Need Advice- Asking about a man's divorce

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hopeful01

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Hi everyone,

I would appreciate your advice regarding this…

I met someone on my trip to the US last year and sunce then we have been in cinstant contact by messaging, email, and skype. I have to admit that I am falling for this guy. We have common friends and these friends have nothing but nice things to say about him. He is active in the CRHP in his parish, does the First Friday nocturnal adoration regularly, and we have our special prayer time when we pray together over skype.

I googled him a bit and we also became friends on facebook. And from my research (or should I say “investigation”?), I learned that he was married in 2008 and divorced 2 years later. I don’t know of they got married in church and if they did, whether they had their marriage annulled.

My question is this… How do I open this rather sensitive subject? I have to admit that I am slowly falling for this guy. Talking to him (whether by text messaging or by skype) has become the highlight of my day. But I am a practicing Catholic (and so is he by what I know). So the matter regarding his divorce is important to me.

Thanks…
 
hopeful01 said:
Hi everyone,

I would appreciate your advice regarding this…

I met someone on my trip to the US last year and sunce then we have been in cinstant contact by messaging, email, and skype. I have to admit that I am falling for this guy. We have common friends and these friends have nothing but nice things to say about him. He is active in the CRHP in his parish, does the First Friday nocturnal adoration regularly, and we have our special prayer time when we pray together over skype.

I googled him a bit and we also became friends on facebook. And from my research (or should I say “investigation”?), I learned that he was married in 2008 and divorced 2 years later. I don’t know of they got married in church and if they did, whether they had their marriage annulled.

My question is this… How do I open this rather sensitive subject? I have to admit that I am slowly falling for this guy. Talking to him (whether by text messaging or by skype) has become the highlight of my day. But I am a practicing Catholic (and so is he by what I know). So the matter regarding his divorce is important to me.

Thanks…
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Ask him. As in, “Bob, have you been married before?”

If you Google my real-life name two of top entries are the website as well as the FB page for an adult entertainer. I’m not said adult entertainer. I’d appreciate anyone “investigating” me to ask if she is me before assuming I’m an adult entertainer and making judgements about my character and morals based on their intel.

Luna
 
Luna_Lovecraft said:
Ask him. As in, “Bob, have you been married before?”

If you Google my real-life name two of top entries are the website as well as the FB page for an adult entertainer. I’m not said adult entertainer. I’d appreciate anyone “investigating” me to ask if she is me before assuming I’m an adult entertainer and making judgements about my character and morals based on their intel.

Luna
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You post made me:rotfl: Do not get angry!!! Boy, you were lucky. It could be much, much worse!!!
Never thought on that.I am going to investigate mine and i will pray before i google it !!!
Your advice was correct. One must ask everything nowadays, have children though never married, have got HIV, and all the rest.
 
As Luna said above, just ask him. If you are falling for this fellow, this is an important part of your journey. You need to not only know whether he was married, but how he reacts to the question will tell you a lot about his character. It will also tell you whether you need to put the breaks on a further step in the relationship (engagement etc). If there is an annulment involved, that can take some serious time, etc.

Be upfront and honest with him, and simply ask.
 
Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut, everyone! Itruly appreciate it! I have another question though…

We are in different countries right now. Would it be appropriate to ask this on text message or should i wait for when we are on skype?
 
Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut, everyone! Itruly appreciate it! I have another question though…

We are in different countries right now. Would it be appropriate to ask this on text message or should i wait for when we are on skype?
 
That is a personal question that should be asked face to face, or in your case, skype. 🙂
 
Well… I still have to gather up the courage to open up the topic. I don’t know why it make me nervous to talk about it/ask him about it. We do speak via Skype 2x a day.

Should I just blurt out the question or gradually ease into it? Any suggestions? Thanks.
 
So you say you talk and text every day, and that you may be “falling for” him. So, has he given you any indication he considers this romantic? Are the two of you makin forward-looking plans to see each other? Have you discussed how you view this relationship developing and where you see it going?

I wouldn’t just blurt out a question randomly about having been previously married. I would probably tell him that I enjoy talking with him every day, and am wondering where he sees this leading-- especially with the distance and obstacles that presents. Get clarification on whether this is something serious or a flitation.

If he has the same intentions, then you can suggest that you start a discernment process with prayer and serious discussion of those things important to advancing the relationship. It is within that context that I would bring up freedom to marry in the Church.

If you are too nervous to bring this up, ask why. Is it because you enjoy the attention, he has not sufficiently given you reason to believe this is more than a flirtation, and if you bring it up then the fantasy will be over? If so, all the more reason to bring it up.
 
