My son, husband, and football....I need some advice, please

[whatevergirl]

While I am all for your son leaving football if that is his intention… I just want to say a word to the Moms here.

Stop applying women’s rules to a guy thing. The coach doing all that taunting is a guy thing. Using certain words may not be correct but it’s a guy thing. This is a teenage boy who is going to be junior in high school. He’s not a baby who needs to be shielded from this kind of thing by Mommy. Unless Dad is jumping in and saying, “Enough!” then it’s probably not too much.

The guy taunting stuff alone is not reason enough for the son to leave football IMO. That could be considered quitting (in they guy world.) But leaving football in order to pursue some (reasonable) other thing that is more meaningful to the son is a part of life. Trying out for baseball is certainly reasonable.

*I know I know I know…(about the sheltering comment) But, it’s very hard. What can I say? I don’t want to see him struggle…to suffer…to hurt…and perhaps, this is a crossroads for my husband and me…we have always made the decisions for our kids, as they were always too young to make them. Now, he’s 16…and frankly, if he can have a job somewhere, where most places will hire a 16 yr old parttime…then he’s old enough to make his own decisions. I guess I just realized that, reading through this thread. It’s hard to allow our kids to make their own decisions…but at the same time, he keeps looking back at us for reassurance. I think on the one hand, he’d like to continue playing…on the other…he doesn’t want to do the work anymore…he doesn’t want to deal with the coach, etc…

I appreciate your sentiments…*

 

[whatevergirl]

I’d like to share my experience, which was very different, but I feel it is worth mentioning, because hopefully it will give a glimpse of how much effect a man can have as a high school football coach:

When it came to discipline, only one coach handled it, and it wasn’t the head coach. That coach, Johnny, was our conditioning coach. He was also our most beloved coach.

Johnny always had conditioning drills for us to do after practice, and the amount of conditioning was a direct result of how hard we worked during the practice: essentially, if we were slacking off, we’d end up paying for it. The crucial difference with Johnny was that Johnny ran with us, every single time. He was accepting the punishment, because HE was part of our “family”.

Johnny knew us. He knew when we were happy, and he took part in our merriment. He knew when we were down, and he lifted us up. He knew when we were overconfident, and he took us down a couple notches. He knee when we were afraid, and he reminded us of what mettle we were made. He laughed with us, he cried with us, and there can be no doubt that he loved each one of us.

When we didn’t try our best, it was difficult to look him in the eye… we knew he always did his best for us. He wanted us to become men, to be responsible for ourselves and to pick each other up when some of us got down.

Johnny died of a heart attack during the summer before my senior year. He was in his early forties, and in amazing physical shape for a man of any age, especially his. When it happened, he was in a tree, helping a neighbor trim some of his branches. Typical Johnny, always doing for others.

I probably would have played high school football for all four years even if I had never met Johnny, but I can’t imagine what it would have been like. Even after his death, those of us who had had the privilege of being coached by him kept playing with all our hearts. Johnny preached the Gospel at all times. Very rarely did he need to use words.

*I appreciate your post…thank you. I bet you miss him. My son likes his other coaches, it’s the head coach that he dislikes…and again, I’m not sure why he is so scared of this man, to be honest. I think what you’re saying is very true of what takes place on the field…my dh said tonight, that the coach’s job is to be tough, to make the boys tough, to make them strong, otherwise they will end up getting hurt on the field.

Do feel that football shaped your life, in a positive way? I mean, if it were not for this wonderful man who touched your life…what would you have taken away from it? My husband says that it teaches discipline, etc…I can see that. I will say that it’s taught my son better time mgmt skills, and he has come away more confident …he used to be a second guesser with a lot of things, but he became less shy, more confident. *

 

[SophieG]

Would God direct a guy one way or another to play football??

He most certainly would!

 

[whatevergirl]

Whatevergirl – Have you ever seen ‘The Last Lecture’ by Randy Pausch? It has really spread all over the internet. It is the final lecture of a former Carnegie Mellon Professor that died of cancer recently. The theme is: achieving childhood dreams.

Randy Pausch grew up playing football, but wasn’t a good athlete, but he specifically relates how things learned in football helped him get to where he was in life.

