Need Divorce advice

[gruen12]

Hello, and maybe I can be of some support. I was married for 15 years before my now ex husband left me and my children for another woman 3 years ago. We had our parish priest try counseling, I tried to get him to go to professional counseling, I went to 2 different support groups, and finally after he’d left, I had him sign a legal separation document. I would recommend all the above to try to resolve any conflict that is present. Our priest oversaw the separation document signing, as he supported it over simply filing for divorce. I also strongly encourage you to get as many people into the situation as possible, especially if your husband is at fault for any action like infidelity, abuse, crimes, etc. There is a group called “DivorceCare” that is helpful in all stages of separation, plus they have a ministry for children, which is necessary from the beginning. My divorce ended up costing me almost $10,000, so don’t think it won’t be double what you anticipate. And I also agree with the above advisor that if you can avoid divorce, by all means try!!! It is worse than hell, and you’ll wish you never put your kids through it. Mine was unavoidable, as it was abandonment by their father, but has been the nastiest situation I have ever experienced.
I prayed desperately to God on an hourly basis for the first year, and allowed myself to relax in His strength and faithfulness. I recommend lots of prayer time before trying to discern what direction you should go. Yes, it is human and normal to try to fix this yourself, but God has a plan that will proceed smoother and result in better times if you trust that He will bring you through this. Good luck and God bless!

 

[latinmasslover]

I appreciate all of you who spoke on my behalf, trying to reason with those who might not have any clue.

Hence my response:

Why does she feel that divorce is the only option? What is the problem?

And, no I am not divorcing just because I’m “lonley”. I resent those who think that I am taking “divorce” lightly.

Again, you never specified the reasons. As for me, before I try to help someone do something that is sinful (in this case, depending on the circumstance) I want to know motive so that I don’t enable a sin.

Sincerely, I appreciate all the responses and even respect those who don’t have a clue and are verbal enough to make me feel worse than I already do. At least, I know there are some of us who continue to take the sacrament of marriage as sacred, including myself.

No one here was trying to make you feel like ****, we just wanted a little, tiny detail. To get so upset over that simple question implies a guilty conscience. I could be wrong and I hope I am, but that’s what the posts have shown. I’m sorry you took our lack of gung-ho enthusiasm so personally. Peace.

 

[usntoothfairy]

jmj

My sister in Christ, you say ‘you are at a point where divorce is best’ but have you given your all? Have you looked at the root that is the family that has sprouted from the love? Please reconsider your thinking. God places burdens on us to test our worthiness. We tend to ‘bailout’ when we can no longer deal with the heavy burdens placed on us. Our Lord God said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and find life burdensome, and I will refresh you. Take my yoke upon your shoulders and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart. Your souls will find rest, for my yoke is easy and my burden light.”

Deo Gratias.

 

[dianaballein]

I’m at the point where I truly believe divorce is the best for our family. The question is, how do women afford to leave their husbands. I contacted an attorney and they want $2000 retainer fee and it could possibly run $10,000. Payments are due monthly and incur 6% interest if not paid in full monthly. I only work part-time and not even sure I can find an apartment for me and my children. My family lives 3 hrs away and I really have no friends to rely on. Any suggestions? Our parish is very small and does not even have a resident priest to turn to.

My dear, most family law divisions of the court have mediators or people who will help you file your papers on your own…this will save you the fees for the attorney. When I divorced my 1st husband, I did this and all in all, it cost me about $800 total. The only downside would be if he contests what you ask for…then that will cause further drama. Try to see if family can assist you financially in order to procur a place to live, or consider moving to where your family lives so they can help you with housing and child care. You don’t need to file for a divorce right away. Leaving, separating…so you can begin the process…that should be the first step.

Good luck, and I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

• But we can’t advise in a situation in which we don’t have the facts, or at least the main ones. If there is no valid reason to end the divorce we really have no business helping someone to end their marriage. This is why I say:

Why does she feel that divorce is the only option? What is the problem? +

Because MAYBE she is still enough of a decent human being not to want to air her family laundry in detail on an international web site. Because MAYBE if she is in a delicate situation, she might be found out and subject to MORE abuse.

 

[dianaballein]

Because MAYBE she is still enough of a decent human being not to want to air her family laundry in detail on an international web site. Because MAYBE if she is in a delicate situation, she might be found out and subject to MORE abuse.

AMEN. Let’s all walk a little closer to Christ and not bully the OP.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Ending her marriage is her choice as much as it is my choice to shoot someone; however, it isn’t right, moral, a good choice… Before helping a woman end her marriage we need to know if there’s a valid reason.No we really don’t. I’m sure you wouldn’t support the selling of guns to just anyone who wanted one, true? Apples and oranges, fallacy in your argument.The situation is the same here.No it is not. We all have choices, but they’re not all right, they are not all moral, they are not all justified. That is not for you to decide.

If the OP does not want you to know why she is seeking a divorce, we must, in good conscience, assume with charity that she has exhausted every avenue, else she would not be looking into information on how to afford an attorney. Unless and until she presents us with evidence otherwise, we must assume that she is not airing her family laundry out of respect for herself, her children, and what was once her putative marriage- to be determined by a tribunal AFTER her civil divorce (which is when marriages are examined in the US, not before the divorce), NOT determined by public opinion of laypersons.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

So sacred it will never be broken by a civil court.

