Need Advice:

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Powercat

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Looking for some advice from fellow Catholics.

My current girlfriend and I live approximately 6-7 hours away from our hometowns. Actually, we grew up 80 miles apart. We met in the town we currently live in. We both moved here after we got jobs after college. I work in the agriculture field and she works at a hospital. We both have separate apartments here in town. We have dated for two years now.

This week my girlfriend gave me an ultimatum. She wants to move closer to home, and wants me to come with her. She stated how unhappy and stressed she is with her current job. Basically, she will be moving this December no matter what.

However, I currently love my job and enjoy what I do. I cannot re-locate with my company. I have great clients and co-workers that I deal with on a daily basis. I wake up everyday thankful for what I do. Basically, I do not want to leave my current position. I am truly happy and appreciate every part of my job.

I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Just not sure what is the best thing to do. I love her and my job very much. Do I follow the girl I love or stay where I am at now. Also, we are both 26 years old. As well, she has her heart on leaving within the next six months. Thoughts would be appreciated.
 
You’re 26 years old and have dated this girl for 2 years. That’s long enough I think, and you’re certainly old enough, to work out whether you two should be married. The fact that you are not, and that she wants to move rather than stay where you want to stay, suggests this relationship may have run its course.

Perhaps others will disagree, but IMO the love you have for your spouse (or potential spouse) should so far exceed your love for a job that this decision ought to be a no brainer.

Moreover, the fact that this was presented as an ultimatum, rather than discussed together as a couple, suggests this relationship isn’t right for either of you.

That’s just my 2c. Everyone can offer an opinion, but ultimately only you can make the choices here.
 
You have a job there that you love everything about. She has a job at the hospital there that stresses her out. Does it make sense for you to follow her when she doesn’t even know where she’s going or whether she’ll be happy there or not?

From what you’ve said, I wonder whether the town is as important as the kind of work. Maybe she doesn’t like her subspecialty or maybe she doesn’t like the stress of the hospital, period. I think she needs to do some soul-searching about what kind of work she wants to do before moving closer to home and discovering that she hates working in a hospital there, too. There have got to be other places for her to work that are within commuting distance of your current town.

Also, is she homesick? Would more or longer trips to her home town help?

You guys have dated for a while. Do you want to marry her? I think it’s probably time to either set a date or set her free. That may in fact be why she’s giving you this ultimatum–she may be tired of waiting for you to propose. Either way, I think the two of you need to talk about your plans for the future. If you do marry and she becomes a stay at home mom, her career stuff would become moot for the time being. However, it’s possible that she wants to be closer to family for the sake of future kids or that she has family that she foresees will need her in the coming years.

The bottom line is, talk to her and figure out what she wants to get out of her move back.
 
Thank you for your response. I just need to have faith in God, that he will lead me in the right direction.
 
Xantippe said:
You have a job there that you love everything about. She has a job at the hospital there that stresses her out. Does it make sense for you to follow her when she doesn’t even know where she’s going or whether she’ll be happy there or not?

From what you’ve said, I wonder whether the town is as important as the kind of work. Maybe she doesn’t like her subspecialty or maybe she doesn’t like the stress of the hospital, period. I think she needs to do some soul-searching about what kind of work she wants to do before moving closer to home and discovering that she hates working in a hospital there, too. There have got to be other places for her to work that are within commuting distance of your current town.

Also, is she homesick? Would more or longer trips to her home town help?

You guys have dated for a while. Do you want to marry her? I think it’s probably time to either set a date or set her free. That may in fact be why she’s giving you this ultimatum–she may be tired of waiting for you to propose. Either way, I think the two of you need to talk about your plans for the future. If you do marry and she becomes a stay at home mom, her career stuff would become moot for the time being. However, it’s possible that she wants to be closer to family for the sake of future kids or that she has family that she foresees will need her in the coming years.

The bottom line is, talk to her and figure out what she wants to get out of her move back.
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I honestly think she is a little homesick. The seven hour drive back to her parents is a long haul for a weekend trip only. Do I want to marry her, yes. Think she wants to move back and be closer to family & friends, which is understandable.
 
