My Son told me he is Gay

[meltzerboy]

the problem with counseling is its such a secular world. Most counselors would tell me that I need to get with it and accept my sons homosexuality. I’ve been accused of discrimination in the past when asking for Catholic counselors.

But there are still Catholic or pastoral counselors who might be able to help you and your son. A good family therapist–whether Catholic or not–will NOT tell you to “get with it” but instead try to work out a plan with the two of you so that you do not have to compromise your religious and moral values. You are not obligated to accept any behavior that is counter to your Catholic beliefs in your own home. If your son decides to move out, that creates a different set of choices with regard to his behavior. A psychotherapist may be able to facilitate a meeting of the minds between you and your son on an appropriate course of action which will not alienate him from you. Usually family therapists are more outspoken than other kinds of mental health practitioners such as clinical psychologists who do individual therapy, so they may have some helpful recommendations. As others have stated, remain close to your son and love him even though you are clear about not condoning his behavior. This is often a difficult situation for religious, as well as not-so-religious, families, but it is surmountable with support.

 

[Lily0fthevalley]

coming from someone ( me ) who has gay friends, my advice to you is do nothing but tell him you love him regardless. Explain to him that over nights are not permitted in your house, you’d do the same thing if he had a girlfriend. So that way he doesn’t think you’re going against him just because he has a boyfriend.

If you push your views on him it’ll just push him away further and probably will eventually avoid you all together. Continue to do alot of prayers for him. Just remind him that Jesus still loves him. Do not go all fred phelps on him

 

[SaintPatrick333]

That assumption is false. A good counselor tries to work within the bounds of the clients religious and moral beliefs. That’s what they are trained to do. To tell you to abandon your beliefs and just accept your son would be unethical, and that person could lose their license.

What they will do is get you to talk about the kind of relationship you guys want and what you will both need from the other in order to have that. Then those things will have to be reconciled. It won’t be easy for either one of you, but if you both truly want a close and mutually beneficial relationship it will be worth the work, and at times pain.

But most psychologists “are” unethical in todays age. The same counselors who only ten fifteen years ago warned against children being raised in single parent homes because they needed a mother and father to have the right balance of masculinity and femininity to have a healthy relationship/healthy childhood. These same crocks are now saying that children will be fine if raised by two men or two women. That’s soooooo wrong! And SUCH a double standard. It’s only because of society making being gay political that every public figure is eager to jump behind it. I can imagine many of these “activist” types would probably be less than charitable if their own children came out. It’s not fair to ask a parent to accept their sons sin. If they truly love them they will not give an inch in that regard. Society calls it discrimination/bigotry/hatred yet in reality it is simply love. Pure and unpolluted love. Society has lost track of that big time.

 

[pepipop]

Petersmate, I have no advice to give, but you and your son are in my prayers.

 

[Jennet]

You can accept his homosexuality, if that is truly his orientation, without accepting the life-style he’s leading or giving approval for it.

Love your son.
Tell him that if he wants you to respect his beliefs (by respect I mean agree that it’s his free choice to live whatever lifestyle he chooses, which it is), then he must respect your beliefs and your household rules.

Amen to both of these.

God loves your son and the Church does not denounce him, nor his orientation, nor even his love for another man… It is only *acting *upon his lusts that would be sinful.

My advice would be to make him and his friend both welcome in your home, but ask that they honour your rules by abstaining from any sexual behaviour or inappropriate comments. Love your son dearly and make sure he knows it. Make sure he knows that he is some terrible disappointment to you too, as many children are driven deeper into unfortunate lifestyle choices in hope of finding the acceptance they don’t feel they have at home.

May God bless you all. I am praying for your family.

 

[Petersmate]

Petersmate, I have no advice to give, but you and your son are in my prayers.

Thank you. Thats a wonderful thing your doing. God Bless you.

 

[Petersmate]

May God bless you all. I am praying for your family.

Thank you. You just don’t know how much I appreciate that.

 

[BListon]

OK. I am a very traditional Catholic come from a large Catholic family and these days am a single dad due to Divorce. I simply not sure what to do with my eldest son who told me last Christmas day that he is Gay. From enquiries I’ve made so far some say I have to change him and others say let him be what he is he is born that way just let him be. Then i have the issue of him bringing his boyfriend over and him wanting his boyfriend to sleepover. At the same time I’m trying to make a Catholic home the best way I can and have this moral dilema going on of you know prayer and him refusing to join in him getting very upset when I watch EWTN and the topic of homosexuality is quite often talked about on various programs. I try to keep around the home crucifixes and holy cards holy pictures and holy water. Yet somehow I have to accept his homosexual life and way. What does one do?

I sympathize with both you and your son. I USED to be attracted to other guys, as well as girls, but I knew it was something that I did not agree with. I prayed, read my Bible, and did my best NOT to act on those thoughts, and eventually they went away. Praying for you, your son, and your whole family.