@1ke: He has sent sent me flowers & chocolates (and considering our distance from each other, I kind of feel it’s a big deal)… He has likewise sent me packages in the mail of my favorite stuff. All these were done even without any occasion (like say a birthday…).

We do have plans to see each other this June. Barring any problems (I have a legal dilemma that I have been asking people to pray for on the Prayer Intentions thread), we shall be spending a week together.

He has said that our conversations are the highlight of his day (same with me) and we have discussed future plans (although not necessarily plans together-- more general plans for the future). He has likewise asked me about what it would take for me to pursue my profession fi I were to move to his country.

We pray together every 10 o’clock (AM and PM) whether it’s on skype or just taking time out from each other’s day (we’re 12 hours apart as far as time is concerned) and iMessage each other our prayers.

I think I am nervous about bringing up the topic because I am afraid that he might have been married in church and has not yet gone through the annulment process…
 
hopeful,
best wishes in your budding romance. It’s very sweet that you pray together over skype 👍

don’t ask him specificly about past marriages. Instead ask him about serious past relationships, which will naturally include marriage. You should start the disclosure by sharing details of your more serious relationships.
 
@tarboy: thank you for the advise. I read through everyone else’s advise again as well… I may try and open up the subject this weekend.
 
hopeful01 said:
We do have plans to see each other this June. Barring any problems (I have a legal dilemma that I have been asking people to pray for on the Prayer Intentions thread), we shall be spending a week together.

I think I am nervous about bringing up the topic because I am afraid that he might have been married in church and has not yet gone through the annulment process…
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I think that you should get the answer to your question before you see him in June. It will make for a better, truer visit either way he answers. You will know how things can or cannot progress from there once the truth is out in the open. May God bless you and guide you.
 
@Irishmom: I will keep your advise in mind. That did not occur to me at all.

I am truly glad I found this site. Being able to get the points of view of others helps a lot!

God bless you all and keep the advise coming! 👍
 
Just an update…

I attempted to pen the topic today on our Skype conversation. I asked about previous relationships… when he first started dating… his longest relationship… why it broke up… but he didn’t mention being married before…

I wonder if there was something wrong with how I asked and opened up about my own relationships or if he’s ashamed to talk about it or whatever…🤷

Any opinions are welcome…
 
hopeful01 said:
Just an update…

I attempted to pen the topic today on our Skype conversation. I asked about previous relationships… when he first started dating… his longest relationship… why it broke up… but he didn’t mention being married before…

I wonder if there was something wrong with how I asked and opened up about my own relationships or if he’s ashamed to talk about it or whatever…🤷

Any opinions are welcome…
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Hmmm…well so you are still in the same boat. Perhaps you were too subtle, but he may just be keeping it to himself. Would any of your mutual friends know anything?
 
hopeful01 said:
Just an update…

I attempted to pen the topic today on our Skype conversation. I asked about previous relationships… when he first started dating… his longest relationship… why it broke up… but he didn’t mention being married before…

I wonder if there was something wrong with how I asked and opened up about my own relationships or if he’s ashamed to talk about it or whatever…🤷

Any opinions are welcome…
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Luna_Lovecraft said:
Ask him. As in, “Bob, have you been married before?”
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So, did you ask him if he’s been married before? It’s a yes/no question. Sometimes people appreciate straightforwardness over roundabout questions about intentions, discernment, the future, etc.

Luna
 
@Irishmom: Our mutual friends met him a few months before I did and based on the newspaper announcements I saw online, his divorce became final 2 years ago. So I’m not sure if our common friends know the details.

@Luna: I think I may have to go the direct question route. We talked over Skype a few hours ago but I was at work (and a bit distracted). But later on, I will be home it will be his day off so I think I may be able to manage a straight forward conversation with him…
 
There is a chance the online information was wrong especially if he has a common name. I think you should just come out and ask if he has ever been married before. Tell him it is important to your faith.
 
hopeful
I personally don’t think most guys would lie about being divorced. While a painful event, it is too common in society today and doesn’t need to be hidden. Guys are much more likely to lie about whether they are currently married 🤷

If it came up in a google search, then you could tell him he was googled and ‘his doppelganger’ is divorced, sending him the link. Make it more of a joke. Be cautious though, you don’t want him to believe you don’t trust him. It is completely normal to google people you are dating though, nothing to hide there.
hopeful01 said:
Just an update…

I attempted to pen the topic today on our Skype conversation. I asked about previous relationships… when he first started dating… his longest relationship… why it broke up… but he didn’t mention being married before…

I wonder if there was something wrong with how I asked and opened up about my own relationships or if he’s ashamed to talk about it or whatever…🤷

Any opinions are welcome…
Click to expand...
 
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