Can you get her to promise not to quit her job and move back home without getting a new job first? Also, maybe you need to help her to make more of an effort to put down roots in your new town. Can you encourage her to make friends and develop hobbies? Also, make it clear to her that you want to marry her and that the two of you need to make prudent choices together for the sake of your future family.
 
I honestly think she is a little homesick. The seven hour drive back to her parents is a long haul for a weekend trip only. Do I want to marry her, yes. Think she wants to move back and be closer to family & friends, which is understandable.
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This is something to seriously think about. My DH and I love to travel, and don’t like “constant” flow of relatives on weekends/holidays/etc. We enjoy living in different cities, and if his job takes him to a new one, so be it! How fun!

If you are going to be annoyed/bothered by lots of time with relatives (I’m like that- grew up without any), or will want to possibly travel in the future, this is something you need to discuss with her, and think about in terms of your relationship.
 
Xantippe said:
You have a job there that you love everything about. She has a job at the hospital there that stresses her out. Does it make sense for you to follow her when she doesn’t even know where she’s going or whether she’ll be happy there or not?

From what you’ve said, I wonder whether the town is as important as the kind of work. Maybe she doesn’t like her subspecialty or maybe she doesn’t like the stress of the hospital, period. I think she needs to do some soul-searching about what kind of work she wants to do before moving closer to home and discovering that she hates working in a hospital there, too. There have got to be other places for her to work that are within commuting distance of your current town.

Also, is she homesick? Would more or longer trips to her home town help?

You guys have dated for a while. Do you want to marry her? I think it’s probably time to either set a date or set her free. That may in fact be why she’s giving you this ultimatum–she may be tired of waiting for you to propose. Either way, I think the two of you need to talk about your plans for the future. If you do marry and she becomes a stay at home mom, her career stuff would become moot for the time being. However, it’s possible that she wants to be closer to family for the sake of future kids or that she has family that she foresees will need her in the coming years.

The bottom line is, talk to her and figure out what she wants to get out of her move back.
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That’s my guess.
 
Sounds like she doesn’t think you are going to ask her to marry her anytime soon, and she is tired. Of course she wants to go back home
 
Not trying to step on toes here or be a downer, but perhaps even if he did propose, that may not necessarily change her homesickness, or at least not for long (as I think someone mentioned, she may want to move back to have a family close to relatives/family). And if she’s career-minded (as opposed to wanting to be a SAHM), she may still be wanting to move, because she’ll want to get a job elsewhere since she’s so unhappy with the one she’s got now.

I guess I don’t want to make it seem like proposing solves everything. I agree with whoever said that a good sit-down talk about the future, and it’s possibilities–if we do this we can do this, this or that, or if this then a, b, or c–is definitely needed. I know no one has said to do this, but I’m thinking a sudden “let’s get married!” is going to put an emotional twist on her…er…maybe a few! that may make things more…unsure/complicated if the future possibilities as to what people want haven’t been discussed.

I also agree with whoever said that if she’s gonna stay where she is, then to develop friendships, hobbies, and things like that, which will help ease the homesickness. If she is willing to stay, then being married would also help too, but again, that’s if she’s willing to stay. (This particular paragraph from personal experience.)

Lots of prayer, discernment/discussion, and compromise!

Good luck!

-Grey
 
GreyRabbit said:
Not trying to step on toes here or be a downer, but perhaps even if he did propose, that may not necessarily change her homesickness, or at least not for long (as I think someone mentioned, she may want to move back to have a family close to relatives/family). And if she’s career-minded (as opposed to wanting to be a SAHM), she may still be wanting to move, because she’ll want to get a job elsewhere since she’s so unhappy with the one she’s got now.

I guess I don’t want to make it seem like proposing solves everything. I agree with whoever said that a good sit-down talk about the future, and it’s possibilities–if we do this we can do this, this or that, or if this then a, b, or c–is definitely needed. I know no one has said to do this, but I’m thinking a sudden “let’s get married!” is going to put an emotional twist on her…er…maybe a few! that may make things more…unsure/complicated if the future possibilities as to what people want haven’t been discussed.

