Need advice about a "friend"

[prolifewife]

You mentioned that you were much closer before you got married. Is your friend also married? If not could she be suffering from a tad bit of jealousy, or feeling left out? Maybe it hurts her to see you all happy and married and she is still single. Just a thought. I would let her keep in touch. When she does, great, when she doesn’t it isn’t you and don’t worry about it.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

You mentioned that you were much closer before you got married. Is your friend also married? If not could she be suffering from a tad bit of jealousy, or feeling left out? Maybe it hurts her to see you all happy and married and she is still single. Just a thought. I would let her keep in touch. When she does, great, when she doesn’t it isn’t you and don’t worry about it.

She is married. And has been since beore I knew her. I thought I mentioned this is my OP?

I_Fortuna:

For you to go over to her house and bang on the door is, IMHO, extreme.

Did you read my follow up post at the top of this page?

RascalKing:

You seem like a good person to even think about the friendship-your better than I am. If someone is talking about me behind my back, I break the friendship. I’m a loyal guy to my friends, I expect the same in return.

What I would do is talk to her and say, “Look, I love like you nuts, but I seem to be the one pouring out my heart over this friendship, and your acting a bit flakey. What’s up?”

If she still acts like this, I wouldn’t bother.

Sorry, I typed that post on a mobile device so there might have been some errors. She wasn’t talking bad about me behind my back. A third party had told me she was and I went over to her house to clear things up. This was the final blow for that third party and neither of us speak to that person anymore.

I am really just concerned because she has health problems, and says she is losing friends left and right and is begging me to stay with her. I always credit myself with being a loyal friend, no matter what, but this is becoming too painful for me to really deal with, and is making me angry that she is hurting me by her inactions.

 

[mariagoretti24]

This sounds very much like a friendship I had a few years back- I handled it much like you have. She was also the dominant one in the friendship, and I the more passive one. We were best friends, but over time she would ignore me for long periods and I could never understand why. Then we would go back to talking and spending time the way we used to for some time, then it was back to being ignored. I just couldn’t keep that up- it was too painful for me. I would remember all the good times we shared, how close we had been… while she ignored me, I would eventually get used to not spending time with her or talking. But then she would want to spend time with me and we’d be back being best friends. But inevitably, she’d go back to ignoring me. It was like a scabbed over wound that kept on being ripped off.
I realized that it was an unhealthy relationship and told her so. I said that for my peace of mind, I couldn’t spend any more time with her. I was rooming with her at the time. She was in tears, we talked for hours, and I decided not to end the friendship- thinking we were back to being best friends. A few weeks later, she became angry with me for reasons still to this day I don’t understand. I was kicked out of the apartment. Though it was incredibly painful, in the end, it was what we both needed- to just be cut off from each other. I wish it could have been done in a less painful way, but I found the healing I was longing for. It forced me to stop spending energy on one friendship and to start spending my time and energy on other friends.

Now after I’ve healed from my previous friendship, I will see her occasionally and we talk like casual friends. I am now able to do that with her and have a relationship with her like she wants- just a friend she’ll meet for lunch every few months. Though I don’t understand it, and probably never will, I am at peace now- which is the most important thing.
Is guilt keeping you from ending the relationship? Are you afraid that you leaving her would cause her too much pain? Just remember that she’s not alone- she has a husband and it sounds like she has many other friends too- so you aren’t abandoning her.
Jealously is natural, and I struggled with that a lot with my best friend. I couldn’t overcome it, and that’s when I knew I had to end the friendship.

From what I’ve read in this thread, and from my experience with my friend, I think you really do need to end this relationship. It sounds like it’s affecting you way too much. It will be very painful at first to end it, but in the end you’ll be at peace. I pray that you will find peace.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

She may really be suffering from depression and anxiety. It’s not drama if that’s the case.

This happened to me.

I had a friend that I didn’t talk to for two years because of my depression.

Limit the friendship to talking on the telephone. Call hrt and keep calling her, she may be they type (now) to not feel like talking much and often however, she will feel better just knowing you care.

