S
Serap
Guest
LOF…this old post is something that I have been thinking a lot about…
be very very careful!!
- Status
be very very careful!!
C
cviolette
Guest
Yes we do. The sad thing about the affair is that it was never about love, support, fun or sex. It was about more abuse and just being used. It was about hurting myself and hurting my husband. I could have easily had an affair with a nice guy in my real life that would have treated me nice. The whole thing just makes me feel pathetic and sad.We have a lot in common eh? I just haven’t had an affair
It’s hard. We have to keep praying. We have to keep trying.
Catholic Families Agency requested that I read:
7 Principles of Make Marriage Work by John Gottman.
chapters.indigo.ca/books/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work-John-Gottman/9780609805794-item.html?ikwid=john+gottman&ikwsec=Books
It is hard. I am praying constantly but do have a hard time trying to make things work. It just feels like banging my head against the wall.
Thank for the link. I may eventually look into it. Right now I just don’t want to even try to make it work.
L
Leap_of_Faith_1
Guest
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers!
I just come out of another very civil conversation with my wife. We talked about the reactions of our family and friends, and we both have asked them all to show respect for the other spouse for the sake of our relationship with the children. So far - so good!
I asked her to reconsider the immediate need for filing for divorce, and asked if she could wait until after the Retrouvaille program is complete (August 7th). I further asked, if she feels the need to file anything before then, to file for legal separation instead. I reminded her that she said she was willing to complete the program before we started before making any decision. She wanted to know my intention for her and I to continue the program, I told her that I would continue with the expectation that at this point in time we will get divorced. I also told her that this program has already helped us communicate with each other much better (we truly have ironed out a lot of garbage) and could only help us to remain friendly throughout a divorce, and even after.
Without any promises, she has agreed to the above terms and continue Retrouvaille with no expectations. She has also agreed to hold off on filing for divorce for the time being. We both agreed that as long as we remain nice and fair, neither of us would hire a lawyer should we get divorced. She told me she would be willing to discuss the above agreement should she change her mind between now and then. She also agreed she will not rule out the thought of legal separation instead of divorce.
After speaking about custody, she (on her own) has revisited my idea of purchasing a large RV for her personal apartment so she could remain on the property and I could see our children anytime I want. If we can continue acting very friend with each other throughout these next couple months, and she still finds the need to become divorced, we have even talked about sectioning the property up so she could put another house there to live in on a permanent basis.
Thanks be to God! Should I trust her words above? Any thoughts?
God Bless
I just come out of another very civil conversation with my wife. We talked about the reactions of our family and friends, and we both have asked them all to show respect for the other spouse for the sake of our relationship with the children. So far - so good!
I asked her to reconsider the immediate need for filing for divorce, and asked if she could wait until after the Retrouvaille program is complete (August 7th). I further asked, if she feels the need to file anything before then, to file for legal separation instead. I reminded her that she said she was willing to complete the program before we started before making any decision. She wanted to know my intention for her and I to continue the program, I told her that I would continue with the expectation that at this point in time we will get divorced. I also told her that this program has already helped us communicate with each other much better (we truly have ironed out a lot of garbage) and could only help us to remain friendly throughout a divorce, and even after.
Without any promises, she has agreed to the above terms and continue Retrouvaille with no expectations. She has also agreed to hold off on filing for divorce for the time being. We both agreed that as long as we remain nice and fair, neither of us would hire a lawyer should we get divorced. She told me she would be willing to discuss the above agreement should she change her mind between now and then. She also agreed she will not rule out the thought of legal separation instead of divorce.
After speaking about custody, she (on her own) has revisited my idea of purchasing a large RV for her personal apartment so she could remain on the property and I could see our children anytime I want. If we can continue acting very friend with each other throughout these next couple months, and she still finds the need to become divorced, we have even talked about sectioning the property up so she could put another house there to live in on a permanent basis.
Thanks be to God! Should I trust her words above? Any thoughts?
God Bless
C
cviolette
Guest
How long are you thinking about having the RV? It depends on your wife’s plans on whether or not it would work. Would it be healthy for you and the kids if she is dating? It might be to painful for you to be so close to her and let her go.
F
faithfully
Guest
I’m not sure you’ve got much to lose by not trusting her. Only I’d be a bit worried that she might be making other arrangements and might catch you off guard… divorce is not something I know a lot about. However, I might look into an arbitrator. From a quick reading, it seems it’s supposed to help keep things private, and simple, and less messy. It seems if she would go this route, she’s more “trust worthy” … if she files for the separation… then yeah, I’d trust her with more…
I’m not one to speculate on everything… It sounds as though she’s been doing some sort of soul searching having met with a priest already…
The one thing I want to mention, and I’m just not sure if this is your case or not. But I know a few women that went through some sort of crisis in their life… and decided that a divorce was the solution. Which it wasn’t. Just a change. And the interesting thing… They felt they made the right decision because their spouse never fought for the marriage. Personally, I think the men where worn down from all the drama… a person can only handle so much.
