Need advice regarding NFP

[BuffaloNickels]

I guess the short story is that I want more kids, DH doesn’t but we both agreed to step up to the plate and use NFP to avoid pregnancy.

We took the class, agreed that he would do the charting, that way he would always know exactly what was going on, and would remove any blame from me if we had a surprise. I didn’t want to be in a spot where the burden was mine alone, and thus, “blame” for a pregnancy be mine alone.

Well, in order to learn NFP, the instructor strongly suggested we abstain for the first month, but since I’m coming off of hormonal BC, it might actually be longer.

I have a much higher drive than DH does, yet he’s taken this 30 days of absitnence to be extra frisky, if YKWIM? doing things that normally get my fire burning hot - things he doesn’t NORMALLY do because he’s not normally interested.

He’s also not asking me about my day and doing the charting… I have to hand it to him and tell him to do it, even then he just asks me what to write, and doesn’t bother to learn what it means.

We have no major reason to avoid pregancy, DH just wants to retire when he turns 60 and doesn’t want any children still at home when he does. I’m 1 years younger than him and only have 3 children, I’d still love 1 or 2 more.

How am I supposed to bring him back into this as a partnership, and make him understand how much it hurts to “tease” me when we’re supposed to be abstaining?

 

[Em_in_FL]

Wow, tough situation. On one hand he says he’s on board with NFP, on the other hand he’s taking actions that suggest otherwise.
I think you’re going to have to be blunt, but be open to listening to his opinion too. Marriage needs to have good communication, and it sounds like that may be lacking with you guys. If he makes advances - then ASK point blank, “Do you want another child now or not? Are you really on board with NFP? If so, then please help me. If not, then we need to talk.”

Good luck… I’m sorry this is a struggle for you.

 

[BuffaloNickels]

Oh, and that should have been I’m 11 years younger, not 1. He’s 43, I’m only 32.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Oh, and that should have been I’m 11 years younger, not 1. He’s 43, I’m only 32.

You’re in good company… I’m 30 and DH is 40.

 

[BuffaloNickels]

Thanks, BTW. I’m really tempted to keep two charts. One that I keep daily, and then let DH fill in the other one when he remembers/ wants to. So then HE can really see how much interest he’s taking in it.

I like the point about asking him “oh, are you ready for the next one?” when he starts kissing on my neck.

I’m just hate to think about how long we’re REALLY going to have to abstain before he decides he’s on board and wants to “play along” Because frankly, I could not handle being blamed for a baby. We honeslty don’t belive in divorce, marriage is for life. But I’d be sorely tempted to tell him to go live with his mother if he ever blamed me for getting pregnant.

 

[amgp]

I could not handle being blamed for a baby.

What a shame that it should be put into those terms. It sounds very similar to when our current President proclaimed that his daughters “shouldn’t be punished with a baby” if they made “a mistake”. Children are a blessing from God, and scripture is very clear on this. The greatest blessing God can give us is the gift of children. It’s also the very first command that he gave man and woman, “Be fruitful and multiply”. It’s so sad that today’s culture worships the gods of “wealth” and the illusion of “prosperity” above what God wants for us.

My family and I will pray for you and your husband. May the scales be lifted from his eyes, and his heart softened.

 

[Peacefulwishes]

I had to giggle at your OP and not because it is anything funny but because our situations are SO alike!

My DH does the same thing! When we are supposed to abstain, we have a REALLY hard time at it because we just are so attracted to each other during that time (nature’s plan!). For example, I should be ovulating today if I have not already done so yesterday, according to my chart and OPK’s. I use the STM but this past month I am also using OPK’s to supplement - sort of covering all of my bases because I went off of ABC last month. Well wouldn’t you know yesterday DH gets super frisky with me! He KNOWS I was about to ovulate any day, I am very open with him about my chart. So I told him “I’m not safe!” It almost didn’t stop him!! LOL!! He knows I want another baby too - but not right now! (And if things were up to him, we would have no more children.) I want to wait at least another 18 months to 2 years if possible because things are so tough right now with the two we have (17 months and 3 years). So anyway, long and short of it is - I can empathize!!

I would suggest having a heart to heart with him. Ask him to not tempt you during this time that you have to abstain because being sexually flustered is not fun for either of you!! Maybe every time he starts to get frisky, you can start talking about something that would be a mood kill? Like his mom? haha, just kidding. Maybe.

btw - my DH is 12 years older than I am, he’s 42 and I am 30. I keep telling him, I can hear his biological clock ticking! lol!!

