My wife is addicted to porn

[littleone]

Originally Posted by IanBoyd57
Perhaps I misunderstand christianity, but I was under the impression that God is at least as nice as I am. I don’t condemn people very often because almost everyone is doing the best they can with what they have. Perhaps I am wrong though. Maybe God is a jerk.

“nice” =/= tolerant of evil

Lets give the Praise and the Glory to God alone we are brothers after all.
PEACE to all

God bless
littleone

 

[distracted]

I have a realy big problem and i hope and pray that i can get some suggestions as to what to do. I am a faithful husband and father of 4 beautiful little children. I am also a recovering addict to sex. My wife, on the other hand, does not have much of a sexual drive at all, so i depend on allot of rosaries to get me threw the constant boroge of temptations that pleague me on a continual basis.

Now, my wife has her own addiction that is causing my many problems. She is addicted to pornography, and she feels that this is the only way she can get herself to “desire” me sexually.

She is a catholic by title alone. She doesn’t believe that it’s a sin, nor that it causes problems. She doesn’t believe that it makes others look at women as objects, nor that it is detrimental to one’s soul.

She feels that i am treating her like a child because i fight against her bringing porn in the house, and she gets very upset that i wont watch it with her to turn her on, even if just once in a while.

Now, she insists that she is going to take some of her money and buying a porn video for herself, and she insists that it’s because she is an adult and if fully allowed to, and that there is nothing wrong with it, regardless of what the church teaches.

She doesn’t think that it’ll cause problems in our family, despite the fact that the kids could find it, and she doesnt think that it’ll cause problems between us. She refuses to use logic or statistics about families and children who see or use porn either. (Basicly, she is becoming very rebelious for some reason.)

Now, i’m worried of having material in the house that the children could find, such as videos and such. So, would it be less problematic to allow her to use the internet to view porn instead of buying materials that the kids could find? And what is a faithful husband to do, being addicted to sex as it is, while trying everything to avoid what i know is detrimental to our souls?

Councelling doesn’t help, nor a priest, cause she doesnt believe she has a problem, but that i have the problem cause i listen to the church and am holding her back from what she feels she’s intitled to as an adult. I truely do what her to desire me, but not at the expense of salvation for any of us. What am i to do?

I am wondering how things are coming along concerning your wife? (If you care to share…)

 

[distracted]

Originally Posted by IanBoyd57
Perhaps I misunderstand christianity, but I was under the impression that God is at least as nice as I am. I don’t condemn people very often because almost everyone is doing the best they can with what they have. Perhaps I am wrong though. Maybe God is a jerk.

Lets give the Praise and the Glory to God alone we are brothers after all.
PEACE to all

God bless
littleone

are u saying the guy whose wife is addicted 2 porn should be more tolerant??

 

[Ogo_nwa_maria]

You can’t change her. The Holy Spirit is going to be your best friend on this deal.

Don’t support her habit, but don’t continue to constantly condemn her, either. She has a sickness of the soul. Treat her with compassion and love. Keep your disparaging comments to yourself. She knows how you feel.

Make sure the kids don’t have access to it.

One tactic that some might very well disagree with me is to watch a porn movie with her, but instead of getting turned on, laugh at how rediculous it is. Snicker at the parts that are supposed to be really hot. Chuckle at the horrible dialogue. Then she will see that porn just doesn’t do it for you. After your good laugh, ask her, “You really find this exciting?” Now the porn has turned from something you find desperately evil to something that’s just silly.

Communicate with her. Find out if there’s something she sees in those porn movies that she would like to have with you.

Pray, pray, and don’t stop praying. You have a big cross to carry, my friend. Conversion can happen to the biggest sinner. Pray for her conversion.

See if she will watch a video series by Christopher West called “Created and Redeemed.”

You are in my prayers.

EXACTLY WHAT I DID WHEN I FOUND MYSELF IN THE SAME SHOES!