So, not to suggest that you go nutz on her, and get obnoxious in trying to win her back… discuss with your counselor, priest a good way to let her know the door remains open until she completely shuts it…
S
savemymarr
Guest
Wow LOF. I am sorry. I was hopeful that Retrouvaille would work it’s magic for you. after we did our weekend last year on the heels of learning about her A and exposing her, things seemed pretty hopeful for a short time. but it wasnt long before she renewed contact. My married mother of 5 had fallen in love with a philandering father of 4, serial adulterer, ex heroin abuser and alcoholic. they stopped contact thru much of the fall but renewed it at some point after that. i learned of the renewed contact without a doubt this past April. everything you are experiencing is nothing new. i went thru most of it.
your W is without a doubt in the middle of an affair. ABSOLUTELY. I want you to go to MB and post your story there on the infidelity forum, surviving an affair. there are others with much more experience in these matters than i have. your W is closed to Retrouvaille and wants to rush into divorce bc there IS someone else out there. she is in “love.” she is not in her right mind. it is called the “fog.” you need to gather intel. you need to prove it beyond the shadow of a doubt. you KNOW i am correct. your intuition has told you so. you cannot hope to draw her back to you until you drive the other person away.
women are simple in that regards. they can only love one person at a time. your wife wants you to be civil and calm whilst she tries to figure out what to do next. she is cake eating or trying to have her cake and eat it too. you are providing for some of her emotional needs (EN’s) like Family Committment and Financial Support while the OM (other man) provides for the others like Affection and Communication. right now you should try to remain nice whilst you formulate your plan. if your W were to decide to move out allowing you to ultimately maintain full custody of your children, that would work best in your situation. please go out and buy “surviving an affair” by Willard Harley. they have it on the MB site, and your should also be able to find it on Amazon and at your local Barnes and Noble. on the MB site, there are articles on “plan A, plan B and unfortunately plan D.” you know what the D stands for. maybe that is in your future and mine, but you owe it to yourself to try something which may restore your marriage. it is NOT without hope. God is very integral here. ultimately she is in His hands. He knows what is in your wife’s heart.
there is sooo much more i could write about, and how to formulate a plan but you really want the big guns advising you. i have made some bad choices trying to get my wife to stop her wayward behavior. your wife wants you to be complacent and will dangle divorce like a threat over your head if you allow her to. if one of your children were to make a threat that they would report you to the authorities for abuse if you didnt allow them to eat candy whenever they wanted, would you succumb to those threats? how would you respond? your wife is attempting to manipulate you into allowing her to continue on in her wayward behavior. do not let her.
i cannot stress how important it is for you to seek out the right counsel. nothing about your situation is unique. remember lostman on the MB board? you posted on his situation which eerily mirrors your own? he too has 4 children and his W is pressing full bore towards divorce. if you had cancer, would you not seek out a professional, an oncologist, to care for you? or would you place your care in the hands of your next door neighbor or your mother? you want the assistance of people with the skill and experience who have seen this before. your friends and family have no clue what to do next. “give in to her demands, make it easy on her and maybe you’ll win her back.” um, nope. you need to be nice but firm, confident and not a doormat. do NOT go it alone and do NOT for one second accept that you have to give in to her demands. you and your children are riding on this.
your W is without a doubt in the middle of an affair. ABSOLUTELY. I want you to go to MB and post your story there on the infidelity forum, surviving an affair. there are others with much more experience in these matters than i have. your W is closed to Retrouvaille and wants to rush into divorce bc there IS someone else out there. she is in “love.” she is not in her right mind. it is called the “fog.” you need to gather intel. you need to prove it beyond the shadow of a doubt. you KNOW i am correct. your intuition has told you so. you cannot hope to draw her back to you until you drive the other person away.
women are simple in that regards. they can only love one person at a time. your wife wants you to be civil and calm whilst she tries to figure out what to do next. she is cake eating or trying to have her cake and eat it too. you are providing for some of her emotional needs (EN’s) like Family Committment and Financial Support while the OM (other man) provides for the others like Affection and Communication. right now you should try to remain nice whilst you formulate your plan. if your W were to decide to move out allowing you to ultimately maintain full custody of your children, that would work best in your situation. please go out and buy “surviving an affair” by Willard Harley. they have it on the MB site, and your should also be able to find it on Amazon and at your local Barnes and Noble. on the MB site, there are articles on “plan A, plan B and unfortunately plan D.” you know what the D stands for. maybe that is in your future and mine, but you owe it to yourself to try something which may restore your marriage. it is NOT without hope. God is very integral here. ultimately she is in His hands. He knows what is in your wife’s heart.
