My wife

[iluvmybabies]

Just to lighten things up a bit the title of your thread reminded me of a joke and so now I’m going to tell it. One day during Mass, the front doors of the church swing open and through the front doors satan comes walking in, everyone screams and runs out of the church except for one little old man. Satan who is surprised by this goes up to the man and says to him don’t you know who I am? The old man replied, “yes”. So satan says, so if you know who I am, why aren’t you afraid of me? The old man replied, "Why should I be afraid of you? I was married to your sister for 50 years.

LOL oh I am sorry this is great!!! hahaha I think my exhusband says that about me!!! LOL

Ok back to the seriousness of the OP…I am very sorry to hear about what you are going through…

After all the issues I grew up with, my mother always a slave to my father, he used to abuse her etc I made a promise to myself I would never be like her ever! I would never depend on a man, and never let him rule over me! OF course I didn’t grow up with a family whom taught the WORD OF GOD on a daily basis more like “go to church, listen to the scriptures learn from that!” And that was it…So I never knew the correct place and the correct way to find a husband, or live in loving caring family…My family is very hypocritical…But I still love them…

Anyhow, when I got married I tried to be a good wife, but when his manipulations started taking over our daughter, I drew the line and left him…I was done…I was willing to PUT UP with him for our marriage and kids, but when he started with the children that was a line I was unwilling to allow…

Independence in a woman changes her…I don’t tolerate a lot of things…I don’t… And sometimes the fear of loss changes a person…After I almost died in the year 2000 my now exhusband then husband began mistreating me even more, leaving me a lot more and almost committing adultery…I caught him trying to make out with one of my nurses in the HOSPITAL while I was barely out of the Emergency Unit… !!! Anyhow, so I can understand why she’s reacting this way…BUT IT’s WRONG! And she needs to wake up before she loses you! Mine didn’t wake up till it was too late…Now he despises me even more than before and I couldn’t do anything else to help him…I stayed with him for almost a decade, a decade of pain, abuse, manipulation, ugh!!! SO you can’t accept her doing that to you! I understand she suffered a traumatic event in her life of almost losing you, but she didn’t and now it’s time for you two to rekindle the love you had before your accident…Work hard together for it…

TALK TO HER! Communicate, fine she doesn’t want to hear about GOD fine find a regular DOCTOR to make her happy and go from there!!!Tell her you need her there for support and go from there you know? IF she “believes” you are “blaming” yourself for things then she might be willing to go with you, it’s a way to get her to go without really manipulating her and to get her to interact with you as necessary for medicinal purposes to help your marriage and relationship out…RIght now you gotta try anything seriously before it’s too late…

Then once you see some small progress bring in GOD and show her that thanks to HIM you both were able to work out things…don’t stop praying and asking GOD. Turn to him and give him your suffering…He will take it on for you…

GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS…

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Been reading this all quietly. I will say… I find it a little interesting that the concept of abuse and a shove or a punch in the arm is being put on the same plane as what many women endure from men twice their size. For the record, when my abusive xh filed for divorce, he claimed I abused him. What a crock.

I’m not saying this person doesn’t have a grievance. I’m not saying there isn’t a big problem. I’m not saying the wife is right. I’m saying there has to be more to this story. What is the context a “shove” took place in? When he put his arm around her waist, was it a prelude to an invitation to sex, when this woman obviously wants no more children?

I will say when physical abuse takes place, men have the capacity to do much more physical damage. Women can be much better at verbal abuse. (Though my xh was the champion of the sport in the men’s division.)

Nothing in a marriage happens in a vacuum. Things we bring from our childhoods, our dating experience, our engagement and early marriage, and behavior of both spouses during the marriage create an environment that changes people. Both people.

So in my customary way of throwing out sentences and seeing which ones stick… here goes:

This wife is very angry about something. What is she really angry about? He has given us no details about that.

He had a conversion experience. A near-death experience too. Did that make him hyper-religious and zealous and does he now appear to judge those who aren’t on his same spiritual plane? His wife reacted to the cancer episode with panic. She probably looked around and realized she was in a horrible position economically and maybe he didn’t have life insurance or much in the way of providing for his family if something happened to him? Maybe she is angry about that? Being a SAHM and then realizing how vulnerable you’ve been can be very unnerving to someone who wasn’t a breadwinner.

I don’t blame cancer victims. But one question: was it a kind of cancer that came about from personal habits (i.e., smoking… that she may have had issues with?) There may be underlying anger if she perceives you put yourself in that position. (No one nowadays can claim they don’t know the risk.)