I also agree with whoever said that if she’s gonna stay where she is, then to develop friendships, hobbies, and things like that, which will help ease the homesickness. If she is willing to stay, then being married would also help too, but again, that’s if she’s willing to stay. (This particular paragraph from personal experience.)

Lots of prayer, discernment/discussion, and compromise!

Good luck!

-Grey
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It might not change her homesickness, but there would be some purpose to staying if she were getting married.

Probably the only question in her mind about the future is… whether or not they are getting married. They can talk about that all day long. How much talking can you do about it? Is he going to suggest that “maybe down the road they might think about getting engaged?” She doesn’t want to stick around for that. It has been two years. Either he wants to get married or he doesn’t.
 
HouseArrest said:
It might not change her homesickness, but there would be some purpose to staying if she were getting married.
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I agree! Lol I need to be more articulate.
HouseArrest said:
Probably the only question in her mind about the future is… whether or not they are getting married. They can talk about that all day long. How much talking can you do about it? Is he going to suggest that “maybe down the road they might think about getting engaged?” She doesn’t want to stick around for that. It has been two years. Either he wants to get married or he doesn’t.
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Oh I don’t mean talking about delaying a marriage even more if that’s the direction they’re going in, which it sounds like they are. I meant talking about possibilities for and after marriage…like maybe they can get married near the family rather than moving, since the OP wants to stay at his current location. Or maybe talking about staying there a few years then moving, and what she could do in the meantime. Stuff like that.
 
I would say that if you are sure you want to marry her, then go ahead and propose. Then if she says yes, the two of you will have to work out where to live. That may be a difficult decision, but if you face it together as husband and wife, or as soon-to-be husband and wife, it may clarify things. Also, does she plan to be a stay-at-home mom when/if you get married and have children? If yes, then the fact that she doesn’t like her job may not matter for much longer anyway.

If you are not ready to propose, then I would say let her move, you stay where you are, and the two of you maintain a long-distance relationship. Surely you can still see each other and talk to each other often enough to continue to discern if you want to marry, even if you are six or seven hours apart.
 
underacloud said:
You’re 26 years old and have dated this girl for 2 years. That’s long enough I think, and you’re certainly old enough, to work out whether you two should be married. The fact that you are not, and that she wants to move rather than stay where you want to stay, suggests this relationship may have run its course.

Perhaps others will disagree, but IMO the love you have for your spouse (or potential spouse) should so far exceed your love for a job that this decision ought to be a no brainer.

Moreover, the fact that this was presented as an ultimatum, rather than discussed together as a couple, suggests this relationship isn’t right for either of you.

That’s just my 2c. Everyone can offer an opinion, but ultimately only you can make the choices here.
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👍
I totally agree.
 
Powercat said:
Looking for some advice from fellow Catholics.

My current girlfriend and I live approximately 6-7 hours away from our hometowns. Actually, we grew up 80 miles apart. We met in the town we currently live in. We both moved here after we got jobs after college. I work in the agriculture field and she works at a hospital. We both have separate apartments here in town. We have dated for two years now.

This week my girlfriend gave me an ultimatum. She wants to move closer to home, and wants me to come with her. She stated how unhappy and stressed she is with her current job. Basically, she will be moving this December no matter what.

However, I currently love my job and enjoy what I do. I cannot re-locate with my company. I have great clients and co-workers that I deal with on a daily basis. I wake up everyday thankful for what I do. Basically, I do not want to leave my current position. I am truly happy and appreciate every part of my job.

I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Just not sure what is the best thing to do. I love her and my job very much. Do I follow the girl I love or stay where I am at now. Also, we are both 26 years old. As well, she has her heart on leaving within the next six months. Thoughts would be appreciated.
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I do not like ultimatums. It is a power play on her part, and leaves her in a leadership position that I believe women should not be in. This is MY OPINION on how relationships should work - you are free to ignore my advice, but at least think about this.

