My teen doesn't want to get confirmed

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If I may…

Your daughter’s views seem to scare you. Why?

Why do *you *believe that homosexual actions are wrong? “God said so” is not an answer that’s going to satisfy your daughter, nor should it be. She is craving a real answer to her questions.

Perhaps you would be interested in the following article, from Crisis magazine, on this very set of questions:

crisismagazine.com/2013/catholic-sexual-ethics-an-unknown-treasure

Teenagers want people who are not afraid to talk directly about these questions, people who show a real interest in the answers and do not simply assume that the Church is right. If the Church is my Mother, I don’t just want her to tell me what’s right, I want her to tell me WHY it is right. “Because I said so” just won’t do.

(These sorts of questions are why I – unlike many other adults – LOVE teenagers. Teenagers ask all the right questions. If they give the wrong answers, it is usually not their fault.)
 
Oh, and for the record, I wish I hadn’t been confirmed at 14. I didn’t understand what I was doing. I would gladly have been confirmed at 20, at my college church. I’m sad that I just “went along with the crowd” when I was 14.
 
There are a lot of resources at www.loveandfidelity.org.

If you’re anything like me, you know why you believe something, it is just difficult to explain it, especially with a teenager that is already “trying” not to agree with you. You know the conversation is of utmost importance. The pressure to say exactly the right thing can be overwhelming.

Here’s one of my tricks. I read an article that says exactly what I am thinking. I just forward it on to my kids. Then we can discuss.
 
Try “What is Marriage?” by Sherif Girgis, Robert P. George, and Ryan T. Anderson. It is in the Harvard Journal of Law and Public Policy. I think what I have is the shortened, free, but still very informative version of a longer book. I got it from the Love and Fidelity Network. Email them and ask where you can get a copy. Mine was free.
 
On the gay marriage thing, I would want to ask her what she thinks about premarital sex, just to test whether the problem lies deeper. Because oftentimes, when people have a skewed belief about homosexual acts (and thus so-called marriage), often it’s because they have skewed beliefs about sex generally. Because sex is supposed in part to send a message to the partner, of being open to procreation in a context of being in a life-long bond. When this occurs out of that context, in a way it is lying to yourself and your, ahem, partner.

As for abortion: point out to her that society at its best makes laws that prohibit the taking of innocent human life. I would say I somehwat agree with her in that making abortion illegal itself will not solve the problem. We must make it illegal, yes - but we must work to provide women in the situations that lead them to the abortion clinic with the resources they need to pursue the better way. We can do that by pressing our officials to support women in crisis pregnancies, or more concretely, to volunteer for oganizations that attempt to do this, like crisis pregnancy centers, or apostolates to provide materials for underprivileged mothers like baby clothes, or toys, or baby food, or bottles. Suggest that, whatever her beliefs on the issue right now, that you and her together volunteer for one of those efforts. Young people love doing things that can make concrete differences.

This of course, might not change her mind right away. But it helps in opening doors society tried to close to her. And that’s all we can do, other than pray that she recieves the gift of faith (which only God can give, not us direct).
 
I would keep in mind that arguing homosexual marriage is wrong because sex was meant for procreation doesn’t make much sense when you consider that women who are post menopause yet single would like to be married and enjoy a loving and sexual relationship with their husband. I am one of those women and, frankly, the whole sex is meant for procreation idea is off putting to me personally and makes me feel excluded. It doesn’t take into account age, fertility, and, above all, expression of love.

Anyone can argue that sex should be an expression of love and from there it is just a hop, skip, and a jump away from, “Two people who love each other should be able to marry.”

There must be a better arguement against gay marriage than sex is for procreation. I don’t know what it is yet, but I can’t see that idea winning over someone who thinks people who love each other should marry. We don’t think it wrong for a man and a woman in their 70’s who love each other to marry and have sex!
 
I also have a 17 year old daughter, who doesn’t attend church. It got harder and harder to get her to go, especially since my husband rarely goes. She also refused confirmation, after being in Catholic school for most of her life. She says she knows all about it and isn’t ready at this point.
What strikes me as interesting is all the people who post about conversations we should have with our daughters about the faith. If I mention anything about it, she shuts down and/or goes away. I can maybe get a sentence in before it’s “I don’t want to talk right now,” or “yes, you’ve told me that a dozen times.”
I think this is fairly typical teen behavior. I’m just trying to keep the communication from totally shutting down until she becomes more mature. I see signs of it at times.
 
