Need Help: Problem of Jealousy + Vocational struggle

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faustina21

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I’ll just get right to the point.
When I was about 10 or 11 years old I was molested by a cousin of mine. I grew up in a household where God was honored on Sundays and we prayed at dinner and that was it. Over time though as I grew up the faith died in my family and my parents became very abusive, verbally, emotionally, and after I graduated high school physically. The extremeness of it wasn’t as bad as some people that I’ve come across. I’ve never had to call the cops nor did I suffer broken bones.
I went to public school growing up and my father procrastinated and raced me through R.E. from 1st to 8th grade as I was homeschooled in it. After high school I went to a private Catholic college and after graduation and more years of healing I have been feeling very drawn to relgious life.
My issue is that I love these great women saints. However lately I have been having so much anger boil up inside me when I read the writings of St. Gertrude. Her was a nun who was sheltered, protected, cared for, she was bright, loving, and sincere and Christ said that no one else that had lived up to that point could compare to her as His Bride. Okay… the same for St. Faustina, St. Therese of Lissieux, St. Gemma, St. Catherine of Siena, these great saints God planned for before the foundation of the world. He protected them from sin, from evils, he carefully lead them on the path to sanctity. I’m not saying they were perfect but at the end of their life they sure as heck were a lot better. It makes me sooo mad because honestly why would anyone go and become a nun when Our Lord has St. Gertrude in His arms. Who can compete with that??? I desire that kind of union with God and yet I look at my life and what a mess it has been, and how deep down I feel so unloved by God, so rejected. Why didn’t He plan for me the way He planned for them?? Why do I have this desire to become like St. Gertrude or St. Faustina or St. Catherine and yet the story of my life so far is something completely opposite?? The same for any woman who wants to become a Bride of Christ… Why would He call so many women throughout history to become His Brides when inevitably He would make some of us jealous of St. Gertrude. Why are some lives carefully planned and others it seems are just an utter disaster?? I REALLY need help in this matter because it’s really been affecting my spiritual life and my perception of my life in general.
:banghead: :bighanky:
 
You don’t need to compete with anyone. You’ve been badly abused by people, specially by those you should have been able to trust most of all. That is grossly unfair, and no wonder you have anger.

But I see that you are growing as a beautiful flower out of a nuclear bomb site. How precious and favoured you are that out of all this destructiveness He is calling you. But He isn’t calling you to be like any other saint. He is calling you to be the unique, beautiful, loved person that you really are and that He has created you to be.
 
Let’s look at Jesus and Mary. Of all people, shouldn’t their lives be privileged?

Mary had her life planned, however, she was asked to be mother of the Saviour. You’d think that would mean that her life would be privileged…not so, when she took baby Jesus to the temple she was warned that a sword would pierce her soul.

When Mary, as a virgin not yet married to Joseph, accepted to be mother of Jesus, she actually put herself in mortal danger. The law of her people required that she should be stoned to death. The only reason this wasn’t her fate was that Joseph took pite, and an angel reassured him. This by no means meant Mary’s life was assured ease. She was in late pregnancy when she and Joseph were forced by decree to travel…to Bethlehem. No only did she have no relatives to help her with the immanent birth of her Child, but there wasn’t a decent place for Him to be born. She and Joseph had to settle for an animal shelter and bed their baby in the animals’ food trough. There wasn’t anything else available.

It wasn’t long, however before the young family had to flee as refugees to escape having Jesus murdered. Joseph had to find work in Egypt, and Mary settle amongst strangers…probably without knowing the language. They had to stay there until travellers brought word that the Jeiwish king, who’d been jealous to hear there was a baby king somewhere in Bethlehem, had finally died. Can you imagine how Mary grieved when she eventually heard that lot’s of other mothers’ babies had been slaughtered in that attempt to kill her boy.

Mary ‘pondered’ in her heart, as she too, had to live on faith. She was distraught when Jesus disappeared for days at age twelve, and gently reproached Him. But He replied that he had been serving His [heavenly] Father’s business, and she was left to ‘ponder these things in her heart’.

