Need Help Resolving Rehearsal Dinner Conflict

[siena_avila]

Hello! My fiancé and I are happily engaged to be married this summer. But we’ve just run into the first big wedge between our two families. His parents are generously hosting the rehearsal dinner for our large bridal party and their dates. They also would prefer we do the gifts at (soon-to-be) our condo after the dinner.

However, my parents are not really budging from their desire to host some of my relatives that same night, at the same restaurant. Originally, their request was that it be at the same time! (My parents paying for our relatives, but splitting time between the groups). Now I’m painfully trying to negotiate maybe a time after the dinner. They very much liked what they did for my sister ten years ago, which was to host nearly all the out-of-town guests at a very casual rehearsal dinner (with my brother-in-law having no parents, they got to do everything their way). They feel that because [a] these relatives are coming at great expense (and some are ill and this may be the last time I see them) ** my immediate family is doing expensive traveling for the wedding (most of DF’s family is local), that my DF’s parents should cede some time from the rehearsal so they can host my relatives.

Of course, my DF’s parents would be very hurt that my parents don’t want to spend much time with the bridal party or that the dinner and presents shouldn’t take more than an hour (!) or two. I am on my DF’s and his parents’ side that we can’t shortchange them, but I also get why my parents want to treat our family.

How am I supposed to tell my parents they can’t dictate the terms of the rehearsal dinner? Or how can I reasonably ask my DF’s parents to compromise on the timing and location?
DF is amenable to the latter option. Or should I just give the parents each others’ numbers and let them hash it out? And anyway I look at it, I feel I will be on the end of some negative emotional fallout for asking either set of parents to give in.**

 

[Xantippe]

What is this thing with presents that you guys are doing?

If it’s not a cultural must-do thing in your ethnic group, I would cut that out. A wedding rehearsal dinner is not a 5-year-old’s birthday party, and opening presents is not an integral part of the festivities.

Have a look at the standard etiquette on managing wedding gifts.

Best wishes!

 

[Brianmcg321]

The rehearsal dinner has traditionally been the groom’s parents deal. Not sure why your parents are wanting to horn on the rehearsal dinner when they have to pay for the wedding too.

Why are they not able to socialize with each other at the regular rehearsal dinner?

 

[SuscipeMeDomine]

I’m not the world’s expert on weddings, however…

When I’ve been an out-of-town guest at a wedding I’ve been invited to the rehearsal dinner whether I was in the wedding party, or not.

Would your future in-laws consider expanding the guest list so that your out-of-town relatives could attend as well? If your in-laws-to-be can’t afford it or would rather not pay for extra people, perhaps your parents could pay for them.

Honestly, I can’t imagine your parents being the guests at one party (the rehearsal dinner) and the hosts at another party at the same time. I think they need to back off.

If they want to host a party for their family members, maybe they could do it a day earlier. Or maybe they’d like to host a breakfast the morning after the wedding.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m not the world’s expert on weddings, however…

When I’ve been an out-of-town guest at a wedding I’ve been invited to the rehearsal dinner whether I was in the wedding party, or not.

Would your future in-laws consider expanding the guest list so that your out-of-town relatives could attend as well? If your in-laws-to-be can’t afford it or would rather not pay for extra people, perhaps your parents could pay for them.

Honestly, I can’t imagine your parents being the guests at one party (the rehearsal dinner) and the hosts at another party at the same time. I think they need to back off.

If they want to host a party for their family members, maybe they could do it a day earlier. Or maybe they’d like to host a breakfast the morning after the wedding.

Good points!

 

[siena_avila]

Thanks so much for the replies so far. Some of what you’re saying has been said by both DF and myself. To answer some questions:

• Xantippe, it has become a wedding custom (dating back at least 10 years since my sister married and all the ones I’ve attended in between), for the bride and groom to give thank-you gifts to the wedding party and their parents, as a small token of appreciation for their support during the engagement and all they had to take on to stand up for the couple. I love this tradition, and we were planning on having them back at our future home to present the gifts. My parents would rather the gifts be done at the restaurant for efficiency’s sake, but I agree it’s not appropriate.
• There is actually etiquette that leaves a rehearsal guest list up to the hosts. Yes, out-of-town guests can be invited; it’s a very nice thing to do. My parents believe in that. HIs parents have always seen RDs as just the bridal party, their dates, and the parents. Also, when you have from both sides at least 30 people, if not more, traveling, even a BBQ or sandwiches at the hotel conference room can be cost prohibitive. Which for my in-laws, it is. And we cannot invite one family’s special guests and not the other’s. Plus, a RD that size is basically Reception Part 1.
• I do believe my in-laws should get to keep their preferences about a smaller, more intimate event. My whole question is how do my DF and communicate to all this to my parents, or at least proposing a compromise to his with a second, later event hosted by parents, all the while minimizing potential damage to our relationships with the parents?

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I would just tell them that the rehearsal dinner is the groom’s family’s thing and that it wouldn’t be proper to do anything differently.

