Need advice about my priest

[Catholicgirl2020]

First off, I hope no one judges me for I NEVER intended this to happen. I am a catholic and became became very close to my priest. He counciled me threw life changing events and then when I found out I had a germ cell tumor in mybleft lung and was refusing treatment, he talked me into treatment which saved my life. I must say we are the exact same age, grew up in the same city, he went to the all the boys catholic school, I, the all girls catholic girls. He NEVER ONCE acted inappropriate, EVER. And I never showed my feelings. We were really close though. I told him everything about me, all my secrets and traumas and we would email each other. I met a "priest " online and confessed my love for my parish priest and he told me I must tell him right away which I did threw an email. I have not heard from him since. He won’t email me back and now I’m to scared to go to church. I’m do heartbroken. I never even wanted to tell him but that online priest forced me to do so. It’s not just that I loved him, he was my friend, my confidant, my secret keeper, my priest. I miss our emails, our conversations, our prayers and i don’t understand why he’s totally ignoring me.

 

[CaptainPrudeman]

i don’t understand why he’s totally ignoring me.

For a priest to continue a friendship with someone that wants it to be more than that would be incredibly imprudent. He is called to celibacy. The priest told you to say something because he knew that both of you needed to not be in this situation any longer. Seek spiritual guidance from a priest that isn’t the one you spoke about, and may God guide you.

 

[sudy]

Real love seeks out the best for the other person. It’s not a selfish thing. Feelings can develop when we spend a lot of time with someone but perhaps you can reevaluate how you feel for him? Maybe you do love him but not in a sexual way and just recognise the beauty of God shining through?

Edit: I’d just like to clarify something. I completely agree with the comments above that he belongs to God and you should not pursue him. I’m simply suggesting you reevaluate your feelings for your own peace of mind.

 

[OddBird]

I have no means of knowing if this is what is happening here, but as in psychotherapy, transference is a thing in spiritual care. Feelings are not uncommon when someone helps you through difficult times, guides you, and helps you know yourself better and grow closer to God. One should be very careful with these feelings, because they often are nothing more than a part of an inner healing process, directed toward the “wrong” person.

Now, as he is not your therapist but your priest, he has to be extremely careful with that. He is probably aware that this can happen, but that doesn’t make it easier for someone who committed to celibacy. He is acting carefully and putting his vocation first. This is wise. Not pursuing him and letting it go is the most loving thing you can do for him.

 

[PennyinCanada]

During a difficult time you had a source of comfort and strength. It’s time now to stand on your 2 feet and move forward. I know it’s a painful loss. He was that strong arm that kept your head above water until help came.

Trust that God has a plan for your life, to impact this world for good. Offer your loss and grief, united with Christ, that souls would be saved. God give you courage today and tomorrow.

 

[Emeraldlady]

i don’t understand why he’s totally ignoring me.

You have to understand what a very vulnerable position this situation puts a Priest in. They do have some training regarding counselling issues. He would know that your feelings for him aren’t just going to go away. Even secular counsellors will recommend another counsellor for a client who is dealing with these sorts of feelings for them.

If possible, find another parish and a counsellor. Perhaps a female counsellor. God Bless.

 

[PetraG]

I miss our emails, our conversations, our prayers and i don’t understand why he’s totally ignoring me.

I’m not sure what he’s supposed to do with that information, particularly since I don’t know how you worded what you said. You didn’t tell him. You e-mailed him. You don’t know that he isn’t re-visiting every part of your relationship and asking himself if he failed in how he handled you and your vulnerable state in any way at all. You don’t know that he did not have feelings for you that he could not appropriately share with you. You may not ever know how he took this and he probably cannot ever tell you, at least not most of it. The chance that you’d inappropriately blame yourself are too high.

This is what I mean: You know if he were your psychiatrist or therapist or any other kind of physician, he would have to immediately refer you to another provider. If he were a teacher at the only school you had to go to, he’d have to arrange to have you in classes other than his, if at all possible. If it could not be helped that you had to be in his class, you’d have to keep your contacts as brief, as professional and as public as possible. That’s where you are now. It doesn’t have to do with anybody having done something wrong. It has to do with helping you to get to an appropropriate place and preventing anything inappropriate from happening.