Mary wasn’t stupid. When she saw her grown Son gather people about Him and teach things, and challenge things that blind Freddy knew would bring trouble with it. And she heard the whisperings and rumblings that meant danger was awaiting her Son. Can you imagine how awful it was for her to see the danger escalate, and to actually live through the torture and murder of her Son? No cushioned, no protected life for the man who is also God, or for His mother. She stood there trembling as she gazed up at the loved face that was no longer recognizable, and the body that was quivering with pain and gasping for breath as He pushed up on the cruel nails.

The men He had shared His life with for the last few years, teaching, working miracles before their eyes, so loving, so good a man, but they abandoned Him, except for John and the women…and His anguished mother.

If Jesus and Mary had such difficult lives with so few privileges, I guess it’s not so surprising we have troubles…
Love Trishie
 
Saint Therese of Lisieux encourages us in our attempts towards holiness in our vocation to love and serve. Of her own response to the call, she wrote, “This desire could certainly appear daring if one were to consider how weak and imperfect I was, and how after seven years in the religious life, I am still weak and imperfect. I always feel, however, the same bold confidence of becoming a great saint because I do not count on my own merits since I have none, but I trust in God who is Virtue and Holiness. God alone, content with my weak efforts, will raise me to Himself and make me a saint, clothing me in His infinite merits. I didn’t think then that one had to suffer very much to reach sanctity, but God was not long in showing me this was so and in sending me the trials I have already mentioned.” Therese remarked that such holiness may “not be evident to the eyes of mortals.”

We draw hope from this saint of ‘the consecrated ordinary’, whom Pope John Paul 2 declared a Doctor of the Church on October 19, 1997. Many Sisters in her Carmelite community were unaware of the holiness of her ‘ordinary’ deeds of kindness, and doubted that anything worthwhile could appear in her obituary circular. I implore God for ‘everyday’ love and trust such as Therese maintained before temptations of doubt and suffering. Like her, in ordinariness made holy by union with Jesus our God who lived ‘the ordinary life’, we must become shining lights in an era when disbelief, humanism and self-absorption prevail.

We ask God to give us dynamic confidence that holiness is not reserved for a favoured few. As Saint Paul taught, “each soul is God’s favourite” and God desires fulfilment of each person’s call to love God above all and others as self. Every person has a unique vocation and purpose, intended to enrich each other person’s soul for all eternity.
 
I completely understand what you mean…I can’t say that I’ve been very good during my life:(

You are in my prayers:gopray:

-littletherese3
 
Dear Faustina, if you read Isaiah 52, 11-12, and Isaiah 53 verses 1-12, which is about Jesus the suffering servant, I think dear sister that you may see yourself reflected in these rich, wonderful scripture verses.
 
Dear Faustina,

Yes, your life in comparison to the female saints may be complete opposites, but that is because you are not the same as them. Have you read about St Alphonsa? God gives us hardship and disasters because we have the capacity to bear them. And remember, the lives of the saints seem so well ordered because we look at it in retrospect, our lives are in the present.

We are all children of God, do you think that your Heavenly father would favour a recognised saint over you just because she has been canonised? No He would not. Because He loves you for how you bear witness in love to Him, He does not decide to love you because you seem better than St Gertude or St Faustina neither will He not love you because you think you are not as good as them.

You have a desire to be like the saints precisely because that is what saints do, encourage us to emmulate their holiness and you are jealous of St Gertude because you want to possess God all for yourself, but He is not like some human spouse that only one person can have. Remember, God can take in all of what we are, conversely, we cannot take in all of God. There is no need and no point to be jealous.

Like you, I too have felt a call to the seminary. And I have been angry also. Why expose me to sin and temptation if you are going to call me to the priesthood? Why call me when you make me ambitious for secular success, interested in girls; why is my family unenthusiastic about my vocation…

Then i realised, God is calling me. He is watching over me, and he knows what I need.

p.s: I tried praying the rosary every night for a few weeks last year, it really helps clear things up.
 
