My wife just left me

[MaryT777]

Thanks! We’re chatting again in a little bit. I need some questions answered that I think will help for me.

I want to know if when she told me she would consider the couples counseling, but wanted to wait until Friday to let me know or whether she wants a divorce, if she is only saying that to spare my feelings, or if it’s something she really wants to consider.

Thanks Nap, I appreciate your prayers. It sounds like we have some similarities with what is going on.

Knit - I’m not sure if you have read this thread, as you’re writing things that I have never said. I have never called my wife stupid.

I feel like a lot of your responses in this thread are misunderstandings of what I’ve written, and I would appreciate if you would read the thread and the posts prior to posting.

I don’t want it seem like I don’t appreciate you wanting to contribute, but I do want to make sure that the contributions are based on accurate interpretations.

Best

I think that Knit was referring to the post where you called her opinion stupid and she misinterpreted it as calling her stupid in I think it was #69.

“In regards to being nice. She mentioned an incident on election day, where I said to her 'that it’s stupid that you’re voting for her”. She interpreted that as me calling her stupid. I would never call my wife stupid, but I can understand how she could take what I said and take it that way. "

Continued prayers for restoration of your marriage.

Mary.

 

[KnitNut]

Knit - I’m not sure if you have read this thread, as you’re writing things that I have never said. I have never called my wife stupid.

I feel like a lot of your responses in this thread are misunderstandings of what I’ve written, and I would appreciate if you would read the thread and the posts prior to posting.

I don’t want it seem like I don’t appreciate you wanting to contribute, but I do want to make sure that the contributions are based on accurate interpretations.

Actually I have read the thread. Every word. Carefully. You’re ignoring my question - are you in counseling? Because I do see red flags in your behavior, including attempting to redirect from my plain language questions. (For example, to pull from my previous post, yes you have a nice career at present, BUT you’re leaving that for full-time education for a career change…clearly that leaves her as the stable breadwinner during your transition. Therefore the demand that you feel like “you be first” is important, in this context of her feeling her career is valued and protected for the sake of the family. Similarly, paying half the expenses while she’s in grad school and she is paying half…that does NOT make you “supporting” her in ANY mathematical formula!)

In this case, I’m a woman “challenging” you, and you aren’t really responding candidly …and in fact you’re kinda prickly about it. The fact that you’re gaslighting instead of describing your own efforts in counseling (after much ado about what she must/must not be doing to address her “flaws”) just raises red flags. I think I can see some of your wife’s points. You would do well to bring a printout of this entire thread to your individual conselor for pondering.

Best wishes to you both. I’m out.

 

[MaryT777]

Actually I have read the thread. Every word. Carefully. You’re ignoring my question - are you in counseling? Because I do see red flags in your behavior, including attempting to redirect from my plain language questions. (For example, to pull from my previous post, yes you have a nice career at present, BUT you’re leaving that for full-time education for a career change…clearly that leaves her as the stable breadwinner during your transition. Therefore the demand that you feel like “you be first” is important, in this context of her feeling her career is valued and protected for the sake of the family. Similarly, paying half the expenses while she’s in grad school and she is paying half…that does NOT make you “supporting” her in ANY mathematical formula!)

In this case, I’m a woman “challenging” you, and you aren’t really responding candidly …and in fact you’re kinda prickly about it. The fact that you’re gaslighting instead of describing your own efforts in counseling (after much ado about what she must/must not be doing to address her “flaws”) just raises red flags. I think I can see some of your wife’s points. You would do well to bring a printout of this entire thread to your individual conselor for pondering.

Best wishes to you both. I’m out.

It’s difficult when people don’t read the entire thread for a situation like this as the OP HAS CLEARLY stated he is in counseling. His wife also has a counselor but of course marriage counseling together is still a pending issue, but hopefully she will commit to marriage counseling where they both go together.

I believe the OP has done everything possible now to address the issues of his marriage and if his wife chooses not to attend marriage counseling together as a last effort perhaps to save their marriage then that would speak to her lack of desire to save her marriage or inability or desire to discuss issues in counseling.