God be with you, your children and your husband.

Do you even acknowledge that the Church, through tribunals, has the power to declare a marriage null, and in doing so, waits until after civil divorce to examine the putative marriage? Or do you just argue for argument’s sake?

 

[latinmasslover]

Because MAYBE she is still enough of a decent human being not to want to air her family laundry in detail on an international web site. Because MAYBE if she is in a delicate situation, she might be found out and subject to MORE abuse.

MAYBE the genius idea then would be to not use names. MAYBE she shouldn’t tell her husband that she’s going to put his personal info online. MAYBE names and places and minute details shouldn’t be given online. If you recall, WHY was the question, not WHO.

 

[latinmasslover]

If the OP does not want you to know why she is seeking a divorce, we must, in good conscience, assume with charity that she has exhausted every avenue, else she would not be looking into information on how to afford an attorney. Unless and until she presents us with evidence otherwise, we must assume that she is not airing her family laundry out of respect for herself, her children, and what was once her putative marriage- to be determined by a tribunal AFTER her civil divorce (which is when marriages are examined in the US, not before the divorce), NOT determined by public opinion of laypersons.

Ever hear of being an accessory to another’s sin? There are a few ways of doing this: counsel, consent, praise, silence, defense… Unless you know this woman, *you *really have no business consenting to what could be a very serious sin. Take contraception, for example. Some forms are apparently permitted for **serious **medical reasons, but I’m sure you wouldn’t give the automatic OK if someone where to ask if they *should *because Dr. X suggested it. The “but this person’s a good Catholic and would never do this unless he/she had to” doesn’t cut it, *especially *if you don’t know her… I knew a “good Catholic” who committed adultery several times. I knew “good Catholics” who used NFP because they wanted to afford a two week vacation to Europe next year. I know a “good priest” who says that it was not necessary for Jesus to die on the Cross for our sins. You see my point?

If she decides to go through with a divorce, I truly hope it is her only option. I never asked for a name, number, or address, so “protecting the family” isn’t really an issue. If you want to condemn me and others for backing up the words of Christ and His Church in order to support your “nice” lukewarm idea of what Christianity is, by all means:shrug:

Do you even know his side of the story? You know, men aren’t always the bad guys.

 

[dborer42]

I know much time has passed since the last comment, but I came across this thread today, and as I have been forced into divorce, I think I understand what it’s like.

I must say that like a couple others, I’m dismayed at those who are quick to assist one out of her marriage by giving advice. Those eager to “help” defend their actions/words, because they are willing to give the benefit of the doubt to the OP, saying surely she has examined and exhausted all possible avenues to save the marriage, and if she’s deciding to file for divorce, she is probably right to do so. Well, MAYBE she is right, but maybe she isn’t, and we just don’t know.

When in doubt, what should be the proper response? Advice and encouragement to go through with the divorce? And if your assumptions are wrong, what about the nearly unavoidable harm to the children that divorce is likely to bring about? I would think at the very least, caution should be taken as far as giving advice goes, and gently acknowledge that neither are we qualified, nor in possession of the facts needed to give sound advice, and therefore they might be better off speaking to those who know her and/or the situation enough to give sound, thoughtful advice. While that is not always fail proof, either, it is possibly better than anonymous, albeit well-meaning help from the forum.

Here’s what did concern me. In going back a second time to read what little info the OP did provide about her spouse, I believe all that was really mentioned was that his work required him to travel (while this might add stress to a marriage, a travel requirement for one’s employment is not a valid reason to divorce, and certainly would not invalidate a marriage) and apparently he must have not been very open to counseling/Retrovaille. We don’t know why he wasn’t too willing to attend counseling.

My wife and I went to a counselor with Catholic Charities. I would not recommend this course of action to any Catholic wanting to save his/her marriage. The “Catholic” counselor did very little to uphold Catholic teaching on marriage. Instead, she spoke of hoping to help us heal so that even if the marriage couldn’t be saved, at least we would be healthy to enter into future relationships. THIS IS NOT CATHOLIC TEACHING!

Anyway, to get back to the information the OP provided, from this minimal bit, some wild assertions were made. One person stated that most men wouldn’t give their wife any money unless it was court ordered. I believe that is certainly painting with a very broad brush. It also hints at an assumption that the husband is always/usually at fault. Later, with nothing in the OP’s comments, someone made the outlandish assumption that she may be in a delicate situation that, if found out, might subject her to “MORE abuse.” So, now there is an insinuation that there was PREVIOUS abuse, even though I didn’t see any comments from the OP stating she had suffered any abuse from her husband. Again, maybe she did, maybe she didn’t, but anyone making such assumptions is not offering, in charity, the same “benefit of the doubt,” that they are so willing to extend to the OP.

Finally, in the benefit of the doubt should be given to anyone, or anything, according to Church teaching, the benefit of the doubt, or more properly speaking, the PRESUMPTION, should be given to the marriage being valid. And until proven otherwise, namely, by means of a declaration of nullity, one must not presume otherwise, lest one make offense against charity.

David