faustina21 said:
I’ll just get right to the point.
When I was about 10 or 11 years old I was molested by a cousin of mine. I grew up in a household where God was honored on Sundays and we prayed at dinner and that was it. Over time though as I grew up the faith died in my family and my parents became very abusive, verbally, emotionally, and after I graduated high school physically. The extremeness of it wasn’t as bad as some people that I’ve come across. I’ve never had to call the cops nor did I suffer broken bones.
I went to public school growing up and my father procrastinated and raced me through R.E. from 1st to 8th grade as I was homeschooled in it. After high school I went to a private Catholic college and after graduation and more years of healing I have been feeling very drawn to relgious life.
My issue is that I love these great women saints. However lately I have been having so much anger boil up inside me when I read the writings of St. Gertrude. Her was a nun who was sheltered, protected, cared for, she was bright, loving, and sincere and Christ said that no one else that had lived up to that point could compare to her as His Bride. Okay… the same for St. Faustina, St. Therese of Lissieux, St. Gemma, St. Catherine of Siena, these great saints God planned for before the foundation of the world. He protected them from sin, from evils, he carefully lead them on the path to sanctity. I’m not saying they were perfect but at the end of their life they sure as heck were a lot better. It makes me sooo mad because honestly why would anyone go and become a nun when Our Lord has St. Gertrude in His arms. Who can compete with that??? I desire that kind of union with God and yet I look at my life and what a mess it has been, and how deep down I feel so unloved by God, so rejected. Why didn’t He plan for me the way He planned for them?? Why do I have this desire to become like St. Gertrude or St. Faustina or St. Catherine and yet the story of my life so far is something completely opposite?? The same for any woman who wants to become a Bride of Christ… Why would He call so many women throughout history to become His Brides when inevitably He would make some of us jealous of St. Gertrude. Why are some lives carefully planned and others it seems are just an utter disaster?? I REALLY need help in this matter because it’s really been affecting my spiritual life and my perception of my life in general.
:banghead: :bighanky:
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First you need a spiritual director, or perhaps get the counselor first.

You need both–one to help you with the abuse survival, and the other to assure you of God’s plan for you.

As I tell discerners who have been through this kind of trauma (including myself) “God loves you, He made you, and He doesn’t make junk!” We were put on this earth to do a job that only we can do. What we go through–where trauma is concerned–is to help us actually grow closer to God; get healed; then help others.

It’s okay to surround yourself with these “perfect nun-bride saints.” But, perhaps you would be more interested in the the purity martyrs–those who were assaulted then murdered. There are plenty of saints who were abused by parents–St. Germaine of Pibrac was crippled and forced to live in her parents’ barn. On top of that she was beaten. St. Cloud is another patron of abused children. Blessed Herman Contractus is patron of those of us with autism. I’m sure some others could come up with more. Blessed Margaret of Castello pops into my mind at the moment.

Tell St. Gertrude of your jealousy. She’d be more than happy to help you. Anyone who is devoted to her grows spiritually–that’s one of the promises Jesus made to her. The fact that you started praying the rosary is Gertrudian spirituality–she prayed to Jesus through Mary, and to Mary through Jesus.

HTH. And make sure you get into counseling if not already there. Go beat a pillow or kick a football. The anger needs to get out. And please feel free to contact me off-board if you feel you need to. I’ve been there, so I understand.

Blessings,
Cloisters
 
Peace be with you Faustina21,
I read your message and it hurt me hearing what your going through. Please pray about this to the Lord, He understands you even more than you understand yourself. He will always know your heart. When I first read your post the first thing I wanted to do was to tell you how much the Lord loves you and how precious you are to Him. Please know that the Lord does have you in His arms and He’s holding you tight and will never let you go! Let yourself to feel His loving embrace, and always know that being in the Lord’s arms is the safest place where you can be. He will protect you, and He loves you more than you will ever know. There is enough room in His arms for all of us. Please pray to the Lord about the jealousy that you feel. This emotion will not let you feel the special and intimate closeness with Him that He is calling you to. Please also know that the Lord shows no favoritism. He loves us all the same. We are all called to be holy, to become Saints, and to become perfectly united to Him. Give your heart to the Lord and ask Him to overflow your heart with His love. Know that the peace, and happiness that He gives to us can only come from Him. Nothing in this world can give us what He places in our hearts, and nothing in this world can take it away. Pray for healing, He will heal you. Trust in Him. I know He has you in His loving embrace, and I pray to Him that you will feel the amazing love He has for you!