The link to the lecture is here:
video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5700431505846055184

It is 44 minutes. The football specific part starts at minute 16:30 and ends around minute 20. I think it that it greatly applies to your son’s feeling on how football ‘will not get him anywhere or help him’.

The entire 44 minute lecture is extremely moving and absolutely wonderful. I highly recommend it for anyone.

To relate my personal experience with HS sports:
I personally have an old school approach to sports and other aspects of life, just like your DH. I also played sports in HS for all four years. However, their were times where I reached a crossroad and found myself in a position just like your son is in now. After careful consideration, I always decided to continue on playing the sport. I hated double sessions (two-a-days) that I would have to endure. I also had some very very tough coaches, who like your son’s coach always punished the team and even used derogatory language to put down/motivate the players. Upon graduating high school I remember how happy I was not to be playing soccer the following summer/fall and having to report to tryouts/double sessions. However, after a few weeks passed by and I heard how my former team was doing, I really missed it. I thought back to all the good times I had playing, and even some of the bad times, but the overall feeling I got was – I really missed playing and being part of the team. That being said, I think your son will experience similar sentiments when the actual season comes around, because that is what the hard work is for, and that is when it pays off. He may be relieved and happy he isn’t playing for a while, but after some time passes, he will miss football tremendously.

I also think that you should emphasize that football or any team sports for that matter is not for nothing. It will get him somewhere. Sure he may not play in college or the NFL, but the benefits of team sports indirectly affect many things in your life. Team sports, especially high level (varsity) team sports, benefit the player by teaching them: Perseverance, Team work, how to lead, how to follow direction/orders, how to handle losing, how to set goals, how to develop strategy, how to handle criticism and give criticism, as well as, teach others. (I am sure there are more things here too).

Like the others have said, it sounds like he has thought a lot about it and if he truly doesn’t want to continue, I don’t think it is fair to force him to play on and make him unhappy. If he stops football and pursues other valuable activities, that will also benefit him in the long run….but I think it should be clear he has to stick it out with the new activities that he chooses to replace football so he doesn’t have a void in his life that will eventually get filled with video games, tv, etc.

I wish you the best.

Thanks Jay! I have been meaning to pick up the book, I’m not sure what stops me…
I will have to listen to his lecture. I might do so tonight…

 

[whatevergirl]

*Jay–thank you for that link…I plan to watch the entire lecture. I watched the football part…wow…I can’t believe it. I am going to show my son this…‘experience is what you get, when you don’t get what you want.’

I can’t believe he was most comfortable on a football field!

You’re so great to post this for me, thank you. :hug1:*

 

[ChristinaM]

Hey whatevergirl, my DH and I don’t have kids yet, but I showed your post to him. I thought he could maybe relate to it. My DH played baseball for YEARS as a kid. It was basically his entire life until he was a sophomore in HS. Then he ended up playing for a coach who was a real jerk. He didn’t enjoy it anymore and so he decided to quit. He does regret it sometimes because he really loved the game…it was just the coach he couldn’t stand. (Turns out they won the state championship the next year and that mean head coach got a better job offer in a wealthy suburb. The assistant coach that DH liked better took over. So the mean guy may not be around forever!)

In your case, though, it doesn’t sound like your son has fun anymore when he is out on the field. My DH said the coach sounds really overbearing and your son seems like he has a personality that doesn’t respond well to that. Maybe it’s that he’s a sensitive kid and your DH doesn’t understand that fully. Some kids are stubborn and push back harder when they get pushed like that. Your son doesn’t sound like one of them. That kind of verbal abuse, “tough guy stuff” can be a motivator for certain personalities…but some kids just end up having their spirit crushed. He thinks that if your son doesn’t love the game any more, it is time to leave it and move on.

 

[whatevergirl]

Hey whatevergirl, my DH and I don’t have kids yet, but I showed your post to him. I thought he could maybe relate to it. My DH played baseball for YEARS as a kid. It was basically his entire life until he was a sophomore in HS. Then he ended up playing for a coach who was a real jerk. He didn’t enjoy it anymore and so he decided to quit. He does regret it sometimes because he really loved the game…it was just the coach he couldn’t stand. (Turns out they won the state championship the next year and that mean head coach got a better job offer in a wealthy suburb. The assistant coach that DH liked better took over. So the mean guy may not be around forever!)

