My teenage daugher

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Thanks to all who posted with comments, questions and advice.

I appreciate all of the (name removed by moderator)ut I have received.

I will go back and read each and every thought posted and I will try to reply. My time is limited on the internet with work and home responsibilities and I’m not one to spend too much time on forums. My life plate is full.

Please forgive me. I will return to this and thank you so much to all of you!

Matthew
 
We have a family friend who has a teenage son with borderline Aspergers. I think he does best when he has very specific instructions to follow. Maybe tell your daughter to pray a Hail Mary and Our Father and Glory Be when she brushes her teeth. Or try to go through the alphabet. Try a calendar with shower days noted or even a note on the mirror to brush teeth everyday. Like I said, the specific instructions seems to work best for our friends with their son.
I will keep your family in my prayers, and God Bless you for being a wonderful parent.
 
This poor thing.

I’ll say a prayer for you and your family.

Most of the advice you’ve gotten here is good.

I think she needs a therapist. This isn’t normal.
 
And yes, she is withdrawn and isolated and she does act out. She has Aspergers and also ODD as well as ADD
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. She has been like this since she was little.

Doctors and therapists have classified her as a 16 year old with a maturity and mentality of a 9 - 10 year old. She is however a little genius. Her IQ level is at 146 and she pulls honors in the most difficult subjects.

The bolded pretty much sums up the whole problem I think. A person with aspergers, not to mention ODD and ADD just likely doesn’t have the social ‘sense’ to appreciate the importance of personal hygiene.

I have a 12 yr old with Aspergers as well, and sounds just like your daughter, IQ to shame Einstein but can’t remember she needs to eat, shower, etc. That is the nature of the beast. Go back to basics like kage and leonie suggested, use visual reminders, charts, incentives etc. to help her to know what to do when.

Also, if your daughter gets any special needs services at school, they should be able to help with this kind of thing. If she sees any psychologists regularly, they should be able to point you to classes or mentoring type services. Also you could ask at the Parish office about anyone who could help your daughter one on one. Does she deal OK with her menstrual cycle? I know that has been a challenging journey with my aspie daughter…😊
 
Both of my sisters are severely autistic, and one big thing for them is scheduling and “sameness” Maybe you and your daughter can pick a time for a shower that is ONLY “showertime” every other day. Does your daughter like calenders/planners? When my sisters were a little younger, we would write it down for them so they would know that one this specific day at this specific time it was shower time.

Another thing was shampoos/soap/deodorant. They need the same one every single time. For them no other brands exist! There is NO flexibility. So maybe you could take her shopping and have her pick out the brand of toilitries herself that she wants and let her arrange them in the bathroom herself, so that she knows that they are “hers” and no one else is allowed to move it or rearrange it. (Autistic people tend to be very territorial/OCD about their things. Nothing can be out of place, or it ruins their day.) Oh, and if she’s worried about getting shampoo in her eyes, maybe you could start her with the baby shampoo that doesn’t hurt your eyes…and if she does well with that, you can see if she will try a more “adult” brand. (even if she doesn’t want to, it’s still getting her hair clean!)

This thread is full of amazing advice and I hope that things get better…

God bless!
 
If there is a Japanese grocery store in your city, you might try getting her an anime character tooth brush to jump start her motivation. You might even be able to find them on Amazon.

I agree with the other posters who suggested making it a daily “rule” that everyone in the household follows.

Sincerely,

Maria1212
 
flyingfish said:
I would take your daughter to a psychologist for a check up. Teenage girls normally care very much about their appearance and presentation, that your daughter is not even bothering to shower and brush her teeth is unusual to say the least.
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Actually it’s not. I’m (almost) 19. I forget to brush my teeth all the time, and although I try to shower 2-3 times a week, sometimes I only get into the shower on the weekend. I’ve gone 15 days without a shower. I still have the same bottle of shampoo I bought at the beginning of fall semester. Shaving is also something I tend to forget about. Sometimes i’m more self conscious about my hygiene, sometimes I’m not. My life is so crazy with school that sometimes I honestly don’t remember these things.
 
I have read the whole thread. I don’t have daughters, only sons, both of whom are grown men now. I never had trouble with them showering. They did, at least sometimes, “forget” to brush their teeth.

Perhaps your daughter is depressed, I don’t know. I’m not a doctor. She has Asperges and other stuff that can affect her.

As far as I am concerned, none of that matters. It is, quite simply, a matter of discipline. It is totally unacceptable that she does not/ will not shower, use deodorant, brush her teeth.

She is 16 years old. She is under your authority. She needs to bathe, use deodorant and brush her teeth every day. Insist on it. It seems that this has been going on for some time and you have allowed it, so it will probably be a big battle to change things. You need to do this. Regardless of whether she may change for herself in 3 or 4 years - do you really want this to continue for that length of time?
 
