My wife is addicted to porn

[contramundum7]

contramundum7:
Gee, you must have gone to Heaven and spent massive time with God b4 u returned to Earth?? You seem to know so much about what he accepts and what he doesn’t, who he “sends” to Hell and who he doesn’t.
But you apparently don’t know the word of God very well. Jesus said that the way to Heaven is “narrow” & that there are “few who find it”. Also, in Revelation, it talks about those who dont make it to Heaven; it mentions the sexually impure. One saint said that more people go to Hell over sexual sins than any other sin.
OK, so i shouldn’t be so sarcastic… I apologize, but really, you shouldn’t say things like this… Even if it weren’t for Matthew & Rev. i know from experience that it is difficult being purified… & molded by Christ (we humans fight it 2 some extent, for one thing…). Pornography defiles what God created to be an act of love and pro-creation.

 

[contramundum7]

Thank you all for your (name removed by moderator)ut. As for the councelling part, that doesn’t work. She doesn’t want counceling, nor does she think that we have a problem. She feels that I have the problem, and that problem is my belief in Jesus and His Church. No amount of statistics, logic, family studies on the affects or harm, has worked yet. She is the kind of person who enjoys intentionally being ignorant to truth. She doesn’t want to know, and she refuses to listen to anyone who will tell her it.

What stinks is, I struggle myself because of my past. I know the harm of pornography and how it dims the intellect, making it more difficult to see a distinction between truth from sin.

See, many years ago, before i know about Jesus, I was addicted to sex though i didnt know I was. Then, i had an incident that ended in a near-death experience. I had died. And even though i had no concept of heaven, hell, a soul, nor had i ever thought about death, and yet i found myself looking at my dead body. (Wierd!) And what was worse was that i condemned to Hell. But, as this “being” was dragging me to this pit of some sort, i was pulled back to my body and i gasp for air again…

So, I refuse to take any chance that God wont allow me to go to Hell for indulging myself in porn. And i have repeatedly told my wife about this, but she refuses to listen, cause it will require her to change her way of thinking and living.

So, my problem now is, i’m trying to minimize what damage she intends on doing. She is adimant about obtaining porn, especially lesbian porn. She wont go to councelling, and all her friends and family members tell her that she’s right and that i’m wrong. In fact, i’m the only one she knows that’s telling her not to do it and that it’s wrong. Everone else says what a previous thread said, that there’s nothing wrong with it and that God wont send her to Hell for enjoying it. So, should i allow her to use the internet to see her porn, so that there’s no materials in the house that the kids can find? Cause if i continue refusing, she is going to start buying her own porn.

God Bless.

 

[contramundum7]

contramundum7:
This is a really sad situation - as in tragic. I feel for you. I wouldn’t want to live with a non-Christian if you paid me big sums of money, especially someone into porn… I hope you are offering up this heavy cross to atone for your involvement in porn before… (??) &/or for the souls in Purgatory…
I too am paying for sins of the past. That’s the only way i can really look at it. I know that it is not God punishing me so much as it is “life” punishing me… No, i can’t say that either… It is SIN that is punishing me (consequences). God is using it to CHASTISe me (purify me)… Did you hear or read the Mass readings for Wednesday? i have a missal, I’ll write a section here because i feel it fits: (Hebrews 12:4):
“My son, do not disdain the discipline of the Lord or lose heart when reproved by him; for whom the Lord loves, he disciplines; he scourges every son he acknowledges. Endure your trials as “discipline”; God treats you as his sons. For what “son” is there whom his father does not discipline? At the time, all discipline seems a cause not for joy but for pain, yet later it brings the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who are trained by it… Strive for… that holiness without which no one will see the Lord.”
I will definitely pray rosary prayers for you & your wife. The scriptures say not to be unequally yoked. Maybe you could leave - for a time?? I feel that is what I would do… Rosaries r used in exorcisms (pornography is demonic).

