Need advice explaining homosexual relationship to a child diplomatically

[Irishgirl23]

This is so tragic.
What he is doing is child abuse.
I’d like to say that you should go to Court and demand sole guardianship of your daughter, but the topsy turvy way the courst have become in most western countries, it would have no effect and might even backfire with you being punished for your supposed “homophobia” and your daughter taken from you.

Unfortunately therer seems no other good solution but to disobey the court orders and not let your daughter be in the company of your husband except when you are present and any “friend” is absent.

This type of situation unfortunatrely looks like it will become more common in the near future. Christians will have to choose between practising their religion and protecting their families, or obeying the civil law.

No, what he is doing is not child abuse. What hundreds of Catholic priests have done is child abuse.

The original poster has already commented on what a good father her ex-husband is and that his new boyfriend seems like a nice man, so I really think she is in the best position to judge their characters. To call what he is doing ‘child abuse’, makes you sound ridiculous and is horrendously offensive, when some people may be suffering ACTUAL child abuse out there.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

No, what he is doing is not child abuse. What hundreds of Catholic priests have done is child abuse.

The original poster has already commented on what a good father her ex-husband is and that his new boyfriend seems like a nice man, so I really think she is in the best position to judge their characters. To call what he is doing ‘child abuse’, makes you sound ridiculous and is horrendously offensive, when some people may be suffering ACTUAL child abuse out there.

I cannot let your statement stand. Pedophiles are everywhere in society, and they are in every denomination but we never hear about that. We almost never hear of the pedophiles in schools, the ones who are coaches (well we are hearing about Larry Sandusky now).

I am not even sure the number is “hundreds.” Compared to how many priests there are, the number of offenders was very small, and those cases are long over. Not to say that the abuse wasn’t serious, I am not minimizing it.

But I cannot let you, in your 2nd post, blithely toss something off like that and go your merry way.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

She brought the subject up again this morning. She told me she doesn’t want to see her dad this weekend because it’s “too weird.” I didn’t get a chance to talk to him last night (he’s hard to reach when he doesn’t have our daughter). But I will try again. I am not going to tell him how to live, but I will tell him what he’s doing is upsetting our daughter to the point where she’s telling me she doesn’t even want to see him. I am sure he doesn’t want that, so maybe that will convince him to tone things down and not go “so fast” in front of her.

I hope her father will respond to this in a positive way. But in the end, it is up to him to decide if his daughter is more important than being cosy with his lover in front of her. It may come to the point where she will refuse to stay with him overnight. If I were you, I’d welcome such a development given the circumstances.

Whatever happens, you are handling this awful situation in the best way possible.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

No, what he is doing is not child abuse. What hundreds of Catholic priests have done is child abuse.

Really? Have you checked some facts recently? And do you realise that child abuse is most common within the family? Shame on you for trying to hijack this thread. The OP doesn’t need this kind of **** given what she has to deal with at the moment.

 

[epan]

Thanks again… I guess my dilemma is, while I can ask him to stop the PDA, he most likely won’t. Obviously he and I aren’t on the same wavelength morally, so I will never be able to argue the moral ground.

Remember, in the eyes of the state, we are divorced. So him kissing a man (or woman) is not legally wrong (think adultery laws)… Legally he can even remarry if he wanted to (gay marriage isn’t legal where I am, but I am using that as an example).

I can ask and hope he agrees, but I don’t think he will. So I have to deal with reality as it is and the best way I can–if that makes any sense. I didn’t want to have to explain this to her this early in life (I am not even ready to talk to her about the birds and the bees–other than “bad” touching).

He should be able to understand as a father, that your desire not to discuss sexuality with your 7 year old. Let her have a childhood. There will be a better time later, when she can process it better.

As for handling her questions now, I think you did well. You are telling her just as much as she wants, and can handle.

 

[cmscms]

No, what he is doing is not child abuse. What hundreds of Catholic priests have done is child abuse. .