God Bless you, and may you find peace and happiness in the plans that God has for you. Please don’t give up. Keep praying.

Your sister in Christ,
Moriah
 
I can certainly understand why you are suffering and frustrated. I want to comfort you, so much! But since I can’t, I want to point out that there was a reason for all of this to occur in your life. It wasn’t because Jesus thought that you should suffer or that you deserved it, but He believed that you could gain something from it and turn evil into good! If you are being called to religious life, then this call is manifesting itself in your heart, and you must let that healing begin. St. Gertrude is indeed a wonderful saint, but you must believe that not everyone will end up like her. She was as unique as you are. There have been saints that suffered before they attained holiness! I can think of a few already:

St. Francis of Assisi
–His father disowned him when Francis was told by God that he was to be a Brother instead of a Knight, which was his earthly father’s dream. His father was horrified when Francis stripped off his garments and proclaimed he had no father except the Father in heaven!

St. Clare of Assisi
–She had to go through the pain of meeting suitors when she knew that Jesus wanted her to be His alone. Her family desired to marry her off to a wealthy gentleman, but she had to run away in the middle of the night to begin her journey of religious life.

Blessed Mother Mary Teresa of St. Joseph
–She was born into a Lutheran family (her father was a minister), and she was rebelled against when she spoke of her desire to be a Catholic and a Sister. Her father sent her away and she never saw him again. Think how painful it must have been to think that her desire of being a Sister was terrifying to her father! He would not support her. She eventually became the Foundress of the Carmelite Sisters of the Divine Heart of Jesus!

St. Rita of Cascia
–St. Rita was born at Roccaporena near Spoleto, Umbria, Italy. She married at age 12 to Paolo Mancini. Her parents arranged her marriage, despite the fact that she repeatedly begged them to allow her to enter a convent. Mancini was a rich, quick-tempered, immoral man, who made many enemies in the region. St. Rita endured his insults, abuse, and infidelities for 18 years, and bore two sons with Mancini, Giangiacomo Antonio and Paolo Maria. Although she tried to raise them with Catholic values, her sons grew to be like their father. Toward the end of her husband’s life, St. Rita helped convert him to live in a more pious manner. Although Mancini became more congenial, his allies betrayed him, and he was violently stabbed to death. Before his death, he repented to St. Rita and the Church, and she forgave him for his transgressions against her. After Mancini’s murder, her sons wished to exact revenge on their father’s murderers. Knowing murder was wrong, she tried to persuade them from retaliating, but to no avail. She, instead, prayed to God for Him to take away the lives of her sons instead of seeing them commit such a terrible sin. In religious history, God heard St. Rita’s words and her sons died of natural causes a year later. After the deaths of her husband and sons, St. Rita desired to enter the monastery of Saint Mary Magdalene at Cascia but was spurned for being a widow, as virginity was a requirement for entry into the convent. However, she persisted in her cause and was given a condition before the convent could accept her; the difficult task of reconciling her family with her husband’s murderers. She was able to resolve the conflicts between the families at the age of 36, and was allowed to enter the monastery. However, her actual entrance into the monastery has been described as a miracle. During the night, when the doors to the monastery were locked and the sisters were asleep, St. Rita was miraculously transported into the convent by her patron saints Saint John the Baptist, Saint Augustine, and Saint Nicholas of Tolentino. When she was found inside the convent in the morning and the sisters learned of how she entered, they could not turn her away. She remained at the monastery, living by the Augustinian Rule, until her death in 1457. She actually received a thorn in her head after Jesus answered her desire to suffer like Him for Him alone. If she can become a nun, so can you!

Don’t give up! I think the most important thing for you to focus on is your own personal healing. Go to Confession, forgive your parents, and get yourself a spiritual director. I’ll be praying for you! :blessyou:
 
it is not beneficial to compare one’s own spiritual life with that of another, unless it is to benefit by their example. The saints you cite were not protected from all evil and sin nor were the cossetted. They lived lives of sometimes extreme ascetism, and suffered, some of them, immensely at the hands of their families, co-religionists and others. Most also endured great physical ailments and torments, and some intense spiritual torment, temptation and agony we can only imagine from their writings. There is nothing to be jealous of except their sanctity, and that we CAN aspire to and emulate.
 