 

[saintpiofan]

I too am paying for sins of the past. That’s the only way i can really look at it. I know that it is not God punishing me so much as it is “life” punishing me… No, i can’t say that either… It is SIN that is punishing me (consequences). God is using it to CHASTISe me (purify me)…

Yes, i have thought of this senario many times. Often, it’s the only way i can look at this situation. I offer it up daily, hourly, and sometimes moment by moment. The emotional pain is so great, i can’t help but feeling resentment toward her, though i dont want to. I find myself easily getting jelous over those who ‘seem’ to have better marital relationships. I know that in reality, that likely isn’t the case, but it doesn’t make me feel any better or help me get threw the emotional wreck i feel, especially at night when, instead of even trying to be intimate, my wife chooses to watch TV till she’s too tired and wants to sleep. * sigh…*

I so badly wish i didn’t desire intimacy with her. That way i would be able to live this way without so much pain and built-up anger. I know that God is likely trying to purify me threw this hardship, but i dont know if i’m doing as well as he wants me to. Every time I try to let go of my emotions and give it to God, i find myself overwhelmingly angry that i have to do that just to get past the constant bombardment of temptations i have to endure. I feel like a part of me is dying that i dont want dying, and that if i let it go, i wont know how to love my wife anymore. I feel i just can’t endure having a puppy-luv relationship with my wife when i so badly want a mature relationship with her.

I’m sorry i keep talking about this. I realy just dont have anyone else to talk to about this, and it helps me to talk about it. God Bless.

 

[contramundum7]

Yes, i have thought of this senario many times. Often, it’s the only way i can look at this situation. I offer it up daily, hourly, and sometimes moment by moment. The emotional pain is so great, i can’t help but feeling resentment toward her, though i dont want to. I find myself easily getting jelous over those who ‘seem’ to have better marital relationships. I know that in reality, that likely isn’t the case, but it doesn’t make me feel any better or help me get threw the emotional wreck i feel, especially at night when, instead of even trying to be intimate, my wife chooses to watch TV till she’s too tired and wants to sleep. * sigh…*

I so badly wish i didn’t desire intimacy with her. That way i would be able to live this way without so much pain and built-up anger. I know that God is likely trying to purify me threw this hardship, but i dont know if i’m doing as well as he wants me to. Every time I try to let go of my emotions and give it to God, i find myself overwhelmingly angry that i have to do that just to get past the constant bombardment of temptations i have to endure. I feel like a part of me is dying that i dont want dying, and that if i let it go, i wont know how to love my wife anymore. I feel i just can’t endure having a puppy-luv relationship with my wife when i so badly want a mature relationship with her.

I’m sorry i keep talking about this. I realy just dont have anyone else to talk to about this, and it helps me to talk about it. God Bless.

 

[contramundum7]

contramundum7:
I don’t think u need apologize for talking about this thing a lot. I understand (somewhat) your problem. I am working through some things in my life that seem to be about as mystifying and strange as what you are going through. It is so difficult to know what to do in certain situations, what Jesus would want us to do. I mentioned leaving her. What are your thoughts on that? I don’t believe in or advocate divorce… but sometimes the only thing that gets a person’s attention & turns them away from sin is some kind of hardship/pain. If your wife cares about you at all, it seems to me that u leaving may have an effect on her… And Jesus did say we must love him more than our families, more than our own lives. It is not easy. I know a lot about how families can interfere in a person’s walk with the Lord… You may fear losing her if u leave, but maybe u have already lost her, if i am hearing u correctly?? Do u have a copy of the St. Jude prayer/novena? I pray that over & over sometimes & it does amazing things 4 me (can’t put it into words)… Sometimes i have to read it at least 5 times through 2 get a sense that things r changing in my mind… Sometimes, it takes more prayer/meditation than we realize 2 unwind from the onslaught of messages the world sends us every day… Anyway, another word that comes to me is detachment… It is not easy… I struggle with this. But another thing that helps is to realize that this world is passing away… & some day, we will lose everything & face God alone & “naked” (without family or possessions or anything). Its a healthy thing to meditate on… Doing this helps one to detach. Anyway, i think i’ve run out of space… I will continue to pray the rosary for your wife… God bless… -

 

[Cygnus_X1]

Another resource, that may have been mentioned on another thread:

Sexaholics Anonymous - unlike other 12-step groups that are geared toward sex, their first step is an admission of powerlessness over lust, not sex.