Don’t go to her house…send a card. Leave a message that you are just thinking about her, etc.

This is helpful. Thank you. I suppose drama was the wrong word. I was meaning to say that she is having these issues and they are hurting me deeply, and I don’t know if I have the stamina to keep up this friendship where I am being ignored in such a major way for 4-6 or even more, months at a time. And when I do get ahold of her to tell her that I can’t keep this up, she begs me to stay.

I suppose the best way to say it is I feel trapped, and I don’t know how to uninvest my emotions and draw back so I can get through this sane. She was a very big part of my life for a long time, and I found in her a friendship that was one of the stronger ones I’ve experienced. I don’t know how I can get out of this while believing that I am “loyal” and I don’t know what to do to help her so I don’t abandon her, and I…well. Just feel trapped.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

This sounds very much like a friendship I had a few years back- I handled it much like you have. She was also the dominant one in the friendship, and I the more passive one. We were best friends, but over time she would ignore me for long periods and I could never understand why. Then we would go back to talking and spending time the way we used to for some time, then it was back to being ignored. I just couldn’t keep that up- it was too painful for me. I would remember all the good times we shared, how close we had been… while she ignored me, I would eventually get used to not spending time with her or talking. But then she would want to spend time with me and we’d be back being best friends. But inevitably, she’d go back to ignoring me. It was like a scabbed over wound that kept on being ripped off.
I realized that it was an unhealthy relationship and told her so. I said that for my peace of mind, I couldn’t spend any more time with her. I was rooming with her at the time. She was in tears, we talked for hours, and I decided not to end the friendship- thinking we were back to being best friends. A few weeks later, she became angry with me for reasons still to this day I don’t understand. I was kicked out of the apartment. Though it was incredibly painful, in the end, it was what we both needed- to just be cut off from each other. I wish it could have been done in a less painful way, but I found the healing I was longing for. It forced me to stop spending energy on one friendship and to start spending my time and energy on other friends.

Now after I’ve healed from my previous friendship, I will see her occasionally and we talk like casual friends. I am now able to do that with her and have a relationship with her like she wants- just a friend she’ll meet for lunch every few months. Though I don’t understand it, and probably never will, I am at peace now- which is the most important thing.
Is guilt keeping you from ending the relationship? Are you afraid that you leaving her would cause her too much pain? Just remember that she’s not alone- she has a husband and it sounds like she has many other friends too- so you aren’t abandoning her.
Jealously is natural, and I struggled with that a lot with my best friend. I couldn’t overcome it, and that’s when I knew I had to end the friendship.

From what I’ve read in this thread, and from my experience with my friend, I think you really do need to end this relationship. It sounds like it’s affecting you way too much. It will be very painful at first to end it, but in the end you’ll be at peace. I pray that you will find peace.

You really have hit the nail on the head. Your situation sounds exactly like what I am experiencing. Only this friend told me that it’s a legitimate mental issue that is making contact hard. She routinely ignores friends, family, and even work. I promised her when she came out with it that I wouldn’t give up on her, and I’d always be there for her. But now, I feel like I can’t be that person anymore. It’s too painful when she re-enters my life, and too painful when she leaves again. I’ve tried to have “the talk” but she breaks downa nd cries and tells me to give it more time because they just got her on new meds that will help,…but it never changes. I have no idea how not to care anymore, how how to move on.

I do have other friends, they live far away so I see them when I can. It’s not like I need her, rather, she was my best friend and it hurts to lose that relationship. It’s exactly like what you described, a scab that gets ripped open every few months when the cycle brings her back into my life.

 

[DJgang]

This is helpful. Thank you. I suppose drama was the wrong word. I was meaning to say that she is having these issues and they are hurting me deeply, and I don’t know if I have the stamina to keep up this friendship where I am being ignored in such a major way for 4-6 or even more, months at a time. And when I do get ahold of her to tell her that I can’t keep this up, she begs me to stay.