there is sooo much more i could write about, and how to formulate a plan but you really want the big guns advising you. i have made some bad choices trying to get my wife to stop her wayward behavior. your wife wants you to be complacent and will dangle divorce like a threat over your head if you allow her to. if one of your children were to make a threat that they would report you to the authorities for abuse if you didnt allow them to eat candy whenever they wanted, would you succumb to those threats? how would you respond? your wife is attempting to manipulate you into allowing her to continue on in her wayward behavior. do not let her.
i cannot stress how important it is for you to seek out the right counsel. nothing about your situation is unique. remember lostman on the MB board? you posted on his situation which eerily mirrors your own? he too has 4 children and his W is pressing full bore towards divorce. if you had cancer, would you not seek out a professional, an oncologist, to care for you? or would you place your care in the hands of your next door neighbor or your mother? you want the assistance of people with the skill and experience who have seen this before. your friends and family have no clue what to do next. “give in to her demands, make it easy on her and maybe you’ll win her back.” um, nope. you need to be nice but firm, confident and not a doormat. do NOT go it alone and do NOT for one second accept that you have to give in to her demands. you and your children are riding on this.
S
savemymarr
Guest
Would you knowingly trust someone who was intoxicated with operating a motor vehicle you were riding in with your children? his W is not behaving in a rational fashion. she CANNOT be trusted at all. she has demonstrated via her behaviors that she cannot be. she is only interested in her own needs.
more likely soul searching looking for justification that what she is doing, which is patently wrong like leaving your husband for another man and destroying her family, is “right.” typical. my newly appointed Eucharistic minister of a W has done exactly the same. they are only looking to assuage their feelings. they WANT to believe that this was all meant to be regardless of the destruction and ruin they will bring upon everyone else. we live in a hard world. growing up with broken family bc mommy wanted to run away with the plumber is not the right answer.
you are partially correct. they decided that they were making the right decision only years later they looked back at the havoc they wreaked and realized how blind they were.
you are 100% correct here. act nice not nuts. and i have faith in God but not priests when it comes to marital advice. the average priest only has on the job training and not very much of it at times. if your priest is anything like mine, he might even approve your wife to be Eucharistic minister after hearing her on a voice recorder saying I love you to another man. when asked why would he do that? “umm, i don’t know.” place your faith in God always yet maintain an open mind. do what works. go for the experience.
S
savemymarr
Guest
LOF, you want full marriage or full divorce. she wants to date, then buh bye. divorce. you owe it yourself to not allow her to do that to you and your children so brazenly. children practice what they see. they need to see dad stand up for himself. you cannot allow your wife to wantonly disrespect your marriage that you would let her do that to you.
S
savemymarr
Guest
Hi Cviollette. Marriagebuilders would work for you as well. I can sense your are a very good woman. The repentance and regret are there. The MB program would really work for you. I wish my W had half the self awareness that you possess.
S
savemymarr
Guest
excellent book BTW. Gottman bases his principles primarily on research and observations. The Gottman Institute @ UW is very well respected.We have a lot in common eh? I just haven’t had an affair
It’s hard. We have to keep praying. We have to keep trying.
Catholic Families Agency requested that I read:
7 Principles of Make Marriage Work by John Gottman.
chapters.indigo.ca/books/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work-John-Gottman/9780609805794-item.html?ikwid=john+gottman&ikwsec=Books
S
savemymarr
Guest
last post, but trust your intution LOF. your W is in the middle of an A. it is like swinging thru the jungle on a vine. your W would not be willing to let go of your love if she did not already have another in mind.
S
Serap
Guest
I too think that she will catch you off guard. I would contact a lawyer behind her back and keep it to yourself.
I would not trust her with a 10 foot pole right now.
Take her at face value, but get all the facts you need from a good lawyer, just in case.
How would you feel if she had a boyfriend under your nose? It’s almost like she wants you to be her Daddy now. She still wants to live at home, so to speak, under your financial care. She’s a little girl emotionally. She doesn’t want to go too far in case her affair doesn’t work out and she can then go back to you until she finds another man later.
Very immature and very untrustworthy.
I would not trust her with a 10 foot pole right now.
Take her at face value, but get all the facts you need from a good lawyer, just in case.
How would you feel if she had a boyfriend under your nose? It’s almost like she wants you to be her Daddy now. She still wants to live at home, so to speak, under your financial care. She’s a little girl emotionally. She doesn’t want to go too far in case her affair doesn’t work out and she can then go back to you until she finds another man later.
