, that he just loves our son to do…loves the bonding time he has with our son…I think like jrabs said…he is going through some anger, because he knows he will mourn this.

I look at it like…if you REALLY dislike being on the team (he likes being on the team, just dislikes the practices, and the time it takes to devote to it) then, leave it.

Here’s something I plan to bring up to my husband tonight…he is off today, he can’t escape me. lol I’m going to remind him that when we first moved here, our son said…I’ll play for two years, and if I don’t want to do it, then I’m done…My husband said, that would be a good effort. Well, our son started both years, and so that kept him motivated. I don’t know if he’ll start on varsity, so now, he isn’t as interested. See, I think that it’s not just a kid who dislikes it…I think what kept him motivated was starting.

Agh, and people think teen girls are tough to understand. *

 

[Cristiano]

It looks like your son has been thinking this through and probably he is reaching the burn out stage. I think that today’s kids have way too much pressure from extracurricular activities. from the way you described the situation he appears to be addressing the topic in a mature way and he is not having knee jerk reactions. Maybe it is time for him to quit.

Your husband reaction is normal for an All American Dad, but it is not the best one at this point. Obviously he has concerns and he should express them only after he makes sure that your son feels that he has been heard. Such concerns must have practical implications concerning your son well being (e.g. possibility of a college scholarship), and he should avoid calling him a quitter because if the kid is a quitter it is the father’s fault and not the boy’s one. It is possible that your husband has a lot of his own emotions riding on this and he should share them with you instead of reacting to them in front of your son.

Remember that stupidity is repeating the same action over and over and expecting different results. Maybe this is the way your son sees football right now. He sees a lot of pressure, no social life, lower school grades, nothing concrete in return, no purpose, and he understands that things will not change by going on with the same approach. He is not stupid, and unless you guys show him something different he will not change his opinion. It is very well possible that he will keep playing just out of duty and obedience, but he will loose a lot of respect for those words if they appear to be driven by stupidity.

You and your husband should keep talking to him and keep challenging some of his assumptions. Look for change in other directions, that might release the stress. I apologize if it looks like I am putting down your husband but it takes an overbearing father to spot another one. You husband his doing really well in being open to discussions and he should realize that he can build on the father-son relationship through other activities.

By the way the coach is acting like an idiot if he treats the kids in the way that you described, because he does not recognize their dignity. As a catholic family you guys should know that dignity is given to us by God and man should not take it away. Pushing hard a student or an athlete is fine, attacking their dignity is not. I am not surprised that your son is in fear of repercussions.

 

[Em_in_FL]

((((HUGS)))) WG - your son sounds like a very mature young man. From what you’ve written he doesn’t sound like a “quitter” or a “lazy” kid at all. He sounds like someone who wants to ENJOY the things he works hard on, and football isn’t reaping the benefits of his hard work.
I would encourage him to pursue the baseball tryouts, and coach him on how to handle talking to his coaches if he is approached about dropping football. Role play some good responses, so he feels empowered. His decision isn’t right or wrong - it’s neutral - and he needs to know that. He’s not “quitting”, he’s “switching gears”, “exploring new avenues”, “opening his sports aperture”, “widening his experience”… giving him these powerful responses makes his decision something that isn’t a negative.

Good luck to him! I think having a wide breadth of sports experience can be an asset!

Prayers for you and your family!

 

[canne]

Okay. I am a Mom of a high schooler…who also is an athlete as well. He played football, basketball and is playing baseball right now…so I understand that part.My dh also is highly competitive and still competes in sports actvities-so I get that part as well. My son has always needed a bit of a push…he is naturally reserved and has always been reluctant to try new things…he never played pop warner football, this was his first experience as a high schooler with football…we insisited he try it for the season. Baseball is a different story as he has been playing since he was 4 and is the starting shortstop on the JV team…he is a freshman. Now your sons situation is quite different…he has been playing football for 6 years and it does not appear that he likes it all that much. So why is he still doing it?
Your son would be a quitter if he gave up mid season or after a week of practice…that is not the case, it is a new season and he is debating if he wants to continue down this same path.
**

• I ** found this statement from your DH quite telling*

*My husband said…‘Jesus didn’t die for Himself though. He died for you, me, your mother, and everyone…and He still didn’t quit! **The trouble with you and your generation, is that unless your efforts 100% benefit you, then you feel the work you’re putting forth is not worth it.’ ***

Alright, so my dh had a point. *
**
*I want to point out that your DH is not talking about the greater good of mankind, he is speaking about playing football. It seems to me that your son HAS put in alot of effort into this sport and after 6 years has grown tired of it. It also appears that his efforts have been for others…so maybe it is time to think for himself and explore what interests him…college is not that far away. So my question is **what is wrong with pursuing new interests? *
How does his playing football for the sake of others (namely your husband here ) benefit anyone? Wouldn’t it be more benficial for your son to explore other areas of interest? He likes to stay in shape…does he play other sports? how about wrestling or track…as long as his plan to end his football days is not in exchange for sitting around with a video controller in one hand, or texting for hours on end…which would imply that your son wants to just “hang out” and be lazy…I would let him pursue other avenues…school clubs, a different sport… .sounds like you have a great kid…I will keep you all in my prayers.

 

[whatevergirl]

If the coach is taunting the kids, and he is in fact a teacher, this needs to be brought to the attention of the principal. I’m serious. Nobody should be “afraid” of an authority figure that way, that’s kind of scary. Good for your kid.

*I agree. I don’t believe this coach taunts…but the punishments are stupid and overkill. Here’s an idea…take the kid(s) out who are causing the trouble and make THEM pay the consequences. I get the whole ‘team’ thing, but my son paying the penalty for someone else’s crime, is stupid, and partially why he has lost interest in playing on this team. He said that ‘is all we do.’ Now, I know a teen exaggerates…but, I have been to many a practice, and that is all they would be doing the last hour…punishment type drills. So, one day last year, the JV coach had them drop down quickly on CONCRETE and do these stupid drills. My dh went nuts, I went nuts…I said…whaaaaatttt??? I called the coach, the next day after I had calmed down and said…‘you know what waiver I signed? the waiver that you’re not responsible for my kid getting hurt during practice? well, that didn’t extend to putting the kids in harm’s way.’ My son started complaining of major shoulder pain over those. (try catching your body weight, so your knees don’t hit to pavement) That coach hardly said anything…I really told him what I thought.

ARGH! Ok, this is the past…breathe sharon, breathe. lol


Anyways…this is why my son has lost interest…and quite a few of his friends, too. They said…‘we can do 1000 push ups at our house haha we don’t need to do it with 20 pounds of clothing on, out in the blazing sun…listening to someone yell at us the whole time.’*

 

[Teen4Christ]

Wow…that’s crazy. It’s his life, it’s not like it’s a bad thing he’s doing, what’s the issue? Your husband wants him to be a man, correct?, isn’t part of being a man making decisions for yourself? doing what you believe is right for you(and god and your family of course, but this situation truly doesn’t effect them) It’s his choice, not his dad’s.

 

[Teen4Christ]

Also, his coach sound pretty crazy to me. I would want my son off the team.