I suppose the best way to say it is I feel trapped, and I don’t know how to uninvest my emotions and draw back so I can get through this sane. She was a very big part of my life for a long time, and I found in her a friendship that was one of the stronger ones I’ve experienced. I don’t know how I can get out of this while believing that I am “loyal” and I don’t know what to do to help her so I don’t abandon her, and I…well. Just feel trapped.

she begs me to stay … she needs you. I really do think she’s suffering from anxiety…really, it sounds a little like myself. Once I did talk to my friend, I felt so good afterwards and regretted not talking to her more…but I just couldn’t pick up the phone. It’s so, so hard to describe.

But we are talking now and I’m all straightened out.

Keep in touch with her even if she doesn’t return your calls or text back. Let her know that you love her, which I know that you do or you wouldn’t be so concerned.

 

[GeorgiaPeach]

Could you ask her to reply to you through a simple text letting you know she is okay? Even just a happy face or whatnot. Let her know that you understand that sometimes she just doesn’t want to be around people but you worry about her well-being. Make yourself available when she is feeling up for talking.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

Could you ask her to reply to you through a simple text letting you know she is okay? Even just a happy face or whatnot. Let her know that you understand that sometimes she just doesn’t want to be around people but you worry about her well-being. Make yourself available when she is feeling up for talking.

We actually did try that. Through facebook. Maybe she considers a status update enough? I dunno. She posts cryptic things, and with her health issues I never know what’s going on. I sent her a message 2 days ago. She has since signed on to facebook and updated again, but hasn’t responded to my message.

 

[monicatholic]

i dont care how much she cries when you finally get inside her house, if i was her, i wouldn’t answer your messages either:

You know, where I am ready to drive over there and threaten her again.

holy cow.

let a professional help her. you should stay away.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

i dont care how much she cries when you finally get inside her house, if i was her, i wouldn’t answer your messages either:

holy cow.

let a professional help her. you should stay away.

Did you read the whole thread? didn’t think so.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

Okay, I am just going to ask the mods to delete this thread. I’m sick to death of people not reading the whole thing and passing judgement. NOW I remember why I vowed to stop posting personal stuff on here. Jeez.

 

[monicatholic]

i read every word of this thread.

your “friend” (quotations are ***yours, ***not mine) is not a friend-- she is your personal project. because she’s unstable, she sometimes allows herself to be used as such. and because you are bullying, you insist that she remain such.

 

[catharina]

Okay, I am just going to ask the mods to delete this thread. I’m sick to death of people not reading the whole thing and passing judgement. NOW I remember why I vowed to stop posting personal stuff on here. Jeez.

Before you ask the mods to do anything, I’ll post this.

If your former friend is truly unstable, then your contribution to her life makes that more so.

How can she go on with you, knowing that when the mood hits you, you’ll come banging on her door with insults, etc.? Your demands can only make her feel less likely to enjoy what was once your friendship. Since you’ve said that she is your only “local” friend, it seems that you have become quite possessive of her in the most unhealthy way. You haven’t even mentioned your husband - or hers - but this situation must be awful for them. Where is the NORMALCY in your life?

Break free of this self-imposed bond and go out and make some real friends.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

Before you ask the mods to do anything, I’ll post this.

If your former friend is truly unstable, then your contribution to her life makes that more so.

How can she go on with you, knowing that when the mood hits you, you’ll come banging on her door with insults, etc.? Your demands can only make her feel less likely to enjoy what was once your friendship. Since you’ve said that she is your only “local” friend, it seems that you have become quite possessive of her in the most unhealthy way. You haven’t even mentioned your husband - or hers - but this situation must be awful for them. Where is the NORMALCY in your life?

Break free of this self-imposed bond and go out and make some real friends.

1. Where did I say I insulted her? My “threats” which you people seem to be reading into so much, are me going over there and saying “look, I haven’t heard from you in 6 months. I can’t continue a friendship with someone who can’t return even a text message in 6 months” at which point she tellms me not to go.