 

[BuffaloNickels]

The greatest blessing God can give us is the gift of children. It’s also the very first command that he gave man and woman, “Be fruitful and multiply”. It’s so sad that today’s culture worships the gods of “wealth” and the illusion of “prosperity” above what God wants for us.
.

Amen!

and thank you.

 

[maryjk]

I was just watching a rerun of the show House. I know, I know, it isn’t the best show to watch. It has lots of bad language and sexual situations. Not to mention the show on House pretty much being pro choice.

BUT, all of that aside.

There was a scene with House and his boss, Dr Cuddy. House was making comments about wanting to have sex with Dr Cuddy. She responds, “That’s great, I’m ovulating.” His comment was something about being out of the mood.

When my husband and I are abstaining because we are trying to avoid pregnancy, he seems to know when I am ovulating. He is always very turned on, for want of a better word. All I have to do is tell him that I am ovulating. Or, “I could be fertile.” It seems to stop him in his tracks.

So, I guess I am with Em in FL. Let him know how you feel. And let him know where you are on your chart.

 

[utunumsint]

My wife and I have the same situation, except the roles are reversed. She doesn’t want to have more children, but she has a very strong drive right now. As a man its really hard for me to resist when she is in the mood…sigh…

I’ve decided to sleep in another bed. That way I’m not so tense and err… ready to go all the time.

We share a five minute snuggle before bed time, and another five minutes after we wake up. That helps to maintain the emotional connection. Any more than that and the fire starts burning…

God bless,
Ut

 

[BuffaloNickels]

And let him know where you are on your chart.

I’m not ovulating yet, I think it’s just a case of the forbidden fruit. Sort of like when he’s gone for 3-4 months for his job… suddenly THEN he thinks about sex every. single. day. Only THEN does he make advances on me… from half way around the world… He’s never the pursuer when he’s HERE or when I was on ABC.

And HE was the one who was supposed to be doing the charting. There wasn’t supposed to be any “now’s not a good time honey” Not that it’s even relevant right now, we’re still in the first 30 days of starting NFP - we’re abstaining until I get a normal cycle and can recognize when I am fertile. He said he didn’t want to take any chances at all because he’s that adamant against more kids.

 

[pseudosig]

My wife and I ran into the frisky issue too. But after doing an inspection of my conscience and talking to a priest in confession… I was actually being lustful with the intent of being frisky with no intention of making love. That is to say, getting aroused purposefully but knowing ahead of time that we wouldn’t finish the “deal” in the bedroom was gravely sinful. We’ve learned since how to show our affection during time of abstaining in different ways that don’t have the intent of sexually flustering each other.

 

[BuffaloNickels]

I’ve decided to sleep in another bed. That way I’m not so tense and err… ready to go all the time.

God bless,
Ut

I told him if he didn’t stop spooning me all night he was going to have to sleep on the couch. (no other beds, and the 2 year old still sleeps in our room, and DH would never hear him if he woke up otherwise I would sleep on the couch)

He thought I was joking. Maybe I’ll just move the crib out to the living room? lol

 

[BuffaloNickels]

My wife and I ran into the frisky issue too. But after doing an inspection of my conscience and talking to a priest in confession… I was actually being lustful with the intent of being frisky with no intention of making love. That is to say, getting aroused purposefully but knowing ahead of time that we wouldn’t finish the “deal” in the bedroom was gravely sinful. We’ve learned since how to show our affection during time of abstaining in different ways that don’t have the intent of sexually flustering each other.

Interesting… I wonder how I could gracefully bring that up with DH. Thank you!

 

[utunumsint]

I told him if he didn’t stop spooning me all night he was going to have to sleep on the couch. (no other beds, and the 2 year old still sleeps in our room, and DH would never hear him if he woke up otherwise I would sleep on the couch)

He thought I was joking. Maybe I’ll just move the crib out to the living room? lol

Well on the bright side, if he looses control, at least you don’t mind having another child. Then you can blame him.

But all laughing aside, just how strong is his desire not to have more kids? Do you think it could seriously harm your relationship with him if number 4 came along?

God bless,
Ut

 

[BuffaloNickels]

Yes, I do think our relationship would be harmed. I think we would eventualy overcome it, because we’ve overcome dificulties before. We’re both commited to working out marital problems. But I do see several months of him not talking to me at all before we could even begin to talk things out. Which is why I said I’d be tempted to send him to live with his mom.

