Need help forgiving my husband!

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I discovered by chance that my husband had sold my Kindle without asking me. I have to say I wasn’t using it very much and I am not even that bothered about the object itself but it was the fact he did it without asking me. He covered it up by saying he did it because he was buying me an upgrade to a newer style Kindle or iPad. I could care less about the technology. Whenever it is mentioned though I am so furious (i.e. if he is asks me what I want as a replacement).

Why am I so furious and why am I having big problems getting past this? We rarely fight or disagree and make up easily. We are still relating normally but if this topic comes up I just see red! What is wrong with me and why is my reaction so intense?

Answers on a postcard…
 
Well…he sent me an email saying his reason that he sold it was to replace it. As I say, I believe that was purely his story after he was busted. I know he was remorseful, although I feel that he was more scared at my furious reaction when I found out than actually sorry for what he did,
 
Kindness said:
Well…he sent me an email saying his reason that he sold it was to replace it. As I say, I believe that was purely his story after he was busted. I know he was remorseful, although I feel that he was more scared at my furious reaction when I found out than actually sorry for what he did,
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This seems something minor to be furious about. You say you didn’t care much about the object.

I mean, I can see being furious if he sold your Grandmother’s wedding ring or something like that. But, unless this is part of some sinister pattern, it just seems like a stupid mistake.

God Bless
 
I know it seems that way. I agree. I think it is because he has done similar things in the past.
 
Do you suspect his has lied to you, or do you *know *it? Is it possible to choose to believe him without harm to anyone? This is from the Catechism:

**2478 **To avoid rash judgment, everyone should be careful to interpret insofar as possible his neighbor’s thoughts, words, and deeds in a favorable way:

Every good Christian ought to be more ready to give a favorable interpretation to another’s statement than to condemn it. But if he cannot do so, let him ask how the other understands it. and if the latter understands it badly, let the former correct him with love. If that does not suffice, let the Christian try all suitable ways to bring the other to a correct interpretation so that he may be saved. (St. Ignatius of Loyola, Spiritual Exercises, 22)

Forget communicating by e-mail. He’s your husband. Talk to him.
 
Kindness said:
I know it seems that way. I agree. I think it is because he has done similar things in the past.
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That’s a broader issue. Serious things, or minor?

I mean, I could see buying or selling stock worth thousands of dollars w/o asking my wife.

God Bless
 
I do talk to my husband, he usually cannot talk about anything that makes him uncomfortable. That is why he sent an email. It is extremely rare that I ever get mad, especially that mad. I think he was too scared to talk about it directly. He often throws away things belonging to myself or our children if he sees no value in them.

One time I went to get something from his car and I found three boxes of my books which he told me he was taking to the Goodwill - again without asking me. I don’t have a lot of material things nor do I want more but I do like to read. He has many more personal possseions than me and he spends a lot more money on them. I don’t mind, he earned them but he frequently disposes or “organizes” items I own neatly put away in my wardrobe and throws them out, or in this case sells them.

Thank you for the quote from the Catechism. I need to pray, this situation has obviously hit a nerve.
 
Kindness,

it does appear as if their are other issues going on.
  1. does the kindle represent something like pleasure, freedom, etc
  2. why do you think he only said it because he go caught? that’s an huge issue
Also, how does he usually do stuff? Does he sell his own unused stuff? Is he opposed to clutter? To be quite honest not much bugs me more than valuable electronics being unused, especially when their “shelf life” is so short.
 
Kindness said:
I do talk to my husband, he usually cannot talk about anything that makes him uncomfortable. That is why he sent an email. It is extremely rare that I ever get mad, especially that mad. I think he was too scared to talk about it directly. He often throws away things belonging to myself or our children if he sees no value in them.

One time I went to get something from his car and I found three boxes of my books which he told me he was taking to the Goodwill - again without asking me. I don’t have a lot of material things nor do I want more but I do like to read. He has many more personal possseions than me and he spends a lot more money on them. I don’t mind, he earned them but he frequently disposes or “organizes” items I own neatly put away in my wardrobe and throws them out, or in this case sells them.

