My vent about DH venting about Mass

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acadian

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Can I vent about my husband’s vent?

My DH is a cradle Catholic, as am I, and we have 2 boys ages 9 and 11. I make sure that the boys and I attend Mass every Sunday, Holy Days of Obligation, and sometimes during the week (both went with me to 6:30 am on Friday). I take the kids (and myself) to confession occasionally. DH will attend Sunday Mass if he is not working - though he will often wait until Sunday evening to attend, and then get called on a job shortly before Mass time and end up missing Mass altogether. Holy Days of Obligation - forget about those.

The parish that we belong to is a small one. The music is quite an eclectic mix. We have gospel, spirituals, classical, chants, contemporary, traditional, etc. Some of it isn’t my cup of tea, but life goes on. The choir is not the best musical talent I’ve ever heard, but it’s better than what I could do.

Today the Opening Rite seemed to take forever. We recited the Confeiteor (sp?), the Kyrie was sung (in Greek, but with what sounded like African drums on the 2nd time through) and the Gloria was sung.

Our pastor is not in any race to get through Mass. His homily is slow and deliberate. Often meaningful and thoughtful but not highly entertaining.

There is a solo/meditative music during the distribution of Holy Communion, and after everything has been put away and the priest sits back down, there is a communion hymn. Then there is a recessional after the final blessing.

After an hour and 15 minutes, DH couldn’t get out of there fast enough today. We get in the car and he exclaims, “That SUCKED!” I countered with “I thought it was awesome!”, but he continued and our 9 year old picked up his chorus - “Yeah, it was awful!” The music was terrible and too much (he liked the African drum bit). He didn’t hear/listen to/understand the homily.

You know, I thought we’re trying to raise Catholic children here. His oldest son is 30, now and attending an Assembly of God church with his [cradle catholic] wife and 5 children, because they “hated” Mass. I told him later, that if he had that reaction when he was attending Mass with his oldest son, then it was no wonder he was not practicing now. DH gives him a lot of grief for not attending a Catholic church and not baptizing his babies, but sheesh! I told him that he took the most sacred prayer the church has to offer, and told our kids that it sucked. “I wasn’t talking about the Mass. I was talking about the music. And besides an hour and 15 minutes is entirely too long.” Ever since I’ve known him, his whole family has had a preoccupation with how long Mass is. They used to go to Mass at the hospital because it had a 30 minute or less Mass on Sundays, and now they’ve discovered a parish where on Sunday evenings, there is no music and about a 90 second homily. In and out in 25-30 minutes.

Anyone with any words of wisdom to offer?
 
acadian said:
Can I vent about my husband’s vent?

My DH is a cradle Catholic, as am I, and we have 2 boys ages 9 and 11. I make sure that the boys and I attend Mass every Sunday, Holy Days of Obligation, and sometimes during the week (both went with me to 6:30 am on Friday). I take the kids (and myself) to confession occasionally. DH will attend Sunday Mass if he is not working - though he will often wait until Sunday evening to attend, and then get called on a job shortly before Mass time and end up missing Mass altogether. Holy Days of Obligation - forget about those.

The parish that we belong to is a small one. The music is quite an eclectic mix. We have gospel, spirituals, classical, chants, contemporary, traditional, etc. Some of it isn’t my cup of tea, but life goes on. The choir is not the best musical talent I’ve ever heard, but it’s better than what I could do.

Today the Opening Rite seemed to take forever. We recited the Confeiteor (sp?), the Kyrie was sung (in Greek, but with what sounded like African drums on the 2nd time through) and the Gloria was sung.

Our pastor is not in any race to get through Mass. His homily is slow and deliberate. Often meaningful and thoughtful but not highly entertaining.

There is a solo/meditative music during the distribution of Holy Communion, and after everything has been put away and the priest sits back down, there is a communion hymn. Then there is a recessional after the final blessing.

After an hour and 15 minutes, DH couldn’t get out of there fast enough today. We get in the car and he exclaims, “That SUCKED!” I countered with “I thought it was awesome!”, but he continued and our 9 year old picked up his chorus - “Yeah, it was awful!” The music was terrible and too much (he liked the African drum bit). He didn’t hear/listen to/understand the homily.

