Need Help Resolving Rehearsal Dinner Conflict

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1ke said:
So this is where you put your foot down with your parents and tell them how it is going to be.

You can be cordial, but you must be direct and firm.

If you are not direct and firm NOW you will be back here asking how to deal with your parents taking over holiday traditions, your children’s events, interference with parenting, etc.

Your parents seem to have some strange ideas and be under the impression they are in charge. You need to get in control of your life now.

Your posts indicate you are trying to come up with a compromise. Stop. Decide what YOU want and go with that.

Your parents can get on board or make fools of themselves. Their choice. If they move forward with any sort of competing event, you should ignore it and carry on with your rehearsal dinner plans.
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Yes, all of this. Tell your parents how it is, and then do it. They can go along or not. It’s not their place to take over the rehearsal dinner. You don’t need to “compromise”. If something this ridiculous strains your relationship with your parents, there is something wrong.

And why would it take 1-2 hours to open gifts? I think it took me maybe all of 5 minutes to give the gifts, at the restaurant. I have never heard of going to another location to give the bridal party their gifts. In fact I think it would be annoying and a waste of time, at a point when everyone is stressed and tired.
 
sorry…didn’t see 1Ke’s post.

I agree with her.

DO NOT let anyone walk all over you…you will be setting yourself up for failure later on.

Seriously…it’s your wedding and not theirs.

We had the same issues creep up in my family on my in-law’s side.

I said NO!!! My husband said NO!!! I didn’t regret anything I said…and I didn’t change my mind.
The guest list my MIL sent to us was too long…I asked my husband who, of those people he knew personally, he told me and we cut everyone else.
We got a nasty phone call from MIL complaining that my mom was inviting her friends and why couldn’t she invite hers.
I said…two reasons:
A) My mom’s friends were people I had personally known since I was a baby and my husband wouldn’t know her friends at all…as he had never met them.
B) My family’s list was really short anyway…hers was ridiculous in length even with family.

If you don’t like it…too bad, my wedding and my decision. Phone call ended.

If someone didn’t like the menu choice…I said too bad.
If someone threatened anything…I said…fine, then don’t come.

It all worked out, everyone was happy and had fun and no feuds were born and we all lived happily ever after…😉
 
1ke said:
So this is where you put your foot down with your parents and tell them how it is going to be.

You can be cordial, but you must be direct and firm.

If you are not direct and firm NOW you will be back here asking how to deal with your parents taking over holiday traditions, your children’s events, interference with parenting, etc.

Your parents seem to have some strange ideas and be under the impression they are in charge. You need to get in control of your life now.

Your posts indicate you are trying to come up with a compromise. Stop. Decide what YOU want and go with that.

Your parents can get on board or make fools of themselves. Their choice. If they move forward with any sort of competing event, you should ignore it and carry on with your rehearsal dinner plans.
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I was going to make a comment, but 1ke said everything I would have…and probably a lot better than I would have worded it. Your future in-laws are planning something nice that they feel comfortable with and can afford. They are going to be very offended and hurt if you attempt to “compromise” over their plans for the rehearsal dinner. Your parents are being unreasonable.
 
I’m really sympathetic to both sides here. If the couple is doing this the traditional way, then yes, the groom’s parents get to plan and host the rehearsal dinner. But if the bride is from a family where out of town guests are always invited to the rehearsal dinner, then I can understand her and/or her parents’ embarrassment over what could be perceived as snubbing the out of town guests. I have honestly never heard of a rehearsal dinner where out of town guests weren’t invited. My thought upon reading this was that the couple is in for trouble from BOTH sides of their family. Her parents are controlling, meddlesome, and pushy; and his seem unwilling to consider the feelings and customs of the other family involved in this wedding.

Why not get both sets of parents together over lunch and explain to them that you and your fiance are really excited to celebrate your marriage and the joining of your families. However, there are some differences in custom and etiquette that you are afraid could cause hurt feelings and resentment and you don’t want that to cloud the day. Explain to your fiance’s parents that you have a lot of family coming in from out of town, some of them have serious health problems, and that among your friends and family it would be considered rude to not host out-of-towners at the rehearsal dinner. Then explain to your parents that your in-laws have gone through a lot of time and expense to try to plan a nice dinner for you, and that they need to back off. Tell them that they are not the ones making decisions and that they don’t get to throw a fit or apply pressure. And then explain to both sets of parents that you that you really want to resolve this without hurting anyone’s feelings or stepping on anyone’s toes. ’

Maybe the dinner could be planned for the night before the travelers arrive? Maybe the rehearsal dinner could be small and private, but everyone could meet at the condo afterwards for socializing, wine, cocktails, and wedding games? Maybe the out of town guests can come, but your parents pick up the tab for adding them? Maybe the rehearsal is private and followed by a small cocktail and hors d’oeuvres social hour, and then everyone gathers for dinner with the out of town guests? Can the bride’s parents duck out of the rehearsal dinner an hour or two early to meet at a late-night restaurant for drinks and bar food with the out of towners? The bride and groom could even head over later after the festivities to say a quick ‘hello’. The possibilities really are endless.

