Need help talking to husband about NFP

[cymonk]

I am so sorry for your situation. Below, I started trying to make a point and then it kinda rolled into a bunch of ideas, and finally it ended up sounding like a crazy idea altogether. But hopefully it might still be helpful to you. I know I have already mentioned some of this, so sorry if I am repeating. And I repeat some things in this post itself. I am just trying to put out various ideas to help you and I don’t feel I have been expressing my point well. You’ll have to excuse me, since I am a man n all.

Judging from when I was lost with my sexuality… It will be very hard to change his heart. Like you said, it did not even phase him. Just as the idea of giving up porn did not even phase me. His conscience is not formed. God takes a big part in this, so pray as if it were all him.

In the mean time, be honest about how you feel inside about things. I really don’t think any amount of saying “Do it because the church says so” is going to work. He would need to have a lot deeper trust of the church to have that work. (This may be something to encourage him with by asking him to attend retreats n such, but it may take a long time.)

One main weapon God gives you (besides faith) is your husband’s love for you. When you love someone, you do not want to hurt them. This is why I gave up looking at magazines… for the love of a woman. It was a long hard road to get myself to believe (2 years), but I assure you I believe it fully now. To be honest in my case, it did not happen because I felt over whelming love for her and just wanted to do it, but rather because she would have left if I did not. But this is also before my showed me what an overwhelming love can do to me. I do believe that this way would work as well but it will call for a lot from you (all replaced by God). First I suggest you let him know there is a call.

So I mentioned in my suggestion earlier to be honest with letting him know that it hurts you. Even if his conscience does not feel it, yours does. Eventually he will catch on that something is wrong with what you are both doing. You can not ‘make love’ purely if you are being hurt each time. He may not bend because of the church… but he may be willing to try it if he knows it will make you happier.

The second part of this is making him feel like loving you. The natural response to someone loving you is to love them back. So love him. This is the crazy part… go above and beyond for him in every other way. Make him the center of everything. For help on this, I would definitely suggest reading “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. Pray and channel all God’s love you can to your husband. He will give you strength. Do not expect an immediate result. Do not say that you are doing it in exchange for getting what you want. Just love as hard as you can as a response to God loving you. This is a part of my relationships I missed up until my wife showed me how.

Ideas: If you ask for a period of “fasting” during lent as a Christmas present, then as a birthday present, then as a ‘sweetest day’ present, then as an anniversary present, he will get the point, even if you are not allowed to mention it on a regular basis. Or for that matter, even if you ask for the gift, “Please pray about the idea of fasting it for 40 days.” If he REALLY doesn’t want you to talk about ‘nfp’ then when he comes to ask about what you want for your birthday, be hesitant to tell him… “It is something that you don’t want to talk about.” The point will get across in a husband ‘safe’ manner.

In this way, you are not bugging him, but he will know that there is nothing else more important to you. Additionally, it is appealing to his love for you. You are not using the authority of the church. You are being real about what it is doing to the inside of you. Men are meant to sacrifice, even if they wont for the church because they are blinded, they likely will for love.

Another idea… I have heard from several women how much of a light blogging can be to others. My wife’s blog has really helped her with our struggles with infertility. It connected her to others going through the same thing. (Giving her both support and an outlet) This is a common issue, there is likely some really good/helpful blogs out there. In addition, might be a good idea for you to start one of your own.

Take faith and keep praying… It is important to use God as your source of strength and hope. This issue could take 20 years to sort out. The important thing is your encounter with God through it all. (Yeah I know it may sound crazy to do for 20 years but through this manner of living, you will grow a lot closer to God, which is really the whole point).

Okies… enough rambling/blurting/spewing on this post.

God Bless you and your marriage.

Cymonk

 

[ab75]

As a male, I’m on the opposite side of this. I love my wife, who I feel is a strong Christian mother, however I’m facing a few issues. 1) While she is Catholic, she is skeptical due to her experiences in Catholic schools of nuns telling her she’s going to Hell for wearing make-up, while some priests there were having relationships with males. She instinctively believes the Church is the closest form of Christianity, and understands that sinfull leaders at times dosn’t mean everything is wrong, or that any teachings are necessarily wrong, but adds additional skepticism. 2) She had many difficulties with her first pregnancies that included a c-section and long hospital stay, and her Catholic doctors at the Catholic hospital basically forbid her from being pregnant for some time. In addition, when we asked about NFP, the “Catholic” doctor simply said it wasn’t very effective, and her good friend did have an unwanted pregnancy so she’s skeptical. 3) The good news, is she does love children, and wants many. While she feels she’s only called to have 2 - 3 naturally due to her issues, she does understand that God may call her to have more, and is very much talking about possibly adopting after.

I guess all I’m saying is, it is a difficult issue for many couples, and prayers would be helpful.

I also will say, my own insecurity and sin makes it more difficult for me to have this discussion more often. I feel like if she lives a better Christian life than I do, and I’m not setting the best example, it’s hypocritical for me to make this the biggest issue in out life.

 

[cymonk]

Thanks for posting ab75 and welcome to the forums! I can not speak yet from personal experience as to the effectiveness of NFP methods to avoid pregnancies as we have only used it to acheive thus far. Which method were they talking about? Sympto Thermal? Billings? Marquet? We used the Creighton Model and feel quite confident in it. This is a hard cross that you have and I am not sure the answer other than to take faith and offer the cross up to God. I will definitely pray for you.

Pax Christi,
Cymonk

 

[ac_claire]

What a rough situation! I really feel for you.

All I can think of is to tell him straight out that you fell used and disconnected from him when he will only have sex with you with a condom. Don’t bend on that point; make sure he understands that this is how you feel, and it hurts you deeply. And that there is nothing he can do for you or say to you to make it better, as long as he insists on the condoms. If he really loves you like he should, this will not sit well with him and hopefully he will eventually come around. Maybe not because he suddenly trusts the Church’s position on artificial birth control, but because he can’t stand to continue to hurt you and make you feel used like this.

 

[cymonk]

What a rough situation! I really feel for you.

All I can think of is to tell him straight out that you fell used and disconnected from him when he will only have sex with you with a condom. Don’t bend on that point; make sure he understands that this is how you feel, and it hurts you deeply. And that there is nothing he can do for you or say to you to make it better, as long as he insists on the condoms. If he really loves you like he should, this will not sit well with him and hopefully he will eventually come around. Maybe not because he suddenly trusts the Church’s position on artificial birth control, but because he can’t stand to continue to hurt you and make you feel used like this.

Yeah… what she said. Thanks for stating it in little clearer way.