Nasty comments on having "Too Many" babies how to deal with this?

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kaymart

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My daughter is in her mid-twenties married and is due to have her third child soon. :love: Everyone is overjoyed and happy. The only saddness is the “constant advice” she is getting from so-called health care experts about really considering some kind of birth control other than NFP. She is made to feel embarrassed and even stupid. One nurse told her after three kids, most women have their tubes tied. My daughter said I’m not most women, besides I’m Catholic and even if I wasn’t I would not do that. Then in a snotty tone the nurse told her I hope you always have money to support all these children you plan to have. Why do people act like this???:confused: Also another nasty comment from another patient was “Is that your mother,(meaning me) she looks so young, seems like you both started having babies while still babies.” Then she had the gall to ask “Are you married?” My daughter said “yes” Then she asked “Did you have to get married?” :eek: Talk about a nosy busybody…I was 21 when I had her and she was 3 months shy of her 21st birthday when she had her first. We were not “babies” and neither of us were in the “family way” when we married. Any advice on how to deal with these types of people witthout stooping to their level???:banghead:
 
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mjdonnelly:
Ask them if their parents had any children with manners.
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:rotfl: I love it.
 
I helped a young mother into a store yesterday - two children in a stroller and two older toddlers. She looked a little harried and I smiled at her and said, “What a wonderful family! I had five, myself.” She said, “Oh, and you survived!” I laughed and told her, “Yes, darling girl and so will you! Enjoy every bit of this that you can, even on the hard days, because they will be grown and flown before you know it.” She gave me such a big smile and said, “Thank you!”

People used to ask me (depending upon which area of the country I lived in) if I were Catholic or Mormon. I would say with a huge smile, “Nope, just very well blessed!”

Five children! You know, they’ve figured out what causes that, right? (Well, yes… which ones would you like me to send back?)

Ohmigod, what are you, some kind of breeding machine? (Yes, I’m making sure that I have enough doctors and lawyers to support me in my old age.)

Five children? In this day and age? (Yes - I’m the oldest of thirteen, and I’m still trying to catch up to my parents.)

Good heavens! How do you provide for all of them? *(Well, the oldest ones sleep in the car, and that’s working pretty well for us. And we scrounge the bins behind Winn-Dixie when things get tough - every little bit helps.) :rolleyes: *

Where do people get the idea that they have the right to make comments on the number of children you have/don’t have? I admit, I tend to lose my temper with this type of rude presumption.

Our culture does not value children, obviously. This has just overflowed into what passes for polite conversation. If your daughter doesn’t want to be uncharitable and rude in return (as I am regrettably wont to be) then she needs to just chalk it up to ignorance and cloddishness and keep smiling.

But, I sure wouldn’t blame her if she developed a few smart-alec responses of her own. 😛

Elizabeth
 
I like the Ann Landers approach, “Why on earth would you ask such a rude question? (or make such a rude comment?)”:
 
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kaymart:
Any advice on how to deal with these types of people witthout stooping to their level???:banghead:
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Well, you could always ignore them.
My wife (who is currently pregnant with our first) and I are hoping God will eventually bless us with somewhere between 9 and 20 children (though He knows best what we can handle).
I’m a bit looking forward to these types of people revealing themselves to us (via such comments):
  • …and we’re hoping for at least 5 more!
  • No, these aren’t all our kids. There’s ___ more out in the car!
    What fun to look forward to… too bad it’s a result of a corrupted society 😉
 
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kaymart:
One nurse told her after three kids, most women have their tubes tied. My daughter said I’m not most women, besides I’m Catholic and even if I wasn’t I would not do that. Then in a snotty tone the nurse told her I hope you always have money to support all these children you plan to have. Why do people act like this???:confused:
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Because they don’t know any better. (See the response from mjdonnelly.)

The nurse might have been thinking she was making a neutral observation about “most women” and was genuinely curious. She may have thought the answer about being Catholic was condescending, so she had to elevate her condescention level to make sure nobody would elevate higher than her.

I like to answer in a way to try to lighten it up, or to beat the other person to the stereotype you think they may be holding. For example, I could have said, “after only three? But that’s not even a basketball team, let alone a football team.” Another one would be, “yes, but I’m Catholic so I don’t think I’m supposed to know what causes that.” These kinds of answers usually catch the other person off-guard, and sometimes it takes only one.