Normally, I would completely agree with 1ke’s advice of putting your foot down now. But this really isn’t just about the bride and her parents. It’s also about the relationship between the two families, the couple’s future relationship with her extended family, her extended family’s view of the groom, etc. It’s a wedding, it’s about two families coming together. The bride’s family should understand that this is the groom’s family’s thing, but the groom’s family should be sensitive to the bride’s family too. I just don’t see this as something worth fighting about. Weddings are supposed to be happy.
 
Totally understand your dilemma. In my case, it was who received the Eucharist at our Nuptial Mass. My Dad (at the time) was an Episcopalian priest and therefore would be wearing his clerics at our wedding. It would have been obvious for him to receive, even though my parents truly believe in the Real Presence of Jesus in the Eucharist. My parents wanted me to either limit reception of the Eucharist to the wedding party, or not have Mass at our wedding. I couldn’t do either - it was like asking me to choose who was more important to me, Jesus or my parents. As much as I love my parents, I love Jesus more. They were deeply hurt, but there was nothing to be done but ask their forgiveness. They did eventually and we are none the worse.
It is ultimately your wedding and your decision (and your fiancé’s).
 
siena_avila said:
So far, they are not taking an absolute “no” for an answer. DF are very appreciative of how generous they’re being with the wedding day costs itself (my guess is that’s their rationale for thinking they get a say in the RD, too). I guess I’m just bummed that this issue may strain my relationship with my parents (and how stupid that it would!), or am likely risking either my FILs being really upset that my parents cut out of the RD early to hang with the relatives or my parents really upset with me that they’re “stuck” at the RD. 😦

ETA: The suggestion to host events on two separate nights is a good one. However, my parents seem insistent on treating a select group of relatives (no more than 20) to both a welcome dinner if they come two days early, AND a dinner the day before the wedding. Breakfast is free at the hotel. Basically, my folks feel it their duty to treat these relatives as much as possible, given the effort they’re making to come to support me. And I get that. But I don’t think the FILs are willing to compromise on shortening the length of the RD to accommodate my parents’ wishes. GAH!
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Don’t big weddings bring out the best in people? 😉

You’re an adult. If you’re old enough to be married, you are old enough to - respectfully but firmly - tell your parents that you appreciate everything they are doing with regard to paying for the wedding, but the rehearsal dinner is the groom’s parents’ night (if they are willing and able to host it, and they evidently are.)

It does seem to have become more common to invite to the rehearsal dinner everyone coming in from out of town, but it is a fairly new invention. The rehearsal dinner has been, traditionally, for the couple, parents, wedding party, clergyman, and spouses/significant others. If this is what your fiance’s parents choose to do and can afford, they are well within their rights. If your parents wish others included, they could ask your future in-laws if they would allow them to pay for the extra guests. You are right, however, in stating that it would be odd for their special friends/out of town guests/relatives to attend, but not the fiance’s family’s.

The giving of gifts to the bridal party generally isn’t a big deal or a separate event in itself. These gifts (usually a piece of jewelry, cufflinks, etc.) are usually just given during the rehearsal dinner.

Why do folks have to make things so hard??? (And I could tell you a wedding rehearsal dinner story that absolutely takes the cake. I’m just grateful that, wedding-wise, we’ve been there, done that twice (2 daughters) and don’t ever have to do it again.)
 
pianistclare said:
The rehearsal dinner is for the wedding party. That’s it. Wedding party and parents. (granny & gramps)
People who want to socialize can do so another time, like brunch, or a luncheon the day after. Or hey…here’s a thought…AT THE WEDDING.
Small tokens of thanks for the wedding party should not develop into some huge deal. The bride gives the women all the same thing, and the groom gives the men the same thing. Everybody opens them at the same time “oo that’s pretty” “oo that’s cool”, and done.
Parents should understand that the rehearsal dinner is traditionally the groom’s family thing, if that’s not possible by both sets of parents sharing the cost equally, and if that’s no possible, then by the bride and groom if well established, covering it themselves.
It sounds like WAY too many people are involved.
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I agree with all of this.

BTW, OP–welcome to marriage! When you get married, you don’t just get a spouse–you get a new family, too. I admire your efforts to keep the peace.

My suggestion for you is to stick with U.S. tradition, in fact, CLING to it. Tell your parents that it is traditional for the GROOM’S parents to plan and host the rehearsal dinner, and that you have no wish to dishonor them by dividing time between their event and another event. You want to show proper respect to your future parents-in-law. Tell them that and be kind and calm as you tell them.