Continued prayers for the restoration of this marriage if possible.

Mary.

 

[john1513]

Thank you for your advice.
She kept bringing up our political differences, as one of the main factors of her leaving, and saying that she felt like she couldn’t express her opinions.

Just a suggestion here, but I would stop all consumption and discussion of politics. I say this as someone who LOVES politics but I recognize it contributes absolutely NOTHING to my daily life, my marriage, my faith, my work, etc. Unless you’re working for a political campaign, politics will do nothing to help you. Politics is largely entertainment. I know it feels important, but it isn’t. When you die, God will not ask where you stood on political issues. He will ask how you loved Him and those he put in your life. Politics has nothing to do with that.

On a related note, my life largely improves when I reduce my consumption of media and politics. The people in my life begin to feel that I care more about them than I do the president.I can stay up to date with what’s going in with less than 30 seconds per day on a good website. Cut politics out of your life and start living!

 

[KnitNut]

It’s difficult when people don’t read the entire thread for a situation like this as the OP HAS CLEARLY stated he is in counseling.

To respond to this rather snide remark, the OP’s exact words, 3JULY:

I went to marriage counseling by myself this morning. I told the counselor my story and she was pretty supportive. I told her that I want to work on my patience and communication skills. I also want to make sure that I put Christ at the center of the marriage. I felt pretty good leaving there.

7JULY:

I am going to continue with marriage counseling.

17JULY:

This will be the third week of marriage counseling where I will be attending on my own. I can’t keep up the expense of going, and I’m not sure if I see the point of continuing to go if she’s not willing to work on the marriage on her end. I can only do so much by myself.

…“marriage counseling.” Not individual counseling…and he’s expecting his wife to join him there. So you, too, have missed my exact wording, Mary, and put words into my mouth. shaking my head Yes, the situation is very sad. However, only the OP is here, and just in his few posts there are suggestions that his wife’s concerns (post #68, for people actually reading for detail) are real concerns. He’s only in marriage counseling to impress her, whereas she’s in individual counseling to work on herself. I’m sorry if the subtle but important difference is lost on people. She was motivated, for apparently serious reasons, to proactively seek ongoing individual help. He’s just killing time at marriage counseling until he knows if she’s coming back…otherwise, he’s done with it because “there’s no point”.

As someone whose spouse is on his second 18-month “anger” program (see Lundy Bancroft, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men; my separated spouse is under the care of of Lundy’s research partners), I recognize red flags in this poster’s writing. The “aggressive” (post 68), “challenging” (he called her DECISION on voting “stupid” to her face - that’s definitely not the first time he’s belittled her) behavior that “she would not have the confidence to check” (post 80, and really, it’s up to her to, quote, “check his behavior”?!)…these and other posts are troublesome.

Unfortunately, a solitary poster on a message board can’t really make much of a difference in these cases. Again, I would encourage the OP to print this thread for couselor(s) to read. And now, I truly am out. Unsubscribing.

 

[Caprotodox]

To the OP…you have really done a great service to me and other posters by telling your story and keeping us updated. It is more helpful to us than you know and I think we all appreciate your sharing this with us. It is very instructive and obviously very touching. God bless you for doing this and we wish you God’s best.

I was divorced 12 years ago and God “brought good out of evil” for me. I became heavenly/heavily involved in the pro-life movement and I am now Godfather to 6 beautiful children that I saved from abortion.

Living a celebrate life can be tough at times but it is actually very conducive to more devotion to the spiritual life. It is also very freeing of my time and my preoccupations and money and stress.

Thank you sincerely and may God protect and defend you.

Thank you, I am glad to hear that good things have come out of your divorce. It sounds like the Lord really brought goodness to your life. I have faith that God will do the same for me, it just hurts so badly right now.