She now has a degree (good for supporting her ) and a job. She is in her late 30s now? Of course she doesn’t want to get pregnant as the other kids start teen years if she’s becoming independent. Independence can change a woman. Almost losing someone important can awaken abandonment issues from childhood. You don’t say what kind of husband you were or what kind of marriage you had before this incident. Quite frankly, if you were horrible to her before, she may be angry you didn’t die. (I know how that looks rereading it. But I’ll leave it anyway.) If you were a great husband before and had a healthy marriage before that, how did YOU change afterward? Some people use life altering events as an excuse to be abusive themselves. After my xh’s father died, everything became about that and if I asked him to not call me names or throw things I was “coming down hard on him after his father died.” Ummm… your father died 2 years ago… Everything I say to you now is going to be “after your father died.”

We don’t have enough information to advise you other than to say your wife is lashing out at you for some reason. And if this behavior didn’t exist from the beginning of the marriage, something else is causing it. Most abusers start incipient abuse during the dating and engagement period and “change” right after the wedding or the birth of the first child and become full-blown abusers when their spouse becomes absorbed with something that “isn’t them.”

The women who abuse who I’ve read about who cause real damage use knives, heavy iron skillets to beat a man black and blue, cigarette burns, kicking, hair pulling, attacks from behind, throwing things…

Disclaimer:
I guess I once “abused” my xh. I shoved him away with my hands on his chest. I did. I guess that makes me a bad person. He wrote that in the lawyer’s document. He forgot to mention the part about how 30 seconds before I did that he hawked a disgusting wad of spittle right into my face. And he was backing me up to a full length window that looked out over a concrete driveway one floor below. In front of my children. But he claimed I was the abuser. Know that that is MY experience when reading a “man’s version” of events.

This couple needs real counselling to get to the real issue here.

 

[TOP]

She said “no” to counseling last night.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Hi TOP- Did she say why? *

 

[TOP]

*Hi TOP- Did she say why? *

After I asked her that, I told her that I loved her more then anything in the world. She said , it’s too late for that. I’m just taking it day by day. One of the messed up things about this situation is that a couple of years ago, I signed everything , 30 acres, 2 house’s, cars… over to her because she said she didn’t feel secure if something happened to me. This place is family property that was handed down to me by my father and my brother contended it, thus her fear of a lawsuit if I died. Ya, I’m a sucker.

 

[Zelie_Louis]

This thread can remain open as long as posts stay on topic. As a reminder, charity is a requirement of all posters at CAF.

 

[ready]

Verbal abuse, pyhsical abuse, withholding relations, mocking my faith to the point I can’t even goe to mass with the family. If I mention God in my house, she says your a nut. Tired of sleeping on the couch. Should I trade her in for a new unit, perhaps something in red with green eyes?

Her behavior sounds really bad. You might have to separate, but I hope you can work things out between the two of you. Try counseling and see if you can get her heart to soften by praying for her.

 

[funnyyetsavvy]

After I asked her that, I told her that I loved her more then anything in the world. She said , it’s too late for that. I’m just taking it day by day. One of the messed up things about this situation is that a couple of years ago, I signed everything , 30 acres, 2 house’s, cars… over to her because she said she didn’t feel secure if something happened to me. This place is family property that was handed down to me by my father and my brother contended it, thus her fear of a lawsuit if I died. Ya, I’m a sucker.

TOP, I must confess, this is sounding familiar.

I have a former coworker who is married, but has a spouse who has reignited an old flame from many years ago via the internet. Her statement to him was the same as what you were told…“it’s too late for that, it’s just day by day”. She also told him the “I love you but I’m not IN love with you.”

I cannot fathom what this is supposed to mean? What does that mean, it’s just day by day? Until when? and why?

I would be asking what that is supposed to mean. If the status quo is domestic violence, then for the mental health of all concerned, it has to change before there is injury or worse. Surely the OP finds it difficult to focus on job, relatives, etc with this dysfunction happening in the home. How does one enjoy the holidays with a partner who is taking it ‘day by day’? How do you share the joy of Christmas with a partner who won’t join you emotionally?

She has achieved so much, and it seems the OP has been supportive. Let me share with you some advice a pastor gave to me when I was in my marriage. He told me, “There is a time to kneel and pray, and a time to cut and run”…I have never met a man of God who believes a spouse should live in danger.