S-Anon Family Groups - might be good for the OP since he now also lives with a lust addict.

 

[JezuUfamTobie]

stpiofan:

I just want you to know that your humble, loving, Christ-centered attitude brings tears to my eyes. My heart goes out to you in your struggles and I have been keeping you and your wife in my prayers.

 

[dulcissima]

Some questions that I would have for you…Was your wife’s sex drive non-existant when you married her? Was she attracted to you at the beginning of your relationship? Was your porn problem / sexual addiction always known to your wife or is is something that she became aware of over time? If it is something that she found out about, did her feelings for you change after the discovery?

I think all of these are important to consider, and knowing the answers to these questions might help you determine if possibly your wife is a lesbian or if perhaps she was deeply hurt by the problems associated with your sexual addiction.

 

[IanBoyd57]

The last person to speak with this much authority and certainty- was Jesus.

Perhaps I misunderstand christianity, but I was under the impression that God is at least as nice as I am. I don’t condemn people very often because almost everyone is doing the best they can with what they have. Perhaps I am wrong though. Maybe God is a jerk.

 

[IanBoyd57]

You might be confused about the concept of mortal sin. It has to be a grave matter, watching pornography is. The person must know that it is a grave matter, and she appears to understand that the Church teaches that. There must be full consent, and only her and God know for sure. The fact that pornography harms other people has been discussed in other forums over and over.

“She appears to understand that the church teaces that” is not the same as knowing it is a grave matter. She almost certainly disagrees with the church. Just like you disagree with Islam’s literal objectification of women.

 

[IanBoyd57]

I’m not sure you know what you’re talking about as it relates to God and one’s relationship to Him.

Addictions of any kind are a disorder. Disorders such as addictions to pornography, alcohol, drugs, even shopping, disables our faculties and hinders our not only our judgements, but also hinders how we handle things, both with others (especially our families) and our relationship to God. Our OP is soliciting advise from a Catholic perspective - please respect that.

If it’s a real addiction and a problem, then she should get help which is what I suggested. My point was, don’t freak out and worry about God sending her to hell, you’re just going to piss her off. She’s not a child. Also, seriously, no loving creator would torment someone in infinite pain and suffering for all eternity for looking at porn.

 

[dulcissima]

Perhaps I misunderstand christianity, but I was under the impression that God is at least as nice as I am.

You misunderstand the nature of “nice.” The word nice comes from the Latin “nescius” which means ignorant. This is not one of God’s qualities. If you look at a more current meaning of nice, being pleasant and agreeable, we can’t expect God to be pleasant and agreeable when we are not only harming ourselves and others by sinning, but also defying him. God is all-knowing. You are not. That’s why you might be nice, pleasant, and agreeable when God is justly offended.

 

[Cygnus_X1]

Also, seriously, no loving creator would torment someone in infinite pain and suffering for all eternity for looking at porn.

In this case, he wouldn’t have to. She’d send herself there. Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

 

[Lee44]

You are all in my prayers, all of those that suffer addiction.

Peace,
Lee44

 

[contramundum7]

Perhaps I misunderstand christianity, but I was under the impression that God is at least as nice as I am. I don’t condemn people very often because almost everyone is doing the best they can with what they have. Perhaps I am wrong though. Maybe God is a jerk.

