My wife is addicted to porn

[saintpiofan]

I have a realy big problem and i hope and pray that i can get some suggestions as to what to do. I am a faithful husband and father of 4 beautiful little children. I am also a recovering addict to sex. My wife, on the other hand, does not have much of a sexual drive at all, so i depend on allot of rosaries to get me threw the constant boroge of temptations that pleague me on a continual basis.

Now, my wife has her own addiction that is causing my many problems. She is addicted to pornography, and she feels that this is the only way she can get herself to “desire” me sexually.

She is a catholic by title alone. She doesn’t believe that it’s a sin, nor that it causes problems. She doesn’t believe that it makes others look at women as objects, nor that it is detrimental to one’s soul.

She feels that i am treating her like a child because i fight against her bringing porn in the house, and she gets very upset that i wont watch it with her to turn her on, even if just once in a while.

Now, she insists that she is going to take some of her money and buying a porn video for herself, and she insists that it’s because she is an adult and if fully allowed to, and that there is nothing wrong with it, regardless of what the church teaches.

She doesn’t think that it’ll cause problems in our family, despite the fact that the kids could find it, and she doesnt think that it’ll cause problems between us. She refuses to use logic or statistics about families and children who see or use porn either. (Basicly, she is becoming very rebelious for some reason.)

Now, i’m worried of having material in the house that the children could find, such as videos and such. So, would it be less problematic to allow her to use the internet to view porn instead of buying materials that the kids could find? And what is a faithful husband to do, being addicted to sex as it is, while trying everything to avoid what i know is detrimental to our souls?

Councelling doesn’t help, nor a priest, cause she doesnt believe she has a problem, but that i have the problem cause i listen to the church and am holding her back from what she feels she’s intitled to as an adult. I truely do what her to desire me, but not at the expense of salvation for any of us. What am i to do?

 

[Kendy]

I don’t know of what you can do other than to pray for her.

 

[st_ignatius110]

Throw away every video and magazine that comes into your home for the sake of your childrens souls. They WILL find these eventually. My husband was shown his first porno video at 7 years old. His cousin, the same age, had found it hidden away in his house.

Pray pray and pray some more. Walk through your house every evening with some Holy Water and pray the Saint Michael prayer. Your children MUST see you living a life of holiness…they need to at least KNOW you are trying. Go to confession every single week. Do not miss one week. This is for your sake and the sake of your childrens souls. Pray daily for your wife. Start a novena if you have to. In other words, it is your job to make sure your babies make it Heaven. Do everything in your power to make sure this happens. No matter what, they HAVE to get to Heaven.

 

[Franciscan]

Lesson to young men who are single- The moral character of the woman you chooswe to marry matters more than if she’s “hot”.

 

[PhilotheaZ]

You may want to visit the website trueknights.org/ which deals extensively with the problem of pornography addiction and how to combat it. Much of it is from the perspective of men having the addiction (I suppose that is more frequently the case), but I’m sure you will find some good ideas and helpful links there. God bless you in your struggle.

 

[IanBoyd57]

Throw away every video and magazine that comes into your home for the sake of your childrens souls. They WILL find these eventually. My husband was shown his first porno video at 7 years old. His cousin, the same age, had found it hidden away in his house.

Pray pray and pray some more. Walk through your house every evening with some Holy Water and pray the Saint Michael prayer. Your children MUST see you living a life of holiness…they need to at least KNOW you are trying. Go to confession every single week. Do not miss one week. This is for your sake and the sake of your childrens souls. Pray daily for your wife. Start a novena if you have to. In other words, it is your job to make sure your babies make it Heaven. Do everything in your power to make sure this happens. No matter what, they HAVE to get to Heaven.

God is not going to send someone to hell for looking at porn…

If they don’t think it’s evil (and most people don’t, as it causes no harm other then as some people perceive it the subjective ‘objectification’ of women) then God’s not going to hold it against them.

Ask her why you don’t turn her on anymore and just beyond the porn, if she won’t have sex with you that might be a good thing to get counseling for. Don’t approach her like she has a problem, just say that she will never have sex with you and you think that you two should go to counseling to figure out why.

But seriously, it’s not this big scary war to get into heaven. If you are a nice, caring, respectful person, you will make it.

The 9/11 hijackers may be there if they didn’t know what they were doing, so consider that.

 

[Franciscan]

God is not going to send someone to hell for looking at porn…

If they don’t think it’s evil (and most people don’t, as it causes no harm other then as some people perceive it the subjective ‘objectification’ of women) then God’s not going to hold it against them.