Look, I don’t even care anymore. You people are really sick. People come on here and ask for help and you, and by assuaging your guilt under the guise of “help” you attack posters, read into their posts in your own way and fling judgements, insults, and the worst kind of trash. YOU people are the real bullies. Go out there and get a life. It really must be miserable to be you people. I have been trying to HELP my friend by doing what she has ASKED of me, and I merely was stating that I am at my wits end, and was wondering if I violated my necessity to be a loyal friend by having to exit the relationship, and how best to do that.

YOU people need REAL help. I have already asked the mods for help, and I may very well be reprimanded for this post. I don’t give a damn. You people are truly, truly, truly sick to get your jollies by crushing and bullying people on these forums who come here for help and a last resort. God help you.

 

[monicatholic]

Look, I don’t even care anymore. You people are really sick. People come on here and ask for help and you, and by assuaging your guilt under the guise of “help” you attack posters, read into their posts in your own way and fling judgements, insults, and the worst kind of trash. YOU people are the real bullies. Go out there and get a life. It really must be miserable to be you people. I have been trying to HELP my friend by doing what she has ASKED of me, and I merely was stating that I am at my wits end, and was wondering if I violated my necessity to be a loyal friend by having to exit the relationship, and how best to do that.

YOU people need REAL help. I have already asked the mods for help, and I may very well be reprimanded for this post. I don’t give a damn. You people are truly, truly, truly sick to get your jollies by crushing and bullying people on these forums who come here for help and a last resort. God help you.

how to best exit the relationship?

not with rages like this.

 

[rayne89]

Okay, I am just going to ask the mods to delete this thread. I’m sick to death of people not reading the whole thing and passing judgement. NOW I remember why I vowed to stop posting personal stuff on here. Jeez.

I also have read every word and I think you need to stop contacting her. If she contacts you fine, if she doesn’t fine. Move on, joined groups that have activities you enjoy to find other friends. You are not God, you can not fix her and its not your job to do so.

Yelling at someone because they have a disorder and trying to force them to behave in a friendship they way you want them to when they are mentally unable isn’t going to work.

You basically only responded positively to the posts that said stay in contact, keep talking to her because that is what you want. You can not make this woman be the friend you need her to be. You can not rewind time and make her into that best friend she was before. You need to make other friends to fill the void she has left in your life. And you need to direct your emotional energy else where.

This happens a lot on CAF. Posters post a topic, get mostly advice they don’t want to hear and then declare they are going to ask the mods to delete it. You said be blunt. You are too dependent on this relationship. Whatever her issues are it is not your job to fix her. And you can’t. She needs professional help. She may come around if you give her a chance to miss you -or she may not.

 

[catharina]

1. Where did I say I insulted her? My “threats” which you people seem to be reading into so much, are me going over there and saying “look, I haven’t heard from you in 6 months. I can’t continue a friendship with someone who can’t return even a text message in 6 months” at which point she tellms me not to go.

Did you say this?
"I wait several months while texting intermittently until I blow up,
go over to her house bang on the door and give her a piece on my mind."

The act itself is insulting.

Look, I don’t even care anymore. You people are really sick. People come on here and ask for help and you, and by assuaging your guilt under the guise of “help” you attack posters, read into their posts in your own way and fling judgements, insults, and the worst kind of trash. YOU people are the real bullies. Go out there and get a life. It really must be miserable to be you people. I have been trying to HELP my friend by doing what she has ASKED of me, and I merely was stating that I am at my wits end, and was wondering if I violated my necessity to be a loyal friend by having to exit the relationship, and how best to do that.

**You blow up, go to her house and bang on the door
to give her a piece of your mind? THAT is the act of a bully. **

YOU people need REAL help. I have already asked the mods for help, and I may very well be reprimanded for this post. I don’t give a damn. You people are truly, truly, truly sick to get your jollies by crushing and bullying people on these forums who come here for help and a last resort. God help you.