At first I was so upset that I kept walking out of the bedroom. After awhile, I decided to stay back and watch it with him. However, while we watch I keep making comments like “hum how disgusting”, “so not real”, “pure acting”, “is this possible”, “now she doesn’t really seem to be enjoying that does she”, “this is a joke can’t this people make this thing look real at least”, “how unemotional”, “sure this kind is not for married people” and such other comments. Then after maybe on another day, I will make a joking comment on how I want to receive communion at morning mass but need to find a priest to confess that I watched porn. I never said it accusingly, but the message is passed. Then something else I did was to tell myself that maybe I needed to improve in some aspects of our… considering that he had a very active sexual background and I was… on our wedding night so I got this Christian book though not catholic, Intended for Pleasure and read how to improve the sexual act between husband and wife and some other book and worked on making our encounters very pleasant. Finally I had to pray severally cause it was affecting us spiritually and when I say severally I mean those kind of prayers you do once in a while for a very serious issue and your body will physically recognise something is up. To the glory of God, one day I told him I was gonna burn up all the porns in the how and he said fine!!! I was really happy. Up till now, no porns!!! Also very one keeps telling me how lucky I am to have a faithful husband who has no time for other women.

My advice is, Let her see that she can have it better than the porns can offer. Pray hard too. Pray very hard. One thing i have learnt in life is that God is interested in our salvation so if we ask of him a favour necessary for the good of our souls, he grants expidiously. The devil is going to resist all attempts by you to stop her. Right now, she believes she should fight off all your attempts to stop her cause you are treating her like a baby and she needs to assert she is an adult, so treat her like and adult. Make her feel like a women, like the woman. Engage her attention. Read up on stuffs that turn women on and concentrate on the little detials that are not sinful. Let her know that you are ready to give her the zenith of satisfaction if she can only carry you along.Its easy for a woman to lose sexual interest in a person she feels cannot satisfy her and turn to more satisfying avenues. She may not express say things, but she can imply it.

Sorry this is so out, but i feel i can identify with you. Some here may not agree with me but i insist that you can solve this by

1. Praying really hard
2. Not fighting her but going along with her tactically
3. Making her feel like a lady in her own way (this is especially true since she is turning to lesbian porns. Can be as a result of a belief that a man cannot satisy you enough)
   4.Letting her see that what can occur or occurs between you is better than any derived from porn

You will need to read alot like i did.

Hope it helped

 

[Newbie2]

God is not going to send someone to hell for looking at porn…

If they don’t think it’s evil (and most people don’t, as it causes no harm other then as some people perceive it the subjective ‘objectification’ of women) then God’s not going to hold it against them.

But seriously, it’s not this big scary war to get into heaven. If you are a nice, caring, respectful person, you will make it.

The 9/11 hijackers may be there if they didn’t know what they were doing, so consider that.

Um…NO. If you don’t think it’s evil, it’s not? This is not consistant with Catholic or Christian teachings in general.

“Nice”, “caring”, “respectful” doesn’t merit one salvation. Where did you come up with THAT??

Perhaps I misunderstand christianity, but I was under the impression that God is at least as nice as I am. I don’t condemn people very often because almost everyone is doing the best they can with what they have. Perhaps I am wrong though. Maybe God is a jerk.

Maybe God thinks you are a jerk for thinking that. Seriously, though, think of God as a Dad. (Father, Abba). Does a good dad let his kids do whatever they want even though he knows it’s not good for them? Of course not.

I
She doesn’t think that it’ll cause problems in our family, despite the fact that the kids could find it, and she doesnt think that it’ll cause problems between us.

Councelling doesn’t help, nor a priest, cause she doesnt believe she has a problem, but that i have the problem cause i listen to the church and am holding her back from what she feels she’s intitled to as an adult. I truely do what her to desire me, but not at the expense of salvation for any of us. What am i to do?

Clearly, it already has caused problems between you…but denial is a powerful thing.