Ask her why you don’t turn her on anymore and just beyond the porn, if she won’t have sex with you that might be a good thing to get counseling for. Don’t approach her like she has a problem, just say that she will never have sex with you and you think that you two should go to counseling to figure out why.

But seriously, it’s not this big scary war to get into heaven. If you are a nice, caring, respectful person, you will make it.

The 9/11 hijackers may be there if they didn’t know what they were doing, so consider that.

The last person to speak with this much authority and certainty- was Jesus.

 

[Cristiano]

God is not going to send someone to hell for looking at porn…

If they don’t think it’s evil (and most people don’t, as it causes no harm other then as some people perceive it the subjective ‘objectification’ of women) then God’s not going to hold it against them.

You might be confused about the concept of mortal sin. It has to be a grave matter, watching pornography is. The person must know that it is a grave matter, and she appears to understand that the Church teaches that. There must be full consent, and only her and God know for sure. The fact that pornography harms other people has been discussed in other forums over and over.

 

[Tonks40]

God is not going to send someone to hell for looking at porn…

If they don’t think it’s evil (and most people don’t, as it causes no harm other then as some people perceive it the subjective ‘objectification’ of women) then God’s not going to hold it against them.

Ask her why you don’t turn her on anymore and just beyond the porn, if she won’t have sex with you that might be a good thing to get counseling for. Don’t approach her like she has a problem, just say that she will never have sex with you and you think that you two should go to counseling to figure out why.

But seriously, it’s not this big scary war to get into heaven. If you are a nice, caring, respectful person, you will make it.

The 9/11 hijackers may be there if they didn’t know what they were doing, so consider that.

I’m not sure you know what you’re talking about as it relates to God and one’s relationship to Him.

Addictions of any kind are a disorder. Disorders such as addictions to pornography, alcohol, drugs, even shopping, disables our faculties and hinders our not only our judgements, but also hinders how we handle things, both with others (especially our families) and our relationship to God. Our OP is soliciting advise from a Catholic perspective - please respect that.

As for the addiction, I agree with another poster in that you should get rid of all the porn in your house. Get it off the computers - use site-blockers if you have to. Then go out and get the book “Good News About Sex and Marraige” by Christopher West. Re-educate yourself in what marraige is as it relates to God, Christ, the covenant made by Him, and the Church. Once you are armed with that, you can start trying to approach her with the teachings of the Church in regards to the sacramental union of marriage, and how this sort of addiction hampers that union. I should know - this happened to me also with my own addiction to porn (I am female).

Remember - there is always three people in a marriage - husband, wife and God.

I’ll be praying for you - God Bless!

 

[saintpiofan]

Thank you all for your (name removed by moderator)ut. As for the councelling part, that doesn’t work. She doesn’t want counceling, nor does she think that we have a problem. She feels that I have the problem, and that problem is my belief in Jesus and His Church. No amount of statistics, logic, family studies on the affects or harm, has worked yet. She is the kind of person who enjoys intentionally being ignorant to truth. She doesn’t want to know, and she refuses to listen to anyone who will tell her it.

What stinks is, I struggle myself because of my past. I know the harm of pornography and how it dims the intellect, making it more difficult to see a distinction between truth from sin.

See, many years ago, before i know about Jesus, I was addicted to sex though i didnt know I was. Then, i had an incident that ended in a near-death experience. I had died. And even though i had no concept of heaven, hell, a soul, nor had i ever thought about death, and yet i found myself looking at my dead body. (Wierd!) And what was worse was that i condemned to Hell. But, as this “being” was dragging me to this pit of some sort, i was pulled back to my body and i gasp for air again…

So, I refuse to take any chance that God wont allow me to go to Hell for indulging myself in porn. And i have repeatedly told my wife about this, but she refuses to listen, cause it will require her to change her way of thinking and living.

So, my problem now is, i’m trying to minimize what damage she intends on doing. She is adimant about obtaining porn, especially lesbian porn. She wont go to councelling, and all her friends and family members tell her that she’s right and that i’m wrong. In fact, i’m the only one she knows that’s telling her not to do it and that it’s wrong. Everone else says what a previous thread said, that there’s nothing wrong with it and that God wont send her to Hell for enjoying it. So, should i allow her to use the internet to see her porn, so that there’s no materials in the house that the kids can find? Cause if i continue refusing, she is going to start buying her own porn.

God Bless.

 

[o_o_82]

Dear saintpiofan,

I too am trying to getting over Masturbation (I have also posted another thread in this Forum on that topic) and I can understand that this is a big problem. In my case I buy the Churches logic why this is wrong – but even then I have a problems getting over it – so don’t expect miracles, because your wife is not yet agreeing that it is a problem.