God Bless:thumbsup:

Brandon

 

[Petersmate]

I sympathize with both you and your son. I USED to be attracted to other guys, as well as girls, but I knew it was something that I did not agree with. I prayed, read my Bible, and did my best NOT to act on those thoughts, and eventually they went away. Praying for you, your son, and your whole family.

God Bless:thumbsup:

Brandon

Thanks Brandon. I wish I could get my son to pray about his circumstances. He gets upset when I try to talk to him about faith and praying. Bless you for doing what you have done to deal with your situation.

 

[jazzy0710]

I speak from experience of dealing with my older Brother.

You can just grin and bear it so that you still have him in your life, or you can not accept it and then he never see you ever again.

 

[Young_Thinker]

Be careful; you don’t want to drive your son away from the Church completely.

 

[DobryKatarzyna]

I actually am in your son’s position. I am biologically female, and I usually identify as feminine, but I have been known to play with my gender identity. I am a chaste bisexual and I cross dress sometimes. I will never forget the day my parents found out. My mother was devastated and she sometimes still cries about it. My dad doesn’t like it, and he let me know in uncertain terms. Yet he also told me he loved me anyway and wanted me to be happy.

First of all, don’t think you did anything “wrong.” My parents, despite being non-religious, are somewhat traditional in their values, so they did not raise me to be this way. Some people, I think, are just born that way.

My advice is to please, please not overreact. See him as a whole person and don’t let his gay attractions or lifestyle define him. He is still your son, and he makes mistakes and has disagreements like we all do.

Another thing I would suggest is just to give him time. I used to be a hard-core atheist and I just couldn’t fathom how any decent person would reject someone for being gay. Needless to say, this caused me to hate the majority of older Catholics. But as I grew up, and even more so when I joined the Church, I started to see other people as being fully fleshed out people just like me, not caricatures. I started to realize that my 15-year-old self’s idea of perfect and all-knowing isn’t the only viewpoint out there and that you could be a decent person and gasp disagree on some things.

Anyway, underdeath the shock and the anger and the conservatism that used to make me cringe, I see someone who loves his son very, very much and wants nothing but the best. It must tear you apart to me going through this. Anyway, maybe your son is being rebellious, maybe he hates you right now, but he WILL come around as he grows. He will see you as a whole person with real concerns and real love, and not just some jerk that wants to rain on his parade.

 

[twoangels]

OK. I am a very traditional Catholic come from a large Catholic family and these days am a single dad due to Divorce. I simply not sure what to do with my eldest son who told me last Christmas day that he is Gay. From enquiries I’ve made so far some say I have to change him and others say let him be what he is he is born that way just let him be. Then i have the issue of him bringing his boyfriend over and him wanting his boyfriend to sleepover. At the same time I’m trying to make a Catholic home the best way I can and have this moral dilema going on of you know prayer and him refusing to join in him getting very upset when I watch EWTN and the topic of homosexuality is quite often talked about on various programs. I try to keep around the home crucifixes and holy cards holy pictures and holy water. Yet somehow I have to accept his homosexual life and way. What does one do?

As an adult, he has his own life to live. You should pray for him and love him unconditionally. Avoid trying to control him. Trust in God’s grace and mercy. So long as we are alive, conversion is possible. Never despair on that.

It is perfectly ok for you to establish rules in the house about sleeping arrangements. Not wanting the boyfriend to sleep over is perfectly within your right. You do not have to offer your home to anyone, even your son. It is your sons right to stay in a hotel room with his boyfriend. I would assure him constantly of your unconditional love for him but also ask for his unconditional love for you as well. The two of you are in moral disagreement and live your lives vitally differently. You have two different value systems. He thinks you do things that are immoral (disapprove of homosexuality, etc) and you think he does things that are immoral. This is a situation where you have to agree to disagree and let your love for each other surpass your disagreements. Love does not mean agreeing with each other or approving of everything our loved ones do.

If this makes him upset, it is his right to reject you. He may think his rejection is your reaction but it is not.

 

[Petersmate]

I actually am in your son’s position. I am biologically female, and I usually identify as feminine, but I have been known to play with my gender identity. I am a chaste bisexual and I cross dress sometimes. I will never forget the day my parents found out. My mother was devastated and she sometimes still cries about it. My dad doesn’t like it, and he let me know in uncertain terms. Yet he also told me he loved me anyway and wanted me to be happy.

First of all, don’t think you did anything “wrong.” My parents, despite being non-religious, are somewhat traditional in their values, so they did not raise me to be this way. Some people, I think, are just born that way.

My advice is to please, please not overreact. See him as a whole person and don’t let his gay attractions or lifestyle define him. He is still your son, and he makes mistakes and has disagreements like we all do.

Another thing I would suggest is just to give him time. I used to be a hard-core atheist and I just couldn’t fathom how any decent person would reject someone for being gay. Needless to say, this caused me to hate the majority of older Catholics. But as I grew up, and even more so when I joined the Church, I started to see other people as being fully fleshed out people just like me, not caricatures. I started to realize that my 15-year-old self’s idea of perfect and all-knowing isn’t the only viewpoint out there and that you could be a decent person and gasp disagree on some things.