Thank you all so much for you responses!! My heart right now is full of so much love for all of you and I’m SO grateful to read each of your notes.
I feel like I’m extremely sick and in a hospital bed and I’m reading your get well cards which are healing and stregthening my mind and spirit…
I have experienced at least 7 or 8 people on my path from the age of 16 till present, (I’m in my mid 20’s) who either have been sexually abused or raped or abused physically, emotionally or verbally. My heart bleeds for them too. I think about all of the youth who are involved in human trafficing, all the souls in the pornography industry, looking for love in premarital sex, all of those struggling with homosexuality, and those who have been brutally sexually assaulted, come from dysfunctional homes, who have been beaten, screamed at, spit on, and either been told directly in a million ways or silently that they were worthless. I wish that I could take each one in my arms and rock them back and forth and talk to them about how much they are loved. If I could just fully accept that love that is being offered to me…
Over the years I have come to understand Christ in the Divine Mercy Devotion, Jesus King of All Nations Devotion, Our Lady (who has been tremendous as a consoling Mother in some of my darkest moments by babying me and curing me of insomnia in college after the abuse), and now through Christ’s Most Precious Blood which purifies, heals, and sanctifies. I’ve seen the grip of evil in my life, how basically the devil himself or some rather nasty demons were sent to encamp within my family during the horrendous months of fighting and abuse between my parents and I. I see Christ’s Passion in a more real and vivid way than ever before, and how my story is meant to help other souls. I don’t know how many and that’s probably not the point. Even if it was one I know that I could someday understand and accept that it was worth it to go through that hell.
I’m not trying to stand on a soapbox with all of this stuff and I know that many of you think I’m not but it’s sooo helpful to me as an anymous person on this to voice out these struggles of mine. For me to lay my heart out and not to have it trampled on, to be vulnerable and not be afraid of being so, to allow others to see what goes on deep down inside of me beyond the smile, beyond the wall that I put up for everyone else and saying that “I’m fine,”
I have to say this if you know of someone who has been hurt sexually or abused in another way. Please know that your love, your listening ear, maybe even your awareness (without us ever even telling you), your prayers, and above all giving us respect as a human beings with dignity and preciousness as a children of God is tremendous!! We just want to be good enough, we just want to be like everyone else, we don’t want the world to know our scars, our past. Whether we play the victim role the rest of our lives, or we become cold and distant, or we become cynical and bitter and hard, or we face ourselves and our demons and become survivors… whatever color we are we NEED your love, we crave it and are starving for it and we need to be pointed to God to fill us up and we need you to sometimes just hold our hand as we walk through the storm. We don’t need the spotlight and we don’t need to be overanalyzed and put under a magnifing glass every second. We just want to “BE” and to be free and safe, and loved while doing so.
I don’t know why all of this stuff happened to me. I don’t know why I almost died of a virus at nine months old and lived. I’ve learned about Jer. 29:11, and I’ve learned that “His ways are not our ways”, and I also NOW know that God did not do this to me. Before the fall this obviously would have never happened… Pain, abuse, death are not of God but in a fallen world they exist.
I need all of your prayers for my unrepeatable story to be finished the right way… His way. I want to become a nun and a great saint too (although the title “great” is probably not meant for me) but I do not want my wounds or the wall or coldness in my heart that I feel because of the pain of the past to snuff out or lessen my love for God or souls. That is why I need your prayers and that is why I’m sharing this story.

In regards to counseling. I’ve been through two counselors and I think I should probably start going to a Catholic therapist. I do have a spiritual director and I’m journaling and trying to take responsibility for my emotional health as much as possible. Again thank you all so much! You guys touched my heart.

:nun2: :hug3: ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ :grouphug:
 
What an amazing person you are!

You are so deep and you have so much to offer others. I ask Jesus to help you to give to others in the particular unique way He can. I know that your prayers for others who have endured or are enduring the torture of abuse, will be powerful with God.

Thank you for sharing your story and your thoughts and your vulnerability.