It is very important that you leave your parents and cling to your husband. This is possibly a big step in doing just that–you have to walk away from what your parents are unwisely planning, and stand by your future husband, whose parents are doing things correctly.

If your parents can’t handle that–well–I’m sorry for you. I would suggest that you and your fiancé move far away from your parents as soon as you are possibly able to do so, because many marriages are stressed and even destroyed by interfering parents.
 
Cat said:
I agree with all of this.

BTW, OP–welcome to marriage! When you get married, you don’t just get a spouse–you get a new family, too. I admire your efforts to keep the peace.

My suggestion for you is to stick with U.S. tradition, in fact, CLING to it. Tell your parents that it is traditional for the GROOM’S parents to plan and host the rehearsal dinner, and that you have no wish to dishonor them by dividing time between their event and another event. You want to show proper respect to your future parents-in-law. Tell them that and be kind and calm as you tell them.

It is very important that you leave your parents and cling to your husband. This is possibly a big step in doing just that–you have to walk away from what your parents are unwisely planning, and stand by your future husband, whose parents are doing things correctly.

If your parents can’t handle that–well–I’m sorry for you. I would suggest that you and your fiancé move far away from your parents as soon as you are possibly able to do so, because many marriages are stressed and even destroyed by interfering parents.
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Yup.
 
Hi, everyone! Thanks so much for your advice! I particularly liked Xantippe’s sample script, as well as ThyKingdomCome’s approach for my groom to handle a possible compromise conversation. I also really liked BlueEyedLady’s post. Here’s some added info:
  • My FILs really want the “just the bridal party” for a chance to connect with the group on a more personal level–my family lives several states away, but my parents honestly would rather reunite with our guests, who also live far away from them.
  • My parents are pretty insistent that for a select group of OOTers (her sisters, a couple super-close friends, totaling 10-20), they want not just a welcome dinner two nights before, but also to treat them to dinner the night before the wedding, too. At the same restaurant as the RD. I was already clear with her that my groom and I cannot divide our time between the two parties, so the two dinners should not be concurrent.
  • The gifts at the house thing was primarily to socialize further, maybe 1 more toast, and to show people our future home together–many are OOT, so this may be their only shot for a while. I see benefits to both sides, as I’m trying to get more creative and personal with the gifts than just the same pair of earrings. Our friends and siblings are doing a lot for us for this wedding, and I want to show our appreciation in a real nice way.
What I think we’ll do is first use a version of Xantippe’s script to talk to my parents first about doing things this way. If they want to treat people to dinner and socialize, we can guesstimate that maybe by 8 pm they can head back to the restaurant from the condo (or the function room to the dining area) to socialize with their special group (who maybe started their dinner earlier).

If that’s really a major issue with them, then we’ll flip the script and see if his parents can at least be understanding of my parents leaving early.

My last resort is to give them each other’s phone numbers to hash it out, because this is their problem with each other, and my parents did originally want to discuss it with them in person, but I didn’t want their first and only meeting so far fraught with tension. Also they’re both the types of parents who do not take well to their children (even as adults), telling them what to do, however nicely. I mean has anyone had a conversation go well telling their parents they’re rude or wrong?
 
This is the first time I’ve ever heard of out-of-town guests taking part in the rehearsal dinner. In my experience, ONLY the wedding party, parents and grandparents participate in the rehearsal dinner.

That being said, the bride’s family DO have the option of hosting a wedding breakfast or luncheon on the day before or the day of the wedding, if the wedding is being held in the evening. Or they may have a party on the day after the wedding for the out-of-town guests. This is really dependent on whether they can afford to do so.

Put your foot down – don’t let your parents dictate to you on YOUR wedding.
 
siena_avila said:
My last resort is to give them each other’s phone numbers to hash it out, because this is their problem with each other, and my parents did originally want to discuss it with them in person, but I didn’t want their first and only meeting so far fraught with tension. Also they’re both the types of parents who do not take well to their children (even as adults), telling them what to do, however nicely. I mean has anyone had a conversation go well telling their parents they’re rude or wrong?
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Oh my goodness, so true!

If you do do the phone number thing, prepare the nuclear fallout shelters. But at least you won’t be involved.
 
Magdalen2013 said:
This is the first time I’ve ever heard of out-of-town guests taking part in the rehearsal dinner. In my experience, ONLY the wedding party, parents and grandparents participate in the rehearsal dinner.

That being said, the bride’s family DO have the option of hosting a wedding breakfast or luncheon on the day before or the day of the wedding, if the wedding is being held in the evening. Or they may have a party on the day after the wedding for the out-of-town guests. This is really dependent on whether they can afford to do so.

Put your foot down – don’t let your parents dictate to you on YOUR wedding.
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Very good post, Magdalen.

