My Therapist told I had moral grounds for Divorce

[PetiteFoi]

So my marriage has been suffering for a while now - namely there’s been an extreme lack of intimacy, sex, affection etc.
I’ve been married 5 years, and would say our marriage was only “good” for the first year.

My husband has basically told me he greatly resents me for past wrongs, and it has created such a wall between us that he feels no need to be intimate towards me anymore.
He’s not abusive, mean, yells, is cruel or sarcastic or plays mind games, but he just has this complete apathy as to whether I’m there or not, whether we talk or not etc.
He just really does not care, BUT says he still loves me.

We started going to a Christian therapist and have been going together, and really located the whys/wheres of his resentment, and the toll of constant rejection has had on me.

I was at a one-on-one appt with our therapist and having talked with her, she told me that if he cannot or will not work to get over this resentment and continues to abandon/neglect me, that as a Christian, she believes I could morally divorce him, as he’s purposefully not fulfilling his commitment to our marriage.

Now I still love him and as of this moment, I could forgive the 4 years of rejection and lack of loving behavior, but another 5 years of this and I feel that my resentment and, most likely, hate will start to grow as well.
I was very surprised to hear her tell me that I could divorce him and still remain biblically sound.

Thought? Opinions?

Thanks in advance,
~ PetiteFoi

 

[MaryT777]

Are you looking for a Catholic perspective?
Mary.

 

[Dorothy]

If the relationship becomes unbearable and he refuses intimacy, perhaps a priest would say you can get a divorce. A divorce would be for civil reasons,…you would be unable to re-marry unless you have legitimate grounds for annulment.

 

[Irishmom2]

Honestly, your husband may have reasons for his resentment. But he needs to work on why he doesn’t want to get past it. The problem I see is your therapist. She is not there to advise you as to what to do, or to suggest you divorce him. I think she is out of line in this instance. I think you need to find a Catholic therapist that will work with your husband more. (Would he go for private counseling for himself?) A Catholic therapist will want to help draw you closer together, not suggest you get a divorce. May God bless you and guide you.

 

[NHeath]

Talk to your priest immediately. If you have done something in the past that your husband cannot get over, confess to the priest. If the priest is told the entire story, he will have some insight.

I was told by a priest during my marriage that (and at the time my husband just said he was not interested in intimacy) but it lasted two years!!! Even though we were past the age of childbearing years, the priest said I should divorce him and there was a definite problem. (he asked a lot of personal questions first, mind you, and I would not repeat here,) but he was thorough before he said it was grounds for annulment.

I just hung in there and spent more time with kids and grandkids and read a book on the subject and remembered my vows did say “till death do we part, better or worse” and even though it was worse with feeling of depression and rejection, I offered my feelings to Jesus and eventually everything came back.

Its up to you… are you still within child bearing years?

 

[SamH]

Honestly, your husband may have reasons for his resentment. But he needs to work on why he doesn’t want to get past it. The problem I see is your therapist. She is not there to advise you as to what to do, or to suggest you divorce him. I think she is out of line in this instance. I think you need to find a Catholic therapist that will work with your husband more. (Would he go for private counseling for himself?) A Catholic therapist will want to help draw you closer together, not suggest you get a divorce. May God bless you and guide you.

I tend to agree.

Did your therapist ask to meet with you privately to help you save your marriage or to tell you to get a divorce?

 

[ellzeena]

Go to a priest you trust is wise and loving, make an appointment. You might qualify for an annulment. It’s a long process and it isn’t easy and of course it requires you take legal steps for contractual separation and divorce.

 

[Lorelei12]

I was very surprised to hear her tell me that I could divorce him and still remain biblically sound.

I am not sure what this means. What does it mean to be “biblically sound”?

The thing about marriage is that you’re still married even when the other person isn’t holding up their end of the bargain. You can civilly divorce, but unless there are grounds for annulment you’ll remain married. Do you have any children?

I know next to nothing about your situation, but I do know that a good Catholic therapist is not going to tell someone to get a divorce because her husband is neglecting their relationship. I think you need to find a new therapist and also talk to your priest. Based on what you’ve said, the advice you received is not sound Catholic advice.

 

[aemcpa]

I was very surprised to hear her tell me that I could divorce him and still remain biblically sound.

Thought? Opinions?

It’s not Biblically sound advice. It sounds like a common Protestant misinterpretation of the Lord’s words regarding the permissibility of divorce.

 

[Least]

Misery loves company, and Therapists thrive on both.

Just sayin.