Anyway, underdeath the shock and the anger and the conservatism that used to make me cringe, I see someone who loves his son very, very much and wants nothing but the best. It must tear you apart to me going through this. Anyway, maybe your son is being rebellious, maybe he hates you right now, but he WILL come around as he grows. He will see you as a whole person with real concerns and real love, and not just some jerk that wants to rain on his parade.

Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut. Tearing me apart is an understatement. You know all I want to do is what God wants me to do and the Catholic church does not seem to be clear on the whole issue of Homosexuality. What is expected of me from the Church. Should I be doing something or should I just let things go.

 

[Petersmate]

If this makes him upset, it is his right to reject you. He may think his rejection is your reaction but it is not.

Well see his siblings are very supportive of him and when I come down to heavy on him who knows how they will react

 

[Bix]

I will keep you and your son in my prayers.

My dearest friend is a gay, Catholic man. I would suggest the same as many here. Let him know you love him regardless. Let him know this doesn’t change your love of him.

As others have said - having a guest over to spend the night is a no, but the rule would be the same if it were a girl.

To the best of my knowledge, being gay is not a sin. Acting on these feelings are sinful, but who here is not a sinner? He could simply be conflicted and sort things out differently down the road, but either way he needs to know he has his family and a support system if ever he needs help. I don’t mean supporting his lifestyle, but accepting and loving him all the same.

There could be a hundred reasons for his anger. Basically, I wouldn’t push. I would let him know you’re available if he ever wants or needs to talk about anything and of course, pray, pray, pray.

God Bless~

 

[Et_Cetera]

Let your son know that you love him for who he is. Don’t make him feel ashamed. Accept him and try to shield him from harm. I’m not personally Catholic at this time, and I don’t know if this goes against Church teaching, but I believe that one is born gay. I am accepting of homosexuality. I have two very close gay friends, and I hate when others criticize or judge them for it because the comments are very hurtful. Don’t let this define him for you, and don’t try to change him. You might drive him away, and years down the line you will find yourself very disappointed that you did so.

 

[DobryKatarzyna]

@Petersmate

Glad to help!

You can express your opinion when the issue comes up. Say “You already know how I feel” if you don’t feel like repeating yourself. Overnight stays are an obvious no, regardless of the gender of the partner. Other than that, there is not much you can do that’s concrete.

It might seem lame, but have you tried talking to him seriously and getting his point of view? I’m not asking you to agree with him, but taking that time to know what’s going through his head fosters good will. It IS possible, with mutal respect, to agree to disagree and still have a good relationship.

As far as his siblings are concerned, I suggest that you just keep it between you and your son. Don’t involve them if possible. I assume you don’t allow any of your kids to sleep with their SOs in your house, so I don’t see a conflict there.

The US CC says that homosexuality is not a sin it itself. It’s only a sin if you act on those feelings. The same applies to ANY extramarital sex. Is he aware of this distinction? Is he aware of alternative lifestyle options, like consecrated single life? I’m seriously considering it, I’ve been single my whole life so far and I love it.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut. Tearing me apart is an understatement. You know all I want to do is what God wants me to do and the Catholic church does not seem to be clear on the whole issue of Homosexuality. What is expected of me from the Church. Should I be doing something or should I just let things go.

What exactly do you imagine that you even COULD do? I ask that in all kindness…What really can you do?

The Church is 100% clear on the issue of same sex attraction/homosexuality. The attraction is not the sin. Acting on the attraction causes the sin. People with same sex attraction are called to be chaste. We are to treat them with charity. We do not have to approve of what they do, if they are not living a chaste life.

You love your son, that’s obvious. Keep loving him. Set boundaries so that if he chooses to act out his attractions, you are not giving him approval. As others have said, if he had a girlfriend, you would not allow HER to spend the night either.

I will include you in my prayers. Take heart, he isn’t dead! Just misguided. Many people have successfully handled this attraction, whether being able to leave it behind completely, or just not act on it.

There is a group called “Courage,” and I think their parents’ group is called “Encourage.” Check it out.

EnCourage

 

[Dakota_Roberts]

OK. I am a very traditional Catholic come from a large Catholic family and these days am a single dad due to Divorce. I simply not sure what to do with my eldest son who told me last Christmas day that he is Gay. From enquiries I’ve made so far some say I have to change him and others say let him be what he is he is born that way just let him be. Then i have the issue of him bringing his boyfriend over and him wanting his boyfriend to sleepover. At the same time I’m trying to make a Catholic home the best way I can and have this moral dilema going on of you know prayer and him refusing to join in him getting very upset when I watch EWTN and the topic of homosexuality is quite often talked about on various programs. I try to keep around the home crucifixes and holy cards holy pictures and holy water. Yet somehow I have to accept his homosexual life and way. What does one do?

Don’t suggest reparative therapy, you’ll lose him. Inform him that his friend can’t sleep over and that if he had a girlfriend mutatis mutandis. If you invite his friend over for dinner he may see this as a peace offering.