My wife constantly threatens divorce

[royal_archer]

I am so very sorry to hear this. I understand, of course.

Well, she moved in with her a family member (but didn’t disclose who) – so her rent is free. We still have a joint checking account, but that doesn’t matter, since throughout our marriage, she was only bringing in on average about $300 bucks a month.

You see, she says that in her ethnic tradition, the man pays all the bills, while the woman, if she works, keeps the money for savings, anything extra for the kids, etc. The only bill she pays for is her student loan.

So I learned to pay all the bills. I don’t agree with it, but I did it for her to please her. She did an okay, but not terrific job with keeping the house clean. And I did help with chores when asked.

In your situation, you have to keep in mind that as soon as she moves out, and it leads to divorce, the courts will likely use the date she left as the date of separation. Then any money that you make since then is yours alone. But it might depend from state to state.

I’ll keep you in prayer.

Years ago I got a big raise and she quit her job. The agreement was she would keep up the house and raise the kids. She did raise the kids but did not keep up the house. Now the kids are older and mostly independent. I lived like a “bachelor” when I was one. I have kept a steady income despite several job cuts. So I did expect her to either maintain the house to the point it is presentable or contribute financially her choice.

My parrents both worked and they basically treated the second income as discresionary and college. Mom did it primarily because she is not the sit around type. I personally like the idea of the second income being discretionary.

I don’t mind paying the bills, with direct deposit and pay online it is much easier than the good ole days. Keeping up with the chores isn’t too hard, if kept up with. A bit frustrating when they pile up for weeks and months. Well, I’m not worried about spitting a bank account since there realy isn’t one. I am more woried about her forcing a sale of the house. As well as the cost to me for maintaining a second household.

 

[StillWondering]

Well, she is Filipina, and someone made a remark about skin color…but not in a bad way. A woman, who is married to a Chaldean husband, pointed to her own white skin and then to her own baby’s and said, “Look, my baby turned out white like me.” My wife took that as her insinuating that to be white is superior–which I think is crazy, because she is married to an Arab!!!

And yes, there ARE people in my church that are jerks (very small parish, hard to miss them), but I told my wife, ignore them, forgive them, love your enemies, etc.

Another person apparently made a remark about her “getting pudgy” in front of other and she was very hurt. I only learned about it months later, after my wife stopped attending. I told the woman that what she said hurt my wife. She tried reaching out to my wife by taking her out to a fancy dinner, but my wife blew her off.

There are different degrees of NPD/BPD. She is not a violent, seething crazy bi*ch, but definitely really easy to offend, cuts people off when she’s mad at them, always demands to be be put first, unwilling to forgive and forget, lacks the ability to compromise. She’s a moderate case. Mind you, my shrink never met her, so his diagnosis is from a distance. But he is a good, pro-marriage, Catholic therapist. I just told him the whole story trying to be as objective as I could–I tried to tell if from her side of the story too and I mentioned my many shortcomings.

Maybe sharing my own story will give you hope. My mother was suspected of BPD for over a decade, maybe two, but she would not seek treatment. This is understandable of course from her point of view. Miraculously, about 1-2 years ago, she completely changed. My friends who know me now and did not know me then would never have even considered my mother is anything but a loving lady with wonderful cooking skills. She completely changed from a screaming, violent by loving mother to a calm gentle mother that sings at church choirs. I’m not sure what happened, but I think it was her own prayers to God, the Blessed Virgin Mary, and to her children’s patron saints. She was completely worried about us because immediately before her change I went into depression withdrawal and my brother was hospitalized for a rare combination of bipolar and schizophrenia. In the end, God found a way to save our family because we really love each other but could not emotionally handle being around each other.

 

[eucharisteo]

It takes two. I agree. And I told her that. I said, “It takes two to tango. I’d even be happy to admit that 80% of the problem is me, and 20% you.” She replied, “I agree.” I said, “okay, what’s your 20%.” She said, “That I made a mistake in picking you!”

I my.

I am so so sorry. I feel your pain just reading it. My wife threatened to pack her bags for about the first half of our marriage. Now she just gets mad and goes to bed. She won’t talk about things, like tonight, about something she told our pastor and sent his reply to me. His reply was very good. But one of her paragraphs was all about me reminding her about a program we’re involved with in the Diocese. She went on to say she nearly bit my head off. Like I was the one that started our involvement in it. I don’t even like the program but its part of a bigger program that we’re supposed to be involved in as well. I just go through the motions and accept my unemotional love relationship. She loves me, in my case, but she just doesn’t have the drive to show it in the physical sense, like a caress, or a kiss longer than a chicken peck. Even in intimate moments she won’t put her arms around me at all. So if feels like a one way street most of the time. However, I just keep going and it’s worked for 20 years and counting. I don’t expect much anymore but I do try to work in that direction. But I continue to receive repelling gestures. I don’t expect much to change, but I do know that in the end I did all that I can do and there is no more that I believe I can do. I also believe that for her she is doing the best she can.