You know, I thought we’re trying to raise Catholic children here. His oldest son is 30, now and attending an Assembly of God church with his [cradle catholic] wife and 5 children, because they “hated” Mass. I told him later, that if he had that reaction when he was attending Mass with his oldest son, then it was no wonder he was not practicing now. DH gives him a lot of grief for not attending a Catholic church and not baptizing his babies, but sheesh! I told him that he took the most sacred prayer the church has to offer, and told our kids that it sucked. “I wasn’t talking about the Mass. I was talking about the music. And besides an hour and 15 minutes is entirely too long.” Ever since I’ve known him, his whole family has had a preoccupation with how long Mass is. They used to go to Mass at the hospital because it had a 30 minute or less Mass on Sundays, and now they’ve discovered a parish where on Sunday evenings, there is no music and about a 90 second homily. In and out in 25-30 minutes.

Anyone with any words of wisdom to offer?
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I’m betting I will get flamed for this post and possibly told by various other posters where exactly to go, but…

Maybe you should take the kids by yourself. That way their experience of the Mass won’t be immediately tainted by the man whom they admire most in the world and look up to. Let your husband go to the speedy Mass if he wants, as long as it’s valid. Heck, many people (myself included) advise parents to go to Mass separately if their children aren’t able to behave, so that one parent is always home with the children. How is this situation much different?

It’s time to break this cycle of “Mass is a distasteful chore that must be gotten through at breakneck speed” perpetuated by your in-laws. You are the only one who is available to instill a real love of the Mass in your children. God bless you.
 
Gotta agree with Seeker Jen. Your husband’s on his own… your responsibility is to your children and I can guarantee that they will grow to loathe mass if they hear their father say “that sucked.” Wait until they are teenagers… even the best of them with good parental examples complain - your kids will have all the ammunition they need, provided by your husband.

Go without your husband until he can keep his mouth shut afterwards. Obviously your husband needs prayers & instruction so he can appreciate why he’s at mass. It’s not about the music - it’s not about the homily - it’s about Christ’s saccrifice. Saying “that sucked” … wow… that is just so wrong. Gosh, I would be so mad if I were you. I’m going to pray for you also.
 
Acadian,

I need to second Seeker Jen’s comments.

A man who will not lead his home spiritually must accept that his wife may do something he doesn’t expect to protect the children God has given her from receiving the same poison he suffers from.

God didn’t tell you to park your spiritual insights behind your husbands, and if he wants to go to Mass just to “get it out the way”, then he can do so without endangering the souls of his children.

I applaud his son for following Christ - even if in so doing, he had to leave the One True Church to find him…

BTW, SJ, good to see your posts!!!

How are you and yours?
 
Thank you so much carol marie, seeker jen, and johnnyjoe. That is exactly along the lines I was thinking. Their religious upbringing has pretty much landed squarely in my court, anyway. I always feel funny doing something “religious” like the Advent Wreath or praying the rosary (which we are doing right now as part of a Cub Scout religious award) when DH is around. I hate that I feel that way, but he’s not likely to join us or even turn off the TV if he IS here. So I just wait until he’s not here.

Yes, I was ticked. I don’t want to come across as holier than thou, but he just doesn’t get it. Thank all of you for your prayers. I will always need them, and DH needs them, too.

God bless,

acadian
 
My take on it is to meet him where he is. After all, by your own admission, you didn’t think that liturgy was entirely awesome, even though you told your family that you did. If the kids saw the look on your face during Mass, it is altogether likely that they see the disconnect between what you say and how you act, right?

Your husband comes to Mass, so give him credit for that and encourage that. In fact, give him extra credit for going even though he does not get the gift of emotional consolation from it. Yes, I know that this is a gift unlikely to be given to those who don’t look for it, but it is a gift, all the same, a gift which makes the duty light and easy to bear. Likewise, “getting it” is a gift that not all are given. Maybe through your prayers and continued pursuit of virtue, your husband will desire to pursue that gift some day. Far stranger things have happened.

Also, don’t be so sure that he doesn’t enjoy seeing an Advent wreath in the house or hearing the Rosary said. There are a lot of people who balk at going to Mass or taking the trouble for religious observances, but later they are glad these things are there. After all, Jesus thirsts for the soul of your DH, and not just your sons. Do not let that fish off the hook so easily…and don’t forget that honey draws more flies than vinegar.