Well, that’s what you have to do now. If his parish is the only place for you to go to Mass, you don’t have much choice. Keep your contacts brief, strictly professional and public. Otherwise, join a different parish.

Just because there is no one to blame this on does not mean you don’t need help to get through this, as well. If you can afford it I would suggest you find a therapist or some kind of counselor to help you through this. If you have no resources, you could probably could call your diocesan office, explain that you have a serious crush on a priest who never did anything inappropriate to you and ask if they have anyone they could refer you to. They might be able to think of someone.

You might also want to write him a “thank you” note, explaining that you appreciate the help he gave you, help you still see as literally life-saving, and letting him know that you have made a positive choice to get the help you need to move on to a more appropriate support system. In other words, he need not worry about you, save that you hope he’ll keep you in his prayers, as he will be in yours.

 

[po18guy]

I will preface this by welcoming you to CAF ! At the same time, it is good to remember that many who are hospitalized, i.e. physical need, will develop a strong psychological attraction to doctor or nurse. It often becomes a disordered attraction, as the original need may no longer exist.

By becoming attached to; even dependent upon a particular priest, we can actually become a near occasion of sin for them. We have heard your feelings and emotions, but we do not know his. We do not know what he has confessed; what he is struggling with. He may have an immense sense of guilt for allowing himself to walk that bright line with you and perhaps emotionally crossing it. This relationship has very likely become a negative for him. Who could want to continue that?

I would say that both of you need a fresh start, having received all benefit that is morally permissible from your relationship. Whatever went beyond should be/has been repented of. The common factors you shared may have helped to establish a bond, but ultimately hurt in maintaining or deepening that bond.

Some of us are clingy types. Once we know that, we can hope (and pray) to moderate our affections and direct them accordingly. Most of us have significant others in our lives whom we love dearly. Yet relationships must be well-ordered. If they lack discipline, they can be at the same time fragile and spiritually dangerous.

You do need to break away; to make a fresh start, having received the healing that you have. If thoughts of that priest are recurrent or intrusive, then it is appropriate even to consider therapy.

Honestly, in the big picture you have been healed by Christ - the Divine Physician. At this point, He is the One you must turn to. He is the One Who can lead you along the right path. He is the source and summit of your faith.

It will be only one facet of your healing, but I would think that spending time with Christ can only be beneficial. Since we all love to spend time with the one we love, a regular pattern of holy hours before Christ can do nothing but good for you.

Talk to another priest and inquire if counseling may help you. God is God of peace, not of sorrow or loneliness. He greatly desires that you live in peace, both now and in eternity.

For my part, prayers are ascending.

 

[Catholicgirl2020]

I haven’t been to church mass in almost 3 months and have decided today to become a non practicing catholic. This whole thing has sent me into a spiritual crisis. It was a “hero” effect or anything like that. It was the way I could talk to him. His cheesy smile, thevway he got do shy so sometimes, the way he hard time looking people in the eye. Just certain things. I’m very intelligent woman. I fell in love with him with for him and that is my problem. I don’t ever want to to be a catholic again

 

[PetraG]

I wouldn’t argue with her if she did that.

Actually, I’d suggest she find a therapist before she does anything else. You’re right.

 

[PetraG]

I haven’t been to church mass in almost 3 months and have decided today to become a non practicing catholic. This whole thing has sent me into a spiritual crisis. It was a “hero” effect or anything like that. It was the way I could talk to him. His cheesy smile, thevway he got do shy so sometimes, the way he hard time looking people in the eye. Just certain things. I’m very intelligent woman. I fell in love with him with for him and that is my problem. I don’t ever want to to be a catholic again

That is totally understandable.
Go, anyway. You’re Catholic. Besides, if this friend of yours ever found out that you left the Church because of what grew up between the two of you, he’d be extremely saddened. He would feel responsible for you losing your faith, too.
The idea is to learn to have that kind of relationship with the Lord. He’s the one we learn to trust. He never fails and yes, he really does know you better than anyone else can. He has more power to help you than anyone else. He loves you more than anyone else. He gave you his Church to bring you to himself for eternity. Do not leave it!!

 

[PennyinCanada]

As someone who came into the church in my 20s, I can tell you, life is better with God than without God.

It’s better to go to church and pour your heart out than to stay home and be mad at God. Tell Him your mad at Him, and go tell Him in person.