I think I should ask this before anything else:
I have read your original post, and you have mentioned that you are a “recovering addict to sex”. So, were you also in to pornography or some other kinds of sexual addictions? During this time were you also looking at this pornography with her, or were you doing this separately i.e. How much does she know of your addiction. Lastly, since when did her addiction start?

My wife, on the other hand, does not have much of a sexual drive at all,

I am not sure if it is that she has a sexual drive, or that she is sexually exhausted. I have a feeling that she is getting into pornography – because of her strong sexual drive. (This doesn’t condone her behavior though.) 

I have a feeling that she may have got into this, partly because you were also addicted to sex, and you gratified yourself with other women, and consequently neglected her.  (This is just a thought – but it is also possible that you may not be responsible at all.)

There are a couple of points I would like to make:

1. You are a father, and hence you are responsible for your family (including your wife). So put on a good example – especially in front of your children. Learn how to educate your children about the folly of sex (you would be very good at this because you have had this problem). Though you have a lot of information about this topic – you would need to bring this down to a child’s level, and not give them too much information. Also if possible, talk to them about this topic in the absence of your wife – lest her conscience gets stirred, and she has a fight with you in front of them. Try not to criticizes your wife while doing this though. (The kids need to respect their mother – even if she is bad.)
2. Don’t expect this to be over fast i.e. don’t be in a hurry. Pushing things too fast, may make it worse, and you might break your marriage. Your wife may be in Mortal sin, but sometimes it is advisable to wait. (Even God does not kill us when we mortally sin.)
3. Take more of a part of your wife’s life – and share your life with her. At first she would be reluctant to do this (because of her pornography) – but start by bringing her into your life i.e. sharing your day with her, and then encouraging her to share her day with you. Try next to do things together. Women long for intimacy – so give it to them – not just on the bed, but in their life. Find out what work she has to do – and try to help her do it i.e. do it together. Don’t push this issue of pornography - in fact don’t bring it up – this is just to make her open to you.

Once your wife gets more and more open to you she would understand you better. At this time you can share your faith with her.
As other people said – PRAY – I too would pray for you tonight.

 

[o_o_82]

The person must know that it is a grave matter, and she appears to understand that the Church teaches that

This person is not much of Catholic, and she does not in anyway accept it to be grave matter. She does not believe that it would harm anyone. Though this may be “objectively mortal sin”, subjectively it may not be so. 
I don’t think that right now the Original Poster, should be repeatedly telling his wife that she is going to hell. Sometimes this alienates people who are already into sin.

 

[Cristiano]

This person is not much of Catholic, and she does not in anyway accept it to be grave matter. She does not believe that it would harm anyone. Though this may be “objectively mortal sin”, subjectively it may not be so.

There is no subjective vs. objective mortal sin. Or a person is in a state of mortal sin or it is not. That is why there are three clear conditions. The subjective is taken out by giving full consent to the behavior. I do not know if she is giving full consent, usually addiction overrides full consent.

I don’t think that right now the Original Poster, should be repeatedly telling his wife that she is going to hell. Sometimes this alienates people who are already into sin.

I fully agree with you on this. I doubt that nagging her would improve things. My comment was toward the poster that said she was not committing a mortal sin because it was not a grave matter.

 

[mercygate]

95% of children by the age of 8 have been exposed to hard porn. Get that junk OUT of your house! I was exposed to pornography in my own home accidentally as a teenager. Those images haunted me and corrupted my heart and mind for 40 years, until Our Lady personally stepped in and took care of it for me.

PLEASE: find a way to get past this problem. I would venture a guess that having pornography where there is a risk of children finding it might be classifiable as child abuse.

This is definitely not just a problem of men. Many, many women have it – my guess is that the frequency is about equal but the statistics are lower because women don’t fess up. Try www.dads.org.

 

[o_o_82]

Dear saintpiofan,

Two posters have suggested of getting rid of the porn in your house. While I strongly suggest that you get it out of the way of your children – don’t get into a fight with her on this matter. I am sure that she would accept that kids should not know about this – so at least there you can carry out your obligation to your children.

She feels that I have the problem, and that problem is my belief in Jesus and His Church.

She would have this belief for a long time – and don’t be frustrated if this continues. Persevere and I am sure you would be proud of yourself in Heaven.

Then, i had an incident that ended in a near-death experience.

So you seem to be like one of the many people who has had NDE’s. I think you are lucky to be able to come back to amend your life. Also I think that there might have been someone in your family (either on earth or in heaven) praying for you. If you suspect such a person – ask them also to pray for your wife now.