Counseling is needed to fix this problem, if it can be fixed. But she has to be willing to make a change, otherwise the problem will not be solved. Have you (both) tried counseling, or does she refuse to go?

Sometimes an ultimatum *may *to be in order, sooner or later.; try counseling or you will take the kids and leave. That’s extreme, but you’ve shown great wisdom in seeing that your children need protection against this evil and that you yourself are susceptable to it’s snares.

Do not let porn in the house, either by DVD, tape, whatever or through the internet.

You need prayers, too, and we’ll pray for you.

 

[Petite]

This situation seems to be crying out for marriage counseling! There appears to be marital discord here–deeper than a porn addiction. FWIW: like all addictions, porn addiction needs counseling as well as prayer to conquer it.

The children should be protected from porn in the home, obviously. But simply getting rid of porn to solve the problem will not work–not any more than pouring all alcoholic beverages down the drain will deter an alcoholic. This is a major condition that requires professional attention.

At the very least, the OP should get counseling for himself if his wife won’t go with him.

 

[rpp]

So the reasons for resurrecting an 11-month old thread is…

 

[Newbie2]

…I’ve never seen it.

 

[Godlovestrength]

I am also a recovering addict to sex.
Brother some may not understand or believ this but what seems to be happening is that satin is in the midst of you. You are trying to let go of your past but did you ever forgive youself for what you have done?
Forgive her for what she’s doing, Jesus tells “Father forgive them for they know not what they do”
Reason why I tell you this is because remember how Jesus tell’s us that
1 The spirit was cast out and when the person was not weary satin came back and got 7 worse than he was and because the person was not on guard or have the armour of God on(Ephthesians 6:10, 20

My wife, on the other hand, does not have much of a sexual drive at all,

Of corse, satin wants you apart so he gives one (you) the thought that you can’t go into sexual things deeply because they might drive you right back to where you were before. Her the thought of not being able to engauge at all, it’s satin

And so you think more on the prayers of the rosery but have you a relationship with God, meaning in your prayer away from home or your wife or at work do you have joy???

IT seems that you are in the same place as your wife

Did you understand what I have written so fare, if so you will see that there doesn’t seem to be any joy.
This is just where satin wants you , I had a wife who would do anything to disuade me put me down tell me I was useless children hated me and on and on and on, I started taking notice and started getting headaches, stress and then as with you, a little signs of depression, and then do you know where that could go.
Well I could not take the migrains lasting a week or so, I said that it was between God and her, but I was not letting go as I thought
But it never got better.

16 years latter I have a marrage to a wife who smokes like a train (you, porn), I used to hate it (as you do) I let go, it never got better, but
I started to
1 I would wear the best clothing I could I took my clothing off of sadness, poor me, I can’t do this, and I slipped into my good smile my smiling attitude my cleaning up without sayng a word, my gettiing a drink and accepting hers when she gave it.

2 NOT tell her anything about it, it’s her life (because satin want’s you to say anything)

3 just hug her even though I hate the smell ( you the thought of porn) hug her hug her again, love her, buy her flowers, I would not buy my wife take aways because of her waste of money on cigs,

I took her down town last night, try it.

Take her out to the lake or elsewhere, and hold her hands, now this has turned our marrage into a relationship, she wants to hug me (it took time), She now cooks for me and wants to, to sit next to me.
But what did I do, now even though you see these words satin will tell you any poor me thing it can because the stronger you become the more you are a threat to it’s desires for our family.
Get out of your past clothing, Put on the garment of Joy let go of her give her to Jesus.

Godbless

.

 

[revelations]

You cannot allow this into your house. It is a gateway of evil, and i don’t care how happy the girls look in the movies. I have looked at porn from the ages of 12 to 23 (finally found Jesus, rather He found me), so you can’t say I’m being prude, or un-adult. If the 101st Airborne is the US Army’s first line of attack, pornography is satan’s 101st.