I still hope you will try to shower her with blessings, so that come what may, you may be blessed by God for your humility and servant heart. Let it be said of you that Godly chivalry was your attitude.

 

[dulcissima]

Men can be abused. And size doesn’t necessarily make a difference. It really does boil down to someone being willing to hit, kick, or shove someone else. I don’t think a woman should ever do this to a man because she should know that men are never supposed to do it to women. Often, that very good value that a man has, in not hitting women, is used against him and he is in a position where he can not defend himself. Also, borderlines tend to be women more than men, and they are the ones who get enraged beyond control.

To the OP, I skipped a page or two due to the drift in topic, so I might have missed this. Have you been to counseling for yourself, individual counseling? You really need it so that you can see more clearly that you should not put up with all that your wife is dishing out. Her behavior to you is totally unacceptable. And maybe she is right that it’s too late for your loving her to make a difference. It could be that it is too late because she has crossed over the line, and your love is not enough to hold things together when she is behaving the way that she is.

 

[whatevergirl]

After I asked her that, I told her that I loved her more then anything in the world. She said , it’s too late for that. I’m just taking it day by day. One of the messed up things about this situation is that a couple of years ago, I signed everything , 30 acres, 2 house’s, cars… over to her because she said she didn’t feel secure if something happened to me. This place is family property that was handed down to me by my father and my brother contended it, thus her fear of a lawsuit if I died. Ya, I’m a sucker.

*All I want you to know is I’m praying for you. *

 

[rpp]

sigh You let my point fly right over your head.
The only reason I was rebuking a woman on this thread is because she was showing charity for the woman in the OP’s scinerio. Sorry, but I will never believe an abuser deserves charity. Period.
And that Is what I’m not ok with.

As for that Scropture you ordered, it’s Matt. 16:23. (and sorry, I meant to say the apostle Peter.) -Paul heavily rebuked Peter as well.

It’s amazing that you go on to say,

“You ignore the fact the fact that women can and do indeed abuse men based on the fear that real men have that women can physically abuse them with impunity because the expectation is that only men abuse women. Address that and you will start to connect with reality.”

I was like, BINGO! Not everyone deserves charity. And I think that is where we’ll disagree. An abuser deserves no charity. Male of female.

Referring to the text in bold, that is a completely un-Christian attitude and, is fact, gravely sinful. THAT is the point, you are attempting to justify un-Christian behavior.

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

TOP, have you been abusive to your wife, or perhaps you controlled the finances alone in a despotic way while you were the sole breadwinner, so that your wife felt mistreated, unappreciated and taken advantage of? Have you been fooling around with other women? Is there any major grief or injury that your wife suffered, that you failed to mention yet?

Frankly, to me, based on what you said so far, it does not seem that you did anything wrong to her.

It’s more like she is really wicked, and she is on her way out of this marriage. Looks like she already made up her mind, and only waiting to find some lame excuse to make it all seem your fault when she is finally going to dump you.

If she refuses to work on this marriage, have counseling with you, that’s a huge red flag.

I would discretely look for an attorney and discuss the situation. I would also snoop around for suspicious signs that could indicate an affair, especially if there is any indication that your wife is trying to hide her phone calls, e-mails, or is not transparent about the time she spends away from home.

P.S. I’m a fellow sucker.

 

[ready]

I still hope you will try to shower her with blessings, so that come what may, you may be blessed by God for your humility and servant heart. Let it be said of you that Godly chivalry was your attitude.

Yes.

 

[Serap]

TOP, if I were you, I’d hire a private investigator to find out what she’s up to behind your back. You may find out that she’s spending time with someone else and possibly committing adultry. By the way she’s acting, I wouldn’t be surprised.

She seems to be heading out the door. That’s the feeling I get. You need to arm yourself legally b/c it’s very likely that she’s going to leave you. You don’t want to be left high and dry. Put some of your investments into an account that your wife doesn’t have access to. I hope I’m wrong, but please protect yourself legally in this situation. The writing is on the wall; I just hope that something changes for the better for you

I will pray that you gather your strength, protect yourself, but at the same time, be open to repairing your marriage (only if she is willing also).

Go to the bank TODAY!!!

I have seen some of my male friends get totally burned and lose everything b/c the wife empties all the accounts, takes the cars and sells them, etc. before filing for separation/divorce and the guy is left high and dry. Don’t be a sucker…protect yourself just in case!!!