And i have repeatedly told my wife about this, but she refuses to listen, cause it will require her to change her way of thinking and living.

This is normal what addicts do – don’t expect it to change overnight. However try to share more of her life and your life with her i.e. even for small personal day-to-day decisions – try to ask her for her opinion, and try to get her to do the same. You can change her – only if you get into her.

So, my problem now is, i’m trying to minimize what damage she intends on doing.

I understand that your wife accepts pornography is not wrong – however does she believe that it should be shown to children? This was not clear from your post. 

If she at least agrees that this stuff should be kept away from children – then I could not understand “what damage she intends on doing.”

As a father your job is to protect your children first – and not your wife (because this is self-inflicted by herself.)

She is adimant about obtaining porn, especially lesbian porn.

Oh so now it turns out that she may be having lesbian tendencies. I am not treating her as gay – I am just pointing out that this may be complicating the matter more.

So, should i allow her to use the internet to see her porn, so that there’s no materials in the house that the kids can find? Cause if i continue refusing, she is going to start buying her own porn.

Actually don’t expect this to get over immediately. She needs her porn, and trying to stop her one way would make her get it through another. As I mentioned earlier – your first obligation is to protect your children – not your wife. Even if she accepts that it is OK, try to convince her that it may be wrong for children to find it. Then try to agree with her of a way to prevent children from ever getting it.

Back to your Question:
The internet may be better in your case – but since its so huge it may be much more of a problem. Because it is so huge – once you have one kind of taste, it would encourage you to have something more and more perverted – till you start decaying. On the other hand the more “hard copy” material she is getting – the more it would be difficult to hide. So I am not sure here.
I think you require more information than an average Catholic has. As someone pointed out above – try asking this same question in TrueKnights.org. They have a forum at [trueknights.org/Forum/index.php](http://www.trueknights.org/Forum/index.php) I have not tried it as yet – but I would do it as soon as I can (for my own personal problem). I have however heard that they are Gurus in this area – because many of themselves have had this problem.

 

[Veritas41]

I don’t have any advice to add (I think other posters have given you good advice on the matter) other than to pray and fast for your wife and get others to pray and/or fast for her as well, and ask the intercession of the saints in heaven. St Maria Goretti was a martyr for purity, so she would be a good saint to go to in this situation. You’re right that counseling won’t help with her if she doesn’t see she has a problem, but maybe it would help you if you had someone (your priest, a counselor,a spiritual director, trusted friend) you could talk to, unload on, pray with, etc. I’ll be praying for you and your wife, that God will give her the grace of conversion and grant you the grace to be faithful to His will in this situation, which is so difficult. God bless you.

 

[AntonMurphy]

I think that you should consider leaving her for the sake of your children. She is putting yours, and their souls in danger by having the devil’s candy laying around the house. I’m not saying divorce her, but be faithful to her just as a good husband should. One of Jesus’ messages was repentance. If your wife is not willing to do this maybe you’re not sending a strong enough message that this is truly wrong. If she were a drug addict, leaving cocaine around the house, it wouldn’t be so difficult for you to know what you should do. Pray as much as you can. Develop a new appreciation for prayer.

 

[o_o_82]

Just another question: How old are your children?
I am asking this because someone has posted above that “you should consider leaving her”. I would certainly be against you doing that - but that depends on how old your children are.

 

[rpp]

God is not going to send someone to hell for looking at porn…

Wrong!

If they don’t think it’s evil (and most people don’t, as it causes no harm

Lie!

other then as some people perceive it the subjective ‘objectification’ of women) then God’s not going to hold it against them.

Utterly False and a demonstrably evil statement.

Ask her why you don’t turn her on anymore and just beyond the porn, if she won’t have sex with you that might be a good thing to get counseling for. Don’t approach her like she has a problem, just say that she will never have sex with you and you think that you two should go to counseling to figure out why.

Satisfactory advice, as it is.

But seriously, it’s not this big scary war to get into heaven. If you are a nice, caring, respectful person, you will make it.

**The **BIG lie!

The 9/11 hijackers may be there if they didn’t know what they were doing, so consider that.

While potentially true, this looks like bait by someone with ulterior motives. No one who is honestly stating an oipin on a subject as narrow as this would use such an analogy.

Added to my very short ignore list.

 

[JezuUfamTobie]

I think that you should consider leaving her for the sake of your children.

In the USA, courts don’t consider pornography use to be bad unless it depicts children or is given directly to a child, and a judge could easily award custody to a porn-using parent if a separation or divorce should occur. Porn use just isn’t considered an impediment to being a good mother or father, unfortunately. Just something the OP might keep in mind.