Dear Bride-to-Be: Sounds like you actually want to facilitate all the extra gatherings. Well, bless your heart. If you have the energy, more power to you! I wouldn’t suggest relieving yourself of your responsibility to be the manager of the wedding, though. Having your parents and parents-in-law hash out plans above your head seems to be shirking your responsibility and and a bit childish. It could create some unnecessary conflict…like, maybe your parents are overbearing and you are going to throw your future in-laws in the lions den with them to hash out details? Where does that get you? You think your in-laws are going to sympathize with you? No way. They’ll be resentful that you didn’t stand up to your parents, yourself.
 
Have you considered sitting down with both sets of parents and discussing this? Sure, it’s your wedding. Sure, etiquette says the groom’s parents decide who gets invited to the rehearsal dinner. But etiquette should never trump relationships. Start from the place where you assume that both sets of parents have good motives for why they want things done a certain way. Assuming right off the bat that they are just being pushy or trying to get their way is going to set the stage for full-on contact.

My husband and I didn’t leave for our honeymoon away until the Monday after our wedding. We stayed in an undisclosed hotel close to home on Saturday night and then spent Sunday with our out-of-town guests. Our rehearsal dinner was only for our bridal party and immediate family, then we were able to have breakfast with our out-of-town guests before they headed out and it gave us some time to unwind before the trip.

Most of our out-of-town guests stayed with other family members. But, at a college friends’ wedding where we all stayed at the hotel, the bride’s brother arranged for us to have access to a meeting room at the hotel where we could all gather and hang out after the wedding. That was a wonderful plan and we were thankful he thought of us!
 
When my son got married, I paid for the rehearsal dinner. Those in the wedding and their girlfriend or boyfriend or wife or husband or parents were also invited. Bride, groom, 2 sets of parents, ring bearer and parents, flower girl and parents, bridesmaids and spouse or boyfriends and groomsmen and wives or girlfriends.

It was pricey, and since I’m a widow, I did not expect any one other than the above, and they were the only ones who attended. However, had the brides family wanted more people, they could have paid for them, but the venue where it was held was not big enough for a bunch of extra people.

My son and his fiancee both handed out gifts to the wedding party. It took like 10 minutes total, not a big deal.

I believe that the tradition is that the grooms family pay for the rehearsal dinner and the brides parents pay for the wedding and the groom pays for the honeymoon. At least, that’s how my son’s wedding went. 🙂
 
gh4 said:
When my son got married, I paid for the rehearsal dinner. Those in the wedding and their girlfriend or boyfriend or wife or husband or parents were also invited. Bride, groom, 2 sets of parents, ring bearer and parents, flower girl and parents, bridesmaids and spouse or boyfriends and groomsmen and wives or girlfriends.

It was pricey, and since I’m a widow, I did not expect any one other than the above, and they were the only ones who attended. However, had the brides family wanted more people, they could have paid for them, but the venue where it was held was not big enough for a bunch of extra people.

My son and his fiancee both handed out gifts to the wedding party. It took like 10 minutes total, not a big deal.

I believe that the tradition is that the grooms family pay for the rehearsal dinner and the brides parents pay for the wedding and the groom pays for the honeymoon. At least, that’s how my son’s wedding went. 🙂
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Yes–that’s a fairly traditional split.
 
I think the bride’s parents are being unreasonable but as a compromise why can’t the entire group be together for the dinner and each set of parents pay for their guests? Do the gift giving at the dinner.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
But this really isn’t just about the bride and her parents. It’s also about the relationship between the two families, the couple’s future relationship with her extended family, her extended family’s view of the groom, etc. It’s a wedding, it’s about two families coming together. The bride’s family should understand that this is the groom’s family’s thing, but the groom’s family should be sensitive to the bride’s family too. I just don’t see this as something worth fighting about. Weddings are supposed to be happy.
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:amen:
Cat said:
I would suggest that you and your fiancé move far away from your parents as soon as you are possibly able to do so, because many marriages are stressed and even destroyed by interfering parents.
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Whoa. Starting out a marriage with the assumption that parents are “interfering” is a sure recipe for a broken relationship! I strongly believe that one of the reasons that divorce has become so prevalent, even in the Church, is that families move far away from their extended family and don’t see their parents and grandparents as a resource for building a strong marriage. There is a fine line between leave & cleave and completely breaking the bond of family. Charity - and assuming the best of people - begins at home!
 
It’s wedding drama like this that makes most couples realize the value of only marrying once in life!

Most families are ridiculously set in their ways and it is very common to get family members that try to run the show for the bride and groom. On the plus side, you are not alone. Just try to keep people somewhat happy (they will never be completely happy) and most importantly keep yourself and your soon to be husband happy by remembeing that all of this WILL pass. This drama will blow over. You only have to plan this one wedding while dealing with their shenanigans. The parties and the traditions are just a side dish. The real point of the wedding day is the Sacrament and the lifelong commitment.
 
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