In your case, though, it doesn’t sound like your son has fun anymore when he is out on the field. My DH said the coach sounds really overbearing and your son seems like he has a personality that doesn’t respond well to that. Maybe it’s that he’s a sensitive kid and your DH doesn’t understand that fully. Some kids are stubborn and push back harder when they get pushed like that. Your son doesn’t sound like one of them. That kind of verbal abuse, “tough guy stuff” can be a motivator for certain personalities…but some kids just end up having their spirit crushed. He thinks that if your son doesn’t love the game any more, it is time to leave it and move on.

*I appreciate you showing this to your husband…tell him thank you from whatevergirl.

That being said…I listened to some snippits of the Last Lecture that Jay sent over in a link above. I can’t help but wonder…if a) my son has lost his love for the sport or* b) just doesn’t like having to push through a brick wall, meaning work hard for this (in the Last Lecture, Randy Pausch states…‘hitting a brick wall will tell you if you want something badly enough.’)

It seems to me that if he were guaranteed to start next year, he wouldn’t be so hesitant.

I don’t know. I think your dh is right though…my son does not respond well to berating, swearing and group punishments. The teachers he does the best with, for example, are those that are motivating…offer positive feedback…he doesn’t oppose negative feedback, but he does better with positive. (don’t we all? ha)

I think that my husband ‘liked’ being rode hard by the coaches…he took it as par for the course of being on the team. My husband is a VERY strong man…and solid mentally and emotionally. I think in part, it was from his dad…but I think the football years definitely shaped him. I am grateful that he is strong like this…our son is more quiet. My son does have the build and athletic ability though…God has a sense of humor I suppose. But, if one’s head is not in it…that is what makes the difference.

I sometimes wonder if there were a different coaching team, if he would think differently. We’ll never know, I guess. Thanks for chiming in.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Well…my son is not going out for the team. My dh is okay with it…more than okay. He hugged our son just now…and told him he loves him. No matter what you choose…nothing you can do will ever cause me to not love you–know that. (I love that man)

Anyways–we’ll see what happens! He now will have to face the coach, but my husband is going to talk to him also.

Thank you for listening everyone, and for ALLLLL of your advice. I will keep you posted. *

 

[Jay82]

*Jay–thank you for that link…I plan to watch the entire lecture. I watched the football part…wow…I can’t believe it. I am going to show my son this…‘experience is what you get, when you don’t get what you want.’

I can’t believe he was most comfortable on a football field!

You’re so great to post this for me, thank you. :hug1:*

You are quite welcome. I am glad you liked it.

*Well…my son is not going out for the team. My dh is okay with it…more than okay. He hugged our son just now…and told him he loves him. No matter what you choose…nothing you can do will ever cause me to not love you–know that. (I love that man)

Anyways–we’ll see what happens! He now will have to face the coach, but my husband is going to talk to him also.

Thank you for listening everyone, and for ALLLLL of your advice. I will keep you posted. *

It sounds like he thought over his decision a while and you all talked it through. I am sure he made the right choice and is probably very happy you and your DH support him. Sometimes sports really do lose their fun and become more like ‘work’ so to speak which really makes it tough on kids. Especially those who have been playing for many years.

I think it will be important to reassure him in his decision when the football season rolls around again in the fall since I am sure their will be times that he will be home saying he misses it, even if in his mind he knows that he made the right choice.

I had a good friend in HS that was an excellent football player (started varsity as a soph) and only good at track and field (Shotput), but his heart was in track and field. After his Sophomore year he quit football to focus on Shotput. The football coaches gave him a lot of heat for ‘quitting’ and not doing both sports. Two years later he had a track scholarship to a Div1 ACC school and those same coaches only then admitted he made the right choice. A couple years after that he was an All American in shotput. Your heart has to be in something to succeed. I am sure your son will find new activities and have new experiences that will be very valuable to his development as a person, stuff he would not have been able to be involved in if he was playing football.