Very immature and very untrustworthy.
F
faithfully
Guest
Not good at the multi quote thing… you black, me red… Ugg (lol) savemymarr;7986046
Would you knowingly trust someone who was intoxicated with operating a motor vehicle you were riding in with your children? his W is not behaving in a rational fashion. she CANNOT be trusted at all. she has demonstrated via her behaviors that she cannot be. she is only interested in her own needs.
First off, As I stated, I’m no expert on divorce, and let’s extend that, on crazy spouses either…
But obviously NO, I wouldn’t allow anyone to drive and risk the physical breathing, beating heart of my child. An extreme comparison. I realize divorce is destructive. NASTY divorces are the most destructive. I do know women that have left their husbands without there being an affair involved. Which is entirely possible.
Actually, although she may be conniving woman, she has remained calm. The OP has reported civil conversations. I agree, he should protect himself legally. She may be interested in her own needs. OP doesn’t really comment on her interaction with her children. I do imagine that most mothers don’t want their children to watch them be miserable. If that’s what she is. Doing that shows your children that happy marriages are just something written about in a book. It is odd to me that she’s just “up and gone”… which again, I can agree keeps the suspicion of an affair right there. Why else would the OP be so off guard? Unless there’s more to the story??? OP mentions that she thought Retro would have helped YEARS ago… Why is this all so surprising to OP? How come he didn’t know his marriage was in trouble? If just an affair, then I get it. But I’m a bit confused, and can’t make a good judgment call here. I feel some info is missing…/COLOR]
more likely soul searching looking for justification that what she is doing, which is patently wrong like leaving your husband for another man and destroying her family, is “right.” typical. my newly appointed Eucharistic minister of a W has done exactly the same. they are only looking to assuage their feelings. they WANT to believe that this was all meant to be regardless of the destruction and ruin they will bring upon everyone else. we live in a hard world. growing up with broken family bc mommy wanted to run away with the plumber is not the right answer.
I agree, but I don’t think not knowing the full story, one should project their personal situation on all the others sad marriages they see. She has spoken with a priest… Now it could be that he’s an idiot and not counseling her very well… , but without knowing him, I wouldn’t assume. It would be the first time I PERSONALLY have heard of a priest suggest that a person divorce with flimsy reasoning. As seen on this thread with Cviolette, for example, I don’t hear her stating that she’s been advised to divorce because of her behavior… Or that she’s even been advised to divorce.
you are partially correct. they decided that they were making the right decision only years later they looked back at the havoc they wreaked and realized how blind they were. Here’s the thing, and I think it’s quite valid. Women often go through emotional ups and downs. I think we’re a bit more prone to it with hormone changes, stresses from child rearing and such. Most of the time it’s “normal” and we hash out our issues with our girlfriends, and try to keep the crazies from effecting our families. However, sometimes it’s just over the top. And goes ignored. An extreme example… the woman that had sever PPD, and drown her 5 children in a bathtub. I find it very hard to believe that her husband didn’t notice that she was not coping. Yet, the horrifying bomb of murdered children being when he finally realized there was a problem. And yes, now years later, that her brain if functioning properly, I’m sure she’s quite devastated by her own actions. Is this any different? Less extreme obviously. OP says his wife just dropped a bomb. He had no idea there was a problem. Perhaps in this case OP’s wife has sought comfort elsewhere. And unlike CV (whose case is extreme, IMO), she hasn’t come to terms with her own self destruction. Regardless, she is unhappy, and she’s pulling a common maneuver. Get out of this relationship to “clear her head”. She doesn’t know who she is, because she’s never been an individual is my guess.
In all reality, I suspect the age difference, daddy complex issues are more likely at hand. This is a woman that went from her parents home to his. Her in her 20s? Him in his 30’s? And then just started having kids. She didn’t have an independent “adult” life. She has always been a child, and IF they have a traditional marriage, she’s always done as she was told, until she rebelled. And now she has lots of pressure to manage 4 small children. And even home school them. It’s all quite a lot for a child like mind to process. Don’t you think? I can kind of see how she gets to “girls just wanna have fun…” Only she’s no longer REALLY in the position to do this. She made choices, and she’s back peddling, as I think she made CHILDISH decisions. One of which easily could have been getting married. She may truly not have been ready. And she’s in a mess she made.
She could continue to act like a troubled teenager. But since they are married, and she’s acting like an idiot, I do think it’s the OP’s job to do what he can to be available to her. Just like I think a parent should be available to their troubled child. Obviously, without enabling bad behavior. Unless he want’s out. Sadly, he will have to be the one that does ALL the work until (if ever) she is ready to step up.