I will pray for you in the mean time.

Oh and while your at the bank, cancel all credit cards (OR lower the credit limit) that she has access to and make her get her own credit cards.

 

[graceandglory]

Been reading this all quietly. I will say… I find it a little interesting that the concept of abuse and a shove or a punch in the arm is being put on the same plane as what many women endure from men twice their size. For the record, when my abusive xh filed for divorce, he claimed I abused him. What a crock.

I’m not saying this person doesn’t have a grievance. I’m not saying there isn’t a big problem. I’m not saying the wife is right. I’m saying there has to be more to this story. What is the context a “shove” took place in? When he put his arm around her waist, was it a prelude to an invitation to sex, when this woman obviously wants no more children?

I will say when physical abuse takes place, men have the capacity to do much more physical damage. Women can be much better at verbal abuse. (Though my xh was the champion of the sport in the men’s division.)

Nothing in a marriage happens in a vacuum. Things we bring from our childhoods, our dating experience, our engagement and early marriage, and behavior of both spouses during the marriage create an environment that changes people. Both people.

So in my customary way of throwing out sentences and seeing which ones stick… here goes:

This wife is very angry about something. What is she really angry about? He has given us no details about that.

He had a conversion experience. A near-death experience too. Did that make him hyper-religious and zealous and does he now appear to judge those who aren’t on his same spiritual plane? His wife reacted to the cancer episode with panic. She probably looked around and realized she was in a horrible position economically and maybe he didn’t have life insurance or much in the way of providing for his family if something happened to him? Maybe she is angry about that? Being a SAHM and then realizing how vulnerable you’ve been can be very unnerving to someone who wasn’t a breadwinner.

I don’t blame cancer victims. But one question: was it a kind of cancer that came about from personal habits (i.e., smoking… that she may have had issues with?) There may be underlying anger if she perceives you put yourself in that position. (No one nowadays can claim they don’t know the risk.)

She now has a degree (good for supporting her ) and a job. She is in her late 30s now? Of course she doesn’t want to get pregnant as the other kids start teen years if she’s becoming independent. Independence can change a woman. Almost losing someone important can awaken abandonment issues from childhood. You don’t say what kind of husband you were or what kind of marriage you had before this incident. Quite frankly, if you were horrible to her before, she may be angry you didn’t die. (I know how that looks rereading it. But I’ll leave it anyway.) If you were a great husband before and had a healthy marriage before that, how did YOU change afterward? Some people use life altering events as an excuse to be abusive themselves. After my xh’s father died, everything became about that and if I asked him to not call me names or throw things I was “coming down hard on him after his father died.” Ummm… your father died 2 years ago… Everything I say to you now is going to be “after your father died.”

We don’t have enough information to advise you other than to say your wife is lashing out at you for some reason. And if this behavior didn’t exist from the beginning of the marriage, something else is causing it. Most abusers start incipient abuse during the dating and engagement period and “change” right after the wedding or the birth of the first child and become full-blown abusers when their spouse becomes absorbed with something that “isn’t them.”

The women who abuse who I’ve read about who cause real damage use knives, heavy iron skillets to beat a man black and blue, cigarette burns, kicking, hair pulling, attacks from behind, throwing things…

Disclaimer:
I guess I once “abused” my xh. I shoved him away with my hands on his chest. I did. I guess that makes me a bad person. He wrote that in the lawyer’s document. He forgot to mention the part about how 30 seconds before I did that he hawked a disgusting wad of spittle right into my face. And he was backing me up to a full length window that looked out over a concrete driveway one floor below. In front of my children. But he claimed I was the abuser. Know that that is MY experience when reading a “man’s version” of events.

This couple needs real counselling to get to the real issue here.

God bless you. Your story exemplifies the point that there really are two sides to every story. Thank you for sharing it.

 

[iluvmybabies]

After I asked her that, I told her that I loved her more then anything in the world. She said , it’s too late for that. I’m just taking it day by day. One of the messed up things about this situation is that a couple of years ago, I signed everything , 30 acres, 2 house’s, cars… over to her because she said she didn’t feel secure if something happened to me. This place is family property that was handed down to me by my father and my brother contended it, thus her fear of a lawsuit if I died. Ya, I’m a sucker.

