My wife has filed for divorce

  • Thread starter Thread starter aphineday
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Hi. I haven’t read any other posts, but I can relate to your wife and I am ashamed to admit it. I just want to give you some perspective…

I have an amazing husband. Incredible! I can’t emphasize this enough. He is caring, considerate, faithful, intelligent, humble and handsome. He does the lions share of housework and tends to our children in a way many women wish their husbands would. He attends Mass and regular confession. In my wildest dreams, I could not have thought up this man that God has graciously united me to.

BUT I am flawed. I was young when we married. Our story is similar to yours. I had “our” oldest child in high school and he adopted her when we married when I was 21. We immediately had our next child and several more after that…

There are days when I feel misunderstood, self aware, insecure, neglected, lonely, or tired. Some days I feel all of the above. I could speculate that this is immaturity, hormones, mentality, stain of sin, lack of faith, or something another perspective could probably more easily define, but I don’t know if it is imperative to define at all. The point is, during these times when I am lost in my own head and feelings and beginning to enter an illogical despair, I turn to the one I love the most and blame him.

Of course none of these things are his “fault.” There is a reliance on Christ that I am ignoring and a lack of communication with my husband. Idk if your wife does this but I used to fall silent in my marriage and allow a very small indiscretion to create a rift large enough to make me sleep on the couch that night. I would not address issues as I saw them arise and it would turn into a marital nightmare. I would go to my parents, “vent” to my friends (who often added to my distress with poisonous words and fuel against my spouse) and ignore him. The children were confused and caught in between as I either swept them out of their routine for days or left them with their dumbfounded father for a weekend. I am really embarrassed that I have been this kind of person but it is true.

I am sad to say that I once researched the cost of a divorce lawyer and plotted ways to afford one. Even though I do not believe in divorce!!!

I think our culture promotes self and constantly reminds us to look out for #1. That means me me me. Forget your Maker, your children, your spouse to whom you have pledged your life. Your friends and family will support you in your decision to focus on the #1 me and will lead you ever further from truth…
 
I am not just blaming the culture. The stain of sin and satans grasp on our weaknesses is real too. He is always looking for an in. I doubt myself when I reflect on my past life before I met my husband and the ways in which I disregarded the grace Christ was trying to restore me with. I think about how the best way Satan can hurt me is by attacking my confidence in the mercy I have since received. I think that whether or not your wife realizes this too, it may be her vulnerability as well. It is your job and sacrifice as her husband (her chosen spouse!) to assure her of your love and Christs love for her. She is truly suffering. She may not be at all justified in her actions, but her heart is being torn by real hurt and doubt.

I hope you do not concede to her divorce and that you continue to reach out to her and be present for your children and make every attempt to request her communication. I hope she opens up to you and that you can dispel her fears with the help of Our Most Holy God!

If you come to that place and she is back in your home, I think some new family “rules” should be established… daily together time. Talking or doing something alone together after the children are asleep or during their nap. Also, no more running. If things are upsetting her, she has to promise to stay and “fight” (or more reasonably, discuss) the issue over and come to a resolution. Do not involve your mother. Or hers. No ones parents should know the marital issues you have unless you are abusive to each other. You made vows to each other not to each other and mom and dad and etc. surround yourself with supportive Catholic friends who will not bash your spouse, but turn you to Christ in your times of suffering. The daily Rosary is a real and powerful tool and Jesus through Mary makes things happen! Like, incredibly quickly! Finally, confession. You both may already go but please go soon and resolve to sin no more. If you can be truly healed then you can truly start fresh in your marriage together. Please be patient with your wife. I am so sorry you are going through this. I love my husband so much and I am sorry for what I have put him through and how I may one day hurt him again. I pray for strength and wisdom and humility that I can avoid the near occasion and I hope you and your wife may heal and that she vow to do the same.

Also, I once heard Fulton Sheen say something like, if you are worried about yourself then you are not doing enough for others… volunteering is an amazing way to dispel our cultures theory that #1 is “me.”

Peace Be To You!
 
Lara said:
There are a lot of signs that your wife is not an adult yet, the worst being a retreat to her parents whenever things get tense. Also, you need to absolutely support her if she clashes with your mother. That’s part of being a fully grown man, recognizing that wife always comes first. So for instance, your mother feels she can vent to you about your wife, which should never be the case. If she has any issue with your wife, she must deal with it directly with your wife. No texts to her son.
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Agree with the first sentence.

Having your wife come first doesn’t mean you ignore sound advice from mom though. Mom shouldn’t vent through her son but neither should you make her only speak to your wife. It’s just messy but unavoidable when the players are not very mature.
 
I’m so sorry you are going through this aphinejoy. It looks like you’ve already been given much advice. Someone mentioned the power of the Rosary. I would encourage you to entrust this whole situation to our Blessed Mother, the Mother of God–reaching out to her from the heart frequently–and to pray the Rosary daily if you don’t already. Sister Lucia of Fatima said that there is absolutely no problem–wither temporal or spiritual–that can’t be solved through the Rosary. Mary and Jesus are with you, and they have all the power, wisdom, and love.
 
Ever heard of Retrouvaille.org - a wonderful marriage ministry based in Catholic faith for troubled marriages. Helped saved my marriage and many I’ve been witness to. Google it. Praying for you.
 
It’s very sad , but these things happen everyday ,
Be strong , but if things in life don’t work out ,
Then the Don’t work out
 
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