Need Divorce advice

[bjj]

I’m at the point where I truly believe divorce is the best for our family. The question is, how do women afford to leave their husbands. I contacted an attorney and they want $2000 retainer fee and it could possibly run $10,000. Payments are due monthly and incur 6% interest if not paid in full monthly. I only work part-time and not even sure I can find an apartment for me and my children. My family lives 3 hrs away and I really have no friends to rely on. Any suggestions? Our parish is very small and does not even have a resident priest to turn to.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I’m at the point where I truly believe divorce is the best for our family. The question is, how do women afford to leave their husbands. I contacted an attorney and they want $2000 retainer fee and it could possibly run $10,000. Payments are due monthly and incur 6% interest if not paid in full monthly. I only work part-time and not even sure I can find an apartment for me and my children. My family lives 3 hrs away and I really have no friends to rely on. Any suggestions? Our parish is very small and does not even have a resident priest to turn to.

I am sorry you are going through this. I don’t have any practical advice, but can offer you prayers. Even though your family is 3 hours away, could you move in with someone there? Hopefully you could find another job and you wouldn’t have to find childcare. I hope someone who has been in your shoes offers you some needed and helpful advice.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I’m at the point where I truly believe divorce is the best for our family. The question is, how do women afford to leave their husbands. I contacted an attorney and they want $2000 retainer fee and it could possibly run $10,000. Payments are due monthly and incur 6% interest if not paid in full monthly. I only work part-time and not even sure I can find an apartment for me and my children. My family lives 3 hrs away and I really have no friends to rely on. Any suggestions? Our parish is very small and does not even have a resident priest to turn to.

1.) As soon as possible, you need to start working full time. Now might also be a good time to consider moving closer to family and a support system, if that’s possible.

2.) When you interview attorneys, very often the initial interview is free. Attorneys who speak up and tell you how their pay system works might seem mercenary, but they are really the better attorneys. In my experience as a person who has needed an attorney on more than one occasion, they won’t lead you on, and they will keep tabs on how much is spent. This beats the ones who think people are made of money, and don’t say anything until the first bill is due.

3.) Remembering that I am NOT a lawyer, in some states, if there is cause for a divorce, even in strictly no-fault states, a good attorney can make the other spouse responsible for paying the attorney’s fees as part of the settlement. So, in your case, your ex would be responsible for your attorney’s fees as well as his own. However, he would have no control over your attorney. You would still need to rustle up the $2,000 retainer (which, from my experience, is cheap). This is a good question to ask in the intial interview.

4.) If you think you have good cause for a divorce, you might want to think selling any jewelry to a reseller or pawn shop, including your wedding and engagement rings. Many women do this.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope you have a better time of it.

 

[lizaanne]

Make sure you talk to an attorney BEFORE you leave the family home. If you leave before you know all your legal rights you may be causing yourself and your children problems you don’t even know about, such as being accused of abandonment.

As difficult as it may be, do not leave the home until an attorney tells you it is ok to do so (unless you are being physically abused, of course).

~Liza

 

[noclevername]

First of all, I know that I don’t know your situation but if there is any way you can work this out please please consider it. Divorce is horrible. It is like a death and in a way it is a death because a part of you is dying. You will mourn and it will take a while to get over it. Also, a lot of people divorce thinking the grass is greener on the other side but it’s not really greener.

But if you have exhausted every possibility of staying together I understand because I’ve been there myself. But your lawyer fees sound really really high. I mean extremely high. If your divorce is uncontested (you and your husband agree on everything) you should be able to find a lawyer for less than or right at $1000. Mine was about $400 and I live in a large metro city where things tend to be more expensive. It will be a little more since you ahve kids involved but still it shouldn’t be as much as you were quoted. However, if you and your husband can’t agree on who gets what then your quote is probably about right. Look in the yellow pages for a divorce attorny that offers a deal on uncontested divorce. It’s what they do so it’s what they know. You can also file yourself using online forms but I would not recommend this because there is too much room for error and mistakes will be made because you aren’t use to doing this. My ex split the attorney costs with me. You should not be responsible for the entire amount.

Also, it’s best if YOU contact the attorney instead of your husband so that the attorney will be working for YOU. It makes things a lot easier on you.

And, like LIzanne said, DON’T leave the house until an attorney tells you it’s OK.

Good luck and I wish you well and I really wish you didn’t have to go through this.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Make sure you talk to an attorney BEFORE you leave the family home. If you leave before you know all your legal rights you may be causing yourself and your children problems you don’t even know about, such as being accused of abandonment.