Would you knowingly trust someone who was intoxicated with operating a motor vehicle you were riding in with your children? his W is not behaving in a rational fashion. she CANNOT be trusted at all. she has demonstrated via her behaviors that she cannot be. she is only interested in her own needs.
First off, As I stated, I’m no expert on divorce, and let’s extend that, on crazy spouses either…
But obviously NO, I wouldn’t allow anyone to drive and risk the physical breathing, beating heart of my child. An extreme comparison. I realize divorce is destructive. NASTY divorces are the most destructive. I do know women that have left their husbands without there being an affair involved. Which is entirely possible.
Actually, although she may be conniving woman, she has remained calm. The OP has reported civil conversations. I agree, he should protect himself legally. She may be interested in her own needs. OP doesn’t really comment on her interaction with her children. I do imagine that most mothers don’t want their children to watch them be miserable. If that’s what she is. Doing that shows your children that happy marriages are just something written about in a book. It is odd to me that she’s just “up and gone”… which again, I can agree keeps the suspicion of an affair right there. Why else would the OP be so off guard? Unless there’s more to the story??? OP mentions that she thought Retro would have helped YEARS ago… Why is this all so surprising to OP? How come he didn’t know his marriage was in trouble? If just an affair, then I get it. But I’m a bit confused, and can’t make a good judgment call here. I feel some info is missing…/COLOR]
more likely soul searching looking for justification that what she is doing, which is patently wrong like leaving your husband for another man and destroying her family, is “right.” typical. my newly appointed Eucharistic minister of a W has done exactly the same. they are only looking to assuage their feelings. they WANT to believe that this was all meant to be regardless of the destruction and ruin they will bring upon everyone else. we live in a hard world. growing up with broken family bc mommy wanted to run away with the plumber is not the right answer.
I agree, but I don’t think not knowing the full story, one should project their personal situation on all the others sad marriages they see. She has spoken with a priest… Now it could be that he’s an idiot and not counseling her very well… , but without knowing him, I wouldn’t assume. It would be the first time I PERSONALLY have heard of a priest suggest that a person divorce with flimsy reasoning. As seen on this thread with Cviolette, for example, I don’t hear her stating that she’s been advised to divorce because of her behavior… Or that she’s even been advised to divorce.
you are partially correct. they decided that they were making the right decision only years later they looked back at the havoc they wreaked and realized how blind they were. Here’s the thing, and I think it’s quite valid. Women often go through emotional ups and downs. I think we’re a bit more prone to it with hormone changes, stresses from child rearing and such. Most of the time it’s “normal” and we hash out our issues with our girlfriends, and try to keep the crazies from effecting our families. However, sometimes it’s just over the top. And goes ignored. An extreme example… the woman that had sever PPD, and drown her 5 children in a bathtub. I find it very hard to believe that her husband didn’t notice that she was not coping. Yet, the horrifying bomb of murdered children being when he finally realized there was a problem. And yes, now years later, that her brain if functioning properly, I’m sure she’s quite devastated by her own actions. Is this any different? Less extreme obviously. OP says his wife just dropped a bomb. He had no idea there was a problem. Perhaps in this case OP’s wife has sought comfort elsewhere. And unlike CV (whose case is extreme, IMO), she hasn’t come to terms with her own self destruction. Regardless, she is unhappy, and she’s pulling a common maneuver. Get out of this relationship to “clear her head”. She doesn’t know who she is, because she’s never been an individual is my guess.
In all reality, I suspect the age difference, daddy complex issues are more likely at hand. This is a woman that went from her parents home to his. Her in her 20s? Him in his 30’s? And then just started having kids. She didn’t have an independent “adult” life. She has always been a child, and IF they have a traditional marriage, she’s always done as she was told, until she rebelled. And now she has lots of pressure to manage 4 small children. And even home school them. It’s all quite a lot for a child like mind to process. Don’t you think? I can kind of see how she gets to “girls just wanna have fun…” Only she’s no longer REALLY in the position to do this. She made choices, and she’s back peddling, as I think she made CHILDISH decisions. One of which easily could have been getting married. She may truly not have been ready. And she’s in a mess she made.
She could continue to act like a troubled teenager. But since they are married, and she’s acting like an idiot, I do think it’s the OP’s job to do what he can to be available to her. Just like I think a parent should be available to their troubled child. Obviously, without enabling bad behavior. Unless he want’s out. Sadly, he will have to be the one that does ALL the work until (if ever) she is ready to step up.
F
faithfully
Guest
Chatty Cathy Here:
you are 100% correct here. act nice not nuts. and i have faith in God but not priests when it comes to marital advice. the average priest only has on the job training and not very much of it at times. if your priest is anything like mine, he might even approve your wife to be Eucharistic minister after hearing her on a voice recorder saying I love you to another man. when asked why would he do that? “umm, i don’t know.” place your faith in God always yet maintain an open mind. do what works. go for the experience.