You are full of love, yet I understand how you may need to search again and again to find that yes, you are truly beautiful and truly loved, because the damage done by abusers can mean theat even little setbacks can plunge an abused person into self doubt. I pray that the love of God will embrace and lift you beyong that even so.

With love and prayer, Trishie.
 
You sound like a very brave person. (((((Faustina21)))))

After reading your post, something went through my mind that was much like how you feel…but the opposite 🙂

I once read that Saint Therese of Lisieux was quite upset herself when she pondered the statement that only those who have been forgiven much can love much. This really bothered her. She had never fallen into any mortal sins, she had always had stumbling blocks removed from her path - so very little seemed to have been forgiven her. She felt frustrated that someone would suggest she could love little.

In a way, Therese was looking at someone like you. Your life has been one of many sufferings and tears, whereas hers was not to the degree yours has been. I thought that was kind of interesting, like a reversal of what you were saying perhaps.

I once read that the angels in heaven have a sort of “holy” envy for human beings. Whereas angels love God very much and never sin, unlike us humans who often do not love God and do sin, angels are unable to actually prove their love for God as we humans are able to. I read that they look at us, and see all of our sufferings with a holy envy - they will never have the chance to suffer and thus prove their love of God. I imagine if they could have one moment of earthly suffering, they would be so delighted if just for the chance of proving their love.

Certainly many saints advanced to holiness without sin and struggles, but many advanced with struggles. Have you heard of Josephine Bakhita, recently canonized in 2000? She went through terrible abuse. And I always wonder what went on in Mary Magdalene’s life to lead her to become who she was before her conversion. I imagine it was not good by far.

You mentioned competing with them…I remember in the New Testament, some of Jesus’ disciples were arguing over who would be greater in the kingdom of heaven. Jesus had to remind them that only he was the servant of all and the most humble. I think your feelings of envy, etc. and such could be opportunities in disguise to bring you closer to Christ. Let me explain.

I too have had a rather hard life, and experience some of the same thoughts as you when I think of others who have been abused in many different ways. I know when I look at the saints, I cannot compare. I was not coddled or loved like they were, or protected. But I think that this is a chance for me to gain much good on my part. I can just remind myself how little I do compare to them…how I am truly very weak next to them… and strive to gain humility from such knowledge of my life. I think it is good to think of the pharisee and the poor man praying in the temple in the New Testament. The pharisee was thanking God he was not a sinner - the poor man was begging God to forgive him, a sinner.

So you and I cannot look on our pasts and say that we have an early life comparable to the saints. So we stand in the back of the church and beg God to rescue us and our poor, troubled souls that others have hurt and scarred. When we get envious or angry, we can sigh and lament our state, reminding us of our need for God. In this way, we are using what looks like food for discontent, anger, etc. to work on our behalf and help us gain that treasure of humility 🙂

Tonight, I had the odd thought pop into my mind that I was competing with a particular saint. I rebuked the thought, and should have humbled myself by reminding myself that things like that just show me how weak I am and in need of God. But I guess my experience shows that inside human nature is that competitive spirit which can even reveal itself in the spiritual life, and it shows me how weak I am and how much I need God. So maybe try what I do - use those feelings of envy and anger, etc. - that way their presence will end up gaining you good 🙂

Try reading this book: “The Complete Spiritual Doctrine of Saint Therese of Lisieux.” I find it helps me ever so much with things like this. Even though she did not suffer as you or I or many others did, Therese was able to take all the negatives that she found in herself or her life and turn them towards gaining her the pearl of even greater humility. I have applied this to negative feelings, emotions, etc. in my life and it has helped me.

I hope that makes sense!

P.S. If you have the desire to become a great saint, then I would think that is what God wants to make you. He may be just using all of these things in your life, and all of your current reactions to the saints, to give you opportunities to suffer and gain much good as described above - to become a great saint!
 