 

[agnes_therese]

I would just tell them that the rehearsal dinner is the groom’s family’s thing and that it wouldn’t be proper to do anything differently.

This. I just don’t understand what the bride’s parents are thinking.

 

[Xantippe]

This. I just don’t understand what the bride’s parents are thinking.

Yeah.

 

[underacloud]

Why do these things have to be done all on the one night?

If the gift giving is just bridal party and parents, can’t this be accommodated another time? Maybe meet before the rehearsal dinner, exchange the gifts, then proceed together to the dinner.

If both sets of parents want things a particular way, perhaps you should split this into two separate events, on separate nights. It is not crucial that the different families get together beforehand, and is arguably best avoided if it will cause the sorts of tensions that seem to be arising.

 

[siena_avila]

So far, they are not taking an absolute “no” for an answer. DF are very appreciative of how generous they’re being with the wedding day costs itself (my guess is that’s their rationale for thinking they get a say in the RD, too). I guess I’m just bummed that this issue may strain my relationship with my parents (and how stupid that it would!), or am likely risking either my FILs being really upset that my parents cut out of the RD early to hang with the relatives or my parents really upset with me that they’re “stuck” at the RD.

ETA: The suggestion to host events on two separate nights is a good one. However, my parents seem insistent on treating a select group of relatives (no more than 20) to both a welcome dinner if they come two days early, AND a dinner the day before the wedding. Breakfast is free at the hotel. Basically, my folks feel it their duty to treat these relatives as much as possible, given the effort they’re making to come to support me. And I get that. But I don’t think the FILs are willing to compromise on shortening the length of the RD to accommodate my parents’ wishes. GAH!

 

[Xantippe]

So far, they are not taking an absolute “no” for an answer. DF are very appreciative of how generous they’re being with the wedding day costs itself (my guess is that’s their rationale for thinking they get a say in the RD, too).

**That’s the whole point of the RD–giving the groom’s family (who are often junior partners and kind of an afterthought in a traditional wedding) the opportunity to do their thing and play host on a smaller scale.

Can you ask your parents to drop it as a favor to you? Maybe like this, “Mom and dad, I know this is important to you, but I’m marrying into this family and these people are going to be my in-laws for what may be decades. I want to get off on the right foot with them, and that means giving them a night to shine and play host. Could you do this for me? It means a lot to me. You have the reception–they only have the rehearsal dinner.” **

I guess I’m just bummed that this issue may strain my relationship with my parents (and how stupid that it would!), or am likely risking either my FILs being really upset that my parents cut out of the RD early to hang with the relatives or my parents really upset with me that they’re “stuck” at the RD.

ETA: The suggestion to host events on two separate nights is a good one. However, my parents seem insistent on treating a select group of relatives (no more than 20) to both a welcome dinner if they come two days early, AND a dinner the day before the wedding.

**Don’t tell them this, but your parents are nuts.

Related:

dearwendy.com/topic/has-anyone-ever-dealt-with-a-dadzilla/**

Breakfast is free at the hotel. Basically, my folks feel it their duty to treat these relatives as much as possible, given the effort they’re making to come to support me. And I get that. But I don’t think the FILs are willing to compromise on shortening the length of the RD to accommodate my parents’ wishes. GAH!

 

[pianistclare]

The rehearsal dinner is for the wedding party. That’s it. Wedding party and parents. (granny & gramps)
People who want to socialize can do so another time, like brunch, or a luncheon the day after. Or hey…here’s a thought…AT THE WEDDING.
Small tokens of thanks for the wedding party should not develop into some huge deal. The bride gives the women all the same thing, and the groom gives the men the same thing. Everybody opens them at the same time “oo that’s pretty” “oo that’s cool”, and done.
Parents should understand that the rehearsal dinner is traditionally the groom’s family thing, if that’s not possible by both sets of parents sharing the cost equally, and if that’s no possible, then by the bride and groom if well established, covering it themselves.
It sounds like WAY too many people are involved.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

The rehearsal dinner is for the wedding party. That’s it. Wedding party and parents. (granny & gramps)
People who want to socialize can do so another time, like brunch, or a luncheon the day after.
Small tokens of thanks for the wedding party should not develop into some huge deal. The bride gives the women all the same thing, and the groom gives the men the same thing. Everybody opens them at the same time “oo that’s pretty” “oo that’s cool”, and done.
Parents should understand that the rehearsal dinner is traditionally the groom’s family thing, if that’s not possible by both sets of parents sharing the cost equally, and if that’s no possible, then by the bride and groom if well established, covering it themselves.
It sounds like WAY too many people are involved.

:yup: pretty much how all of this goes.

I did hand out gifts at the rehearsal dinner. It wasn’t a big deal it was between the main course and dessert. No biggie and no one had to travel elsewhere to receive a gift. The next day was going to be a long day for all of us.