I would go with the experience of how to get through a divorce, if necessary, that is not messy and detrimental to the children. Regardless of how ugly this could get between the two. Or how hurt the OP might be in the end. It will be terrible to basically offer up his heart to be ripped right from his chest. But his marriage has no chance without doing so. He can’t make a half attempt at saving his marriage. I think he should protect himself legally. Personally, I’d be honest about it. Saying, I’m going to get a lawyer and legal counseling, so that I can protect my interests in my finances and the relationships with my children. If she’s rational… she’ll be fine with that. Some women just want out. They aren’t actually interested in leaving a path of destruction. If she’s being underhanded, then she’ll get upset, and he’ll know that she wasn’t to be trusted.
I’m not sure I’d agree to have her on site so that he’ll be in constant observance of her behavior (bringing anyone one at one point or another)… That would seem very painful.
SaveMyMarr: I’m sorry you seemingly have a loser for a priest. I realize that our church will be infiltrated by those that look to bring it down. A wolf in sheep’s clothing perhaps. Perhaps YOU should change churches. And for that matter, you should IMO report him to your Bishop. Because it sounds as though he is in fact making a mockery of our faith. Much like the abusers that managed to get near children. They do not IN FACT represent. They are “spies” if you will… And although, your priest has seemingly given you and your spouse inappropriate advise, (and is approving her for EM) Please realize (in the same way that not all men beat their wives) not all priests are so ill prepared in giving marriage advise according to God’s law.
OP, I have a family member who went through this sort of thing. She married young, her DH a bit older. Went on to have several children. But really she and her DH had NOTHING in common. She tried to stay until all the kids were 18 but she couldn’t stand it. Her words to me: Just looking at him makes me sick. I don’t want anything to do with him. There was NOTHING he could do about it. There was NO other man. She just walked. She left a beautiful home. She moved into a 2 bedroom apt. She got a job. She supports herself. Her children were old enough she allowed them to decide where to live. She maintained, and only went to court for 50% custody. She doesn’t even take $$ from him. Sadly her DH was heartbroken. We all feel bad for him. But we also know that he knew all along they had nothing in common but children. It was hard on her kids. But NOW, they understand. They see that she’s not a grouchy, unhappy, miserable mother anymore. It stinks. They know that. But they now have 2 parents THEY can tolerate. But see, this isn’t necessarily your situation either. There are tons of stories out there. Yours is your own… remember that!
you are 100% correct here. act nice not nuts. and i have faith in God but not priests when it comes to marital advice. the average priest only has on the job training and not very much of it at times. if your priest is anything like mine, he might even approve your wife to be Eucharistic minister after hearing her on a voice recorder saying I love you to another man. when asked why would he do that? “umm, i don’t know.” place your faith in God always yet maintain an open mind. do what works. go for the experience.
I would go with the experience of how to get through a divorce, if necessary, that is not messy and detrimental to the children. Regardless of how ugly this could get between the two. Or how hurt the OP might be in the end. It will be terrible to basically offer up his heart to be ripped right from his chest. But his marriage has no chance without doing so. He can’t make a half attempt at saving his marriage. I think he should protect himself legally. Personally, I’d be honest about it. Saying, I’m going to get a lawyer and legal counseling, so that I can protect my interests in my finances and the relationships with my children. If she’s rational… she’ll be fine with that. Some women just want out. They aren’t actually interested in leaving a path of destruction. If she’s being underhanded, then she’ll get upset, and he’ll know that she wasn’t to be trusted.
I’m not sure I’d agree to have her on site so that he’ll be in constant observance of her behavior (bringing anyone one at one point or another)… That would seem very painful.
SaveMyMarr: I’m sorry you seemingly have a loser for a priest. I realize that our church will be infiltrated by those that look to bring it down. A wolf in sheep’s clothing perhaps. Perhaps YOU should change churches. And for that matter, you should IMO report him to your Bishop. Because it sounds as though he is in fact making a mockery of our faith. Much like the abusers that managed to get near children. They do not IN FACT represent. They are “spies” if you will… And although, your priest has seemingly given you and your spouse inappropriate advise, (and is approving her for EM) Please realize (in the same way that not all men beat their wives) not all priests are so ill prepared in giving marriage advise according to God’s law.