 

[m134e5]

So my marriage has been suffering for a while now - namely there’s been an extreme lack of intimacy, sex, affection etc.
I’ve been married 5 years, and would say our marriage was only “good” for the first year.

My husband has basically told me he greatly resents me for past wrongs, and it has created such a wall between us that he feels no need to be intimate towards me anymore.
He’s not abusive, mean, yells, is cruel or sarcastic or plays mind games, but he just has this complete apathy as to whether I’m there or not, whether we talk or not etc.
He just really does not care, BUT says he still loves me.

We started going to a Christian therapist and have been going together, and really located the whys/wheres of his resentment, and the toll of constant rejection has had on me.

I was at a one-on-one appt with our therapist and having talked with her, she told me that if he cannot or will not work to get over this resentment and continues to abandon/neglect me, that as a Christian, she believes I could morally divorce him, as he’s purposefully not fulfilling his commitment to our marriage.

Now I still love him and as of this moment, I could forgive the 4 years of rejection and lack of loving behavior, but another 5 years of this and I feel that my resentment and, most likely, hate will start to grow as well.
I was very surprised to hear her tell me that I could divorce him and still remain biblically sound.

Thought? Opinions?

Thanks in advance,
~ PetiteFoi

Thoughts? I’m not sure you want to know my thoughts after a therapist told you that (and I’m not sure my confessor does either- I don’t have the filter I used to have). Suffice it to say that not all “Christian therapists” are good Christians or good therapists.

It sounds like there’s a trust issue on his part- and if there were past wrongs, it is important that you be considerate of this. I neither know nor need to know what those past wrongs were, but it sounds like these have deeply hurt him in a way that he is not recovering from on his own. Opening up emotionally doesn’t come naturally to most men. If there has been some past hurt, he is likely very reluctant to make himself vulnerable enough again for intimacy with you without there first being some healing in the relationship.

Your wedding vows were to love your spouse in sickness and in health- that includes physical, spiritual, and psychological/emotional sickness and health. There are moral grounds for divorce (even if an annulment will not be granted by the Church), but Marriage is a sacred union- a Sacrament, and a vocation. You need to work hard- even suffer at times- to live your vocation. Your husband needs you now more than ever. I see something called Retrouvaille advertised frequently in church bulletins. It is a weekend for those struggling in their marriages, and I have heard great things about it. I also suggest contacting your diocese’s Family Life office (hopefully they have one- I’m not sure where you are or what dioceses outside my own typically have for this situation).

Finally, consider Saint Rita. She was in a difficult marriage, but prayed fervently for her husband and he was converted. She is known as the Saint of the Impossible. Ask her intercession.

 

[PetiteFoi]

Honestly, your husband may have reasons for his resentment. But he needs to work on why he doesn’t want to get past it. The problem I see is your therapist. She is not there to advise you as to what to do, or to suggest you divorce him. I think she is out of line in this instance. I think you need to find a Catholic therapist that will work with your husband more. (Would he go for private counseling for himself?) A Catholic therapist will want to help draw you closer together, not suggest you get a divorce. May God bless you and guide you.

Well, she was asking what she said were the “tough questions” like: “What are you going to do if he can’t/won’t get over this?”
And I basically answered that I would live miserably, but as I still loved him, don’t want to leave.
She told me it was “commendable” that I wanted to stay and work on our marriage and that he for me to be able to hope in restoration, he (my husband) would have to start proving that he was actively working on righting the situation.

My husband right now is happy living the way he is - If I didn’t cause a ‘stink’ he’d be happy just going on as he’s going.
And even the fact that I clearly communicate that my emotional/physical needs aren’t being met, and the affect it’s having on me, doesn’t rouse him enough to try to change any of his behavior either…sadly.

Talk to your priest immediately. If you have done something in the past that your husband cannot get over, confess to the priest. If the priest is told the entire story, he will have some insight.

I was told by a priest during my marriage that (and at the time my husband just said he was not interested in intimacy) but it lasted two years!!! Even though we were past the age of childbearing years, the priest said I should divorce him and there was a definite problem. (he asked a lot of personal questions first, mind you, and I would not repeat here,) but he was thorough before he said it was grounds for annulment.

I just hung in there and spent more time with kids and grandkids and read a book on the subject and remembered my vows did say “till death do we part, better or worse” and even though it was worse with feeling of depression and rejection, I offered my feelings to Jesus and eventually everything came back.

Its up to you… are you still within child bearing years?

I’m 26, he’s 29 and we have a daughter (2).
Which is another reason why this is so painful, I would love to have more children.