Just a suggestion here, but I would stop all consumption and discussion of politics. I say this as someone who LOVES politics but I recognize it contributes absolutely NOTHING to my daily life, my marriage, my faith, my work, etc. Unless you’re working for a political campaign, politics will do nothing to help you. Politics is largely entertainment. I know it feels important, but it isn’t. When you die, God will not ask where you stood on political issues. He will ask how you loved Him and those he put in your life. Politics has nothing to do with that.

On a related note, my life largely improves when I reduce my consumption of media and politics. The people in my life begin to feel that I care more about them than I do the president.I can stay up to date with what’s going in with less than 30 seconds per day on a good website. Cut politics out of your life and start living!

I agree with you 100% on stopping the consumption and discussion of politics. I have let it effect my emotions too much, and I think it’s best to just back away from it. It really does not contribute anything positive.

I think the political issue stuff between here and I were just a symptom, and not a cause. But again, we both allowed it to effect us instead of doing something about it. I really need more positivity in my life.

It’s difficult when people don’t read the entire thread for a situation like this as the OP HAS CLEARLY stated he is in counseling. His wife also has a counselor but of course marriage counseling together is still a pending issue, but hopefully she will commit to marriage counseling where they both go together.

I believe the OP has done everything possible now to address the issues of his marriage and if his wife chooses not to attend marriage counseling together as a last effort perhaps to save their marriage then that would speak to her lack of desire to save her marriage or inability or desire to discuss issues in counseling.

Continued prayers for the restoration of this marriage if possible.

Mary.

Thank you Mary, I appreciate your kind words.

My wife and I spoke after I posted in this thread. I asked for clarity on whether she was saying that she would consider joint marriage counseling to spare my feelings or if she was really considering it.

She said, that she told me that she would consider it to spare my feelings. She then said we should move to divorce.

I said, “Ok, I don’t want that, but I understand that I can’t control what you want to do, so I will go along with what you want”.

We are both very amicable, I know that she still cares about me and I believe that she still loves me.

What it really comes down to, from me talking with her then, and late last night, is that she wants a different lifestyle than what we have now. She wants to spend more time on her career, take a position that would have her traveling 1-2 weeks a month, delay having kids for a while, and be able to go out socializing more often. Whereas I want more time at home with my wife, so with her doing longer hours at work, traveling more, delaying kids, isn’t something that I want. She mentioned that this is no fault of my own, that I am good guy, and a good husband, just that what we want is different.

She said that she hasn’t been able to sleep well, and has just recently been able to start eating somewhat normally.

We also spoke about selling the house and other logistics. We both don’t think it’s necessary to get lawyers. She said she doesn’t want anything, and I’m the same way.

She called me at 2 AM last night because she felt alone and sad. We talked for about an hour, but nothing came up fixing the marriage. It sounds final.

I wish and pray that her heart will change. But it sounds like her mind is made up, and unfortunately there is nothing that I can do about it. I am deeply saddened. I have had these last few weeks been thinking that our relationship was headed to divorce, so I have had some time to brace for it, but it finally hit. There are times where I just space off, and just start crying now. My mind is on constant focus about our relationship, the good times that we had, and the good times that we won’t have.

I spoke to my parents for hours yesterday. They have been very supportive.

I will continue to pray to the Lord for her, that the Lord will be with her and comfort her, and help her with her struggles. I still deeply care for her, unfortunately that is not enough.

 

[SuperHappy]

Thank you, I am glad to hear that good things have come out of your divorce. It sounds like the Lord really brought goodness to your life. I have faith that God will do the same for me, it just hurts so badly right now.

I agree with you 100% on stopping the consumption and discussion of politics. I have let it effect my emotions too much, and I think it’s best to just back away from it. It really does not contribute anything positive.

I think the political issue stuff between here and I were just a symptom, and not a cause. But again, we both allowed it to effect us instead of doing something about it. I really need more positivity in my life.

Thank you Mary, I appreciate your kind words.

My wife and I spoke after I posted in this thread. I asked for clarity on whether she was saying that she would consider joint marriage counseling to spare my feelings or if she was really considering it.