Things would go over a lot better if it really was him who couldn’t resist. You know, if he looked at the cart and saw that it was only 2 days past ovulation, and we’re supposed to wait four, but he decides he’d like to go for it… But that was why he was supposed be doing the charting, so that HE could make the judgement call. I think if he decided to roll the dice he’d still be pouty, but nothing like if it was my “fault”

I don’t think it’s fair of him to put ME in the spot to say yes we can, no we can’t every single day when I’m the one who wants more.

If he doesn’t want to do this as a parternship… AND I’m not supposed to “get” pregnant… I’m hurt just thinking about it.

And of course he’s working late tonight, which means I probably won’t get a chance to talk to him until tomorrow after the kids go to bed…

 

[Em_in_FL]

I don’t think it’s fair of him to put ME in the spot to say yes we can, no we can’t every single day when I’m the one who wants more.

If he doesn’t want to do this as a parternship… AND I’m not supposed to “get” pregnant… I’m hurt just thinking about it.

Ahh… so YOU’RE not really on board with using NFP either, right?.. since you’re ready for more kids? So I’m taking it that NFP is a compromise for BOTH of you, right? He’d prefer you were on hormonal BC and you want to be pregnant?

I think a really good heart-to-heart is in order here. You NEED to communicate that avoiding pregnancy is a STRUGGLE for you right now. He NEEDS to understand your point of view.
And you ALSO need to understand his point of view. Talk out the details. I’m sure it’s challenging being the provider for a big family - that’s a big burden to carry. I’m assuming you don’t work, correct? Is there anything you can do as a family to adjust finances to lower some of his burdens? That may help to open his heart to a larger family!

There needs to be some definite deeper conversations… open up on WHY you each carry the feelings you have. If you suppress those thoughts then both of you will only become more bitter towards the other.

 

[BuffaloNickels]

The switch to NFP was because of our faith, he honestly doesn’t want me on ABC either. But he thinks that we should be able to use it perfectly, thus there is no worry about any more kids.

I agreed to avoid pregnancy, I promised not lie about what I see, I won’t sabatoge or fudge. I do wish he’d change his mind, but I believe both people in a marriage need to want the next one in order to actively TTC.

He knows I want more, I know he doesn’t because of his plans for retirement. We can easily afford another one, he just doesn’t want any kids at home when he turns 60 because he thinks he can’t retire until all the kids are gone. Never mind that I agreed to go back to work part time once all the kids are in school. We don’t need me to work now, but I dont’ mind going to work so that we can save up for a better retirement, KWIM?

I honestly don’t know what else needs to be said, but maybe it just needs to be said AGAIN. I have never outright said “trying to avoid is difficult for me” so maybe that one does need to be said. But he knows I want more.

We do struggle and trip over conversations, we don’t communicate gracefully. We do try though. So maybe it’s just a matter of going over it several times until it all sinks in?

 

[Em_in_FL]

Prayers for you guys! I know communication is hard… it is for many!!!

And continue to pray *for *each other and together!
God won’t let you down when you turn to *HIM *to guide your way… He knows what He’s doing.

 

[utunumsint]

The switch to NFP was because of our faith, he honestly doesn’t want me on ABC either. But he thinks that we should be able to use it perfectly, thus there is no worry about any more kids.

This is good news. At least you are both on the same page with regards to NFP.

I agreed to avoid pregnancy, I promised not lie about what I see, I won’t sabatoge or fudge. I do wish he’d change his mind, but I believe both people in a marriage need to want the next one in order to actively TTC.

100% agreed.

He knows I want more, I know he doesn’t because of his plans for retirement. We can easily afford another one, he just doesn’t want any kids at home when he turns 60 because he thinks he can’t retire until all the kids are gone. Never mind that I agreed to go back to work part time once all the kids are in school. We don’t need me to work now, but I dont’ mind going to work so that we can save up for a better retirement, KWIM?

I honestly don’t know what else needs to be said, but maybe it just needs to be said AGAIN. I have never outright said “trying to avoid is difficult for me” so maybe that one does need to be said. But he knows I want more.

If he is on board for NFP, then he has to make some sacrifices, including sleeping on the bed for a while to make things easier on you.

We do struggle and trip over conversations, we don’t communicate gracefully. We do try though. So maybe it’s just a matter of going over it several times until it all sinks in?

I hear you. It’s not easy. But who knows? Maybe after a couple of months of NFP he’ll find that fourth child not so threatening afterall?

God bless,
Ut