Thoughts? I’m not sure you want to know my thoughts after a therapist told you that (and I’m not sure my confessor does either- I don’t have the filter I used to have). Suffice it to say that not all “Christian therapists” are good Christians or good therapists.

It sounds like there’s a trust issue on his part- and if there were past wrongs, it is important that you be considerate of this. I neither know nor need to know what those past wrongs were, but it sounds like these have deeply hurt him in a way that he is not recovering from on his own. Opening up emotionally doesn’t come naturally to most men. If there has been some past hurt, he is likely very reluctant to make himself vulnerable enough again for intimacy with you without there first being some healing in the relationship.

Your wedding vows were to love your spouse in sickness and in health- that includes physical, spiritual, and psychological/emotional sickness and health. There are moral grounds for divorce (even if an annulment will not be granted by the Church), but Marriage is a sacred union- a Sacrament, and a vocation. You need to work hard- even suffer at times- to live your vocation. Your husband needs you now more than ever. I see something called Retrouvaille advertised frequently in church bulletins. It is a weekend for those struggling in their marriages, and I have heard great things about it. I also suggest contacting your diocese’s Family Life office (hopefully they have one- I’m not sure where you are or what dioceses outside my own typically have for this situation).

Finally, consider Saint Rita. She was in a difficult marriage, but prayed fervently for her husband and he was converted. She is known as the Saint of the Impossible. Ask her intercession.

Our past wrongs, the thing he is saying is the cause of all the “resentment” is the fact that I really, really pushed to move when he lost his job, and move back to the same province as our family members.
Things were stressful, there was financial issues - and I was tired of trying to scrape by in a lonely city.
I figured if we were going to be poor, at least lets be poor with support!
So I pushed and prodded and yes, in the end made him move with me.

He also says I side “too much with my mother” and have done so against him.
All of these are legitimate issues that I’ve since asked forgiveness for, and am working on boundaries with my mother in our lives.
I know I caused harm here too - but it wasn’t like I was unfaithful, or lied or gambled our money…

His behavior seems to me, just such a strong response for something that I’ve already asked his forgiveness for - while he constantly hurts me though his daily rejection and neglect.

I don’t WANT to get a divorce, I’m willing to do anything to make this work, and even when I ask my husband: “What can I do, to help us?”
He shrugs and says: “I don’t know.”

And maybe that’s why she said that divorce on my side wouldn’t be a sin.

 

[Irishmom2]

I don’t WANT to get a divorce, I’m willing to do anything to make this work, and even when I ask my husband: “What can I do, to help us?”
He shrugs and says: “I don’t know.”

And maybe that’s why she said that divorce on my side wouldn’t be a sin.

I know you are in a tough place now. But what you are describing is what happens in so many more marriages than you can imagine. As you said, there was nothing like cheating or anything, but this is what many couples go through and stay married. Give your husband credit for wanting to stay married. I know it is hard, but try and hang in there.

Can you see how maybe God is calling you to be closer to Him in your life, to depend more on Him for support? Have you considered coming back to The Church if you have been away?

I know this is very hard for you. Sometimes, the thing to do is just be. Be the change you wish to see in your husband. Let him look at you and see a positive woman that wants to be there for her husband, to support him, to stick by him. But sometimes, it can’t be through words, it should be through actions and gestures only.

You have not been married that long. The first 50 years are the hardest they say. Please, put divorce and thoughts of it aside. And do not use that word to your husband. Once said, it can’t be easily taken back.

 

[polki]

No priest has the authority to tell anyone that they have “grounds for an annulment.” If they do, they are out of line.

 

[1ke]

Get a new therapist, for two reasons:

1. It is not her place to give moral counsel. That is for your pastor. And, she is clearly not giving Catholic counsel
2. She has taken sides, related to you against your husband. Therapists should be neutral in their dealings with both parties and she has taken you aside and planted seeds against your husband. That is not professional.

So, get a referral to a Catholic therapist or seek counseling with your pastor.

 

[PetiteFoi]

I know you are in a tough place now. But what you are describing is what happens in so many more marriages than you can imagine. As you said, there was nothing like cheating or anything, but this is what many couples go through and stay married. Give your husband credit for wanting to stay married. I know it is hard, but try and hang in there.

Can you see how maybe God is calling you to be closer to Him in your life, to depend more on Him for support? Have you considered coming back to The Church if you have been away?

I know this is very hard for you. Sometimes, the thing to do is just be. Be the change you wish to see in your husband. Let him look at you and see a positive woman that wants to be there for her husband, to support him, to stick by him. But sometimes, it can’t be through words, it should be through actions and gestures only.