 

[pianistclare]

My last edit didn’t take.
The place for all these family member to socialize is AT THE WEDDING.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

The rehearsal dinner is for the wedding party. That’s it. Wedding party and parents. (granny & gramps)

Is that really official? I had always thought that it would also include out of town guests, assuming not all guests are out of town guests. When I got married, around 50 of our 200 total guests were invited to the Rehearsal dinner. These included my dh’s and my immediate family, our parents’ immediate families, a couple of dh’s and my cousins, and the non-relative bridal party. My parents probably couldn’t have imagined NOT inviting these out of town relatives (they would have felt it was rude to invite them up and expect them to pay for a hotel, but then to ignore them that night), but it was never an issue, because I can’t imagine dh’s parents not welcoming them. That said, dh’s parents would have also thought it just as unthinkable to provide a large restaurant meal for all of those people. They are extremely frugal, and would never go out to a typical rehearsal dinner type restaurant on their own, let alone throw a party for 50 people at one. They never had this conversation with us - dh just knew what they were comfortable with and respected that. So he arranged to have the rehearsal dinner in the basement of my parents’ church (for free), and they just paid for some basic catering and a karaoke machine rental. Dh took care of all the decorations. We were told by many people that this was the most fun rehearsal dinner they’d been to, and that they enjoyed it more than the wedding. Huge success for not much money, and it made everyone happy.

Point being - while yes, it is definitely the groom’s parents gig, it is hospitable of the groom’s parents, who are admittedly taking on a MUCH smaller burden, to be thoughtful of the bride’s family as well. If there is a way to include the other relatives - either by having a less expensive venue, or by having the bride’s parents, it certainly wouldn’t be a new idea. OTOH, the bride’s parents have to also accept the fact that they can’t call all the shots. So how do you tell them this? You just tell them! You can be diplomatic and blame it on wanting to get off on the right foot with the in-laws, or you can be more blunt and just say it like it is - sorry Mom and Dad, but this is not your call to make, and you really need to be respectful of DF’s parents here. And how do you broach the idea of compromise with the future in-laws? You let your fiance do it. Let him tell them that he wants to get off on the right foot with HIS future in-laws, and that he would have a much better time with a less upscale dinner, if it didn’t come with the stress of worrying who was offended by not being included etc… Personally, I’m a fan of blunt honesty, but each of you should represent the couple to your own parents here.

Re: the gifts - of all of the Rehearsal dinners I’ve been to, the bride and groom have ALWAYS given their gifts to the bridal party at the dinner. It was always an informal presentation, but done at that event. It is understood that the bridal party will be given gifts, so non-bridal party attendees of the rehearsal dinners should not be bothered by this.

 

[HouseArrest]

There are different opinions about who should be invited to the rehearsal dinner, but in the end, it is the decision of the hosts to do the inviting. I have very rarely been invited to a rehearsal dinner when I was not an attendant.

Can your parents make up gift baskets for each out of town guest? They can be waiting at the front desk for them. I know it is not the same thing as a dinner, but it at least says, “Welcome, we are glad you are here.”

 

[underacloud]

Is that really official?

No matters of wedding etiquette are “official” as such. These matters can be chopped and changed to suit the needs and wants of the couple - and the parents if needed - best to keep them on side - especially if they’re paying.

My wife and I didn’t have a rehearsal dinner - it’s not really a common custom here in Australia. I can’t recall being invited to one either, but have been in several bridal parties. Bucks parties, hens parties, and kitchen teas are more common customs.

 

[1ke]

So this is where you put your foot down with your parents and tell them how it is going to be.

You can be cordial, but you must be direct and firm.

If you are not direct and firm NOW you will be back here asking how to deal with your parents taking over holiday traditions, your children’s events, interference with parenting, etc.

Your parents seem to have some strange ideas and be under the impression they are in charge. You need to get in control of your life now.

Your posts indicate you are trying to come up with a compromise. Stop. Decide what YOU want and go with that.

Your parents can get on board or make fools of themselves. Their choice. If they move forward with any sort of competing event, you should ignore it and carry on with your rehearsal dinner plans.

 

[retire_early]

You know? Doing a wedding and all the events and entertaining is pretty fun, but stressful at the same time, just like travel. I know when I travel, I always plan “down time” to just rest at the hotel or do some reading, so I have enough energy to do all the sight-seeing.

With your wedding activities, you might want to think about containing the “partying” so you don’t wear yourself out.

I vote for keeping the Rehearsal Dinner to those who will be in the Wedding Party. Gifts to be given at this Dinner, not at a separate place or time. Mom and Dad need to come to the Rehearsal Dinner and NOT entertain out-of-town guests that evening. The guests will understand and will have patience because:

Mom and Dad can host a Gathering of The Out-of-Towners the following night. Cocktails and dinner at the hotel? Or, some favorite restaurant. The only one from Fiance’s side that needs to attend that one is the Fiance, himself, so everyone can get a look at him.

So, basically, two pre-wedding dinners. But, cleaner and clear-cut. And not so tiring.

Have fun!