How offensive ! Yes a lot of priest have abused children, but so did other men/woman who are not in a religious order. How can you begin to insinuate that since some priest have abouse children, parents can now do it?

Not to mention that one of my very best friends was a priest and he was one of the best men that ever lived, so please do not insult priest. Especially on a Catholic website !!!

The original poster has already commented on what a good father her ex-husband is and that his new boyfriend seems like a nice man, so I really think she is in the best position to judge their characters. To call what he is doing ‘child abuse’, makes you sound ridiculous and is horrendously offensive, when some people may be suffering ACTUAL child abuse out there.

Actually, your post is ridiculous and horrendously offensive ! PDA in front of kids is just wrong. And homosexuality is a grave disorder. It does not mean the homosexual is a bad person but it sure is distructive for a kid to see that !

 

[cmscms]

You need to work together with her dad and not confuse the daughter with so many differing ideologies. .

I totally agree with that

Remember, many people in this world (myself included) are fine with homosexuals and feel that a loving God would not want to deny them love. .

That may be your opinion, but for a mother who wants to raise her daughter in the Catholic faith, she needs to tell her daughter the His truth. A loving God is more than happy to provide homosexuals a happy life. That is the precise reason He says committing homosexual acts is wrong. God knows how damaging those things are

CM

 

[cmscms]

Dear OP,

I am so sorry you are going through this, but I must say, I think you are very strong to make your first priority allowing your daughter a relationship with her dad. Part of me wants to suggest teaching your daughter to say ‘That makes me uncomfortable’ in a polite tone, but the other part of me fears her dad will think you are just teaching her that and it was never an issue for her

But, I do recommend praying with your daughter. Teach your daughter to say ‘Dear Lord, it makes me uncomfortable when daddy does x,y,z. Please give me the strengh and wisdom how to act in those situations’

I would then let your daughter hear you pray ‘Dear Lord, You know how much I love my daughter and want what is best for her. You know that I want her to love her daddy and spend time with him. Lord, I need you to give me the answers that will help my daughter’

The right answers may never come. The situation may get worst. But at least your daughter will have witnessed what it is to turn to God in tough times and to persevere when it feels like God has His ear plugs in.

CM

 

[Sapphiregirl]

I just wanted to say Irishgirl23 that I agree with you that it is disgusting to call this child abuse.

 

[Irishgirl23]

Really? Have you checked some facts recently? And do you realise that child abuse is most common within the family? Shame on you for trying to hijack this thread.** The OP doesn’t need this kind of **** given what she has to deal with at the moment**.

Well, I don’t think there is any need to bring bad language into the debate, but as you brought the word into the discussion, the OP does not need the kind of **** that says her ex-husband, whom she obviously once loved very dearly, is a child abuser. I don’t think labelling him a child abuser helps the OP or in fact answers her original question.

And in response to other replies, of course child abuse exists in everyday life, everywhere. I also know some amazing, kind, utterly devout and selfless priests, I was not for one second labelling ALL priests.

I just mean to state, hopefully without causing an argument, that the ex-husband of the original poster is not, by any definition, a child abuser, and labelling him as such is dangerous.

 

[clark_kent_1]

I need to explain to her what homosexuality is, but not in a way to demonize or make her father seem bad. We have shared custody and he is a good father. Any suggestions on how to approach this? Are there any resources? Maybe I should schedule a meeting with my priest for some guidance? I thought to leave it to her dad to explain, but I think I would like to explain it as well.

I’ve seen a lot of posts on this site that verge on outright homophobia and I’d like to say BIG UP, I find it really encouraging that this is your approach to the situation and I have faith that if this is your approach to explaining it to your daughter you will do well. Good luck.

 

[cmscms]

I just mean to state, hopefully without causing an argument, that the ex-husband of the original poster is not, by any definition, a child abuser, and labelling him as such is dangerous.