Porn is highly addictive. It makes me do things i DONT WANT TO DO. It creates impulses that cannot be avoided, like a deer in the headlights effect. If it’s on the computer, you HAVE to install site blockers, you HAVE to move the computer to a public place, and you CANNOT use the computer alone. This is the nature of this stuff, it is so evil.

OP, I pray for people who suffer my addictions whenever i pray the rosary. I will say a decade for you and your family. You have two kids to protect, from pornography, and for now from their mother. Don’t allow this stuff into your house, mainly for the kids.

As the poster above said, Satan is amongst you, playing on your fears. Love your wife for who she is, and she truly doesn’t know what she is doing. Love her, pray for her, take her out.

Have you thought of having the house blessed?

-revelations

 

[Mayo]

This is more than you can handle on your own I think. You have a tough battle on your hands because people are telling her that it is not wrong and it is. If your children find this Porn she is giving scandle and bad example to the kids. God says if anyone gives scandle or bad example to one of these my little ones. It would be better if that man had not been born. I think everyone will agree that kids have a way of finding stuff they shouldent. It just happens so you have to be very diligant to make sure they dont find it. Do you Know a Priest that you can talk to?. They use intervention to help Drug Addicts. You need spiritual intervention for your wife by a priest. Satan has a firm grip on her because she is not fighting back. She has a moral obgilation under the Covenant of your marriage to take care of your sexual needs. If she is Masturbating while watching this Porn and refusing your sexual advances she is commiting capatial sins. Pornogrophy is designed to arrouse the viewer sexually and cause them to commit sin.
Go on Yahoo and put in Christopher West and Nudity. The first page is Welcome to Christopher West’s Web Page and that is about going to the Cistine Chapel and Nudity. When you read that I think you will agree that your wife needs a Transformation.
There is another page on there called Theology of the Body an Overview BY Jim SEghers. Try and get your wife to read it.I know I dont have to tell you how serious this is. Every God fearing person has a Consience. Ask her this. If you were to die right now at this very moment without going to Confession where do you think you would go Heaven or Hell and ask her to be honest…
I hope and pray that somthing will being her to her senses.
I will keep both of you in my prayers…

May God Grant you peace.

Mayo

 

[Pilgrimage]

God is not going to send someone to hell for looking at porn…

If they don’t think it’s evil (and most people don’t, as it causes no harm other then as some people perceive it the subjective ‘objectification’ of women) then God’s not going to hold it against them.

Ask her why you don’t turn her on anymore and just beyond the porn, if she won’t have sex with you that might be a good thing to get counseling for. Don’t approach her like she has a problem, just say that she will never have sex with you and you think that you two should go to counseling to figure out why.

But seriously, it’s not this big scary war to get into heaven. If you are a nice, caring, respectful person, you will make it.

The 9/11 hijackers may be there if they didn’t know what they were doing, so consider that.

4 children are hard work, be honest with yourself, how much escape is she getting from her life? Is she so worn out that sex has become a chore? Do you get a baby sitter and take her out? Is she getting chance to have some exercise away from the house? Is she socialising with interesting people of your own ages from church who are practicing their faith? If her life is humdrum then she will look for some escape. Is she socialising with interesting people of your own ages from church who are practicing their faith? Is she getting a chance to speak about these issues herself with others so that she knows that it’s not just you who sets these moral limits? What about yourself, are you neat and tidy, smell nice, well shaved etc…attentive to her needs and those things she wants of you without having to ask? Have you asked her what you can do for her to enhance your relationship without including the porn?

Make an appointment with your priest, or try to get her to have some anonymous on-line counseling with you if you are both embarrassed by the issue.

You do need to sit down and talk with her about having such materials in the house, the children WILL find it, no matter how well you hide it. Appeal to her common sense as a mother and a person who wants the best for her children, explain to her how mortified and sad she is going to be if the children start experimenting with what they have seen or talk about it at school. Reason with her that one day they may tell ‘her’ how embarrassed they have been as children when they have grown us (you’d be surprised what they know about your activities as a couple!)