 

[flyingfish]

If football is having a negative impact on his grades he needs to quit. It’s just a sports game and the life lessons he can learn from it can also be learned from other activities (like say the math team or volunteering).

What if your son doesn’t get into a good college because his coach wanted him to do push ups as part of group punishments every day and took away from his ability to study.

 

[whatevergirl]

If football is having a negative impact on his grades he needs to quit. It’s just a sports game and the life lessons he can learn from it can also be learned from other activities (like say the math team or volunteering).

What if your son doesn’t get into a good college because his coach wanted him to do push ups as part of group punishments every day and took away from his ability to study.

Exactly.

My son is so happy today…like a weight has been lifted. He was so stressed…that is not good. Last night he said again how ‘crazy’ the coach is. I guess the coach shows a different side to the parents. Now, my son is afraid that the coach is going to stop him in the halls or something, and pressure him to play. My husband said…to just tell him to call him. My husband plans to call the guy today or tomorrow to let him know, and then my son will have to deal with some of it. Hopefully this will be resolved soon. Frankly, I’m tired of talking about this at home. *

 

[GratefulDad]

Exactly.

My son is so happy today…like a weight has been lifted. He was so stressed…that is not good. Last night he said again how ‘crazy’ the coach is. I guess the coach shows a different side to the parents. Now, my son is afraid that the coach is going to stop him in the halls or something, and pressure him to play. My husband said…to just tell him to call him. My husband plans to call the guy today or tomorrow to let him know, and then my son will have to deal with some of it. Hopefully this will be resolved soon. Frankly, I’m tired of talking about this at home. *

That’s pretty funny Whatevergirl that your boys out talked the Mom of the house, on a subject. I think for our Highschool children these decisions to change course are BIG ones in their little world of school, sports, relationships, etc. But being able to discern the best path for the long term and execute his decision as smooth as possible, is a real skill he’ll be able to use his whole life.

What did your DD think of all this pontification?:whacky:

 

[whatevergirl]

*LOL–My dh laughed that I discussed it here, but my son was not happy about it. He said…and I quote…‘everyone on there probably thinks I’m a baby.’

I said…no they don’t, they have kids of their own and I wanted an objective opinion.

I am excited for him. He said he would like to do community service, and possibly join a church group … to replace the time he would be playing football. He said that he just didn’t like his time ‘controlled’ by the coaches. lol Football is pretty tough, the training is insanely tough. You know that, right GD? Remember that show two-adays on mtv was filmed in your neck of the woods? It really is true to form, that show–no exaggerations, as it related to training. *

 

[dixibehr]

On the basis of your letter, it sounds to me like the father is trying to relive his high school football days through his son.

 

[whatevergirl]

On the basis of your letter, it sounds to me like the father is trying to relive his high school football days through his son.

You know, we had a real significant revealing conversation last night. My husband somewhat admitted this. He told my son…If I could trade places with you, I would. My son looked at him like he was crazy. My husband said, when you really enjoy something…and are passionate about it, you look at those coaches as just obstacles to get around.

So true.

My husband said that he still feels our son has great athletic ability, and that kids work up to playing on varsity, but he told him that it’s his decision. That he has to make it, and he is sorry for applying any pressure.

It was a tearful time last night…I think we all grew up a bit. *

 

[CatholicSam]

Thanks Jay! I have been meaning to pick up the book, I’m not sure what stops me…
I will have to listen to his lecture. I might do so tonight…

From what I’ve seen of Prof. Randy, God is (or was) not at all a part of his life–at least not his adult life. His message just seems so… hollow. The message seems to be that YOU can do whatever YOU put your mind to, and God isn’t part of the equation at all. Sigh. I pray for his soul frequently. At least now he knows the truth, and there’s no doubt he really tried his hardest in life. Thank goodness we’re all judged according to the light we have been given. If I ever -]wasted/-] spent my time reading his book, I’d definitely get it from the library instead of buying it. I just don’t have patience or time for motivational speakers who don’t give credit where credit is due (GOD!).

On a happier note, I am so happy to hear that your family has come to the conclusion of this dilemma, WG! And tell your son I don’t think he’s a baby at all! We were all standing up for him to be able to make his own, grown-up decisions! Good luck to him in his future endeavors!

