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bben15
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I would make her go to all of the classes, but you may not force her to receive Chrismation. She must know what she is receiving, but it is her choice whether to receive the sacrament or not.
However, please tread carefully. If you do anything to make her mad, then she might just leave Catholicism. I’ve seen people who have become strong opponents of religion because of parents going against the children’s wishes and forcing their beliefs upon them. Act as sort of a referee. Make her complete the classes, and allow her to make the journey on her own.
However, please tread carefully. If you do anything to make her mad, then she might just leave Catholicism. I’ve seen people who have become strong opponents of religion because of parents going against the children’s wishes and forcing their beliefs upon them. Act as sort of a referee. Make her complete the classes, and allow her to make the journey on her own.
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Ann_Pers
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Thank you for all the wonderful replies! The things that “disgust her” are mainly points on gay marriage, homosexuality and abortion. She calls herself an “alley” of gay rights and believes strongly that there is nothing wrong with it. She also believes abortion should be legal. She says the catholic church has no more authority than any other church/religion claiming to be right and that she doesn’t accept things because she was born into them…
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bben15
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If I was a parent, that would be a real stab in the back for me. Someone must have plagued her mind to think those things. I sympathize with you. 
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Ann_Pers
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It is and when she first started expressing these views I was shocked. When I expressed my shock it turned into an argument about how I can’t expect her to believe the things I do and how she is her own person, etc. Which a part of me admires, is that bad?If I was a parent, that would be a real stab in the back for me. Someone must have plagued her mind to think those things. I sympathize with you.
She also denies being Catholic when asked. She’ll say something along the lines of “I was raised Catholic and my family is Catholic.”
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bben15
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You don’t expect her to believe it, the Church does, and God does. Don’t get into arguments with her, as it will only strengthen her resolve to leave the Church.
If she wants to not identify herself as Catholic for now, let her. We don’t want her to feel as if she is under an iron grip. Do not take her on a guilt trip, as many parents do. Again, act as a referee, and let her know that she can make her own decision, and if she decides to not be Catholic after she completes her Confirmation classes, then you hope that she will one day return to the Church.
If she does not want to attend Mass anymore, then be respectful, and do not make her.
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Cle_GDP_10
Guest
I recommend this book by Peter Kreeft. amazon.com/Because-God-Real-Sixteen-Questions/dp/158617200X
It is excellent. The book addresses many questions that teenagers have today. Please consider buying it. Kreeft does a stupendous job.
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Ann_Pers
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Sounds like a great book, ill check it out, thanks!
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Ann_Pers
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Doesn’t that show that im “ok” with her not being Catholic, which im not? I’ve said things along these lines and she replies with something like “when am I going to decide not to be jewish? Buddhist? Muslim?” Teenagers are hard…
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bben15
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Teenagers are brats. I know.
You would in no way be implying that you are OK with her decision. However, no one ever said that you have to force your beliefs down her throat. Forcing her to go to Mass and do other things against her will will make her resent you, and the chances of her coming back to Catholicism will be dissipated. It is best to let her figure out that she will drown without the One, True Church.
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Cle_GDP_10
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I am 16 and read it recently. It was excellent. Welcome! God bless
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Gwendolen
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If it makes you feel better, I am in the same boat! The culture is completely different than when I was a teen. Gay marriage, birth control, and most dear to her, ordination of women ( we came from the Episcopal Church where we had a very beloved female priest who connected very well with her) Her godmother directs a pro-life ministry, for which she volunteers, so she has a much better understanding of abortion, although she is still quite sympathetic towards people who might feel differently than we do.
Like other posters suggested, I have not pushed her.
Just posting in sympathy…will pray for them both.
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HouseArrest
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I would be sure she knows the reason why the church stands against gay marriage and abortion. I would be sure she has a very good course on current topics. She deserves to know the truth, not some misrepresentation from the Huffington Post.
Then I would set some house rules. I do not think it is shoving religion down someone’s throat to insist they attend Mass. (After all, she is expected to attend math class every day, correct? Are we shoving math down her throat?) I, as a Catholic, could attend synagogue every week and that would not hurt me. I could sit there and be respectful. I think this is especially important if there siblings in the house.
