Need Divorce advice

[iluvmybabies]

“Let no one, therefore, say that a man must not be rebuked when he deviates from the right way, or that his return and perseverance must only be asked from the Lord for him.” St Augustine

I only wish to mirror what many others do: to post out of a desire to help. I believe that giving information on how to get a divorce is contrary to helping.

I am not judging the OP, not my job thank goodness. My apologies to the OP if it came across that way. There are tons of secular diatribes and checklists on the internet about divorce. Catholic forums would not be my first choice to go to for knowledge on ways to commit adultery, steal, *break their vows *** (to love and cherish) or other secular sinful behavior ( I am not suggesting that the OP or anyone here has done such things). **unless ** they want to be talked out of it or comforted for what is afflicting them.

I would not give directions to someone on their way to planned parenthood. Who knows maybe they are going to be protesting in front of it, going their for an abortion, or are looking for the MacDonalds across the street from it?

Maybe not. But if I had good reason to believe that they are not going there for a good reason then I feel that the information should be with held. I read one of the OP previous posts about her husband traveling a lot and how hard it is. Perhaps that is one of the reasons she is considering divorce and sense **we do know that **would it be an unfair idea that perhaps she is lonely?

The enthusiasm on these boards over leaving spouses make me ill to my stomach.

*** Even if it is so minor*** as a checklist we do not want to encourage divorce as a viable option.

I agree with you…I understand your point and where you stand but she just asked for divorce help…Sorry if it seemed like a bad thing to answer upon…

If she were to ask something like, should I divorce my husband based on my loneliness then we can advice her accordingly…

Sorry if we make you sick to your stomach for advising her on divorce…

 

[latinmasslover]

• But we can’t advise in a situation in which we don’t have the facts, or at least the main ones. If there is no valid reason to end the divorce we really have no business helping someone to end their marriage. This is why I say:

Why does she feel that divorce is the only option? What is the problem? +

 

[noclevername]

• But we can’t advise in a situation in which we don’t have the facts, or at least the main ones. If there is no valid reason to end the divorce we really have no business helping someone to end their marriage. This is why I say:

Why does she feel that divorce is the only option? What is the problem? +

It’s not up to us to decide if she has valid reasons for ending her marriage, that is her decision and hers alone. She has already made that decision so it seems. She came on this forum for some help. It sounds like she doesn’t know many people and doesn’t have many resources so she came here. But as i said before, ending a marriage is her choice. It’s her decision and hers alone. If she doesn’t want to give details then that is her prerogative.

 

[SarahR]

OP:
I haven’t read all the responses, but I’m going through a divorce myself. My heart and prayers are with you.

I have no advice, but here are a few things to consider, from my experience-
Have you looked into legal assistance through your county?
An attorney may or may not advise you to obtain full-time employment. Sometimes it makes more sense to temporarily remain on p/t employment.
Re: issue of “abandonment” about the marital home. My dh left the house a year ago, and the 4 attorneys I have spoken with have said it isn’t necessarily considered such, because it is assumed that when a couple is divorcing, one party will leave the marital home. Just wanted to (name removed by moderator)ut what I have learned.

Again, please know that you are being prayed for. Spend as much time as you need at the Lord’s feet, silent if necessary.

God bless:heart:

 

[iluvmybabies]

OP:
I haven’t read all the responses, but I’m going through a divorce myself. My heart and prayers are with you.

I have no advice, but here are a few things to consider, from my experience-
Have you looked into legal assistance through your county?
An attorney may or may not advise you to obtain full-time employment. Sometimes it makes more sense to temporarily remain on p/t employment.
Re: issue of “abandonment” about the marital home. My dh left the house a year ago, and the 4 attorneys I have spoken with have said it isn’t necessarily considered such, because it is assumed that when a couple is divorcing, one party will leave the marital home. Just wanted to (name removed by moderator)ut what I have learned.

Again, please know that you are being prayed for. Spend as much time as you need at the Lord’s feet, silent if necessary.

God bless:heart:

Good advice…

 

[iluvmybabies]

It’s not up to us to decide if she has valid reasons for ending her marriage, that is her decision and hers alone. She has already made that decision so it seems. She came on this forum for some help. It sounds like she doesn’t know many people and doesn’t have many resources so she came here. But as i said before, ending a marriage is her choice. It’s her decision and hers alone. If she doesn’t want to give details then that is her prerogative.

My thoughts and feelings exactly!

 

[bjj]

[We have no idea from OP’s posting what her situation is, and, therefore, have no idea whether we are ‘condoning something sinful’ or if we are saving someone – or someone’s children – from great harm. I suggest you let people answer her questions as best they can and save the condemnation for when, and if, more information is forthcoming that suggest she is making rash choices. I would hope anyone making a thoughtful choice would feel safe coming to this forum looking for advice.
[/quote]

Thank you for setting this straight. I’m not here to blame or air my dirty laundry, I know what is best and I know what is happening. I am a true Catholic and I do not believe in divorce, but unfortunately, things do not always work out the best for us. Some are willing to work things out and seek counseling and some of us, well enough said.