She said, that she told me that she would consider it to spare my feelings. She then said we should move to divorce.

I said, “Ok, I don’t want that, but I understand that I can’t control what you want to do, so I will go along with what you want”.

We are both very amicable, I know that she still cares about me and I believe that she still loves me.

What it really comes down to, from me talking with her then, and late last night, is that she wants a different lifestyle than what we have now. She wants to spend more time on her career, take a position that would have her traveling 1-2 weeks a month, delay having kids for a while, and be able to go out socializing more often. Whereas I want more time at home with my wife, so with her doing longer hours at work, traveling more, delaying kids, isn’t something that I want. She mentioned that this is no fault of my own, that I am good guy, and a good husband, just that what we want is different.

She said that she hasn’t been able to sleep well, and has just recently been able to start eating somewhat normally.

We also spoke about selling the house and other logistics. We both don’t think it’s necessary to get lawyers. She said she doesn’t want anything, and I’m the same way.

She called me at 2 AM last night because she felt alone and sad. We talked for about an hour, but nothing came up fixing the marriage. It sounds final.

I wish and pray that her heart will change. But it sounds like her mind is made up, and unfortunately there is nothing that I can do about it. I am deeply saddened. I have had these last few weeks been thinking that our relationship was headed to divorce, so I have had some time to brace for it, but it finally hit. There are times where I just space off, and just start crying now. My mind is on constant focus about our relationship, the good times that we had, and the good times that we won’t have.

I spoke to my parents for hours yesterday. They have been very supportive.

I will continue to pray to the Lord for her, that the Lord will be with her and comfort her, and help her with her struggles. I still deeply care for her, unfortunately that is not enough.

Your post makes me feel so sad.

I will continue praying for you and your wife.

It sounds like she just gave up. It’s so hard sometimes when two people love each other but little things get in the way and our pride won’t allow us to admit we are wrong. I hope that in your future relationships the lessons you are learning will help you so at least something good will come out of all this hurt you’re feeling.

 

[ProdigalSon85]

I’m so sorry to read about this and will pray for you.

On Saturday, my wife told me it’s over and handed me her rings.

We’ve been married close to 4 years and dated for 5 years before that.

Long story short, when she and I had met, I was a non-practicing Catholic.
I posted the details of this in the welcome thread on Friday.
I attended her Missouri Synod Lutheran Church for years, but always felt the tug to return to the RCC.

About this time last summer, I couldn’t stay away any longer and began to pursue a path to confirmation in the Church. She felt that I was acting rashly and requested that I put the brakes on a bit.

We did marriage counseling together a few times and she stopped coming. I continue to go because she said I’m the on who needs to work on certain things. For her, we have to be Catholic or Lutheran, but it’s something that we need to figure out together.
I respect that. however, my conscience will not allow me to go without practicing the faith, and part of that is attending Mass every Sunday and on Holy Days of Obligation.

She’s not cool with this, even though I’m willing to, and have, attend Lutheran service with she and her family as well. She feels that I am fixated, obsessive and have tunnel vision.

I have gotten some good counseling from the local parish priest, and have read a lot of books.

I also have no intention of leaving my home.

 

[Nap66]

So, so sorry to hear this. I went through this exact thing two months ago, and it still feels like a loss that should never have happened.

She said that she hasn’t been able to sleep well, and has just recently been able to start eating somewhat normally.
We also spoke about selling the house and other logistics. We both don’t think it’s necessary to get lawyers. She said she doesn’t want anything, and I’m the same way.

My ex-husband was the same way. Unfortunately, when life hit, he became bitter through the divorce proceedings and things did not end up so amicable. I hope it is different for you, but then people are people.

I will continue to pray to the Lord for her, that the Lord will be with her and comfort her, and help her with her struggles. I still deeply care for her, unfortunately that is not enough.

We can’t help the spouse that desperately wants to leave. I told my ex-husband the last time I spoke to him that he cannot stop me from caring about him. Of course he just damned me once again and told me to leave. But I still care, because God cares for me in the same way, even when I damn God.