From there I would not insist she be confirmed. Attend the classes, yes, but here is the catch - only if they are solid classes. Is her Confirmation teacher faithful? Does she know her faith? Which Confirmation materials is she using? If any part of the Confirmation class is questionable, I would pull her from them.
I think it is sad that Confirmation has been used to get kids in CCD longer. Had she been confirmed as an infant or maybe even in 8th grade, she would have already received the graces that she apparently needs now.
Then I would set some house rules. I do not think it is shoving religion down someone’s throat to insist they attend Mass. (After all, she is expected to attend math class every day, correct? Are we shoving math down her throat?) I, as a Catholic, could attend synagogue every week and that would not hurt me. I could sit there and be respectful. I think this is especially important if there siblings in the house.
From there I would not insist she be confirmed. Attend the classes, yes, but here is the catch - only if they are solid classes. Is her Confirmation teacher faithful? Does she know her faith? Which Confirmation materials is she using? If any part of the Confirmation class is questionable, I would pull her from them.
I think it is sad that Confirmation has been used to get kids in CCD longer. Had she been confirmed as an infant or maybe even in 8th grade, she would have already received the graces that she apparently needs now.
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CAROLOFTHEBELLS
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Wow, I don’t even remember thinking that deeply when I was at the age to be confirmed. And I grew up in the 60’s, seeing a war on TV. I did sort of think of myself as a flower child who would much rather be high on peace and love than on drugs (which I thought were stupid and bad for your body, thus not a “natural high”). Somehow now, it seems like a simpler time.
I guess kids today are bombared with ideas that are controversial and discussions on social media, etc., that make them face choices in belief systems that are outside of how they were raised. I never even knew about abortion until I was in college, when I started reading Ms. Magazine. Now it is an ever present issue. Interestingly enough, back then I believed abortion should be legal to avoid the botched abortions sought by desparate women who felt shame over their pregnacies. I knew the Church was against that, but it did not make me against the Church. (Eventually, as time went on and things changed, I believed abortion was an archaric practice that had no place in a society that accepts unwed mothers. )
I never, ever would have thought of saying I had a choice of my religion because I was so very proud of my family and what I came from was ME. I never questioned whether I wanted to be confirmed or not. I just did it because it was what you do. I loved it actually, it made me feel like I was growing up. I was about 15, I think.
I guess kids today are bombared with ideas that are controversial and discussions on social media, etc., that make them face choices in belief systems that are outside of how they were raised. I never even knew about abortion until I was in college, when I started reading Ms. Magazine. Now it is an ever present issue. Interestingly enough, back then I believed abortion should be legal to avoid the botched abortions sought by desparate women who felt shame over their pregnacies. I knew the Church was against that, but it did not make me against the Church. (Eventually, as time went on and things changed, I believed abortion was an archaric practice that had no place in a society that accepts unwed mothers. )
I never, ever would have thought of saying I had a choice of my religion because I was so very proud of my family and what I came from was ME. I never questioned whether I wanted to be confirmed or not. I just did it because it was what you do. I loved it actually, it made me feel like I was growing up. I was about 15, I think.
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CAROLOFTHEBELLS
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When talking about abortion, I think it makes the most sense to keep the subject within the bigger picture of the Church’s stand against the “culture of death”. Don’t know if you want to use that term. War, capital punishment, murder, euthanasia, these things all have in common the choice to take a life. Do we have the right to that choice? If not, why not? It would make for a mind bending discussion - if she is open to it.
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JRKH
Guest
It’s good that you admire your daughter. This does not mean you have to admire her current views.
The thing is that, once the initial shock has worn off…and the argument has passed…it’s time to sit down and calmly share some additional thoughts on these matters - but perhaps it’s best to take them one at a time.
For myself, I would start with the abortion issue because it is really the most clear cut.
Ask her to share her reasons for thinking it should be legal.