In reply to the post above it’s funny how you bring up St. Therese of Lissieux because she is my patron saint!! lo! What a wonderful family she had. I can’t say that my family is completely dysfunctional because I had a good relationship with my father when I was a little girl. It was when I got into the late teenage years when the abuse really started trying to break out of me. I morphed into this beast that was full of rage and spewed hatred, disrespect, and swear words everywhere.
I can trace emotional abuse and abandonment issues throughout my childhood especially with my Mom who had a rough childhood, and some of the verbal stuff happened throughout my teenage years. The full force of the abuse within my family among my parents and I happened only AFTER I told my Father and then my Mother about being molested by my cousin. Whoever was suggesting a punching bag yes… I totally agree. I cannot even fault my parents entirely though because one they’re human and weak, and two they didn’t have the slightest clue what to do to help heal me or what the afterschock of the molestation was (the anger and rage within). All they suggested was counseling. It’s been about 8 years since I told them about the abuse and now this Christmas finally, on our wall stands a picture of the Sacred Heart and Immaculate Heart, and a picture of Divine Mercy. I’m soooo tired of fighting so I surrender to Him my family and day in and day out the graces from those two pictures, from God work on our family.
On my ride home from work tonight I could feel the presense of grace in the car. I know some of you are praying for me out there. I can feel your prayers. I was thinking about all of the times in prayer where I was bawling and screaming at Christ standing in front of me. I would hit Him and cry “Why?? Why did you let this happen?” I kept crying and crying and would then fall into a crumpled ball on the ground. I knew in my soul that the Christ I was picturing within me had tears in His eyes and silently would pick me up in His Arms and hold me as I cried, whispering to me “I do love you.”
I think part of this vocational journey towards answering the call of the Master has been to face the hatred and grudge I’ve held against God for soo long. I never ever wanted to admit that it was there and it has been WAY deep down inside in the unknown corners of the soul. Tonight on the ride home I thought about myself walking in a field at night and up ahead of me was the devil taunting me with his disgusting phrase (that he’s said more than once), “You are a most unloved woman.” Then looking behind me and seeing my past as chapters in a book and then looking to my left and seeing Christ, knowing in my heart, Christ did not do this to me, He is innocent, He went through the Passion for me, He died for me, He shed His Blood so that His Blood could then pour forth and cover me, completely fill me, and seep into the cracks in my heart and soul and restore me. Thinking about all of this without any words I know that I love Him…
I know that I want only Him as my Spouse forever. No mortal man could ever satisfy this heart of mine not like He can. I know there are VERY good men out there and the world needs them like it needs the rain to make plants grow and nuture other good men. I would be proud to be a spiritual mother for them and for men to become good men. I know that somehow Christ and I can find a way to make this life work because I CAN trust Him. I don’t want to be a lone ranger for the rest of my life and I WILL NOT let my parents, sisters, bosses, cousin, enemies, or evil men in my life destroy my chances of happiness and love in my future. Today I thought I can still become beautiful for Him…
 
After reading just a few posts in this thread, I just wanted to post the following quote from The Cloud of Unknowing. It was extremely helpful the first time I read it, and I still find it beautiful to this day.

“It is not what you are nor what you have been that God sees with his all-merciful eyes, but who you desire to be.”

God bless! :highprayer:
 
After reading your reply (and during it) I thought how brave you are to face all these things about your hidden feelings towards God. It is hard to face things, but you did that and I think it is wonderful.

Also, I thought to myself that you are very strong because you are making up your mind to not let anyone or anything stand in the way of the things you dream of. So many people would just crumple, but you are fighting on like a strong, brave knight. :knight2: :knight1: That is so wonderful and encouraging to see!! I really related to that myself. You seem to have a strong will to fight 🙂

I was touched by some of the things that you said, like about how you thought of Christ loving you and telling you that you are loved and how you want to be beautiful for Him. I think these are all such wonderful desires. I do not know a lot, but God is working in your life. I really related to your desire to be beautiful within for Him, and the idea of hearing a taunting voice saying you are not loved even though that is a HUGE **lie.****. I think a lot of us get that thought too, but the way you put it was really interesting.

Thank you for posting everything you wrote. Grace is working in your life :)👍 :blessyou: (((Faustina21)))
 
I am so inspired by this post, and I can relate so much to the struggles of past issues when entering and discerning religious life.