You have a very difficult choice to make. You have to show her unequivacle dedication to your relationship to make it work. You may even have to forgo attending your own Divine Liturgy to make her happy. It’s sad, but that’s no reason for a divorce. If you step outside of your church family and are are willing to show her that you really do love her then you can do so. However, if you really want a “way out” you probably have one. But let me tell you this. God’s not going to make it easy for you EVER. You have to learn to sacrifice, even in marriage…no especially in marriage. You can’t expect equal all the time. Sometimes we have to be the one willing to make more sacrifice to make up for the lack of it from the other. If people recognized this divorce attorneys would nearly become extinct.

A man is to love his wife like Christ loves the Church. Eph. 5

 

[SunnaB16]

Just a few cents` worth

A few things you mentioned triggered some memories.

From talking with a married Filipina in this country (Australia), i know that they can become VERY lonely. She dislikes the Australian “culture” with its individualism and rampant self-centred materialism. She said that if her husband (Australian) dies before she does, shell be going straight back home. The "culture shock" can be overwhelming. In her country, of course, the emphasis is on FAMILY AND EXTENDED FAMILY with TOTAL LOYALTY among members. i can understand her preference for the Latin Rite. At least, itd be something familiar.

For some of them, the language barrier is impossible. Its one thing to learn to speak English; its another thing to be able to express themselves in it in a way that they feel is effective for US to understand.

They can be very self-expressive, very passionate. They give, and need, lots of love. They would be very jealous of any perceived rivalry. Finding those photographs and jewellery would have been a terrible shock, surely… They need to feel protected.

A bit of a parallel with your case:
By an unfortunate coinicidence, soon after the marriage, it became obvious that the husbands mother had alzheimers disease. So the hardly more than blushing bride found herself caring for the mother. She felt that she was brought over here to be a nursemaid.
More than once, she threatened to go back home; and it included a lot of yelling!
It was not a good start to the marriage.

By the way: she was thin to start off, but she got just a bit chubby later on. In her case, she looks better for it.

Picture yourself being dumped into the middle of your wife`s culture.

Dont get the idea im completely on your wifes side. A number of times in past years, this particular Filipina got me to drive her to different places fairly locally (her husband was still working), and, more than once, she almost drove me mad...a nagger, a back seat driver, a mother hen if she happened to have one of her children with her! To put it bluntly, i wouldnt be able to put up with it. She has a drivers licence, but the husband told me shed be dangerous on the road because of her temperament. She tends to over-react, to be a panic merchant, to be like the proverbial chook with its head cut off. A few times when ive dropped in on these people, the husband has said: “Look out! WW3 (sound familiar?) is going to start in a minute.”!

The above rave is based only on my own observations…

Is there any chance of seeking advice from other Filipinas?
A very long shot: are there any Filipinos (for advice) in your area?
Best wishes to both of you!

 

[ContegoFides]

My wife is also an angry person and I feel cut off from my family sometimes.

The answer is to turn to prayer. Pray before the Blessed Sacrament for her reversion and salvation.

Do not buy her threats and do not be swayed by her antics. I would ignore her threats of divorce and simply not address them. You figure out what is right and simply do it. Explain to her what is right and why; but listen to her just in case she is right. It is HORRIBLY difficult to stay calm and loving when your wife is going nuts and screaming at you - I know intimately, but that’s what you need to do. Be her rock, but don’t let her dominate you. If she demands an answer to the threat of divorce, simply tell her that that is her decision but that you will not support it.

She is trying to manipulate you into submitting by threatening divorce. It is also a weapon used to make you upset so that you will compromise. Do neither. Do not respond in kind, but find the loving solution and implement it as you can - recognizing that she can make her own choices.

After that, it is for her to decide. As she comes to recognize that you will not blow up at her, you will not capitulate to her, you will not be manipulated by her, and that she cannot control you with her behavior - but that you still love her and do everything good for her (objectively, not what she says about you) - she will either stop the behavior because it doesn’t work or leave you. Either way, you have done all you can and will be justified in God’s eyes on this issue.

I strongly urge you to see a Catholic counselor on your own, even if she refuses to see one. You will need the help.