Thank you for explaining this. I mean that genuinly. And yes, the term
‘child abuser’ does seem harsh. However… it is definetly damaging to the kid and personally, that was what I was concentrating on. I did not mean to concentrate on a label to put on the father

CM

 

[Petergee]

Thanks again everyone… I decided for my first step I would contact my husband (ex husband really… I say husband because the marriage isn’t annulled but legally he’s my ex).

I tried calling him a few times, with no luck. So I opted for e-mail which wasn’t my first choice–but I need to address this before the weekend when she sees him again. I think I will mainly let him know the PDAs are disturbing to our daughter and it’s making her not want to be with him. Hopefully that will address the immediate concern of her feeling uncomfortable.

I think if her dad was seeing another woman, she would still have concerns and not like things–but the homosexuality is an added layer since it’s something she has no knowledge of (she knows boys and girls fall in love–it’s in every Disney movie and is the norm in our culture). So it’s kind of a double whammy of her dad moving on and this new concept of same sex relations that she’s facing.

I’ll meet with my priest too and see what advice he can give me. Like I said, my main concerns are my daughter and not damaging the father/daughter relationship. He might not be the perfect Catholic dad–but he still is her father. My biggest fear is if he goes down the path of extreme subculture and cuts her out of his life. He’s already seeing her less and less (he only takes her about 2/3 of the time he’s entitled to under our decree). I’ve known people to do that (when they discover they are gay, they cut themselves off from everyone they once knew–in some cases, including their children).

It may be confronting to hear this now, but from what you have said, that may in the long term be the best way to resolve this situation for the good of your daughter. She has in a very real sense already lost her father. It may be better for her not to have to suffer the years of trauma of dealing with this during her childhood, but, if she wishes to do so, to re-establish a relationship with him when she is grown up (and when he, please God, has come to his senses).

 

[Petergee]

Well, I don’t think there is any need to bring bad language into the debate, but as you brought the word into the discussion, the OP does not need the kind of **** that says her ex-husband, whom she obviously once loved very dearly, is a child abuser. I don’t think labelling him a child abuser helps the OP or in fact answers her original question.

And in response to other replies, of course child abuse exists in everyday life, everywhere. I also know some amazing, kind, utterly devout and selfless priests, I was not for one second labelling ALL priests.

I just mean to state, hopefully without causing an argument, that the ex-husband of the original poster is not, by any definition, a child abuser, and labelling him as such is dangerous.

Dangerous in what way?
There are many forms of child abuse besides physically raping a child, which you seem to ewant to restrict its definition to. And this is definitely a partuicularly nasty form of it. The more so precisely vbecause the law and much of western society tacitly accepts or even actrively endorses it as good.

I did not label the OP’s husband " a child abuser" just as I did not label him “gay”. I condemn the sin, not the sinner, and any partuicular sin that he commits or is tempted to commit, does not comprise in itself his identity.

 

[Petergee]

I’ve seen a lot of posts on this site that verge on outright homophobia and I’d like to say BIG UP,.

Oh puhlease. Pointing out that a particluar action is wrong does not constiute a mental disorder of morbid hatred of people who are habitually tempted to such actions, and I’d like to say, shut up.

 

[epan]

This past weekend was gay pride week and my husband (or ex husband since we are divorced now) came out of the closet, finally and publicly. I knew as his wife, and figured it was why he left me, but he was never public about it.

Anyway, he introduced me to his boyfriend and he seems like a nice man. He’s very feminine and likes to do art projects with my daughter on weekends with her dad (they made me a nice picture frame together).

Until this weekend, my daughter (who is seven-years-old) never knew about her dad… and she really has no idea what homosexuality is either. She figured daddy’s boyfriend was just a friend… not a lover. She doesn’t even know sexuality in general. Anyway, when she was with her dad this weekend (with his boyfriend) they did some kissing and public displays of affection. I picked her up from school and she told me about it and how it made her uncomfortable. She is asking me questions now and I am not sure what to say. I thought I would know what to say, but it doesn’t make sense to her.