You have not been married that long. The first 50 years are the hardest they say. Please, put divorce and thoughts of it aside. And do not use that word to your husband. Once said, it can’t be easily taken back.

Thank you so much for this post.
It’s so encouraging, and you really helped lift my spirits.
I really, really try to ‘be the change’ and work on my own behavior without expecting his behavior to change.
It just gets so discouraging sometimes, and I want to give up, or start a row or negative self-talk infiltrates.

I feel so weak sometimes when it comes to keeping my head up and happy…but I need to just keep praying and hoping it gets better, I guess.

~ PetiteFoi

 

[Irishmom2]

Get a new therapist, for two reasons:

1. It is not her place to give moral counsel. That is for your pastor. And, she is clearly not giving Catholic counsel
2. She has taken sides, related to you against your husband. Therapists should be neutral in their dealings with both parties and she has taken you aside and planted seeds against your husband. That is not professional.

So, get a referral to a Catholic therapist or seek counseling with your pastor.

See, this is where I wish CAF had like or at least agree buttons!

 

[joy0602]

With limited information, but having been married for over 2 decades, I’m going to say that it seems to me that your husband is stressed due to financial difficulties and feeling the heavy burden husbands and father’s carry to provide for their families. Add to that a sense of you siding with your mother “against” him …even if it was “just” discussing what you feel was just your financial issues.

I read a book called “Fascinating Womanhood” by Helen Andelin. It helped me tremendously to understand the marriage relationship from a man’s point of view.

 

[nodito]

Do you really think a healthy 29-year old male would be perfectly content and “happy” going the rest of his life with no marital intimacy? How can that be?

His apathy could be caused by any number of things, but if he’s not having an affair, I wouldn’t rule out depression or a medical condition that makes intercourse difficult. Maybe he’s too embarrassed to bring it up or not even aware of it himself. Is the lack of sexual intimacy the biggest issue?

As for emotional intimacy, what if you were to say to him, “I’d like to schedule a date for us. It’s important to me that we go out to dinner this Friday night and just talk with no interuptions. Will you do this for me?” What would he say? Would he just sit there all night looking at you blankly? Would he be on his phone? Would he refuse to come?

 

[m134e5]

Well, she was asking what she said were the “tough questions” like: “What are you going to do if he can’t/won’t get over this?”
And I basically answered that I would live miserably, but as I still loved him, don’t want to leave.
She told me it was “commendable” that I wanted to stay and work on our marriage and that he for me to be able to hope in restoration, he (my husband) would have to start proving that he was actively working on righting the situation.

My husband right now is happy living the way he is - If I didn’t cause a ‘stink’ he’d be happy just going on as he’s going.
And even the fact that I clearly communicate that my emotional/physical needs aren’t being met, and the affect it’s having on me, doesn’t rouse him enough to try to change any of his behavior either…sadly.

I’m 26, he’s 29 and we have a daughter (2).
Which is another reason why this is so painful, I would love to have more children.

Our past wrongs, the thing he is saying is the cause of all the “resentment” is the fact that I really, really pushed to move when he lost his job, and move back to the same province as our family members.
Things were stressful, there was financial issues - and I was tired of trying to scrape by in a lonely city.
I figured if we were going to be poor, at least lets be poor with support!
So I pushed and prodded and yes, in the end made him move with me.

He also says I side “too much with my mother” and have done so against him.
All of these are legitimate issues that I’ve since asked forgiveness for, and am working on boundaries with my mother in our lives.
I know I caused harm here too - but it wasn’t like I was unfaithful, or lied or gambled our money…

His behavior seems to me, just such a strong response for something that I’ve already asked his forgiveness for - while he constantly hurts me though his daily rejection and neglect.

I don’t WANT to get a divorce, I’m willing to do anything to make this work, and even when I ask my husband: “What can I do, to help us?”
He shrugs and says: “I don’t know.”

And maybe that’s why she said that divorce on my side wouldn’t be a sin.

Thank you for the clarification. When you mentioned past hurts, I got the impression that there had been something very serious, such as infidelity. God is calling you to love your husband (in sickness and in health- which includes spiritual and emotional well-being) as you vowed to do on your wedding day, and to pray for him. Your husband needs you now more than ever to help him grow in holiness and perhaps now the only thing you can do immediately is pray for him. I also suggest you find a Catholic counselor who deals in troubled marriages, and look into Retrouvaille as well. Most of all, you must pray for him. Ask the intercession of Saint Rita.

One more thing, RUN from the counselor who told you that you had a biblically sound reason to divorce him.