When the woman asked about the money, I’d have been tempted to smile sweetly at her and say, “yes, I hope I have enough money too. If not, I know there’s always public assistance to help me raise all of them, thank God for the Democrats” or, “I plan to put them to work at a verrry young age to start building my retirement funds.”
(continued)
 
(continued)
Also another nasty comment from another patient was “Is that your mother,(meaning me) she looks so young, seems like you both started having babies while still babies.” Then she had the gall to ask “Are you married?” My daughter said “yes”
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The answer to this is to try to be convincingly thankful and not even acknowledge you thought it might have been a slight. Answer as if you are so pleased with your family you don’t even notice the woman is a b-itch. For example, “yes, people flatter me all the time, but I can’t really claim credit; you see, I use Palmolive and it really does keep my hands looking young.”

“Are you married” you could take several ways. One would be to pause a moment and act like you’re trying to count something and mumble, “let’s see, May, April…” and then triumphantly announce, “yes, as a matter of fact I am!”

This actually wouldn’t be too far off base. This tax season, I had several clients who needed help figuring out if they were legally married for tax purposes. One got so upset that once I did establish that he wasn’t married to his previous concubine and could file single, he and his current concubine got up and walked out. Good riddance; if it takes 20 minutes to figure out whether you are married then you have more problems than I can fix by doing your tax return properly.
Then she asked “Did you have to get married?” :eek: Talk about a nosy busybody…I was 21 when I had her and she was 3 months shy of her 21st birthday when she had her first. We were not “babies” and neither of us were in the “family way” when we married. Any advice on how to deal with these types of people witthout stooping to their level???:banghead:
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First, never let them see you be offended.

I love the “did you have to get married.” In my case, I actually didn’t get married until our second child was on the way, :o but I no longer feel any guilt or defensiveness because we are now fully blessed in the Church and have an incredible family. This frees me up to say, “no, I didn’t have to get married, but it was better than a shotgun wound.”

In your case you are innocent of this, so you can either lie and use the above phrase or take it another way, such as “you know, a lot of people ask that. Do you think I might have missed out on something by getting married before having children?”

It’s best if they aren’t sure if you’re “serious.” The fun thing is to anticipate whatever stereotypes they are alluding to and then beat them to it. Takes the wind right out of their sails, and shows their stupid comments cannot harm those who are in Christ Jesus.

Overall, please don’t be too critical of people who ask these fool questions. The questions may not be as dumb as they sound. They are rude, but not dumb. When I was doing taxes, for example, and a really nice couple with one or two cute, well-behaved kids came in to do their taxes, I had to ask them whether they are filing joint this year (gently hinting around at asking if they are married) and then depending on the situation I’d also need to know if the child belonged to them both and some other things. I am chagrined to say that more often than not, I was not looking at a married couple with their own kids and no previous spouses or children to deal with custody issues.

Of course, it was my business to get to know enough about their living arrangements, so I could finagle their pathetic situation within the tax laws to score them the highest legal refund I could.

One time near the end of the season I kind of broke down a bit and told one client, “you know, I find it a bit refreshing when a married couple with their own children and no extras come in to file.”

Problem is, often the fact that they are married ties my hands as to how much money I can get them. Once I sent away a couple shacking up with a child of their own as well as two children belonging to the girl (three total, all under age 8) with around $2,500 each, mostly Earned Income Credit, a.k.a. negative income tax. If they had been married, the best I could have done all other things being equal (income, children, etc) would have been about $250 refund.

In summary, don’t let them see that it bothers you. Pretend you didn’t even notice their implicit snipe, and act all happy that they are interested. Sometimes I’ve said, “you know, last I counted I had six but it’s hard to get a good count because sometimes the pesky neighbors keep sneaking their kids over to get a free meal.” (I got that from a letter that a friend with 17 children once wrote to the Illinois state taxing authority – eventually they were written up in Reader’s Digest under a slightly modified last name “Miracal” or something.) Another one is when they ask if they are all mine, I quick look around and see if anyone’s listening and say “that’s what my wife tells me, anyway, and I dare not question her!”

Alan
 
Oh, another thing to take into account is if they are fairly young, they might be hopelessly under the influence of political brainwashing in the form of children’s television shows, such as the satanic on “Captain Planet” where they routinely and obviously place serious guilt on anyone with more than two children in no uncertain terms, from subtle to outright vitriolic.

If you want to be astounded at how satanic a supposedly “earth friendly” environmental awareness cartoon is, watch “Captain Planet.” They go so far as to encourage children with large families to sound off to their parents about their irresponsibility in having too many kids in this day and age.

I bet Planned Parenthood writes half their scripts. These kinds of children’s shows are more dangerous than the Three Stooges anyday, and I’d even say a great deal more dangerous than South Park because they actually pretend to be serious education for the kids. I’m not sure, but I think one of the reasons Captain Planet ran so much is it might have counted toward the “educational” content required of children’s networks.

Father forgive them for they know not what they do.