So here is my dilemma. I am Catholic and am raising her as Catholic. I need to explain to her what homosexuality is, but not in a way to demonize or make her father seem bad. We have shared custody and he is a good father. Any suggestions on how to approach this? Are there any resources? Maybe I should schedule a meeting with my priest for some guidance? I thought to leave it to her dad to explain, but I think I would like to explain it as well.

Thanks!

This is not something that a seven year old needs to understand. The father should knock off the PDA until she is older. In the meantime, it is a sticky wicket. You don’t want to prejudice her against gay people. After all, she may be one herself. On the other hand, your religious views are opposed to particular sexual acts which this PDA behavior implies. My opinion is that the message should be consistent with disapproving of the sin while loving the sinner. You know best what your seven year old can wrap her head around.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

It may be confronting to hear this now, but from what you have said, that may in the long term be the best way to resolve this situation for the good of your daughter. She has in a very real sense already lost her father. It may be better for her not to have to suffer the years of trauma of dealing with this during her childhood, but, if she wishes to do so, to re-establish a relationship with him when she is grown up (and when he, please God, has come to his senses).

I think you have a point. And while I wouldn’t go so far as to say she has completely lost her father, and while I would be hopeful that she can still have a good relationship with her father, your post reminds me that another point needs to be made: As important as the relationship between a child and her father is, the relationship between a child and her Heavenly Father is more important. Severing THAT relationship should be the non-negotiable. If building up a relationship with the earthly father requires her to lose her faith (and therefore lose her relationship with God the Father, and therefore lose her soul), it is not worth it. This is why it is important to be truthful and to make sure that when a child is presented in a significant way with sin, that the child learns to recognize it as sin. Even if it has a long term result of a less than perfect relationship with the sinner, her soul is worth it.

That said, all children who have been told the truth, know that their parents are sinners. They all see their parents commit sins of varying degrees. That doesn’t kill a relationship. It’s just reality. As much as parents would like to appear perfect in their children’s eyes, that is a fantasy. And it is not a requirement for deserving their respect, or for having a strong relationship with them. I would suggest that the opposite is true - an honest relationship that recognizes only God as perfect is the best kind. So as long as the OP stresses that Daddy deserves her love and respect, she can also be truthful that this choice that Daddy is making is a wrong choice, and is a result of wrong thinking. And then she also needs to make a point to strengthen the relationship between her child and her HEAVENLY FATHER who is perfect.

 

[Sapphiregirl]

Wow… y’all are seriously suggesting that this woman work to sever her daughter’s relationship with her father for no other reason than that he dates men… Wow…

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Wow… y’all are seriously suggesting that this woman work to sever her daughter’s relationship with her father for no other reason than that he dates men… Wow…

Fortunately the courts would never get on board with that. A parent is absolutely within his/her rights to have a same sex partner around their child and to pass on their values. Those are basic rights that our courts have long acknowledged.

Even more fortunate is that the OP doesn’t seem the type to try that.

And she does have to tread softly. If she gets in a values war with him she will lose. He won’t make the daughter go to church. He will tell her that mommies faith is wrong. (Fathers have more influence with a child’s religion than a mom does anyway.). He will tell the little girl that mommy is trying to turn her against him. More damage will be done to the child’s faith if she instigates a war than if she tries to find common ground and work together.

They need to go to a counselor or mediator and agree on a course of action now when the child is young rather than wait for a huge power struggle when she’s older. And if the parents fight, the child will be the one to lose.

 

[SwizzleStick]

Wow… y’all are seriously suggesting that this woman work to sever her daughter’s relationship with her father for no other reason than that he dates men… Wow…

Fortunately the courts would never get on board with that. A parent is absolutely within his/her rights to have a same sex partner around their child and to pass on their values. …

That poor child. It is truly discouraging that the above reflects what a truly corrupted, decaying, warped, fallen world we live in. God help us.