 

[LovelyLadybug]

I haven’t been to church mass in almost 3 months and have decided today to become a non practicing catholic. This whole thing has sent me into a spiritual crisis. It was a “hero” effect or anything like that. It was the way I could talk to him. His cheesy smile, thevway he got do shy so sometimes, the way he hard time looking people in the eye. Just certain things. I’m very intelligent woman. I fell in love with him with for him and that is my problem. I don’t ever want to to be a catholic again

You shouldn’t leave the church because of one bad situation. Missing Mass is a mortal sin and leaving the Church is the worst decision you can possibly make, although it doesn’t mean you’re going to hell. It’s understandable that you’re embarrassed to go to Mass, but you need to talk the situation out in person. It’s the only way to resolve it. How else can you resolve the situation? You said this priest was a very close friend of yours. I know you love him, but you must try to fight that. You NEED to talk to him in person in order to solve the situation. I hope this helps!!! I’ll be praying for you!!! God bless!!! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

 

[ThomasMT]

I know you love him, but you must try to fight that. You NEED to talk to him in person in order to solve the situation.

There is no fighting it… it is what it is. The heart is deceitful and kidding oneself that much good can come from additional encounters (at least unmediated) is a bit naive, with all due respect.
No, she does not “NEED” to talk to him. This priest deserves some consideration as well, as does his vocation. I doubt that the next closest Parish is too far, and if the OP is genuinely seeking spiritual guidance, she will find it.

 

[MNathaniel]

Besides, if this friend of yours ever found out that you left the Church because of what grew up between the two of you, he’d be extremely saddened. He would feel responsible for you losing your faith, too.

Uh, if he’s a mentally healthy adult, I doubt he’d feel ‘responsible’. The OP is responsible for her own choices. She doesn’t get to make him feel ‘guilty’ about her faithlessness if she abandons Jesus because one of Jesus’ followers failed to know how to respond to her emotional needs in the way she wanted.

I don’t know if you’re just trying to treat the OP with kid gloves here, but honestly, I don’t think we should humour the idea that the priest she expressed inappropriate feelings for might feel ‘responsible’ for her own adult choice to abandon Jesus in a fit of emotion over not getting a desired response to an email. Yes, the situation was awkward; maybe some form of response from him would have been good (even just a polite form letter to express regret for the unfortunate circumstance and make the suggestion that she attend a different parish, for their mutual continued well-being).

But no one has the right to use emotional blackmail against someone else (‘quitting’ the Church then telling a bunch of people it’s the fault of other people because an online priest “forced” her to confess romantic love, then the beloved priest failed to respond to that email (the details of which we do not know)), and I feel kind of gross watching people humour the OP on this.

 

[LovelyLadybug]

There is no fighting it… it is what it is. The heart is deceitful and kidding oneself that much good can come from additional encounters (at least unmediated) is a bit naive, with all due respect.
No, she does not “NEED” to talk to him. This priest deserves some consideration as well, as does his vocation. I doubt that the next closest Parish is too far, and if the OP is genuinely seeking spiritual guidance, she will find it.

She CAN fight it, if God helps her. And she should talk to him in order to solve the situation. Otherwise, it’ll just be awkward for the rest of their lives.

 

[MNathaniel]

Friend, please pray to God for strength and for the graces to get through this difficult situation.

You need to accept that this priest is no longer your friend, your confidant, your secret keeper (that is, I’m sure he’ll keep your past confidences, but you can no longer approach him with new confidences, unless in the Confessional, and for that it’s probably wisest to see a different priest for the rest of your life, unless you’re in danger of death and this is the only priest available on that day). You will no longer have the same kinds of emails or conversations with him.

Pray to God for a different friend. You need someone new to be friends with.

Your priest is a person, too. He has his own needs. And he has his own boundaries. And he has made a vow of lifelong celibacy: he can never marry, and he is in fact your spiritual father and you are his spiritual daughter, and he knows that (regardless of you being the same age). Your email made it clear to him that he needed to re-establish new boundaries, and your relationship cannot be what it was. He needs things to be different. He has seemingly already taken an action in that direction by ending communication with you (we cannot know precisely why because we do not know specifically what you said in your emailed confession of romantic love).

You need to accept this, respect this priest’s needs, and move on with your life.

