My wife has lost her love for me

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I have one recommendation for you:

Counseling, counseling, more counseling, and yet more counseling! If I were you, I would run to a marriage counselor as fast as possible, tonight if you can.

Yes, it’s easy to heap condemnation on the wife, but the fact is, happy people whose needs are being met in their relationships don’t cheat. Clearly, this other man’s attraction for her is that he’s meeting her emotional needs and paying attention to her. This is wrong, because he’s not her husband, and it’s her husband who should make her feel loved. I’m not saying she’s not at fault here, because she is. But the breakdown of a formerly loving marriage takes neglect on both sides.

You clearly love her and your life together, which is FANTASTIC. There’s a tremendous amount of love still there, which means you have a great basis to start from.

If she thinks you’re controlling and manipulative, ask her why she feels that way. Ask her for some specific example of what makes her think that of you, and really listen as to what she says. It sounds like you both need to change to really make the marriage work again.

Again, RUSH to that counselor. It might make a world of difference.
 
I’d say. I dont think she is cheating on you.
Write her a letter. Tell her you are sorry about all the very wrong things you have put her through. But also tell her that you are willing to work on everything to save your marriage.
I dont know if you have cheated on her or what you have put her through so I dont believe you are in a position to give her ultimatums… but you gotta do something.
If you love her I hope you will not sit passively while she messes up her life which is precisely what she will do if she cheats with this other guy.

I would say… romance her… bring her flowers… Do all the things you should have done all along so she can see you are really trying. But first of all. Talk to her… TALK.

And… I say like Guy… Contact that man she is talking so much with and … befriend him sortof… tell him you love your wife and you would like to have space to work with her on your sacramental marriage for the sake of God, your children etc. Tell him you cant make him leave but that you hope he will for the sake of Christ …
If he is a Christian he will listen…

Peace… I hope everything works out for you.
 
A quick update…
I have made an appointment for some counseling this week. She has been invited (by me) but has declined. She was surprised by me making the appointment though. No other changes so far.

Thank you again for all the advice, comments, and prayers.
God Bless all of you!
 
rider54 said:
A quick update…
I have made an appointment for some counseling this week. She has been invited (by me) but has declined. She was surprised by me making the appointment though. No other changes so far.

Thank you again for all the advice, comments, and prayers.
God Bless all of you!
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Im not surprised rider but dont give up. Many Catholics swear by (sorry if i spell this wrong) retroville or something, its supposed to be great for marriages in trouble. Find out thru the RCC. I will keep you guys in my prayers. This may be the answer though counseling through the church.
 
rinnie said:
Im not surprised rider but dont give up. Many Catholics swear by (sorry if i spell this wrong) retroville or something, its supposed to be great for marriages in trouble. Find out thru the RCC. I will keep you guys in my prayers. This may be the answer though counseling through the church.
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retrouvaille.org

It saved my marriage.

I’d be very concerned about her ‘friend’ and the fact she does not want counseling.

I would start tracking her cell and e-mail usage.
 
iamrefreshed said:
retrouvaille.org

It saved my marriage.

I’d be very concerned about her ‘friend’ and the fact she does not want counseling.

I would start tracking her cell and e-mail usage.
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I agree, Thank God ive never been thru it but sorry to say i know to many that have been. Thanks and retrouvaille is the place to go. If not i dont think they have a chance. Pray they get help before its too late,
 
rider54 said:
Please let me clear up one thing, she has not left me, she tells me they (her and her friend) have common problems with spouses (ex spouse for him) and they talk about the problems. She says she feels comfortable talking with him. I trust my wife. It bothers me because she has never done this before. I have to trust in God that this will help our relationship. It is very difficult though.
We talked today. I repeated to her how she and the family are my life and I will never give that up. Like I said, they are the world to me!
She said she is only here because of the kids and she doesn’t know if that can ever change. She is nice to me in front of friends and family and doesn’t seem to get upset unless I ask to talk more about the problems. She once again refused to discuss counseling.
If God hadn’t shown his love for me, I don’t know where I would be right now.
Please don’t think my wife is to blame for these problems!
I take all the blame.
My youngest daughter (6) asked me this morning if we could take a vacation soon “as a family”. It broke my heart.
Please keep us in your prayers!
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Trust me. Been There, done that. I finally turned around and it took DW about a year to believe it… But LIVE it! Let her know a couple of times a day at least how much she means to you. Hopefully she’ll give up that “missery loves company” relationship.

And you know what? Book that family vacation. The sooner, the better. Get you and your wife away… maybe a cruise or something that you can take everyone on.

It does take time. My opin on a person that does not want counselling? He/She knows they are wrong and don’t want a professional proving it. If counselling is not of interest, maybe 10 Great Dates or Marriage Encounter would work. Something to get you two talking and listening again. Certainly Retrouvaille will do that. These all fall into the category of “No discussing things with anyone but your spouse.” Hopefully that will help.

And don’t beat yourself up too badly. It takes two to make a marriage work and it’s easy to get wrapped up in “he/she will be there later” thoughts. Most all of us can fall into that trap.

It takes a lot of work to get back what you lost. Don’t give up, but don’t expect big changes in a short period of time. I’m on my second year of a similar struggle. But things get a little better every month!
 