I could say so many things right now, but one quote that a Carmelite Sister shared with me can suffice:

“We always find that those who walked closest to Christ were those who had to bear the greatest trials”. -St. Teresa of Avila

Prayers for you! I understand your difficulty all too well, got beyond the struggles and healed through therapy and mostly Jesus Christ in the Eucharist. I am now entering a Carmelite religious order this fall after passing the psychological testing that I thought I would never get through due to the past difficulties! God is so good! He can bring you healing and bring you close to Him as a religious sister if that is His will for you. Remember, He can do anything, heal anything. Cooperate with His grace, His timing, and His will for you. 👍

Please message me if you need anything! I understand.

You are loved beyond all telling!
 
((Faustina21)) dear sister, I think you have a beautiful soul despite all the horrible things that you went through. I’m sure that when Jesus looks at you (and He is always looking at each of us! 🙂 we don’t have to compete for His love) He’s touched by the desire you have to be with Him. This is what He Himself longs for from souls. I know sometimes it’s daunting reading about the great Saints… I have a very sinful past and for most of my life I’ve felt lonely and bullied and rejected, and when I get thoughts of maybe being a nun and living for God, I feel so unworthy… especially compared to people like St Gemma or St Gertrude or St Therese… who all had such pure hearts. My heart is full of darkness it seems. But… I think if despite this, we still trust in God, and we still want to be with Him, I believe He values that SOO much.

Every Saint had to suffer in some way. They are all very different. Some were martyrs. Some died of terrible illnesses. Some were abandoned by their family. (Blessed Margaret?). Some were great sinners before (St Mary Magdalene?)
we each have a cross to carry, some heavier than others. But Jesus said, the cross is the surest way to Heaven, and suffering is how we know He is with us. It is not a punishment.
God can use anything to bring us to holiness. Being a Saint is not defined by what type of past we had… it’s defined by a willingness to follow God’s will, and loving Him. That is all. He accomplishes the rest. In Christ we are free…He is not bound by our sins or our feelings of unworthiness or anything else.

St Therese said, people are like flowers… some are like roses or lilies, others are like little field flowers… btw, she called herself “the little flower” 🙂 she did not think of herself as a great soul, she said she felt insignificant like a grain of sand when she compared herself to the Saints. Now she’s a Doctor of the Church. (“whoever humbles himself will be exalted”) Well she said that each of these flowers is necessary in God’s garden and that each glorifies Him in a different way, but fully. You don’t have to be like St Gertrude to achieve union with God! He loves you for YOU, and it’s His desire to be united with you… all that matters is that we surrender to His holy will and let Him heal us, and sanctify us in whatever way He wants. There is no person, however wretched, that God can’t turn into a Saint. He only wants them to be open to His grace.

You don’t need to have had a perfect past to be a Bride of Christ. All you really need is the desire. And He will do the rest. If you have such a desire, that means He gave it to you. That means it is possible. Just don’t despair and trust in Him. God knows your heart, He does not look at the externals…He won’t push you away from Him for ANY reason, after He died for you!! Consider this… Jesus gives us Himself in the Eucharist. Whenever you receive Communion, Jesus is there to embrace you, just like He embraced St Gertrude. The only difference is that you can’t see Him, but you will, someday. And think about this: “Blessed are those who have not seen yet believed”!

One final thing… it says in the Bible, God uses the weak to shame the strong. And remember the beatitudes. I think that in Heaven, there will be people whose glory was completely hidden on earth, who went through hardships and spent their lives doing unnoticed things for God…who never had visions or amazing spiritual experiences…but there, they’ll be among the first. Many of the Saints are in this category. When we read about their lives, sometimes we do tend to forget that it was all rather different in experience…sure St Gertrude knew the Lord so intimately yet she also suffered a lot too, and none of these nuns were anything much in the world… they gave up the world, they gave up themselves. That’s what makes a Saint. If you don’t feel that your own spiritual journey is very ‘glorious’, that is not an obstacle to anything; this can even work in your favor. And remember, God is bigger than anything, He’s bigger than your past or anything that happened, none of this can or will lessen His love for you. He loves each person FULLY, with ALL His Heart. It’s not like most of His love is given to ppl like St Gertrude.

God bless you
 
Thank you for sharing that Monica4316. Your post was beautiful and something that I as well needed to read. 🙂 😃 😛 😃 🙂 👍
 
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