Honestly, OP, I would leave your daughter alone. She simply does not wanna get confirmed at that time and that’s fine. Let her do her own thing as long as it’s not entirely incriminating on you or your family. God bless.
 
CAROLOFTHEBELLS said:
I would keep in mind that arguing homosexual marriage is wrong because sex was meant for procreation doesn’t make much sense when you consider that women who are post menopause yet single would like to be married and enjoy a loving and sexual relationship with their husband. I am one of those women and, frankly, the whole sex is meant for procreation idea is off putting to me personally and makes me feel excluded. It doesn’t take into account age, fertility, and, above all, expression of love.
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I hear Ya…👍
Obviously God - has no problem with properly ordered, post menopausal sex within marriage…if He did, The nation of Israel would not have gotten started - - - and St John the Baptist would never have been conceived.

However - the “sex is for procreation” argument remains at the root of understanding the proper order and intent of the sexual act in general. Procreation is the reason that the organs exist and why the sexual drive drive is so strong in most people. Thus, the argument that “sex is for procreation” is entirely proper and sound.

This should not be construed as minimizing other aspects of our sexuality, but only to lay before us a fundamental fact upon which other facets of Church teaching on sexuality are built.

So please do not feel excluded or put off by such arguments.
Anyone can argue that sex should be an expression of love and from there it is just a hop, skip, and a jump away from, “Two people who love each other should be able to marry.”
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Agreed - Which is why the Church begins her teaching by looking at God’s natural design of our bodies - what the organs are designed to do - and then goes from there.
There must be a better argument against gay marriage than sex is for procreation. I don’t know what it is yet, but I can’t see that idea winning over someone who thinks people who love each other should marry. We don’t think it wrong for a man and a woman in their 70’s who love each other to marry and have sex!
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Agreed. The argument that sex is for procreation is just the beginning - the jumping off spot in understanding why the Church teaches as she does.

The problem with people just arguing that “two people who love each other should be able to…” is that such an argument is too broad. Should a married couple where one is a sadist and the other a masochist be thought of as normal and healthy? I certainly don’t think so.
Yet the argument “two people who love one anther should be allowed to marry” would find no problem with this arrangement.

The larger argument - of which the “sex is for procreation” is a subset - must be about what is Love in the Christian sense and in the Christian marriage. In order for marriage to be properly ordered, Love needs to be properly ordered and if love is properly ordered, then sex will be properly ordered.

Sorry to ramble…

Just some thoughts…

Peace
James
 
When is Confirmation supposed to take place?

My thoughts–
  1. I didn’t want to be confirmed at 13 either. I told my dad I didn’t understand what the whole thing was about and that I would be a hypocrite.
  2. I wanted to punish my parents and was acting out. I can say that now 40 years later without a doubt.
  3. I wanted to be my own person with my own thoughts and had a real problem with authority, but didn’t have a clue as to what I should follow-- I just knew it wasn’t what my parents did or believed.
  4. I was mad at God for giving me a difficult childhood, but now know it wasn’t Him who did and it made me stronger and more compassionate.
My dad had an unemotional talk with me and said to be confirmed now, that I will come to appreciate it and understand it later when I was an adult and that it had nothing about confirming faith.
I was confirmed. I did walk away from the Church, did my “own” thing, fell into sin and lived like that for 30 years. It was the Holy Spirit that I received at confirmation that woke me up and convicted me of my sinful life and brought me back to the Church.
Anyone who says "don’t say anything because she’ll walk right out of the Church is not looking at the whole picture. The enemy doesn’t want her to receive the Holy Spirit and to say let her find it on her own is no different than the Protestants saying infant baptism is wrong. You are the parent not her friend. You are the voice of reason she needs. She will have the seal of the Spirit of God on her that will give her a better advantage against Satan and his tricks. Without the HolySpirit she will not be empowered. Tell her about the gifts she will receive from the Holy Spirit (read 1 Corinthians).
As far as her beliefs, perhaps a friend of hers has had an abortion and is trying to reconcile with it.
Pray the Rosary and ask her to join you. God bless.
 
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