What I* would* do is to make certain that your son has contact with grown men who love their faith. A Catholic Boy Scout troop would be a good example. Taking them to help at every parish work day you can make is another. Letting them spend weekends with male relatives who’ll take them to Mass is another. If the comparison is between men in vestments or done up in plaster and their flesh and blood dad, then their dad is the one they are more likely to emulate.

Boys do not learn how to be men from their dads alone. Again, if the topic comes up, I’d speak of what these men have in terms of a gift they have been given, not something that they excel at that DH doesn’t. The idea is not to set up a competition. The idea is that the boys see and say, “Dad may not have it, but that is what I want.” If there is no competition, they won’t feel as if they have betrayed their dad for wanting for themselves what he does not want for himself.
 
acadian said:
Can I vent about my husband’s vent?

My DH is a cradle Catholic, as am I, and we have 2 boys ages 9 and 11. I make sure that the boys and I attend Mass every Sunday, Holy Days of Obligation, and sometimes during the week (both went with me to 6:30 am on Friday). I take the kids (and myself) to confession occasionally. DH will attend Sunday Mass if he is not working - though he will often wait until Sunday evening to attend, and then get called on a job shortly before Mass time and end up missing Mass altogether. Holy Days of Obligation - forget about those.

The parish that we belong to is a small one. The music is quite an eclectic mix. We have gospel, spirituals, classical, chants, contemporary, traditional, etc. Some of it isn’t my cup of tea, but life goes on. The choir is not the best musical talent I’ve ever heard, but it’s better than what I could do.

Today the Opening Rite seemed to take forever. We recited the Confeiteor (sp?), the Kyrie was sung (in Greek, but with what sounded like African drums on the 2nd time through) and the Gloria was sung.

Our pastor is not in any race to get through Mass. His homily is slow and deliberate. Often meaningful and thoughtful but not highly entertaining.

There is a solo/meditative music during the distribution of Holy Communion, and after everything has been put away and the priest sits back down, there is a communion hymn. Then there is a recessional after the final blessing.

After an hour and 15 minutes, DH couldn’t get out of there fast enough today. We get in the car and he exclaims, “That SUCKED!” I countered with “I thought it was awesome!”, but he continued and our 9 year old picked up his chorus - “Yeah, it was awful!” The music was terrible and too much (he liked the African drum bit). He didn’t hear/listen to/understand the homily.

You know, I thought we’re trying to raise Catholic children here. His oldest son is 30, now and attending an Assembly of God church with his [cradle catholic] wife and 5 children, because they “hated” Mass. I told him later, that if he had that reaction when he was attending Mass with his oldest son, then it was no wonder he was not practicing now. DH gives him a lot of grief for not attending a Catholic church and not baptizing his babies, but sheesh! I told him that he took the most sacred prayer the church has to offer, and told our kids that it sucked. “I wasn’t talking about the Mass. I was talking about the music. And besides an hour and 15 minutes is entirely too long.” Ever since I’ve known him, his whole family has had a preoccupation with how long Mass is. They used to go to Mass at the hospital because it had a 30 minute or less Mass on Sundays, and now they’ve discovered a parish where on Sunday evenings, there is no music and about a 90 second homily. In and out in 25-30 minutes.

Anyone with any words of wisdom to offer?
Click to expand...
**So his complaint is the music at the mass, and that he thought it ran too long? THis is what i gathered from the post so i hope i read it correctly.

First in response to the music, I have been to many masses where the music “sucked” and i agree that it takes away from the beauty of the mass (which is why I am so thankful for the newest Popes opinion about music at mass)…I see nothing wrong with explaining to your children why certain types of music are acceptable for mass and some are not. I don’t know that i would have said it sucked in front of mychildren so perhaps he could have expressed it in a different way.

For your husband i would suggest a book called “Why Catholics Don’t Sing” and i’ll have to post the authors name later…but this may help him with what he needs to get out of mass…**
 
Seriously, I enjoyed Mass today - except for the African drum beats. And I dont’ think my kids would have seen anything that indicated otherwise.

I will give my DH credit for coming to Mass. That’s at least as much as most of the other men we are acquainted with. He’s been slacking lately - but in general, he is there most Sundays. He also makes it possible for me to go a couple of mornings during the week, and for that I am grateful.