OP, I have a family member who went through this sort of thing. She married young, her DH a bit older. Went on to have several children. But really she and her DH had NOTHING in common. She tried to stay until all the kids were 18 but she couldn’t stand it. Her words to me: Just looking at him makes me sick. I don’t want anything to do with him. There was NOTHING he could do about it. There was NO other man. She just walked. She left a beautiful home. She moved into a 2 bedroom apt. She got a job. She supports herself. Her children were old enough she allowed them to decide where to live. She maintained, and only went to court for 50% custody. She doesn’t even take $$ from him. Sadly her DH was heartbroken. We all feel bad for him. But we also know that he knew all along they had nothing in common but children. It was hard on her kids. But NOW, they understand. They see that she’s not a grouchy, unhappy, miserable mother anymore. It stinks. They know that. But they now have 2 parents THEY can tolerate. But see, this isn’t necessarily your situation either. There are tons of stories out there. Yours is your own… remember that!
C
cviolette
Guest
Thanks savemymarr. It took me to hit rock bottom and a few months of therapy and spiritual direction to get where I am. I was very selfish and stubborn at first. I will check out the website.
C
cviolette
Guest
Faithfully - some great posts. Not knowing the wife’s side, it is good to see different view points. Like you said, everyone has a different story.
As far as priest, I have dealt with two priest. Both have been amazing. Not once did they want to see the marriage end. They were concerned for my husband and the children. I go to regular confession with my parish priest now and he will ask if I am still in therapy. They are not always good marriage counselors or therapist but they will help you find what you need. Also, a good priest with follow all the Church teachings.
My friend’s wife has been dating other men. The priest told him that he can legally separate and try to work on the marriage but he can not file for divorce. She must be the person that files for divorce.
If it was not for my fear of hell and my children, I would divorce my husband. Not for another man, I realize that I am too messed up to be in another relationship right now but because I can’t stand being in my marriage. So not all women leave for another man.
As far as priest, I have dealt with two priest. Both have been amazing. Not once did they want to see the marriage end. They were concerned for my husband and the children. I go to regular confession with my parish priest now and he will ask if I am still in therapy. They are not always good marriage counselors or therapist but they will help you find what you need. Also, a good priest with follow all the Church teachings.
My friend’s wife has been dating other men. The priest told him that he can legally separate and try to work on the marriage but he can not file for divorce. She must be the person that files for divorce.
If it was not for my fear of hell and my children, I would divorce my husband. Not for another man, I realize that I am too messed up to be in another relationship right now but because I can’t stand being in my marriage. So not all women leave for another man.
S
Serap
Guest
You may find yourself in a happier marriage in a couple of years. Don’t give up hope on your marriage yet.
T
TheRealJuliane
Guest
I agree with almost everything you say, savemymarr(iage), but this one especially. If his wife wants to eat her cake and have it too, she should have to recognize her selfishness and he should finish the work she began. If at some point down the line, there could be repentance on her part, that would be another subject, and up to the OP if he could forgive, but if she really is having an affair and wanting to have the best of all worlds, that should not be allowed. If I decided to leave my marriage I would expect my husband to kick my *** out the door and change the locks! He would have no reason to allow me access to my sons since I would have been showing impaired judgment by leaving. He could allow access if he wanted to be charitable, but I would have made my choice in leaving the family. Same goes for him - if he ever walked out, he would NOT be allowed to waltz back in the same way he left. His stuff would be on the front lawn and the locks would be changed and bank accounts frozen. I know several people who would have me in a lawyer’s office the same day, in hours. I would get legal advice and not go in to anything unprepared.
Been around the block too many times, been naive too many times, do not trust someone who is betraying your trust!
L
Leap_of_Faith_1
Guest
Good Morning,
Things are progressing rather quickly now. I have been forced to face this divorce with the reality that THIS IS HAPPENING whether I want it to or not. This is not my choice and I will never condone her decision to end this marriage but to keep things from getting ugly for our children, and with some ground rules to keep that from happening, I have agreed to sign her divorce papers.
We have been talking every day (if not multiple times a day) and are remaining amicable. She has nixed the RV idea (no surprise) but is entertaining ideas on what we would be willing to do to keep from hurting the children.
For the time being, she has convinced me that there is not another man in the picture…let me explain!
Why would I believer her??? Depending on how this divorce process goes, she is telling me she is favorably considering the idea to remain in the house if I turned the house into a makeshift duplex. I would turn our large living room and 2 car garage into my apartment with locking doors on each end. When I am home, both her doors and my doors would remain open so the kids could run between our living quarters. Neither parent would be allowed in the others domain unless invited (this would be the same as if we had our own houses on opposite sides of town).
If she was involved with someone, I am fairly certain HE would never except such an arrangement!
To continue…if she agrees to except this offer, I would sign the divorce papers whenever she wants, and would be willing to start the annulment process for each of us to move on with our lives and date other people.
Providing she remains in the house (and me in my newly added apartment), I would assume a loan to pay her off for the settlement in full, as well as the new home addition for my living quarters, however,she would forfeit any future alimony should she decide at a latter date to leave.