There is only one time I really couldn’t talk my way out of an bad attitude attack from one particular pro-abort, earth-responsible, stereotypical liberal Democrat who refused to have any kids because they though somebody had to be responsible (as opposed to me with six kids, for example.) I told them very calmly, and with a genuine smile that I really never wanted that many children before, but now I realize I can raise them all conservative Republicans and after the next couple presidential elections I’ll have eight votes to their two. Guess what, that immediately ended the conversation and we both went straight back to work.

Also, playing on the Catholic stereotypes I might say, “yes, they are all mine. You should see how happy our priest is about these first few children we’ve had.”

Once when asked in a mildly scornful way in a waiting room if these are all my children, I looked around at them, counted them, and said, “no, it looks like about 17% of them are missing,” (that’s 1 out of 6). Seeing this answer was disgusting, I figured this person was looking for anger food so I fed her with, “you know, they can really be a hassle sometimes, not to mention the expense. For a while I considered throwing back, that one and ummm, (pointing) that one – or wait a minute I get mixed up. I keep forgetting which ones are which.” For the first time in my life, I got the cliche, “well, I never!” I glanced at the aging woman up and down a bit, then said empathetically, “oh, I suppose you haven’t. I’m very sorry for you.”

Alan
 
We have three children…rather young adults right now, and this fall we will be empty nesters…right now, I would give anything if God would have gifted us with more. Family is everything! May God grant you a healthy and happy one, large or small!

Say…We pray, Let your will be done, God…and this is how He trusts and loves us with many children!
 
I read this someplace. It works with all kinds of rude comments & questions: Ask the person, “What did you say?”…Then, when they repeat it (if they have the nerve–many do), say: “I thought that was what I heard you say. I just couldn’t believe that anybody could be that rude”.
And walk away. (The;) thudding noise is :rotfl: their jaws dropping…)
God bless.
 
"Why on earth would you want so many children?"

“I’m trying to raise a private army so I can take over the world.”

"Somebody has to male up for all those abortions."

“Why did your parents want only one?”

“Ich spreche keine Engische----bitte, konnte Sie langsamer sperechen?”

“The Muslims are outstripping us—we have to catch up.”

“We’re hoping that one of these times it won’t work----but we’re foggy on the method, so we have to keep practicing.”
 
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Wolseley:
“Why did your parents want only one?”
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:eek: :rotfl:
“We’re hoping that one of these times it won’t work----but we’re foggy on the method, so we have to keep practicing.”
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:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

OMG, my sides are hurting. I have to quit reading!

Alan
 
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Wolseley:
“I’m trying to raise a private army so I can take over the world.”
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That’s great! I’ll add:

“This is my solution to the Social Security crisis”
 
I’m not convinced that snide remarks will win anyone over or convince them that you’re happy (not that you have to convince them of anything). If you have to reply, find a kind way to say it’s a personal question and you prefer not to answer. —KCT
 
The medical world sometimes think they know what’s best. I refused the tests that they offer to find out about abnormal pregnancies bucause I knew I would never abort. They didn’t pressure me, but if I were to do the childbearing years over again I would choose Catholic doctors that are prolife. They must be out there! I never gave it a thought when I was young and pregnant. I was more concerned about birthing rooms and good delivery experiences.

I think they are rude to comment to your daughter, and rude to treat her like she doesn’t know how she got pregnant. Our society has gotten very rude.

God Bless her for her faithfulness to God and rasing a family.
 
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Fitz:
The medical world sometimes think they know what’s best. I refused the tests that they offer to find out about abnormal pregnancies bucause I knew I would never abort. They didn’t pressure me, but if I were to do the childbearing years over again I would choose Catholic doctors that are prolife. They must be out there! I never gave it a thought when I was young and pregnant. I was more concerned about birthing rooms and good delivery experiences.
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We used our Catholic family doctor for our first child, and a really great Catholic OB/GYN for those after the first.

Each time we were asked about the tests. We asked if they were required, no. We asked if there were any positive results, if there was anything that could be done to help the baby; they said no. We asked if there was any risk to the baby, a slight risk. Based on tests that may harm the baby and cannot help it, we said we would waive the tests, and thanked them for making us aware of them. Afterwards, they let us know they were pleased with our decision.

They had to ask, because they are required by law.

Alan
 
One serious caution, with both my 3rd and 4th children, the staff at the hospital while I was in labor repeatedly asked me if I was getting my tubes tied. Make sure your daughter knows these are sneaky routine questions and to be aware of them during delivery!
God bless!!
 
unless having more children has a significant risk (like if they’ve already had multiple C-sections), it is not a health-care provider’s concern should they choose to have more children. If they are already having a lot of trouble making ends meet (and failing at times), then I would hope they would practice natural family planning, so they don’t end up homeless.

as for passers-by commenting on how many children you have…it’s simply none of their business.
 
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