Thank you for the quote from the Catechism. I need to pray, this situation has obviously hit a nerve.
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I personally can understand your reaction. I suspect I would react much in the same way. It isn’t so much about the object or your attachment to it, as it is more about the lack of communication and the disregard of your feelings. It is truly necessary, as you seem to well know, to forgive him. However, I would open communication about this in a way that is non-threatening. I wouldn’t advise picking a big fight, but maybe say something like “Honey, when you take my things to sell or give away without asking me, that hurts my feelings. In the future, could we talk about it first?” Something simple. I know that with my husband, we can’t have a conversation when either one is upset because he doesn’t fight fair. Also, there are times when I have said something like what I mentioned above, and wasn’t even sure if it registered with him because nothing more was said, but I could tell in future interactions that he had definitely heard me.
 
“One time I went to get something from his car and I found three boxes of my books which he told me he was taking to the Goodwill - again without asking me. I don’t have a lot of material things nor do I want more but I do like to read. He has many more personal possseions than me and he spends a lot more money on them. I don’t mind, he earned them but he frequently disposes or “organizes” items I own neatly put away in my wardrobe and throws them out, or in this case sells them.”

That’s not OK. I make sure to get buy-in even from my kids when decluttering their rooms. (I confess I do throw out worn or unslightly items of clothing without asking the owners.)

I think you need to get your husband to agree to stop disappearing your stuff, because what he’s doing undermines your trust for him. Also, I suggest you schedule regular decluttering sessions with him.
 
Yes, my husband is generally tidier than me! However I am not a hoarder too much stuff makes me feel suffocated. We are generally good at keeping our house in decent order and reasonably clean. I like to go through things regularly and donate or dispose of what we don’t need, in fact when the kids are back to school next week I plan to have a good 2013 clear out and spring clean.

The issue for me is a lack of respect in believing you have the right to decide what to do with other people’s stuff. Sometimes I am sure the cure would be to grab some of my husbands things and “donate” them as I see fit. But I cannot bring myself to do it. In fact I am not even seriously tempted to do it. It’s a boundary I wouldn’t cross. I am sure my husband never does these things out of malice - I see it as a lack of boundaries. He has in fact done things at times that most people would classify as stealing but he genuinely sees no problem with it. I have called him on it and returned them.

I just know he would hit the roof if I took any of his possessions, let alone electronics and sold them at knock down prices.
 
Kindness tit for tat won’t accomplish anything.

I’d suggest 2 things. He goes for some sort of counselling…he isn’t respecting you.
The other would be a place that’s a no-go zone for him. He cannot respect your stuff, so you can, and should, have an area that he cannot touch. He has not proved himself trustworthy.

Sidenote: he should also give you all the money from whatever he sold.
 
Kindness said:
I know it seems that way. I agree. I think it is because he has done similar things in the past.
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Boundary violation. He took something that belonged to YOU for his own use and disposal. What did he do with the money?

This is actually theft and you have a right to be upset. Doesn’t matter that you didn’t use it, he still has no right to take it and sell it.

After reading about the books, I am becoming more alarmed. He does this with the kids’ things too? :eek: He has that little regard for others’ boundaries??? Wow. Shocking.
 
You’re upset because adults do not dispose of the property of others without first asking permission. As Julianne said, this is a major boundary violation, and shows a lack of respect for you and a disregard for your thoughts and feelings on various matters.

I would not engage in retaliation, that would only escalate the situation. However, I would sit him down and tell him that you feel that his behavior is disrespectful. I would be quite firm, but calm and not hostile, while doing this. Of course, he’d feel uncomfortable about such a conversation, if he has any sense of shame whatsoever, because his behavior was just plain wrong! I would also ask him how he would feel if someone were to dispose of, or sell, one of his possessions, and why he does not think that there is a problem with doing so with yours, regardless of how often you used the Kindle. I would listen and notice his reactions and responses during the course of the conversation: In other words, don’t just chew him out: Ask open ended questions, and get his response. Be prepared to do a lot of waiting for a response, because there isn’t any good reason why he should do something like this. You do, however, want to see his thinking behind such an action.

I suspect there may be more issues than just this going on, and would suggest that, while you are asking for the grace to be forgiving, you also ask for the grace of discernment to evaluate your husband’s true attitudes toward you and your marriage. I am sorry that sounds harsh, but issues generally are not isolated ones.
 