 

[bjj]

“Let no one, therefore, say that a man must not be rebuked when he deviates from the right way, or that his return and perseverance must only be asked from the Lord for him.” St Augustine

I only wish to mirror what many others do: to post out of a desire to help. I believe that giving information on how to get a divorce is contrary to helping.

I am not judging the OP, not my job thank goodness. My apologies to the OP if it came across that way. There are tons of secular diatribes and checklists on the internet about divorce. Catholic forums would not be my first choice to go to for knowledge on ways to commit adultery, steal, **break their vows **(to love and cherish) or other secular sinful behavior ( I am not suggesting that the OP or anyone here has done such things). **unless **they want to be talked out of it or comforted for what is afflicting them.

I would not give directions to someone on their way to planned parenthood. Who knows maybe they are going to be protesting in front of it, going their for an abortion, or are looking for the MacDonalds across the street from it?

Maybe not. But if I had good reason to believe that they are not going there for a good reason then I feel that the information should be with held. I read one of the OP previous posts about her husband traveling a lot and how hard it is. Perhaps that is one of the reasons she is considering divorce and sense **we do know that **would it be an unfair idea that perhaps she is lonely?

The enthusiasm on these boards over leaving spouses make me ill to my stomach.

Even if it is so minor as a checklist we do not want to encourage divorce as a viable option.

 

[graceandglory]

Divorce is really, really expensive. Mine was over $20k. It is possible to do it without a lawyer and just go through mediation, but that would probably require both of you being able to work together in sort of a civil way. My thoughts are that if you get along well enough to work out the divorce, maybe there is enough there to work with that you could save the marriage.

If things are really that bad, maybe one of your relatives will be able to assist you?

You will eventually need to go to work full time. Depending on your situation, you might need a bit of time to get on your feet that way. The judge will say when.

I will make the same suggestion to you that someone gave to me.

Take out a credit card in your name only. Right now it will be based on your mutual credit rating. You will most likely do better now that in the future. Make sure it’s in your name only and you can pay the retainer with that.

If your spouse is in any way abusive, keep it darn hid until you are separated. Remember, the mail with the pin number comes in a separate mailing from the card.

 

[graceandglory]

I only wish to mirror what many others do: to post out of a desire to help. I believe that giving information on how to get a divorce is contrary to helping…

You are assuming there is a sacrament. In much likelihood, if she is this afraid and doesn’t know where to turn, there might not be a sacrament. I can’t think of a better place than to run to the Rock, our refuge.

Divorce is not a sin. Our Church has restrictions on how we are to live if we get a divorce, but divorce in order to preserve your life is not a sin.

 

[graceandglory]

Why does she feel that divorce is the only option? What is the problem? +

I’m sure she has tried every other option. Why? Because I know that faithful Catholics will try everything. They will choose to live their life as a martyr at the hands of an abusive spouse in order to be holy. Only when the “bell goes off” and they realize that is not what God is calling them to, do they consider a final alternative. I know for me, it was when the children got involved that I considered the final alternative. I can be a martyr by myself, but I won’t force my children to.

Legal divorce is the only option usually when there are children involved who need to be provided for.

In a perfect world, a spouse will take care of his children. But we live in a sick, perverted, selfish, sexually disordered world. Most likely a man won’t send a penny to his wife unless required to by the courts.

A holy, faithful, Catholic wife might need to do that to provide for her children.

Some people really have no idea what others go through at the hands of a “spouse.” Let’s give this lady who is asking for Catholic advice the benefit of trusting that she has good motives. Let’s not just assume she has the morals of the rest of the world.

 

[graceandglory]

• Is your husband a danger to you and/or your children? If so, is he willing to change, or work on it? Unwillingness on his part could justify a divorce, but still doesn’t permit remarriage. If he’s not abusive, the answer is temporary separation (at the most) with counseling. +

Yes. That’s part of it. You still need to provide for your children. Often times, that requires a legal divorce.

If he is committing adultery and is planning to “remarry” it is a just cause for a divorce. Many people refuse counseling.

We don’t know her situation! We can’t judge her when we don’t know her situation.

 

[graceandglory]

But your lawyer fees sound really really high. I mean extremely high. If your divorce is uncontested (you and your husband agree on everything) you should be able to find a lawyer for less than or right at $1000. Mine was about $400 and I live in a large metro city where things tend to be more expensive.

It all depends on how many hours it takes to protect you in court.
Mine cost over $20,000, and I didn’t even have a lawyer with me in court. Mine is the exception to the rule though.