No you are not a sucker you did the right thing, you took care of your family and gave her security…I want to tell you something…

After I was a sahm and was “forced” to work outside of the home, I grew resentful of my husband- after all the mistreatment he caused me leaving my children with someone else was the worst thing he could have ever forced me to do… I didn’t like him and after all the mistreatment it was too late to rekindle anything…I was done with him…BUT I was the one that almost died not him…YET he turned around and his mistreatment grew even more and my hate and resentment as well…My want to be independent after that was unstoppable and I was unwilling to work anything out with him once the love I had was completely gone. There was no respect, no affection, no friendship nothing… BUT if he would have gone with me when I first offered the counseling we might have had a chance…

BUT I didn’t use reverse psychology…for people like that whom seem to be happy hurting others after a terrible pain they have suffered, kind of like the Linkin Park song “Points of Authority” some of the lyrics go:

"You love the way I look at you
While taking pleasure in the awful things you put me through
You take away if I give in
My life
My pride is broken

You like to think you’re never wrong
(You live what you’ve learned)
You have to act like you’re someone
(You live what you’ve learned)
You want someone to hurt like you
(You live what you’ve learned)
You want to share what you’ve been through
(You live what you’ve learned)

You love the things I say I’ll do
The way I’ll hurt myself again just to get back at you
You take away when I give in / my life
My pride is broken"

I really believe people do that, my exhusband did that to me all the time…He lost his mother at 13, I took him in with the whole “I can show him love GOD hope and family!” Yeah that went pretty well…He hated me being semi close to my family, he hated my family and always turned us against each other and I let that go on for almost a decade because my place was my husband…And things went really bad…Some people are just like that…Never changing…But since we don’t know the full content of your live’s story with your wife I can’t say the same thing is happening here for you…Since you claim she just started after she almost lost you…

Perhaps while you were ill she found someone whom she could trust and felt comfortable with and her heart’s changed…Found some kind of security in someone else whom might not be ill whom she thinks might be around forever??? I know that my exhusband didn’t waste any time doing this while I was barely breathing…It was devastating and then he wanted to leave me didn’t tell me why just wanted to but I left him before he could leave me… Like I said being forced into independence changes people!

If we knew a little more perhaps better advise could be provided. Use reverse psychology on her, “blame yourself” for her mishaps, humble yourself a huge sacrifice yes but one that might actually help you, if you have her believe that “it was all your fault” not hers of all the situations that have led to her being this way, and how badly “you need counseling” and that you would appreciate her joining you for your own purpose of “salvation!” perhaps you could get her to go join you and hear you out…Then the counselor will eventually get her involved and things can work out better…A marriage takes a lot of work and after several circumstances of trauma it’s really difficult to find oneself and she might be having this problem…After being so used to being a sahm and then being out in the world it’s hard to place yourself and to go back to the “normal” ways…

So give reverse psychology a try…seems wrong but right now you are both in need of help and your marriage and family are in desperate need. A little reverse psychology never hurt anyone instead it might actually help you out!

Keep us posted…GOD bless.

 

[JRPO]

 

[MrZetterlund]

I was like, BINGO! Not everyone deserves charity. And I think that is where we’ll disagree. An abuser deserves no charity. Male of female.

Referring to the text in bold, that is a completely un-Christian attitude and, is fact, gravely sinful. THAT is the point, you are attempting to justify un-Christian behavior.

Well, I disagree. I do not believe Jesus would be charitable as in being lenient to judging an abuser.
Perhaps charitable in offering what one who is an abuser would need, which is rebuking, then I’ll agree.

But seeing as how I’m getting a warning letter from the Thread Police, I Jared Elliott Zetterlund here by renounce my lack of charity on these forums.

Oh, and we need to stay on topic.

 

[Serap]

I was like, BINGO! Not everyone deserves charity. And I think that is where we’ll disagree. An abuser deserves no charity. Male of female.

Well, I disagree. I do not believe Jesus would be charitable as in being lenient to judging an abuser.
Perhaps charitable in offering what one who is an abuser would need, which is rebuking, then I’ll agree.

But seeing as how I’m getting a warning letter from the Thread Police, I Jared Elliott Zetterlund here by renounce my lack of charity on these forums.

Oh, and we need to stay on topic.

Please take this debate off line. The Moderator has already threatened to close this thread b/c of your argument with eachother and it’s not fair to TOP and people who are trying to help him.

Please PM eachother instead.

 

[MrZetterlund]

Please take this debate off line. The Moderator has already threatened to close this thread b/c of your argument with eachother and it’s not fair to TOP and people who are trying to help him.

Please PM eachother instead.

srry. will do.