Kindness -

My husband has done similar things. The only explanation I’ve been able to come up with is that he doesn’t see me as a person. Because I am a non-person it’s OK to give away or destroy things that belong to me. Fortunately, he hasn’t done this for a few years.

He never “got” it, no matter how upset I would get. The closest thing to an apology I ever got was - after screaming like a fish-wife - “I’m sorry you’re upset.” He honestly doesn’t know why I’m upset when my posessions are given away or destroyed.

I would suggest that one reason why a “little” thing sets you off is because it’s happened too many times and this is the last straw. I know that’s what happens with me.

And in case anyone wonders why I married him or stay married - I haven’t a clue! 🤷
 
Kindness said:
I do talk to my husband, he usually cannot talk about anything that makes him uncomfortable. That is why he sent an email. It is extremely rare that I ever get mad, especially that mad. I think he was too scared to talk about it directly. He often throws away things belonging to myself or our children if he sees no value in them.

One time I went to get something from his car and I found three boxes of my books which he told me he was taking to the Goodwill - again without asking me. I don’t have a lot of material things nor do I want more but I do like to read. He has many more personal possseions than me and he spends a lot more money on them. I don’t mind, he earned them but he frequently disposes or “organizes” items I own neatly put away in my wardrobe and throws them out, or in this case sells them.

Thank you for the quote from the Catechism. I need to pray, this situation has obviously hit a nerve.
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He “often” throws away things that don’t belong to him? Yes, I can imagine that talking about that might make him uncomfortable. He blew it, and he knows it. He’s lucky he doesn’t wind up uncomfortably sleeping in the dog house. In my old circle, when somebody was obviously trying to evade their just desserts by looking pathetic and claiming absolute contrition when they were obviously only sorry that they got caught, we called that “rolling over and showing his soft underbelly”…like a dog who is hoping that a sufficient amount of abject submission will keep him from getting punished. They generally did get a far lesser sentence, but it was considered a weak showing to try to rob someone of their righteous anger by acting so pathetic.

Since you would never throw anything away that belongs to him without saying something to him, and since your kids of course would expect to have to make amends for throwing out something belonging to someone else, you ought to make this rule: Anyone who gets rid of anything that doesn’t belong *entirely and solely *to them will have the job and expense of replacing whatever was wanted with a new replacement chosen by the person who owned the item or items–which, in the case of electronics, will include contents–with some additional “fine” tacked on as a show of good will and contrition.

IOW, don’t get mad. Rather, establish consequences for any future violations, and in the future be kind and yet absolutely firm about enforcing them.
 
Is he the only income-earner in the family? I ask because I was married to someone who believed he actually owned everything we had once I stopped working outside the home in order to raise children. It may be that, deep down, he does not see things that belong to you or your children as being your possessions – he may feel they legitimately belong to him.

Counseling might be a good idea – it sounds as if he needs some help with boundaries, and with respect. I think you may be feeling furious because he is not respecting you as a person and as his partner.
 
AnnArbor said:
Is he the only income-earner in the family? I ask because I was married to someone who believed he actually owned everything we had once I stopped working outside the home in order to raise children. It may be that, deep down, he does not see things that belong to you or your children as being your possessions – he may feel they legitimately belong to him.

Counseling might be a good idea – it sounds as if he needs some help with boundaries, and with respect. I think you may be feeling furious because he is not respecting you as a person and as his partner.
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The OPs husband is not in a hurry to defend what he did except to try to make it out that he was improving his wife’s store of possessions…which he may have been doing, in his clumsy way, even if she does not believe it to be the most likely explanation.

When he coughs up the replacement, it had better be a very big improvement over the old one…and very clear that this kind of “surprise gift” is not so thrilling as he might have hoped.
 
EasterJoy said:
The OPs husband is not in a hurry to defend what he did except to try to make it out that he was improving his wife’s store of possessions…which he may have been doing, in his clumsy way, even if she does not believe it to be the most likely explanation.

When he coughs up the replacement, it had better be a very big improvement over the old one…and very clear that this kind of “surprise gift” is not so thrilling as he might have hoped.
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I think the explanation might have sounded plausible if he did not have a history of disposing of books and other possessions belong to the OP and to the children. I really do wonder if he assumes all material objects in the home are within his control.

Of course, I could be projecting based on my own past ./…😉
 
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