She’ll probably put forth the very common reasons about “choice” and “rape” and “incest” and maybe even “birth defects”.
Listen carefully to these and acknowledge that it can be a complex issue.
Then (if it were me) I’d ask her when she thinks that human life begins…
Explain scientifically that a human is a human because of the chromosomes and that is present at conception.
Ask her if human life is precious - has value - if killing an innocent human is ever OK…
Of course all of this will take a lot of time - - and likely there are books you can ask her to read on the subject - - but the thing to remember here is that your daughter is thinking and this is a very good thing. Do not try to impose your views…but do try to help her expand her understanding then pray, and trust that God will guide her.
While I don’t agree with your daughter’s views - and I am sorry that you are having to go through this - I must admire her desire to be truthful in this matter. You’ve raised a girl who possesses honor.
Something to consider in all of this is the lesson you can learn about patience. God sees this sort of behavior all the time in His children. He tries to teach them, offer them insights, guide them and they (that is, “we”) complain, ignore, refuse, and try to go our own way…
At leas that describes me pretty well.
I discovered this when I was caring for my DW with Alzheimer’s…I’d try to explain things and she just could not understand and would sometimes get angry with me. One day in prayer I thought…Good Lord, that how I have been when God would try to tell me things…I’d not understand and get mad at him and insist on my own way.
But God was patient with me - and you need to be patient with your daughter.
I hope the above helps a little
Peace
James
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SpidersfromMars
Guest
I agree with James. Maybe you could see this as a blessing in disguise - if you take this chance to discuss your faith with her now, it could mean that if she does decide to be confirmed later on, it will be with a much greater conviction that if she had simply gone through the motions to keep the peace 
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Ann_Pers
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Thanks again for more (name removed by moderator)ut, I greatly appreciate it.
I feel like I can manage the abortion talk with her as she is more of a “It’s wrong but shouldn’t be illegal as that doesn’t do anything” thinker. How would I change her mind about her high support of gay marriage and homosexuality though? I have spoken with her on this lately. I said it’s not god’s plan but it isn’t my place to judge anyone. She called me homophobic… Did I say something wrong?
I have gone to last resorts and told her that she can still be catholic and think these things, just to get her to agree to go to the classes to which she replied with, “I am not a hypocrite.”
I feel like I can manage the abortion talk with her as she is more of a “It’s wrong but shouldn’t be illegal as that doesn’t do anything” thinker. How would I change her mind about her high support of gay marriage and homosexuality though? I have spoken with her on this lately. I said it’s not god’s plan but it isn’t my place to judge anyone. She called me homophobic… Did I say something wrong?
I have gone to last resorts and told her that she can still be catholic and think these things, just to get her to agree to go to the classes to which she replied with, “I am not a hypocrite.”
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Ann_Pers
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In her point of view many of those things we do have the choice, because it is our life and we own it (according to her). She’s on the side that supports assisted suicide!
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JRKH
Guest
I’d ask her why she thinks it’s wrong…after all, the reason that certain things are illegal (like murder) IS because they are wrong…
First of all - ask her what homophobic means. A phobia is a fear. If you have a fear of gay people, then you would be homophobic. If you do not fear them…then she is incorrect in labeling you as such. Share this with her because - words have meaning and especially in such discussions as these - using the correct terms is important.
Then hopefully you can have a discussion on the real issues.
As for changing her mind on this…That’s a toughie.
I would suggest that there needs to be discussion abut why it’s not part of God’s plan. God had designed our bodies and body parts for specific purposes. In other words there is a proper order to these things. Using our bodies in ways for which they are not designed is to be not properly ordered. The Church refers to this as “dis-ordered”. Homosexual acts are not properly ordered - they are disordered.
Some acts are dangerous, unhealthy, degrading etc.
In addition such acts do not place the well being of the other as the highest good. It is not properly loving another person. Seeing heaven as the highest good.
Frankly - at present I don’t think that this - or other arguments are going to change her mind. After all, she’s 16 and they know everything.
But you can be planting seeds for the future.
sigh…
Peace
James
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