As difficult as it may be, do not leave the home until an attorney tells you it is ok to do so (unless you are being physically abused, of course).

~Liza

This is extremely important. Don’t blow it off.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

But your lawyer fees sound really really high. I mean extremely high. If your divorce is uncontested (you and your husband agree on everything) you should be able to find a lawyer for less than or right at $1000. Mine was about $400 and I live in a large metro city where things tend to be more expensive…

Lawyer fees vary from state to state and metro area to metro area. There is no way she can know what is entailed until she talks with a lawyer. And not every state has uncontested divorce.

Here is Illinois, $10K is not unusual if there is property to divide, a contested divorce, or evidence to gather (esp. with a man who is making a good income). So to say $2K is high might be right for where you live, but so wrong for other places.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I’m at the point where I truly believe divorce is the best for our family. The question is, how do women afford to leave their husbands. I contacted an attorney and they want $2000 retainer fee and it could possibly run $10,000. Payments are due monthly and incur 6% interest if not paid in full monthly. I only work part-time and not even sure I can find an apartment for me and my children. My family lives 3 hrs away and I really have no friends to rely on. Any suggestions? Our parish is very small and does not even have a resident priest to turn to.

I divorced my ex and it took me many years to do so because of this same situation…Until my bff told me about several attorneys and family law places that are around that base it on your income, sometimes if you can’t afford it at all it’s free of charge…

But you need to look in the county where you live…Here where I live in illinois there is no such service so I wouldn’t even think of getting married nor divorced around here ever…I don’t know how women do it here in illlinois…very different than california…

But I found an attorney that does consultations for free, and some do a probono thing…so the best thing for you to do is contact the county family courts where you live and go from there…

Good luck and GOD bless…

 

[noclevername]

Lawyer fees vary from state to state and metro area to metro area. There is no way she can know what is entailed until she talks with a lawyer. And not every state has uncontested divorce.

Here is Illinois, $10K is not unusual if there is property to divide, a contested divorce, or evidence to gather (esp. with a man who is making a good income). So to say $2K is high might be right for where you live, but so wrong for other places.

I understand that but my point was that she needs to shop around and not take the first quote she finds. That’s why I mentioned the yellow pages.

 

[dulcissima]

Divorce is really, really expensive. Mine was over $20k. It is possible to do it without a lawyer and just go through mediation, but that would probably require both of you being able to work together in sort of a civil way. My thoughts are that if you get along well enough to work out the divorce, maybe there is enough there to work with that you could save the marriage.

If things are really that bad, maybe one of your relatives will be able to assist you?

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I understand that but my point was that she needs to shop around and not take the first quote she finds. That’s why I mentioned the yellow pages.

Ahhhhhh…Thanks for the explanation. Another good choice is the online services some local bar associations provide. And don’t be afraid to ask friends who’ve been through this tragedy, or even work people.

 

[bjj]

Thanks for all the advice, but I cannot leave the home because it is abandonment and will work against me. And, I cannot work, I must take care of my children since my dh works out of town on several occasions and I am responsible for getting the children to and from work. I guess I’m in a terrible, terrible situation and don’t know where to turn. Thanks for all the prayers!!! And, unfortunately the issues have gone on long enough and cannot be solved by one party, both must compromise!

 

[puzzleannie]

do you have Legal Aid in your town who can help you, or a woman’s law center?

 

[nmoerbeek]

I’m at the point where I truly believe divorce is the best for our family. The question is, how do women afford to leave their husbands. I contacted an attorney and they want $2000 retainer fee and it could possibly run $10,000. Payments are due monthly and incur 6% interest if not paid in full monthly. I only work part-time and not even sure I can find an apartment for me and my children. My family lives 3 hrs away and I really have no friends to rely on. Any suggestions? Our parish is very small and does not even have a resident priest to turn to.

How is destroying a family what is best for it?

You come to a Catholic forum looking for divorce advice? I’m hoping that you are coming here as a cry for help and that you do not want to divorce. That speaks of great goodness and desire for healing if this is the case.

If not it puts us in the situation of condoning something sinful if we do not take exception.

It’s not really pragmatic either, I wouldn’t ask a Quaker how to throw a punch, or ask an Amish how to fix my car. Please reconsider divorce.

God Bless!