I will pray for you.

God Bless

 

[TheAdvocate]

It’s me, the OP. It’s been a while since I posted an update. Most of you won’t be able to relate to this post unless you just read the whole thing, or you remember me from before. Here is the latest:

1. I filed for divorce, but then a priest convinced me to withdraw the petition. I’m glad he did. My conscience was eating me up and I decided that if the marriage was to end, she’d have to be the one to do the deed. Moreover, I didn’t want to live the rest of my life wondering “what if.”
2. A miracle happened. She actually agreed to counseling. Keep the prayers coming. Thanks!

 

[EasterJoy]

It’s me, the OP. It’s been a while since I posted an update. Most of you won’t be able to relate to this post unless you just read the whole thing, or you remember me from before. Here is the latest:

1. I filed for divorce, but then a priest convinced me to withdraw the petition. I’m glad he did. My conscience was eating me up and I decided that if the marriage was to end, she’d have to be the one to do the deed. Moreover, I didn’t want to live the rest of my life wondering “what if.”
2. A miracle happened. She actually agreed to counseling. Keep the prayers coming. Thanks!

Her change of heart may not exactly be a miracle. She may be learning that her tactics do not work on you the same way they used to. Nevertheless, it is an opening for grace, and that is the main thing.

Listen carefully to what the counsellor that you see jointly has to say to you. You have a long haul ahead of you, marriages with issues like yours has do not change overnight, but some couples do work through these issues. When they do, everyone is happier. I hope that someday that describes the two of you.

 

[jwashu]

It’s me, the OP. It’s been a while since I posted an update. Most of you won’t be able to relate to this post unless you just read the whole thing, or you remember me from before. Here is the latest:

1. I filed for divorce, but then a priest convinced me to withdraw the petition. I’m glad he did. My conscience was eating me up and I decided that if the marriage was to end, she’d have to be the one to do the deed. Moreover, I didn’t want to live the rest of my life wondering “what if.”
2. A miracle happened. She actually agreed to counseling. Keep the prayers coming. Thanks!

Amen!

 

[TheAdvocate]

Hi
I just read portions of your original thread, but I have a question – Why did you marry her?

I’m not trying to be mean or facetious – I’m serious. She must have had some good qualities, right? What are they? Can you try to see her in that light again?

I hope you have success with your counseling, I hope both you and she will keep your hearts and minds open to REALLY examine your actions and attitudes toward one another. Hang in there, there will be lots of prayers for you from all the posters (and lurkers!) on your threads!

Hi, thanks for your thoughts and your question.

Of course, I love her and she has great qualities. She is sweet, loving, caring, affectionate, virtuous. She is one of the few people in the world I can comfortably hold a conversation with for a long time on the phone (normally I hate the phone).

This is going to be one of those marriages where one partner gives a whole lot more than the other. (Provided the marriage lasts) I realize that marriage is not a 50-50 proposition, and that true love consists of giving expecting nothing in return. That’s beautiful. But in practice, it’s a whole lot more difficult when you have to practically have to give up your whole identity; I know that our future children would not be raised in my culture, but definitely they would have a hundred times more exposure to hers. It just isn’t fair…

I deeply appreciate all the prayers. I REALLY do. God bless you all.

 

[EasterJoy]

Hi, thanks for your thoughts and your question.

Of course, I love her and she has great qualities. She is sweet, loving, caring, affectionate, virtuous. She is one of the few people in the world I can comfortably hold a conversation with for a long time on the phone (normally I hate the phone).

This is going to be one of those marriages where one partner gives a whole lot more than the other. (Provided the marriage lasts) I realize that marriage is not a 50-50 proposition, and that true love consists of giving expecting nothing in return. That’s beautiful. But in practice, it’s a whole lot more difficult when you have to practically have to give up your whole identity; I know that our future children would not be raised in my culture, but definitely they would have a hundred times more exposure to hers. It just isn’t fair…

I deeply appreciate all the prayers. I REALLY do. God bless you all.

Marriage requires 110% from both parties, usually not at the same times. Still, these are legitimate issues for counselling. It does matter that you feel you are being treated fairly. It does matter that your wife doesn’t have the authority to make unilateral decisions based on her anger over some careless remarks. It does matter that your children have exposure to all of their heritage. They certainly shouldn’t be denied it because there are Christians in the world who don’t have all of the social skills we’d like.