And God loves you, and wants you to keep receiving His gifts in the Catholic Church. God wants you to receive the sacraments; His gifts of Reconciliation and the Eucharist. If there is a different Catholic church in your city, attend that church. If your priest is the only priest in your city, then call the parish office and request either an appointment to talk to him in person (or for him to reply to your email) so that the two of you can work out how you can continue to practice the faith without embarrassment or fear of being in the same building as him, and while not returning to the same old friendship. You need to move past this, for your own sake (and for the sake of the man that you say you loved) – and God will help you to do so. You just have to be willing to let God help you do so. The way forward from here is to accept that this friendship has changed and will not return to the way it was, and you shouldn’t allow the Devil to lure you away from the Catholic faith at the same time. The Church is where God wants to give you love. It will just look different than you may have wanted it to, in the past.

 

[Catholicgirl2020]

I don’t need counseling. For what? Falling in love we with someone? Did you even BBC read what I wrote in it’s entirety? I did not even w as not to tell him. I never even acted on it or showed any feelings towards him till I confessed to another "priest " online. Who told me I should tell him right away. I didn’t even want to bvb tell him. I do not need counseling for loving someone

 

[MNathaniel]

From what I’m hearing, one reason you would benefit from counselling is that your problem here, as you’ve described it, isn’t just “loving someone.”

What you’ve described is literally abandoning your religion because a man for whom you had affection, failed to respond well when you revealed this affection.

You’ve described feelings of heartbreak, loss, and feeling literally “scared to go to church”. These are difficult feelings which a counsellor (or for no charge, a different priest) could help you to work through, so that you can get to a place where you are at peace, feel that your social needs are met (by people other than this priest), and are able to healthily re-engage in practicing your religion again.

Again, ‘love’ isn’t the problem (‘love’ just means ‘willing the good of the other’, so if love were all we were talking about here, that’d be open and shut. What’s good for your priest is to maintain healthy boundaries while living out his vow of celibacy, so if you were solely and fully motivated by love for him, and understood that, you could be happy that he’s established boundaries that are healthy for him, rather than feeling betrayed). But you have expressed feelings that are human and understandable, that go beyond ‘love’, that from your own description are resulting in you both feeling distressed, and in radically changing what is the most important part of every life: our relationship with God. You say that you haven’t been to Mass in almost 3 months, and “have decided… to become a non practicing catholic.” This is a very serious and radical action, and for your own sake I pray you will seek help from a counsellor or (different!) priest in talking through how you can move forward from where you are, in a way that reconnects you with the saving graces which God wants to give you as gifts, without you needing someone else to sacrifice his well-being for you to be willing to receive what’s healthy for you.

 

[esieffe]

I haven’t been to church mass in almost 3 months and have decided today to become a non practicing catholic. This whole thing has sent me into a spiritual crisis. It was a “hero” effect or anything like that. It was the way I could talk to him. His cheesy smile, thevway he got do shy so sometimes, the way he hard time looking people in the eye. Just certain things. I’m very intelligent woman. I fell in love with him with for him and that is my problem. I don’t ever want to to be a catholic again

I feel bad that you and this young priest have found yourself in these circumstances. I think it is probably natural that you should want to lash out at something, like the Church. The church here though is not at fault.

This is a real story about a good Catholic Women and a man that is also a priest, married to the Church. You are both human beings. He too may be in crisis at the moment. He may be agonizing over how he may have intentionally or unintentionally drifted across the line. He may be wondering if he betrayed you and or the Bride of Christ.

I tell you as gently as I possibly can, this story is not just about you. You both need time for reflection and yes prayer. Leaving the church over a human interaction or a damaged friendship is not the answer, and can only lead to deeper sadness for you I fear. This might be a great time for you to go on a Catholic retreat for renewal. People often do this after a personal crisis to begin the healing process. You have to allow him and yourself the dignity of space. I imagine he is going through just as much as you are, but keep in mind men and women process these things differently.

There have been some decent posts on this thread tonight, even the ones offering conflicting advice and points of view. I think it would be a terrible thing for you though to separate yourself from God’s church and the graces he and our Lady have to offer you. Hearts do mend in time, and no one leaves earth without scars, but even those cannot heal without the medicine of God.

Pax Christie