 

[Seatuck]

I’m at the point where I truly believe divorce is the best for our family. The question is, how do women afford to leave their husbands. I contacted an attorney and they want $2000 retainer fee and it could possibly run $10,000. Payments are due monthly and incur 6% interest if not paid in full monthly. I only work part-time and not even sure I can find an apartment for me and my children. My family lives 3 hrs away and I really have no friends to rely on. Any suggestions? Our parish is very small and does not even have a resident priest to turn to.

Are you sure divorce is necessary and not just separation?
Call up your diocese and see if they can recommend someone to counsel you pastorally. See a Catholic therapist if possible to help you make this decision.

 

[IrishAm]

Thanks for all the advice, but I cannot leave the home because it is abandonment and will work against me.

Not necessarily so, something else a lawyer MUST advise you on if you are considering divorce. Yes, it is very expensive to have a lawyer. But not nearly as expensive as not having one to assist you in a divorce.

How is destroying a family what is best for it?

You come to a Catholic forum looking for divorce advice? I’m hoping that you are coming here as a cry for help and that you do not want to divorce. That speaks of great goodness and desire for healing if this is the case.

If not it puts us in the situation of condoning something sinful if we do not take exception.

We have no idea from OP’s posting what her situation is, and, therefore, have no idea whether we are ‘condoning something sinful’ or if we are saving someone – or someone’s children – from great harm. I suggest you let people answer her questions as best they can and save the condemnation for when, and if, more information is forthcoming that suggest she is making rash choices. I would hope anyone making a thoughtful choice would feel safe coming to this forum looking for advice.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Not necessarily so, something else a lawyer MUST advise you on if you are considering divorce. Yes, it is very expensive to have a lawyer. But not nearly as expensive as not having one to assist you in a divorce. I know lawyers are the butts of jokes, and people assume they are only in it for the money. But I have found the profession to be filled with mostly honorable, honest, caring people.

 

[nmoerbeek]

Not necessarily so, something else a lawyer MUST advise you on if you are considering divorce. Yes, it is very expensive to have a lawyer. But not nearly as expensive as not having one to assist you in a divorce.

We have no idea from OP’s posting what her situation is, and, therefore, have no idea whether we are ‘condoning something sinful’ or if we are saving someone – or someone’s children – from great harm. I suggest you let people answer her questions as best they can and save the condemnation for when, and if, more information is forthcoming that suggest she is making rash choices. I would hope anyone making a thoughtful choice would feel safe coming to this forum looking for advice.

“Let no one, therefore, say that a man must not be rebuked when he deviates from the right way, or that his return and perseverance must only be asked from the Lord for him.” St Augustine

I only wish to mirror what many others do: to post out of a desire to help. I believe that giving information on how to get a divorce is contrary to helping.

I am not judging the OP, not my job thank goodness. My apologies to the OP if it came across that way. There are tons of secular diatribes and checklists on the internet about divorce. Catholic forums would not be my first choice to go to for knowledge on ways to commit adultery, steal, *break their vows *** (to love and cherish) or other secular sinful behavior ( I am not suggesting that the OP or anyone here has done such things). **unless ** they want to be talked out of it or comforted for what is afflicting them.

I would not give directions to someone on their way to planned parenthood. Who knows maybe they are going to be protesting in front of it, going their for an abortion, or are looking for the MacDonalds across the street from it?

Maybe not. But if I had good reason to believe that they are not going there for a good reason then I feel that the information should be with held. I read one of the OP previous posts about her husband traveling a lot and how hard it is. Perhaps that is one of the reasons she is considering divorce and sense **we do know that **would it be an unfair idea that perhaps she is lonely?

The enthusiasm on these boards over leaving spouses make me ill to my stomach.

*** Even if it is so minor*** as a checklist we do not want to encourage divorce as a viable option.

 

[latinmasslover]

• Is your husband a danger to you and/or your children? If so, is he willing to change, or work on it? Unwillingness on his part could justify a divorce, but still doesn’t permit remarriage. If he’s not abusive, the answer is temporary separation (at the most) with counseling. +

 

[Alix1912]

While I do think Divorce is used too much in this country and as a convenient escape from actually working on a marriage, there are several justifiable reasons for people to divorce. I am a big believer in doing whatever possible to work it out. That being said,
I personally lived through my mom’s two divorces. Divorce is an awful and evil thing, but there are times (not just abuse situations) that it is the only reasonable option.

My advice is if this is your only solution, get a lawyer and get one now. Listen to them and document everything. Also try and conduct yourself as the bigger person…it goes a long way with the judge. (My step dad served my mom divorce papers on Dec 26th…guess who looked like the colossal jerk.)

Do what you have to, in order to protect yourself and your children’s future.