We are in a Cub Scout Pack that is associated with the Catholic school the kids attend, and my oldest will be moving shortly to a Boy Scout Troop that we are resurrecting. The Scoutmaster is Catholic, and I imagine that most of the boys and other leaders will be, too. However, I’m not so sure that “men who love their faith” would be an accurate description. I’m afraid there’s a lot that they aren’t learning about being a man from their Dad. He kind of views life as a spectator sport.

As for male relatives that attend Mass - there would be my dad, my 90 year old grandfather, and my husband’s sister’s husband (who attends the speed church). We are as active as we can be in our parish, but as I said it is small (many of the parishoners are elderly) and there are not a whole lot of activities. Workdays? They asked that volunteers to help take down the Christmas decorations meet in church Monday morning after 6:30 am Mass. That pretty much leaves out non-retired people. The boys are altar servers there and serve a couple of times a month. They have a fairly good rapport with our pastor.

We will continue to attend the “speed church” sometimes, as they offer a Sunday evening Mass and our parish does not. Sometimes when we have weekend Scout activities, Sunday evening is the only Mass we can make. And he will likely come with me sometimes, as he likes to see the kids serve.

Thanks for your take on the subject. You have some good ideas. Quite possibly, I’m not the only mom in the world with these issues. I will pray for my DH, and maybe fasting would help as well. I mostly deal with things with honey, but sometimes the vinegar seeps out. 😉
 
maria29 said:
**So his complaint is the music at the mass, and that he thought it ran too long? THis is what i gathered from the post so i hope i read it correctly.

First in response to the music, I have been to many masses where the music “sucked” and i agree that it takes away from the beauty of the mass (which is why I am so thankful for the newest Popes opinion about music at mass)…I see nothing wrong with explaining to your children why certain types of music are acceptable for mass and some are not. I don’t know that i would have said it sucked in front of mychildren so perhaps he could have expressed it in a different way.

For your husband i would suggest a book called “Why Catholics Don’t Sing” and i’ll have to post the authors name later…but this may help him with what he needs to get out of mass…**
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Yes, I think his biggest complaints were the music and the length of the Mass. And yes, the expression of his opinion left a lot to be desired. He didn’t say, “wow that music was really bad” He usually thinks that his opinion is fact. If he says it’s bad, then it’s bad. End of discussion.

I am thankful that we have a variety of music. I grew up loving the folk group (sorry, guys) at one parish. Be Not Afraid, Though the Mountains May Fall and others were songs that I enjoyed and still enjoy. Listening to Holy, Holy, Holy or the song about “Cherabim and Seraphim” (I can’t remember the name) clunked out on the organ at another parish was like nails on a chalkboard to my teenage ears. I can now appreciate them as being part of our Catholic heritage, but that’s been a long time in coming. So I’m thankful for the variety. But, yes, we did have a conversation today about “Amazing Grace” not being a Catholic song and not appropriate for Mass.

I’ll check out the book you suggested. He doesn’t read except in extreme emergencies, but it might give me some information to pass on to him.

And I don’t get the whole preoccupation with the length of Mass. I thought I was just weird in not really caring, but my 20-something sister attended my youngest DS’s First Communion, and she commented later about how all DH’s family could seem to talk about was how LONG it was.

Thanks for helping put things in perspective.
 
I hope this won’t make you mad, but I got a good laugh reading your post. That’s a good thing too. I really needed it.

I think it is totally hilarious that your husband’s family would actually go to Mass at the hospital because it is so short.

Seriously though, you’ve got to admire their dedication to their faith if they remain Catholic all these years even though they can’t stand Mass. Wouldn’t it be nice if there were Mass Appreciation classes just like there are Art Appreciation classes? It is just so sad that someone could be present at something as miraculous as the moment where the bread and wine become the Body and Blood of Jesus, where our Lord and Savior is in their midst, and be bored.

Still though, it’s nice that there is something keeping them coming, bored as they are.
 
I forbid all watches or anything else with a clock on it during mass. They stay at home or in the car. That goes for everyone. Child and adult alike.
 