She knows that you love your job and are happy in it. Yet she is telling you, “It’s me or your job.” She is willing to put herself in the top slot, and remove your ability to provide for her as your possible wife. She is not happy, yet from what you have said, she does not have a clear plan for the future, only going home. I do not think that she is ready to “leave and cleave” and create a life with a husband, if she sees going home to her family as an answer to her unhappiness.

I do not like ultimatums when served up by either person in a relationship. Things like this mean that one person is forcing the hand of the other, leaving the possibility of resentment and revenge on the part of the person who may surrender to the power of the other, but continue to store these things in his/her heart. A couple should discuss large issues like this TOGETHER, with love and collaboration.

If you were my son, I’d tell you to let her go home. If she comes back, she might be ready for marriage. MIGHT BE. Otherwise, she’s not.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I do not like ultimatums. It is a power play on her part, and leaves her in a leadership position that I believe women should not be in. This is MY OPINION on how relationships should work - you are free to ignore my advice, but at least think about this.

She knows that you love your job and are happy in it. Yet she is telling you, “It’s me or your job.” She is willing to put herself in the top slot, and remove your ability to provide for her as your possible wife. She is not happy, yet from what you have said, she does not have a clear plan for the future, only going home. I do not think that she is ready to “leave and cleave” and create a life with a husband, if she sees going home to her family as an answer to her unhappiness.

I do not like ultimatums when served up by either person in a relationship. Things like this mean that one person is forcing the hand of the other, leaving the possibility of resentment and revenge on the part of the person who may surrender to the power of the other, but continue to store these things in his/her heart. A couple should discuss large issues like this TOGETHER, with love and collaboration.

If you were my son, I’d tell you to let her go home. If she comes back, she might be ready for marriage. MIGHT BE. Otherwise, she’s not.
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I absolutely agree.

Normally, if she wanted to discuss this and voiced her concerns about her job and her homesickness…then you might have grounds for feeling torn.

Simply put…ultimatums within a relationship are uncalled for and shouldn’t be honored. I agree with TRJ…it’s a power play on her part. She isn’t thinking about you. She is putting you under duress and forcing you to make a decision that may not be right for you.

You two aren’t married. This situation is totally different from that of a married couple. You have every right to say no…I will not move because I am happy here.
 
Kelfa28 said:
I absolutely agree.

Normally, if she wanted to discuss this and voiced her concerns about her job and her homesickness…then you might have grounds for feeling torn.

Simply put…ultimatums within a relationship are uncalled for and shouldn’t be honored. I agree with TRJ…it’s a power play on her part. She isn’t thinking about you. She is putting you under duress and forcing you to make a decision that may not be right for you.

You two aren’t married. This situation is totally different from that of a married couple. You have every right to say no…I will not move because I am happy here.
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Yes, and in today’s economy, having a job that supports you and possibly a family, and that you love, is nothing to scoff at. It troubles me that this girl is willing to cancel that out just to get him to propose? Or move without proposing? The more I think about it, the more I would advise this young man to let her go.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Yes, and in today’s economy, having a job that supports you and possibly a family, and that you love, is nothing to scoff at. It troubles me that this girl is willing to cancel that out just to get him to propose? Or move without proposing? The more I think about it, the more I would advise this young man to let her go.
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This was my first gut reaction to the post. I was actually surprised that so many people advocated him to move…for love.

I don’t see it as any different from a girl saying she’s going to break up with the boyfriend if he doesn’t propose right now. That has red flags all over it…big time. That automatically says he should break up with her immediately.

You’re right. A good job you actually like doing is so rare now. Unless she is your wife…don’t be so quick to give something like that up.

If she’s homesick…that is totally understandable. But that shouldn’t mean you go out an buy a ring right this second to stop the move.

What would happen if you did propose? Would she still want to move and have you give up a good job? Would her mind suddenly change about moving?

I don’t like the look of this situation. OP used the ultimatum. A word that should never exist within any kind of loving relationship.
 
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