 

[choose_to_love]

First of all, please consider my remarks in the context of understanding that civil divorce is contrary to the spouses’ vows, but also understanding that at times civil divorce is tolerated to protect economic rights, child custody, etc. (obviously, absent annulment which cannot be presumed, the marriage still exists despite a civil divorce). We do not know really what the OP’s intentions and situation are. Also, please also consider the terrible damage that is sometimes inflicted (often self-inflicted) in custody cases and in which there is always some damage. So, as to the actual substance, please please try to find a way to preserve the marriage. You (couple & kids) will be in my prayers.

That being said, bjj, what it seems to me you should be looking into is your state’s support laws. It seems that you would be eligible for spousal and child support. Many support laws can provide for substantial portions of child care and even mortgage payments to be included as part of a support order, and you may be surprised how much that can be. I’m not saying you’d be living high on the hog, but what I was hearing you say was that you were concerned about keeping a roof over your heads while the marriage issues are worked on. Generally support payments are garnished directly from the payor’s employer. This would, in theory, allow your living situation to remain fairly stable while attempting to resolve the marital issues. That seems more reasonable than you attempting to find suitable housing for your self and kids, leaving your husband in the marital residence when he is out of town frequently for work anyway. Also keeps kids environment the most stable under the circumstances.

I think it is fair to say that for the vast majority of couples, both are significantly worse off financially after divorce, in either absolute dollars/property, amount of time needed to be put in at work to meet obligations, or both. I believe you work PT and your husband is FT? Unless he makes a really good salary, the reality is there is only so much money to go around.

Have you tried Marriage Encounter/Retrovaille?

 

[latinmasslover]

It’s not up to us to decide if she has valid reasons for ending her marriage, that is her decision and hers alone. She has already made that decision so it seems. She came on this forum for some help. It sounds like she doesn’t know many people and doesn’t have many resources so she came here. But as i said before, ending a marriage is her choice. It’s her decision and hers alone. If she doesn’t want to give details then that is her prerogative.

Ending her marriage is her choice as much as it is my choice to shoot someone; however, it isn’t right, moral, a good choice… Before helping a woman end her marriage we need to know if there’s a valid reason. I’m sure you wouldn’t support the selling of guns to just anyone who wanted one, true? The situation is the same here. We all have choices, but they’re not all right, they are not all moral, they are not all justified.

 

[bjj]

I appreciate all of you who spoke on my behalf, trying to reason with those who might not have any clue. And, no I am not divorcing just because I’m “lonley”. I resent those who think that I am taking “divorce” lightly. I have prayed and prayed, and I have tried and tried, but it takes two to make it work. Retrouvaille is only as good as one makes it. If you don’t do the follow-up work, then it too cannot save the marriage. I, like many others, would do just about anything to save our marriage, but when children are involved, you must protect your children. Sincerely, I appreciate all the responses and even respect those who don’t have a clue and are verbal enough to make me feel worse than I already do. At least, I know there are some of us who continue to take the sacrament of marriage as sacred, including myself.

 

[noclevername]

Ending her marriage is her choice as much as it is my choice to shoot someone; however, it isn’t right, moral, a good choice… Before helping a woman end her marriage we need to know if there’s a valid reason. **I’m sure you wouldn’t support the selling of guns to just anyone who wanted one, true? ** The situation is the same here. We all have choices, but they’re not all right, they are not all moral, they are not all justified.

Yes I would. If the person buying the gun passed a background check and waited the proper number of days then he/she can buy the gun. They don’t have to tell me if it’s for hunting or target shooting or whatever.

As I said before, I am sure the OP has considered all options and this is her very last resort. It’s not up to us to judge. And a divorce is a horrible thing and only the person who is going through it has the right to decide to do it or not. We cannot under any circumstances decide for her.

 

[nmoerbeek]

Yes I would. If the person buying the gun passed a background check and waited the proper number of days then he/she can buy the gun. They don’t have to tell me if it’s for hunting or target shooting or whatever.

As I said before, I am sure the OP has considered all options and this is her very last resort. It’s not up to us to judge. And a divorce is a horrible thing and only the person who is going through it has the right to decide to do it or not. We cannot under any circumstances decide for her.

I agree with you on the waiting period as it would be the legal way to purchase a gun.

BUT

You would not support someone buying a gun off the street would you? The circumstances do matter.

 

[nmoerbeek]

I appreciate all of you who spoke on my behalf, trying to reason with those who might not have any clue. And, no I am not divorcing just because I’m “lonley”. I resent those who think that I am taking “divorce” lightly. I have prayed and prayed, and I have tried and tried, but it takes two to make it work. Retrouvaille is only as good as one makes it. If you don’t do the follow-up work, then it too cannot save the marriage. I, like many others, would do just about anything to save our marriage, but when children are involved, you must protect your children. Sincerely, I appreciate all the responses and even respect those who don’t have a clue and are verbal enough to make me feel worse than I already do. At least, I know there are some of us who continue to take the sacrament of marriage as sacred, including myself.

So sacred it will never be broken by a civil court.

God be with you, your children and your husband.

 

[kage_ar]

Prayers for you.

Stay close to Jesus in the Sacraments, and look to a holy Priest for advice.