Jesus is God made man. He is the (main) one in the holy trinity who empathizes with us due to our weaknesses (not that the Father or the HOly Spirit doesn’t…). If a person is “in Christ Jesus”, there is (as Scripture tells us) “now no condemnation”. If a person is NOT in Christ, the inference is that the person’s soul may be in jeopardy…
It is not that God is a “jerk”, it is the fact that God is perfectly holy & wants us to be holy too (No unclean thing will enter Heaven as Revelation tells us). And we humans get so messed up by what we pollute ourselves with (TV, lust, selfishness, unforgiveness, etc.) that it is hard to even muster up a desire for purification much less begin the process of purification & attain the level of holiness God desires/requires (for entrance into Heaven). God IS compassionate, but if we just say, “God understands my sin” & keep doing it over & over, pretty soon we are so polluted & into our sins that we can’t stand 2b in God’s holy presence… Then we are in trouble… & need to take action, such as massive prayers, sacrifices, acts of charity, etc… to clean ourselves up. But sin is addictive & as we all know, addicts don’t like giving up their addictions… (idolatry)

 

[distracted]

Sorry for bringing this question back up again, but talking about it helps me with carrying this cross.

I am realy confused as to how I am to think or act around my wife because of this. I know i am to love her as i love myself (as scripture says). But i am so upset that it’s hard to hold in the pain.

My wife totaly neglects our marriage when it comes to our sexual relationship, and it’s burdenning my heart so badly. I do all i can for my wife, and i show her i love her when-ever i can. But, as much as she shows me a loving relationship, she isn’t intimate at all. I so badly wish to be desired by her, but she only desires me if she can watch porn, or if i give her something in return (which makes it feel more like prostitution then a marital relationship).

She is a very loving person, but i dont want a puppy-love relationship, but a more mature, marital one. If you can imagine a spouse that sexually teases u, but never follows threw, that’s my situation.

I dont know how to act around her anymore. Some people say that a marriage shouldn’t be based on sex, but without it i dont know how to continue our relationship. I wont divorse her over it, but i dont know how to be happy around her either.

I truly feel like crying at times because i feel so cheated, not by God, but by the spouse i’m bound to. She doesn’t want me to tell her that it hurts me, or that it effects our relationship. She wants everything to go well between us while practicing abstinance. Nothing i have said or done has helped her to see the situation, because she openly admits that she likes to remain ignorant to truth of any kind, because it requires her to change then.

What gets me most upset is that i find myself daydreaming of a different relationship, which i DON’T WANT!!! I know there’s propably no more suggestions anyone can give me that can help this problem, but i’m ‘all ears’ if anyone would like to comment.

Thanx.

 

[distracted]

distracted:
Unrequited love is the most painful thing to endure…
I get the feeling that your wife doesn’t totally love/like herself. If she did she would have enough love in her heart for you also.
The scriptures tell us that “the man who loves his wife loves himself”, which works the other way around 2…
Maybe you could look at it like the people in AA & other 12-step programs look at alcoholism: that your wife has a “disease” - that of self-dislike. I don’t know her, but i believe this may be what is the underlying problem…A lot of people tend to dislike themselves to one extent or another. Its because people are sinners and they know their sins & imperfections better than anyone (usually).
The other day, i went to an isolated spot in my car & was totally & completely alone with God. i didn’t really “pray”, just listened… It took me awhile to get all the cobwebs out of my head & heart but finally, i started feeling very close to God - and he gave me insights into my problems. He showed me why i struggle with this & that… Knowing WHY is a big help in any problem… and having a loving Father to turn to is everything… God bless

 

[littleone]

Brother I would like to ask you two questions that will set precedence here, questions are.

1. Were you into pornography only before you married, or after you married s well?
2. When you were into pornography before marriage did you invite your girlfriend into joining you, and did she?
   Please be truthful because these answers will show you the path and also decide how to help your family from the situation.

God bless
littleone

 

[exoflare]

Perhaps I misunderstand christianity, but I was under the impression that God is at least as nice as I am. I don’t condemn people very often because almost everyone is doing the best they can with what they have. Perhaps I am wrong though. Maybe God is a jerk.

“nice” =/= tolerant of evil