I also have to wonder if she doesn’t protest too much…that is, if she didn’t start feeling a little guilty about leaving the Roman rite, wasn’t made a bit irritated by attending yours, instead, and knowingly or not, used the offensive situations as a pretext to stomp righteously back to the Roman rite. At any rate, surely she doesn’t think Roman Catholics are all perfect? It is a matter of time before someone in the Roman Church makes a remark that sets her off…if that isn’t what made her so open to being at your chuch in the first place. At any rate: what then? You can’t go ping-ponging around until she figures out that there will always be someone offensive, no matter what church you attend.

 

[TheAdvocate]

Marriage requires 110% from both parties, usually not at the same times. Still, these are legitimate issues for counselling. It does matter that you feel you are being treated fairly. It does matter that your wife doesn’t have the authority to make unilateral decisions based on her anger over some careless remarks. It does matter that your children have exposure to all of their heritage. They certainly shouldn’t be denied it because there are Christians in the world who don’t have all of the social skills we’d like.

I also have to wonder if she doesn’t protest too much…that is, if she didn’t start feeling a little guilty about leaving the Roman rite, wasn’t made a bit irritated by attending yours, instead, and knowingly or not, used the offensive situations as a pretext to stomp righteously back to the Roman rite. At any rate, surely she doesn’t think Roman Catholics are all perfect? It is a matter of time before someone in the Roman Church makes a remark that sets her off…if that isn’t what made her so open to being at your chuch in the first place. At any rate: what then? You can’t go ping-ponging around until she figures out that there will always be someone offensive, no matter what church you attend.

Well, my Eastern Church has only about 30-40 parishioners on a given Sunday. At a typical Latin church, you really don’t have to interact with anyone outside of the kiss of peace. Easy to disappear there.

There’s a fine line between doing everything you can to make your wife comfortable, and being a spineless doormat.

 

[rebeccanew]

Good morning, I had to answer your thread because my heart is aching for you and your wife. Please do not take offence at this statement, but my friends that are in the Eastern rite do seem to be like the Pharisees. They do try to be compassionate, but there is that separation that can only be felt and not described. Tour wife must be young. Young women need passion, if they don’t get it, they will make it. Step outside the box and create a passionate relationship, one where each of you is a unique creation of God, full of wonderful and loving gifts to give each other. Instead of insisting that your way of worship is better that hers and visa versa. Maybe if you respected the differences with reverance your attitudes would change for the better. Jesus would be very sad if your marriage was ended because of difficulties steming for your different ways to Love and Worship God, Our Father.

 

[TheAdvocate]

Good morning, I had to answer your thread because my heart is aching for you and your wife. Please do not take offence at this statement, but my friends that are in the Eastern rite do seem to be like the Pharisees. They do try to be compassionate, but there is that separation that can only be felt and not described. Tour wife must be young. Young women need passion, if they don’t get it, they will make it. Step outside the box and create a passionate relationship, one where each of you is a unique creation of God, full of wonderful and loving gifts to give each other. Instead of insisting that your way of worship is better that hers and visa versa. Maybe if you respected the differences with reverance your attitudes would change for the better. Jesus would be very sad if your marriage was ended because of difficulties steming for your different ways to Love and Worship God, Our Father.

Thanks for your compassionate remarks, Rebeccanew. I’m not offended, I know that people in Eastern rite Churches can be a bit “uppity”. I do not claim that my way of worship is greater than that of the Latin rite. I believe both compliment each other (as John Paul II has said, like two lungs of the Church).

Today is our anniversary, and my wife has chosen to spend it with her niece because she has a progression ceremony from elementary school. Afterwards, her family will celebrate. She told me to stay away from the ceremony, no one wants me there (not even my niece, she said).

Anyway, we have been separated since she left me in February. I’ve invited her to celebrate our anniversary later in the week at a resort in the desert, but she won’t. She won’t even go to a fancy dinner with me.

She is not that young – 36 years old next month. We’ve only been married for two years.

As far as Church, she doesn’t even go anymore. She attended her own Latin Church only occasionally before she met me. And even though we are godparents to our nephews and niece (her side of the family), she only rarely takes them to Church on Sunday, despite the fact that she lives with them now.

We have counseling scheduled this weekend, but I doubt she’ll be there. She missed the last session, too.

But I do appreciate your prayers!

 

[Geremia]

Couldn’t the Pauline Privilege apply in your case?

 

[BlueShadow123]

lol so you guys agree with him getting a divorce over his wife being a jerk, but you wont tell somebody to get a divorce if they’ve been cheated on. wow.

Anyways, if you two aren’t equally yoked, you shouldn’t be together in the first place. you can find happiness else where. shes trying to control you. oh, and dont even think about having kids with this lady.