I don’t know. Life is hard.

 

[Nap66]

So sorry to hear about your situation ProdigalSon. So many people living the same lives.

Long story short, when she and I had met, I was a non-practicing Catholic.

About this time last summer, I couldn’t stay away any longer and began to pursue a path to confirmation in the Church. She felt that I was acting rashly and requested that I put the brakes on a bit.

She’s not cool with this, even though I’m willing to, and have, attend Lutheran service with she and her family as well. She feels that I am fixated, obsessive and have tunnel vision.

The same situation occurred with me. I was a non-practicing Catholic for my entire marriage and even when we separated I stayed away from the Church. Then something happened (like a lightening bolt from God) in my life and I knew I had to go back to my faith and try to fix my marriage.God told me so in many ways. So I did. I tried for the last four months to repair my marriage to no avail. In fact, when I was getting closer to God, my ex-husband drew farther away and even told me I was psychotic. My ex-husband is not a believer in God and I believe he might even be possessed with a dark force since I no longer even recognize him as the man I once married.

But although I couldn’t save my marriage (and God knows I tried my best), I drew so much closer to God, which I would not have done if not going through this trial. Seems the more you get closer to God, Satan will throw roadblocks in your way, especially via the people in your life that you love best and wish they would draw closer to God with you.

Never seems to work out that way. God deals with each person individually.

 

[gracepoole]

We’re over 130 posts into this thread and no one seems focused on the greatest obstacle to this marriage: it’s not valid. The wife has no desire to make it valid. To continue pursuing it with no hope of having it blessed by the Church is to pursue the continuation of an adulterous relationship. What am I missing here?

 

[jmcrae]

We’re over 130 posts into this thread and no one seems focused on the greatest obstacle to this marriage: it’s not valid. The wife has no desire to make it valid. To continue pursuing it with no hope of having it blessed by the Church is to pursue the continuation of an adulterous relationship. What am I missing here?

Particularly since they have different world views and different life goals / expectations. There is not enough in common between them to make it work.

I can understand her wanting to get out because on the one hand, he wants her to be his meal ticket, and on the other hand, he wants her to be housewifely and motherly, and it’s physically impossible to do both. If she is to be the sole wage earner, then she will need to clock in lots of overtime and do everything possible to fast track her career, which means that she can’t keep up with the duties of the household, nor get pregnant and have children.

 

[Catholic13]

Thanks! We’re chatting again in a little bit. I need some questions answered that I think will help for me.

I want to know if when she told me she would consider the couples counseling, but wanted to wait until Friday to let me know or whether she wants a divorce, if she is only saying that to spare my feelings, or if it’s something she really wants to consider.

Thanks Nap, I appreciate your prayers. It sounds like we have some similarities with what is going on.

Knit - I’m not sure if you have read this thread, as you’re writing things that I have never said. I have never called my wife stupid.

I feel like a lot of your responses in this thread are misunderstandings of what I’ve written, and I would appreciate if you would read the thread and the posts prior to posting.

I don’t want it seem like I don’t appreciate you wanting to contribute, but I do want to make sure that the contributions are based on accurate interpretations.

Best

You’re still not listening. She didnt say you called your wife stupid. She said you called your wife’s vote stupid.

 

[Caprotodox]

Your post makes me feel so sad.

I will continue praying for you and your wife.

It sounds like she just gave up. It’s so hard sometimes when two people love each other but little things get in the way and our pride won’t allow us to admit we are wrong. I hope that in your future relationships the lessons you are learning will help you so at least something good will come out of all this hurt you’re feeling.

Thank you. I really hope that a miracle happens and that she starts to have some doubts about divorcing and thinking about working on our marriage. It’s so hard.

I’m so sorry to read about this and will pray for you.

On Saturday, my wife told me it’s over and handed me her rings.

We’ve been married close to 4 years and dated for 5 years before that.