She could continue to remain a stay at home Mom, home school the children and share the children daily with me. In return, I would grant her free room and board, including all utilities, for the next 16 years (with very specific ground rules set in place and signed by a notary). This agreement would enable her to continue life as we all know it for the children without forcing her to obtain a full time job. I would pay for virtually everything with exceptions to her med/dent insurance, auto/auto insurance, cell, spending money, etc.
Every part of this divorce, including the settlement, must remain friendly. No lawyers will be involved, only a court appointed mediator to help her understand she won’t be getting screwed out of what the courts would deem fair. Yes, I know it appears I am getting the short end of the financial stick, but this is the only way I would be able to keep from hurting the children any more than necessary and I would get to see them daily except when I’m out of town. Family life would remain pretty much the same for the children, this is essential as I stated in previous posts, I am willing to do just about anything for my children to keep them from getting hurt. The reality…my wife has the power to determine what she feels is best for five other peoples lives, I wonder how did she get such power?
I feel strongly this can work but I must let my wife go in my heart, mind and soul. I must give up on any possible hope of reconciliation for us as a couple, and move on. WOW, that is still so hard to even contemplate but this is what I must do.
I place my life in God’s hands in it’s entirety. His will be done, my part is not to question but rather trust. I will never stop praying for my wife and beg God to have mercy on her for this decision of divorce. I offer up all my pains and sufferings to the Sacred Heart of Jesus through our Blessed Mother to shield our children from unnecessary pain due to a parents bad decision.
May God Bless you and your families always!
Things are progressing rather quickly now. I have been forced to face this divorce with the reality that THIS IS HAPPENING whether I want it to or not. This is not my choice and I will never condone her decision to end this marriage but to keep things from getting ugly for our children, and with some ground rules to keep that from happening, I have agreed to sign her divorce papers.
We have been talking every day (if not multiple times a day) and are remaining amicable. She has nixed the RV idea (no surprise) but is entertaining ideas on what we would be willing to do to keep from hurting the children.
For the time being, she has convinced me that there is not another man in the picture…let me explain!
Why would I believer her??? Depending on how this divorce process goes, she is telling me she is favorably considering the idea to remain in the house if I turned the house into a makeshift duplex. I would turn our large living room and 2 car garage into my apartment with locking doors on each end. When I am home, both her doors and my doors would remain open so the kids could run between our living quarters. Neither parent would be allowed in the others domain unless invited (this would be the same as if we had our own houses on opposite sides of town).
If she was involved with someone, I am fairly certain HE would never except such an arrangement!
To continue…if she agrees to except this offer, I would sign the divorce papers whenever she wants, and would be willing to start the annulment process for each of us to move on with our lives and date other people.
Providing she remains in the house (and me in my newly added apartment), I would assume a loan to pay her off for the settlement in full, as well as the new home addition for my living quarters, however,she would forfeit any future alimony should she decide at a latter date to leave.
She could continue to remain a stay at home Mom, home school the children and share the children daily with me. In return, I would grant her free room and board, including all utilities, for the next 16 years (with very specific ground rules set in place and signed by a notary). This agreement would enable her to continue life as we all know it for the children without forcing her to obtain a full time job. I would pay for virtually everything with exceptions to her med/dent insurance, auto/auto insurance, cell, spending money, etc.
Every part of this divorce, including the settlement, must remain friendly. No lawyers will be involved, only a court appointed mediator to help her understand she won’t be getting screwed out of what the courts would deem fair. Yes, I know it appears I am getting the short end of the financial stick, but this is the only way I would be able to keep from hurting the children any more than necessary and I would get to see them daily except when I’m out of town. Family life would remain pretty much the same for the children, this is essential as I stated in previous posts, I am willing to do just about anything for my children to keep them from getting hurt. The reality…my wife has the power to determine what she feels is best for five other peoples lives, I wonder how did she get such power?
I feel strongly this can work but I must let my wife go in my heart, mind and soul. I must give up on any possible hope of reconciliation for us as a couple, and move on. WOW, that is still so hard to even contemplate but this is what I must do.
I place my life in God’s hands in it’s entirety. His will be done, my part is not to question but rather trust. I will never stop praying for my wife and beg God to have mercy on her for this decision of divorce. I offer up all my pains and sufferings to the Sacred Heart of Jesus through our Blessed Mother to shield our children from unnecessary pain due to a parents bad decision.
May God Bless you and your families always!
S
Serap
Guest
This sounds like a good arrangement for the children.
Money doesnt’ matter. It’s only money.
This is about the kids.
Money doesnt’ matter. It’s only money.
This is about the kids.
- Status