You ask for advice and reject it PLUS insult those who offered it.
I can see why your friend might be ambivalent about you.

 

[rayne89]

1. Where did I say I insulted her? My “threats” which you people seem to be reading into so much, are me going over there and saying “look, I haven’t heard from you in 6 months. I can’t continue a friendship with someone who can’t return even a text message in 6 months” at which point she tellms me not to go.

Look, I don’t even care anymore. You people are really sick. People come on here and ask for help and you, and by assuaging your guilt under the guise of “help” you attack posters, read into their posts in your own way and fling judgements, insults, and the worst kind of trash. YOU people are the real bullies. Go out there and get a life. It really must be miserable to be you people. I have been trying to HELP my friend by doing what she has ASKED of me, and I merely was stating that I am at my wits end, and was wondering if I violated my necessity to be a loyal friend by having to exit the relationship, and how best to do that.

YOU people need REAL help. I have already asked the mods for help, and I may very well be reprimanded for this post. I don’t give a damn. You people are truly, truly, truly sick to get your jollies by crushing and bullying people on these forums who come here for help and a last resort. God help you.

It seems you also need professional help. This type of raving shows you have emotional issues of your own to deal with. I don’t think its good for you to ask for advice on the forum if you can’t accept people who don’t agree with you.

Your anger at being directed to cut off this friendship instead of finding a new way to sustain it shows you have a very unhealthy attachment to this woman. Please see someone. You are in my prayers.

 

[catharina]

It seems you also need professional help. This type of raving shows you have emotional issues of your own to deal with. I don’t think its good for you to ask for advice on the forum if you can’t accept people who don’t agree with you.

Your anger at being directed to cut off this friendship instead of finding a new way to sustain it shows you have a very unhealthy attachment to this woman. Please see someone. You are in my prayers.

Very well said. Thank you, Rayne

 

[Ultima10]

I think I can help here. I am Whitacre_Girl’s husband.

It seems you also need professional help. This type of raving shows you have emotional issues of your own to deal with. I don’t think its good for you to ask for advice on the forum if you can’t accept people who don’t agree with you.

Your anger at being directed to cut off this friendship instead of finding a new way to sustain it shows you have a very unhealthy attachment to this woman. Please see someone. You are in my prayers.

Her anger was not directed at people telling her to cut off the relationship. In fact, I believe earlier in this thread she was asking “how” she could do that, and if it was the right choice.

Her anger WAS directed at this post:

i dont care how much she cries when you finally get inside her house, if i was her, i wouldn’t answer your messages either:

holy cow.

let a professional help her. you should stay away.

And this one:

i read every word of this thread.

your “friend” (quotations are ***yours, ***not mine) is not a friend-- she is your personal project. because she’s unstable, she sometimes allows herself to be used as such. and because you are bullying, you insist that she remain such.

Both of these posts were VERY accusing from an outside part that doesnt have all the information. Both of these posts would also put me on the defensive. I am offended for my wife, hence why I am here posting to defend her. She originally made this post because he is hurting. Because she is weak and needs help. This thread went on for almost two pages with no issues until people starting going on the offensive and accusing her of being a bad person. Before that, there were lots of people saying that she should break it off and she didnt reply upset to them.

But honestly, how would any of us respond to this? If we were in a weakend state, going to these forums to ask for help and somebody says “i wouldn’t answer your messages either” or “she is your personal project” or “because you are bullying”. That would certainly put me on the defensive. Those arent helping words.

Lets stop attacking each other. If you would like to defend those attacks, direct them at me in private messages and we can discuss this further. I dont think posting unfounded harsh critisizms to an already hurting person is very constructive. Was it right for her to get as upset as she did with some of you? Probably not. But keep in mind, she is the one that is hurting. She is the one that needs our help right now. A culture is measured on how it treats it weak. How should we be treating her? Probably not by attacking her. Any of the points monicatholic was trying to make could have been posted in a nonoffensive way, but unfortunately they werent.

Now, lets get back to the subject at hand.