Long story short, when she and I had met, I was a non-practicing Catholic.
I posted the details of this in the welcome thread on Friday.
I attended her Missouri Synod Lutheran Church for years, but always felt the tug to return to the RCC.

About this time last summer, I couldn’t stay away any longer and began to pursue a path to confirmation in the Church. She felt that I was acting rashly and requested that I put the brakes on a bit.

We did marriage counseling together a few times and she stopped coming. I continue to go because she said I’m the on who needs to work on certain things. For her, we have to be Catholic or Lutheran, but it’s something that we need to figure out together.
I respect that. however, my conscience will not allow me to go without practicing the faith, and part of that is attending Mass every Sunday and on Holy Days of Obligation.

She’s not cool with this, even though I’m willing to, and have, attend Lutheran service with she and her family as well. She feels that I am fixated, obsessive and have tunnel vision.

I have gotten some good counseling from the local parish priest, and have read a lot of books.

I also have no intention of leaving my home.

I pray that you and your wife are able to work on your issues. I hope that her heart is not closed and that you both are willing to work on your faults.

So, so sorry to hear this. I went through this exact thing two months ago, and it still feels like a loss that should never have happened.

My ex-husband was the same way. Unfortunately, when life hit, he became bitter through the divorce proceedings and things did not end up so amicable. I hope it is different for you, but then people are people.

We can’t help the spouse that desperately wants to leave. I told my ex-husband the last time I spoke to him that he cannot stop me from caring about him. Of course he just damned me once again and told me to leave. But I still care, because God cares for me in the same way, even when I damn God.

I don’t know. Life is hard.

The way I feel at the moment is that my heart is telling me to fight, my head is telling me it’s over. Maybe, I’m blind but I’m praying to the Lord that he lets me know which one to follow. I’m asking Him if I should just give up?

I started crying in counseling today. The counselor was saying that I need to be in the moment right now, and not worry too much on the future while I’m grieving. Just to make sure that I’m still taking care of what I need to take care of. I also just burst into tears on my commute home today.

I’ll probably go to the gym and workout in a little while. It’s really all that is going through my head right now.

 

[HNA444]

We’re over 130 posts into this thread and no one seems focused on the greatest obstacle to this marriage: it’s not valid. The wife has no desire to make it valid. To continue pursuing it with no hope of having it blessed by the Church is to pursue the continuation of an adulterous relationship. What am I missing here?

 

[john1513]

We’re over 130 posts into this thread and no one seems focused on the greatest obstacle to this marriage: it’s not valid. The wife has no desire to make it valid. To continue pursuing it with no hope of having it blessed by the Church is to pursue the continuation of an adulterous relationship. What am I missing here?

Are we not to assume the marriage is valid unless the Church says otherwise?

 

[1990Domer]

Valid or not, isn’t it honorable that OP wants to fight for his marriage? How many ppl in valid messages would do that?

 

[gracepoole]

Are we not to assume the marriage is valid unless the Church says otherwise?

The OP did not receive a dispensation to be married to a non-Catholic and his wife has not been baptized in any Christian faith. By all means, OP, check with your priest. But from everything you’ve shared thus far, there is no reason to believe your marriage is valid. What’s more, you’ve stated that your wife is uninterested in making it valid.

Valid or not, isn’t it honorable that OP wants to fight for his marriage? How many ppl in valid messages would do that?

Is it honorable to fight to save an adulterous relationship?

 

[Marysann]

In post #24 the OP stated that he, a Catholic, and his wife were married by non-denominational pastor. Therefore he told us that he knows that his marriage is not valid because of a defect of form.

 

[1990Domer]

The OP did not receive a dispensation to be married to a non-Catholic and his wife has not been baptized in any Christian faith. By all means, OP, check with your priest. But from everything you’ve shared thus far, there is no reason to believe your marriage is valid. What’s more, you’ve stated that your wife is uninterested in making it valid.

Is it honorable to fight to save an adulterous relationship?

With how poor the Church’s catechism is, especially in this area, can you understand that at least the OP honors his vows, despite the lack of a Sacramental marriage?