Be prayerful, be forgiving, and most of all be patient that she will change. Remember she does not have your urgency to end this practice because she doesn’t know Christ as you do yet. The last thing you want to do is drive her away because you are preaching to/at her. Let her and your children see you in prayer daily, pray with them too. Trust God’s
Holy Spirit to change her heart on this issue

God bless

 

[Mike_Dye]

After about page 2 of this thread I simply had to quit reading the advise that was being doled out.
My Lord, what has happened to our Catholic men? I love my wife and like all couples we have a lot in common and also a lot of different ideas. I believe that I am quite tolerant in most regards. We have different views regarding money, I am a saver and very conservative in regard to spending and believe in saving for a rainy day. The wife is exactly the opposite. This is a difference I can live with as uncomfortable as it is.
We are equal in decisions in this regard.
If my wife would try doing something that could put her soul in jeopardy being the husband and the man in the relationship I would simply forbid it.
Yes you heard me right.being the spiritual head of our family I WOULD FORBID THIS TYPE OF ACTIVITY IN MY HOUSE. PERIOD.
Now was that so hard? Don’t worry about what all of the little whiney baby’s on this board or in life are going to say to you.As the husband and father, you are responsible for the souls of your family. Be a Man.

 

[skydiv35]

For both of you say the Jesus Prayer over and over and over all day long. First thing in the morning and last thing at night. When your mind states to wonder in sex say the Jesus Prayer you will over come it. The Jesus Prayer is “Lord Jesus Christ Son of the Living God Have Mercy on me, a sinner”. The prayer is short and easy but really powerful.

 

[hellopeople]

Um…NO. If you don’t think it’s evil, it’s not? This is not consistant with Catholic or Christian teachings in general.

“Nice”, “caring”, “respectful” doesn’t merit one salvation. Where did you come up with THAT??

**In my opinion this is exactly what merits salvation. **

Maybe God thinks you are a jerk for thinking that. Seriously, though, think of God as a Dad. (Father, Abba). Does a good dad let his kids do whatever they want even though he knows it’s not good for them? Of course not.

We have free will and can do whatever we want…so God is a bad father???

My responses in bold

 

[hellopeople]

After about page 2 of this thread I simply had to quit reading the advise that was being doled out.
My Lord, what has happened to our Catholic men? I love my wife and like all couples we have a lot in common and also a lot of different ideas. I believe that I am quite tolerant in most regards. We have different views regarding money, I am a saver and very conservative in regard to spending and believe in saving for a rainy day. The wife is exactly the opposite. This is a difference I can live with as uncomfortable as it is.
We are equal in decisions in this regard.
If my wife would try doing something that could put her soul in jeopardy being the husband and the man in the relationship I would simply forbid it.
Yes you heard me right.being the spiritual head of our family I WOULD FORBID THIS TYPE OF ACTIVITY IN MY HOUSE. PERIOD.
Now was that so hard? Don’t worry about what all of the little whiney baby’s on this board or in life are going to say to you.As the husband and father, you are responsible for the souls of your family. Be a Man.

Your marriage must be just peachy.

 

[ManOnFire]

If one chooses a life of selfish indulgence of the basic instincts, one will walk around like a person with a teaspoon and a sugar bowl: dipping the teaspoon into the sugar bowl frequently, taking a sweet lick that doesn’t last, constantly searching for the next temporary high via sex, drugs, materialism, extreme vanity, gambling, food, pursuit of trying to invent something artificially different for the few seconds of shallow amusement it provides, to no long term satisfaction. The search continues indefinitely, always believing that peace and satisfaction will be coming soon. There IS NO LONG-TERM FUTURE SATISFACTION IN THE PURSUIT OF THIS TYPE OF LIFESTYLE. Placing oneself at the center of the universe in the constant pursuit of self-comfort and self-pleasure is not the answer. It becomes an egomaniacal mini god-complex where it becomes too easy to blame others when one won’t find peace, satisfaction, and romantic joy.