 

[GratefulDad]

*LOL–My dh laughed that I discussed it here, but my son was not happy about it. He said…and I quote…‘everyone on there probably thinks I’m a baby.’

I said…no they don’t, they have kids of their own and I wanted an objective opinion.

I am excited for him. He said he would like to do community service, and possibly join a church group … to replace the time he would be playing football. He said that he just didn’t like his time ‘controlled’ by the coaches. lol Football is pretty tough, the training is insanely tough. You know that, right GD? Remember that show two-adays on mtv was filmed in your neck of the woods? It really is true to form, that show–no exaggerations, as it related to training. *

You’re right the Two-a-Days are famous around here and set a pretty high bar. I often wonder if they are to much and don’t give your body enough time to recover.

It’s funny you mention about asking for advise on CAF. I love to ask here, and even though DW can blab, to anyone she knows about family or other drama She is not sure about me posting on CAF sometimes, but I do it anyway.

Helping our children(even our 20’s something children) grow is part of parents leadership.

 

[whatevergirl]

From what I’ve seen of Prof. Randy, God is (or was) not at all a part of his life–at least not his adult life. His message just seems so… hollow. The message seems to be that YOU can do whatever YOU put your mind to, and God isn’t part of the equation at all. Sigh. I pray for his soul frequently. At least now he knows the truth, and there’s no doubt he really tried his hardest in life. Thank goodness we’re all judged according to the light we have been given. If I ever -]wasted/-] spent my time reading his book, I’d definitely get it from the library instead of buying it. I just don’t have patience or time for motivational speakers who don’t give credit where credit is due (GOD!).

Yes, I agree…I think that’s what’s been stopping me from purchasing his book. I tend to only buy inspirational type reads, that are based on God being mentioned, as a major component of the person’s life.
I think that he was a very neat man though, and it’s sad that he went so young.

On a happier note, I am so happy to hear that your family has come to the conclusion of this dilemma, WG! And tell your son I don’t think he’s a baby at all! We were all standing up for him to be able to make his own, grown-up decisions! Good luck to him in his future endeavors!

Thank you, Sam!!

 

[Jay82]

Originally Posted by CatholicSam
From what I’ve seen of Prof. Randy, God is (or was) not at all a part of his life–at least not his adult life. His message just seems so… hollow. The message seems to be that YOU can do whatever YOU put your mind to, and God isn’t part of the equation at all. Sigh. I pray for his soul frequently. At least now he knows the truth, and there’s no doubt he really tried his hardest in life. Thank goodness we’re all judged according to the light we have been given. If I ever wasted spent my time reading his book, I’d definitely get it from the library instead of buying it. I just don’t have patience or time for motivational speakers who don’t give credit where credit is due (GOD!).

Originally Posted by whatevergirl
Yes, I agree…I think that’s what’s been stopping me from purchasing his book. I tend to only buy inspirational type reads, that are based on God being mentioned, as a major component of the person’s life.
I think that he was a very neat man though, and it’s sad that he went so young.

I haven’t read the book, nor do I plan to read it. However, I do think his final lecture is definitely worth listening to, and his brings up very interesting points. Whether or not God played a small or big role in a person’s life, it doesn’t make any of their ideas or thoughts less meaningful. In general, I feel that sound principles/ideas can be applied to all facets of life regardless of one’s beliefs.

 

[CatholicSam]

I haven’t read the book, nor do I plan to read it. However, I do think his final lecture is definitely worth listening to, and his brings up very interesting points. Whether or not God played a small or big role in a person’s life, it doesn’t make any of their ideas or thoughts less meaningful. In general, I feel that sound principles/ideas can be applied to all facets of life regardless of one’s beliefs.

I agree that he has some interesting points! I enjoyed watching his lecture last year. I just wanted to warn WG (and anyone else) that if they plan to purchase/read this book, they won’t hear anything about God. And to me, that kind of defeats the purpose of a motivational book. What greater motivation can you get than to love and be loved by God Himself? I don’t avoid anything that doesn’t mention God, but when it’s a *motivational/inspirational *type thing, I don’t care for the atheistic types.