Can you step it up a notch with your sons and their involvement in Catholic activities? Take them to pray outside an abortion clinic once a month? You’ll most likely only meet other Catholics with the few Christians. Or how about their troop volunteering at a homeless shelter. Maybe bring them to a mass at another parish in the local major city that may be known for their reverence but love for the sacrafice of the mass? Find an Opus Dei group in your area, the married members usually have a lot of children who are usually lovers of the mass (children your sons’ ages).
 
acadian;:
Ever since I’ve known him, his whole family has had a preoccupation with how long Mass is. They used to go to Mass at the hospital because it had a 30 minute or less Mass on Sundays, and now they’ve discovered a parish where on Sunday evenings, there is no music and about a 90 second homily. In and out in 25-30 minutes.

Anyone with any words of wisdom to offer?
Click to expand...
Um, are you sure we’re not married to the same man?:confused: 😛
 
If you have another parish in the area, or a hosptial Mass, by all means, let your husband go there! It is nice to be able to go to Mass as a family, but it is not required.
 
I know guys like your DH. Sometimes I feel the same as he does, but it is when the music is really bad and hymns nobody knows played so slow on piano or organ you would think its a funeral dirge. No one has enough breath to finish the sloooow lines of the hymn without breathing in the middle. I do find that using a Sunday Missal and actually participating instead of merely attending helps a lot. I notice people who do not join in the prayer and song often can’t wait to be out of there. Some times they beat the recessional. It my opinion the obligation to “attend” Mass is a clunker. It might better be an obligation to participate, but some of us older Catholics are still in that rut of just showing up is sufficient.
 
acadian said:
Can I vent about my husband’s vent?

My DH is a cradle Catholic, as am I, and we have 2 boys ages 9 and 11. I make sure that the boys and I attend Mass every Sunday, Holy Days of Obligation, and sometimes during the week (both went with me to 6:30 am on Friday). I take the kids (and myself) to confession occasionally. DH will attend Sunday Mass if he is not working - though he will often wait until Sunday evening to attend, and then get called on a job shortly before Mass time and end up missing Mass altogether. Holy Days of Obligation - forget about those.

The parish that we belong to is a small one. The music is quite an eclectic mix. We have gospel, spirituals, classical, chants, contemporary, traditional, etc. Some of it isn’t my cup of tea, but life goes on. The choir is not the best musical talent I’ve ever heard, but it’s better than what I could do.

Today the Opening Rite seemed to take forever. We recited the Confeiteor (sp?), the Kyrie was sung (in Greek, but with what sounded like African drums on the 2nd time through) and the Gloria was sung.

Our pastor is not in any race to get through Mass. His homily is slow and deliberate. Often meaningful and thoughtful but not highly entertaining.

There is a solo/meditative music during the distribution of Holy Communion, and after everything has been put away and the priest sits back down, there is a communion hymn. Then there is a recessional after the final blessing.

After an hour and 15 minutes, DH couldn’t get out of there fast enough today. We get in the car and he exclaims, “That SUCKED!” I countered with “I thought it was awesome!”, but he continued and our 9 year old picked up his chorus - “Yeah, it was awful!” The music was terrible and too much (he liked the African drum bit). He didn’t hear/listen to/understand the homily.

You know, I thought we’re trying to raise Catholic children here. His oldest son is 30, now and attending an Assembly of God church with his [cradle catholic] wife and 5 children, because they “hated” Mass. I told him later, that if he had that reaction when he was attending Mass with his oldest son, then it was no wonder he was not practicing now. DH gives him a lot of grief for not attending a Catholic church and not baptizing his babies, but sheesh! I told him that he took the most sacred prayer the church has to offer, and told our kids that it sucked. “I wasn’t talking about the Mass. I was talking about the music. And besides an hour and 15 minutes is entirely too long.” Ever since I’ve known him, his whole family has had a preoccupation with how long Mass is. They used to go to Mass at the hospital because it had a 30 minute or less Mass on Sundays, and now they’ve discovered a parish where on Sunday evenings, there is no music and about a 90 second homily. In and out in 25-30 minutes.

Anyone with any words of wisdom to offer?
Click to expand...
Wack him in the eye.
 
Maybe you can buy him a copy of ‘Christian Fatherhood: The Eight Commitments of St. Joseph’s Covenant Keepers’ by Steve Wood. I heard him on Catholic Answers once and I think this would be a good gift.

rusty
 
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