Some good thoughts and ideas here and it also seems that there could be a multitude of reasons for your daughter’s current behavior. Whatever your response I would just advise you reward for compliance with self-hygiene rather than punish for lack thereof. A good habit can take a long time to form (usually at least three weeks, maybe longer with her personality and history) therefore have patience and praise and reward every behavior you want to see more of. If she loves art and anime maybe you could give art supplies for every three days of cooperation (or whatever would definitely motivate her) gradually stretching that to a reward for a week’s worth of showering etc. Keep reinforcing, reinforcing, reinforcing to prevent her sliding back into unhealthy habits.

As a woman whose mom died when I was 13 I also think a loving older female presence in your daughter’s life wouldn’t go amiss whether she had these issues or not. Another thought is that because she has the emotional maturity of a 9/10 year old with the body of a young woman, lack of personal hygiene is a way for her to reject her body or not acknowledge that she has gone through puberty. It’s overwhelming for any teenager who is not also dealing with loss and grief, Asperger’s, ODD and ADD.

Ultimately hygiene is a health issue and as she is so smart you could use some graphic science/medical books showing skin diseases and bad teeth that result from a lack of hygiene. Every child/teenager I know just loves anything “yucky” and "gross"for the shock value and it could get your point across. Make sure her bed linen and clothes are also clean and changed frequently.
 
shannyk said:
The bolded pretty much sums up the whole problem I think. A person with aspergers, not to mention ODD and ADD just likely doesn’t have the social ‘sense’ to appreciate the importance of personal hygiene.

I have a 12 yr old with Aspergers as well, and sounds just like your daughter, IQ to shame Einstein but can’t remember she needs to eat, shower, etc. That is the nature of the beast. Go back to basics like kage and leonie suggested, use visual reminders, charts, incentives etc. to help her to know what to do when.

Also, if your daughter gets any special needs services at school, they should be able to help with this kind of thing. If she sees any psychologists regularly, they should be able to point you to classes or mentoring type services. Also you could ask at the Parish office about anyone who could help your daughter one on one. Does she deal OK with her menstrual cycle? I know that has been a challenging journey with my aspie daughter…😊
Click to expand...
LookingForFaith said:
Both of my sisters are severely autistic, and one big thing for them is scheduling and “sameness” Maybe you and your daughter can pick a time for a shower that is ONLY “showertime” every other day. Does your daughter like calenders/planners? When my sisters were a little younger, we would write it down for them so they would know that one this specific day at this specific time it was shower time.

Another thing was shampoos/soap/deodorant. They need the same one every single time. For them no other brands exist! There is NO flexibility. So maybe you could take her shopping and have her pick out the brand of toilitries herself that she wants and let her arrange them in the bathroom herself, so that she knows that they are “hers” and no one else is allowed to move it or rearrange it. (Autistic people tend to be very territorial/OCD about their things. Nothing can be out of place, or it ruins their day.) Oh, and if she’s worried about getting shampoo in her eyes, maybe you could start her with the baby shampoo that doesn’t hurt your eyes…and if she does well with that, you can see if she will try a more “adult” brand. (even if she doesn’t want to, it’s still getting her hair clean!)

This thread is full of amazing advice and I hope that things get better…

God bless!
Click to expand...
As a school-based Speech Therapist who has worked a lot with this population, I have to agree with these two posters. Having a schedule either written down, or a visual schedule to help her to remember to do these tasks may help quite a bit. Also, have you tried social stories with her? There is the Carol Gray institute in Michigan that can help consult with cases like this, and Carol Gray herself may write a social story herself for your daughter if you request one.

thegraycenter.org/

Good luck!
 
I am a high school special education teacher. Does your daughter have an IEP? If so, personal hygiene can and should become a goal. (I have one student who has such a goal, in addition to academic accomodations - she’s learning and physically disabled, too.)

Your daughter is battling ADD, ODD, and Asperger’s. And you’ve already been to therapists and doctors. So, yes, try the behavior chart and goal chart. Maybe see to it that she brushes her teeth after lunch at school? Could that be put on an IEP or 504? Maybe request for an emergency (re)evaluation?

Your daughter says she forgets, but couldn’t that be her way of being defiant? Defying you, defying the cultural norms of having good hygeniene, defying her dentist, etc.

I’m keeping you and your daughter in my prayers.
 
Thanks again everyone for you (name removed by moderator)ut.

I’ll try to address a few posts. For the poster who suggested the Japanese anime toothbrush character(s), I already have been down that road. She tends to play with them and get lost in her mind with the character, so that was useless.

I also purchased for her a good electric toothbrush so she doesn’t have to do the work of brushing, that didn’t work.

For a 16 year old she has nasty breath and it does not phase her.

She has been in therapy for all sorts of behaviors since she was about 4 years old. And let’s add psychiatrists to this list and also behavioral experts.