I have to agree with Iamrefreshed here…

My mom fed the same exact story of control to my dad when they were nearing divorce. It ends up that my mom was having an affair. Control is one of those issues where it makes the man automatically feel bad, and allows the woman to basically do whatever she wants, including indulging in other men. She is making you feel guilty about the marriage (whether or not you were controlling) and is avoiding any type of attempt to save the marriage (counseling). It seems your wife would rather talk to the new guy then try and work things out with you. Like i said before, be VERY suspicious of this new man, and follow Iamrefreshed’s advice on tracking phone/email…

Good luck and I hope for the best while fearing the worst…

:gopray2: I’m praying for you…
 
Thank you all again for all the comments and prayers, I know they help.
I have booked a short vacation for the family. It is a few weeks away.
Tonight is my first counseling session. I’m a little nervous about it. I have never been through anything like this before.
My wife and I are going to take a day trip out of town tomorrow. I can’t wait! Just being with her and talking (about whatever she wants to talk about) will make my day! Like I said, the prayers are working!
This is a small step and I realize it will take many small steps but she and my family are worth all the time I have!
I am going to do my best not to think about the friend. I have to continue to trust in God and my wife to take care of this issue. There is no doubt she knows how I feel about this friendship. It is her decision now.

Thank you all and Thank You God for all the guidance and support.
 
rider54 said:
Please let me clear up one thing, she has not left me, she tells me they (her and her friend) have common problems with spouses (ex spouse for him) and they talk about the problems. She says she feels comfortable talking with him. I trust my wife. It bothers me because she has never done this before. I have to trust in God that this will help our relationship. It is very difficult though.
We talked today. I repeated to her how she and the family are my life and I will never give that up. Like I said, they are the world to me!
She said she is only here because of the kids and she doesn’t know if that can ever change. She is nice to me in front of friends and family and doesn’t seem to get upset unless I ask to talk more about the problems. She once again refused to discuss counseling.
If God hadn’t shown his love for me, I don’t know where I would be right now.
Please don’t think my wife is to blame for these problems!
I take all the blame.
My youngest daughter (6) asked me this morning if we could take a vacation soon “as a family”. It broke my heart.
Please keep us in your prayers!
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I’m sorry again, that your marriage is having a tough spot. I will say this…adding a third party WILL NEVER HELP A MARRIAGE, to improve. An outside man or woman, ‘confiding’ with your spouse, is never helpful to a marriage…your wife needs to end this ‘relationship’ immediately. I’m not saying threaten, that I would never suggest. But, she needs to sever her ties to this confidante, because what is happening is she is turning to him instead of you, to solve issues. He is crying on her shoulder so to speak, she is crying on his–never never never a good thing. Never. It will not help your marriage, it will make it worse. You will soon be the outsider, and he will be the person ‘with all the answers.’ This is not how God set marriage up to be…she really needs to end this. Now, how to end it is really the issue…but I will pray that she ends it soon, and you both get into counseling. Your wife is not to blame…I believe that marriage takes two absolutely…but she is adding another problem into the mix, with this new ‘friend.’ It is clouding her judgement…trust me. This needs to end if your marriage ever hopes to resolve itself.

God bless!
 
rider54 said:
I trust my wife. It bothers me because she has never done this before. …
Please don’t think my wife is to blame for these problems!
I take all the blame. …!
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Obviously you don’t trust her, or you wouldn’t be here. And unless you set her up on these “dates”, the only person to blame here is her. Don’t make excuses for her poor behavior.

Kathy
 
Finally some good news. My DW and I took a day trip together out of town for some shopping. It went very well! We talked about many of the issues we are having including her friend. I feel like this is a step in the right direction although there are many steps still to come.
Several of my prayers were answered today and I really appreciate the advice, suggestions, and prayers from all of you.
Hopefully we can keep the communication channels open and keep climbing these steps, no matter how long it takes.
Please continue to pray for us.

Thank you again.
 
rider54 said:
Finally some good news. My DW and I took a day trip together out of town for some shopping. It went very well! We talked about many of the issues we are having including her friend. I feel like this is a step in the right direction although there are many steps still to come.
Several of my prayers were answered today and I really appreciate the advice, suggestions, and prayers from all of you.
Hopefully we can keep the communication channels open and keep climbing these steps, no matter how long it takes.
Please continue to pray for us.

Thank you again.
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Praise God for good news! 🙂

I believe that you and your wife will survive this crisis, and your marriage will grow stronger.

Outings like this trip you took together will help you both to rebuild your marriage on a solid foundation. I urge you to make every effort to spend this kind of quality time together. A bit of advice as well, in my opinion, I would try not to talk about issues every time you go out. In other words, have some good times together in which you do not rehash the past or discuss difficulties, but instead, just have that time to be together, building new memories. As the trust grows, I believe the value of this other man’s friendship will diminish in your wife’s eyes.

You remain in my prayers!
 
Another update:

Not much more to say for now. I made it through my first counseling session and looking forward to the next. I have inquired about the Retrouvaille (sp?) classes. My DW still doesn’t know if she wants to go. This past weekend went well overall. There were some down moments when the subject of the “friend” came up again.

Please keep praying for us!

God Bless.
 
rider54 said:
Another update:

Not much more to say for now. I made it through my first counseling session and looking forward to the next. I have inquired about the Retrouvaille (sp?) classes. My DW still doesn’t know if she wants to go. This past weekend went well overall. There were some down moments when the subject of the “friend” came up again.

Please keep praying for us!

God Bless.
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Peace!

Remember, there will always be “steps back”… keep plodding forward or sideways as best you can. It’s a long journey but the worst thing one can do is stand still. One of those Chesterton Minute things… “go with the flow”… Dead things go with the flow. Living things work really hard to swim against it because what exists at the end is worth getting to. Or something like that.
 
Rider i believe you also said you are commimg into the faith . Awesome, you will learn how wonderful and how powerful faith and prayer can really be, You are in my prayers.
 
1ke said:
Rusty,

Tell her you will NOT give up on your marriage, your children, or her. And then, court her like crazy. Shower her with love, affection, and attention. Set up dates. Keep her so busy that this other friend will fade away.
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This is the best answer, also going to RCIA and making the conversion. To show her you are REALLY serious.
 
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