If one chooses to give one’s life to the Church’s way of sacrificial, true love for spouse and kids, one can experience the True love that makes one’s heart sing and will rock you to the depths of your bones. Deep, romantic, sacrificial, True Love via God’s Covenant for man and woman is The Way, The Truth, and The Life.

If it’s not too late, print out this post and ask your spouse to read it. Each of you needs to make a choice of which of the 2 lifestyles the two of you will pursue. There’s no other way. Pop culture is a giant wedge that will force passionate people to decide, one path or the other. The Soul can be free and made clean again through Reconciliation. Forgive yourselves and each other. We are only human. Forget the past. This is the chance for a new beginning. That’s what I love most about the Catholic Church: the Soul can be free and clean and new if you forgive and are forgiven. True Love is always possible. Should the two of you choose to become one, one flesh, one body, and both commit toteh Church’s Way, you can do it. If the both of you decide to follow the Deep, the Church’s way, then you came to the right place. There are plenty of resouces here to help you find The Way, The Truth, and The Life.

 

[Celtic_FC]

Wow this is terrible, I mean she should respect you and just watch it on her own time at the very least. Why on earth would anyone look at porn while being intimate with someone is beyond me?

 

[ManOnFire]

If one chooses a life of selfish indulgence of the basic instincts, one will walk around like a person with a teaspoon and a sugar bowl: dipping the teaspoon into the sugar bowl frequently, taking a sweet lick that doesn’t last, constantly searching for the next temporary high via sex, drugs, materialism, extreme vanity, gambling, food, pursuit of trying to invent something artificially different for the few seconds of shallow amusement it provides, to no long term satisfaction. The search continues indefinitely, always believing that peace and satisfaction will be coming soon. There IS NO LONG-TERM FUTURE SATISFACTION IN THE PURSUIT OF THIS TYPE OF LIFESTYLE. Placing oneself at the center of the universe in the constant pursuit of self-comfort and self-pleasure is not the answer. It becomes an egomaniacal mini god-complex where it becomes too easy to blame others when one won’t find peace, satisfaction, and romantic joy.

If one chooses to give one’s life to the Church’s way of sacrificial, true love for spouse and kids, one can experience the True love that makes one’s heart sing and will rock you to the depths of your bones. Deep, romantic, sacrificial, True Love via God’s Covenant for man and woman is The Way, The Truth, and The Life.

If it’s not too late, print out this post and ask your spouse to read it. Each of you needs to make a choice of which of the 2 lifestyles the two of you will pursue. There’s no other way. Pop culture is a giant wedge that will force passionate people to decide, one path or the other. The Soul can be free and made clean again through Reconciliation. Forgive yourselves and each other. We are only human. Forget the past. This is the chance for a new beginning. That’s what I love most about the Catholic Church: the Soul can be free and clean and new if you forgive and are forgiven. True Love is always possible. Should the two of you choose to become one, one flesh, one body, and both commit toteh Church’s Way, you can do it. If the both of you decide to follow the Deep, the Church’s way, then you came to the right place. There are plenty of resouces here to help you find The Way, The Truth, and The Life.

The Edit that I would like to make to the above post is this:

The missing link that our society struggles to understand is Birth Control. Lack of birth control causes large families. Large families where mom and dad are committed to the Church’s Way produces INVOLUNTARY sacrifice for our families. Birth control allows us to have few kids, and, consequently, we can VOLUNTARILY choose to be selfish via the temporary highs of sex, drugs, materialism, extreme vanity, gambling, food, pursuit of trying to invent something artificially different for the few seconds of shallow amusement it provides, to find no deep satisfaction, instead of the deep romanticism of struggle, committment, fortitude, sacrifice, and appreciation etc. We have not enough kids.