The ODD takes over every day with excusess and lies. You can label my child as a habitual liar and she’s been like this since she could talk. Calendars do not work, charts do not work, standing over her to brush her teeth does not work because it becomes confrontational and argumentative.

I don’t know if I mentioned this in my early posts, but she also has multiple personalites and voices.

She is not depressed, nor has she been clasified as such. Year after year, both therapists & phychiatrists state that there is no depression present or displayed.

She displays no remorse, no compassion, no respect and is very defiant every moment of the day. She has been like this since she was little.

She exhibited these feelings at school as well to a point where the school could not deal with her. So last summer, I sat down with her and with a very special neighbor my daughter is fond of.

This neighbor of mine is a school teacher who works with children with unusal behaviors such as my Nicole.
  • I’ll continue this because I might have maxed out the character content in this post * 😊
 
This neighbor of mine is a school teacher who works with children with unusal behaviors such as my Nicole.

Nicole wants to be an artist in animation/cartoon. I’ve always explained to her that her teachers are going to help her succedd with this profession, but if she keeps upsetting the school, they will not help her.

So when the neighbor came over to talk to her, she said the same thing “”“daddy has been saying all along”"""

Somehow the neighbor got through to Nicoles head and she made a promise to the neighbor and to me and said.

"""" I’ll show all of my teachers and counselors and therapists that I can be better and never give them a hard time and will do as they say because I want to continue on to art school… art school and college is life and my dream for me… and I want to be a famous artist “”""""

Since I know my child, I didn’t believe a word she said.

But Dear LORD Sweet Jesus, she kept her word and ever since she uttered that sentence to the neighbor and in my presence, she’s been 100% good in school and does not defy authority. The school therapists, teachers, and social workers are amazed with Nicoles change in behavior.

So, we’ve conquered one major behavior, perhaps in time she will outgrow her neglectful hygine habits as she gets older.

My little genius who blows everyone away at biology, chemistry, algebra, trigenomotry and geometry will eventually grow up and come out of this 9 - 10 year old mentality.

Many experts have told me that Nicole is a late bloomer in life. She wants to stay that little girl she was. She was on a tricycle type teenage bike with training wheels on and refused to take them off.

She discovered music such as the old rock & roll classics at the age of 14.

A good female friend of mine saw Nicole at the age of 14 on a teen bike with training wheels and she felt that enough was enough. She talked to Nicole about them and Nicole explained that she was afraid to ride the bike without the training wheels.

So, she got a wrench or something to remove the training wheels without Nicoles permission, put Nicole on the seat of the bike with 2 wheels on, showed her how to position the bike petals and her feet for take off and ever since then, Nicole has been riding her bike as a teenager should. With 2 wheels and she loves it. All this at the age of 14.

Perhaps sometimes my kid needs someone other than daddy to show her and make things clear for her. I remember my friend saying to Nicole…

“”""" kid, you can’t go on with life being fearful of everything, there are some fears you need to conquer, not for your fears to conquer your life, what are you going to do when you friends call on you to go bike riding??? So, com’on kid, get on that bike and show the world and yourself you can do it, conquer that fear! “”"""

In closing, I will be soliciting peoples help with Nicole because she listens to others more so than me. She’s attracted and clings on to adults for friendships and not her peers. I’ve asked her why and she has said numerous times that,

“”""" she likes the attention she gets from the adults, as opposed to her peers, she said they are all jerks, especially boys. All the girls talk about clothing and shoes and hair and makeup and boyfriends …and I’m not into that! “”""""""

One last thing to address. Nicole does pick out her shampoos, conditioners, soaps, body wash, toothpaste… etc… and the smells of such items do not bother her.

To all who participated, thank you for your posts and also thank you for your support.

It’s not easy being a single dad with two girls.

All my best everyone,

Matthew
 
God bless you for your dedication!

Maybe have your neighbor friend talk to Nicole about hygiene? It’s good if she can get a network of supportive people encouraging her.

Teens do take more from peers than parents, it’s just that, in your daughter’s case, she identifies peers as adults. I can relate to that. When I was a freshman in high school, my friends were all upperclassmen. I maintained the same pattern in college, until relatively recently. Even so, I’m more likely to date a man a couple years older than one my age and my friends all joke that I’m the last to be legal to drink.

About older friends, just make sure you keep an eye on her. She is probably older intellectually, but she’s still a young girl. People will take advantage of the fact that she’ll listen to them and that she’s vulnerable. Don’t give them that opportunity. Not that she shouldn’t have older friends, just make sure you know who her friends are and that she knows how to discern and protect herself.
 
You describe a lot of difficulties she’s had in her life, and difficulties you’ve had in your life. I’m sure neither you nor her feel like you are in control. She’s 16, and not really in control of anything. Honestly, the only thing kids and teenagers can control are what they* won’t* do. Sounds like her personal appearance and hygene are wha she chooses to control for herself.
 
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