Need help with angry wife

[Kepha15]

I’m having have an issue I’m not sure how to deal with right now. When my wife and I get into arguments, she has tended lately to begin getting violent. Not necessarily toward me, but just in general in terms of throwing things around, trashing our home, slamming things, etc. The fights are never over serious things, just your average, everyday, mundane things that every normal couple fights about. And we don’t really fight often, so I don’t want this to sound like we’re constantly fighting. But when she loses her temper, it’s been getting worse and worse. The last fight we had (I don’t even remember what it was about), she emptied all the clothes in my dressor on the floor, threw the drawers out (breaking one of them), and trashed my work desk, throwing everything on the floor all over the room. By the time she was done, it looked like we had been robbed.

Like I said, the violence hasn’t normally been directed at me, although a few times she has thrown things at me (such as keys that narrowly missed my face) and tried to push me out of her way. And I once got water thrown in my face. I have already talked to her about this when she was calm, and she acknowledges that it is wrong and she shouldn’t do it, but the next time she always does. I have even said to her that she should take anger management, but that just makes her angrier. I know she’s not a bad person, but frankly, I’m out of ideas. She either can’t control her anger when she’s mad, or she just won’t. I’m a level-headed person generally, so I don’t really know what it’s like to lose all control like that. Is it possible for a person to just physically not be able to reason in that state? Or am I expecting too much for her to just be able to change?

Again, just to clarify, I don’t feel as though I’m in any danger, so I’m not looking for answers like “call the police” or “get a divorce/separation.” Thanks for the advice!

 

[dulcissima]

Even though you don’t feel like you are in danger, this is a domestic violence situation, and her behavior is unacceptable.

Do you have children?

 

[cheese_sdc]

Counseling.

 

[MJE]

My immediate thought was pent up anger. And a tru-ism *unattended hurt turns to anger. *

 

[Kepha15]

Even though you don’t feel like you are in danger, this is a domestic violence situation, and her behavior is unacceptable.

Do you have children?

No children.

 

[former_Catholic]

You might find something helpful in what I just wrote about my Aunt to “need advice on how to help adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse” thread. What you describe is not anger, (anger is a defensive protecting emotion), what you are describing is rage (a somewhat less than conscious, irrational, and inappropriately attacking, overwhelmingly destructive emotion). The sort of rage you describe here is very often the outward venting/re-creation of seriously buried/denied/forgotten issues of childhood abuse triggered off by events and interactions in the present day.

 

[dachsiemom2]

You might find something helpful in what I just wrote about my Aunt to “need advice on how to help adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse” thread. What you describe is not anger, (anger is a defensive protecting emotion), what you are describing is rage (a somewhat less than conscious, irrational, and inappropriately attacking, overwhelmingly destructive emotion). The sort of rage you describe here is very often the outward venting/re-creation of seriously buried/denied/forgotten issues of childhood abuse triggered off by events and interactions in the present day.

I agree with above. Sounds like she has some deep seated issues and needs professional help - before the rage escalates and someone is hurt.

 

[FickleFreckled]

It could also be a side of depression. Maybe she’s good at hiding depression and you haven’t been aware of it?

 

[dachsiemom2]

It could also be a side of depression. Maybe she’s good at hiding depression and you haven’t been aware of it?

My second thought was that she could be suffering from depression. Sounds like she could benefit from an evaluation.

 

[dulcissima]

No children.

Clearly this is not a situation you can bring children into. How long have you been married?

If she acknowledges that her behavior is wrong, why is she unwilling to do something to address it?

And by the way, I don’t know that anger management is what is best. Probably individual and marriage counseling would be the best approach.

As far as what you can do…stay calm and don’t get sucked into it. It is never about what they are raging about. Someone with those kinds of issues is going to have them no matter what you do. The most important thing you can do is to calmly let her know that her behavior is unacceptable. Then go out of the room or out of the house, letting her know that you will discuss it with her when she has calmed down. I’m sure that a therapist can give you more detailed advice, but that is the general sort of advice that I have been given by my counselor.

 

[kage_ar]

See a doctor and see a priest.

 

[jmcrae]

I’m having have an issue I’m not sure how to deal with right now. When my wife and I get into arguments, she has tended lately to begin getting violent. Not necessarily toward me, but just in general in terms of throwing things around, trashing our home, slamming things, etc. The fights are never over serious things, just your average, everyday, mundane things that every normal couple fights about. And we don’t really fight often, so I don’t want this to sound like we’re constantly fighting. But when she loses her temper, it’s been getting worse and worse. The last fight we had (I don’t even remember what it was about), she emptied all the clothes in my dressor on the floor, threw the drawers out (breaking one of them), and trashed my work desk, throwing everything on the floor all over the room. By the time she was done, it looked like we had been robbed.

Like I said, the violence hasn’t normally been directed at me, although a few times she has thrown things at me (such as keys that narrowly missed my face) and tried to push me out of her way. And I once got water thrown in my face. I have already talked to her about this when she was calm, and she acknowledges that it is wrong and she shouldn’t do it, but the next time she always does. I have even said to her that she should take anger management, but that just makes her angrier. I know she’s not a bad person, but frankly, I’m out of ideas. She either can’t control her anger when she’s mad, or she just won’t. I’m a level-headed person generally, so I don’t really know what it’s like to lose all control like that. Is it possible for a person to just physically not be able to reason in that state? Or am I expecting too much for her to just be able to change?

Again, just to clarify, I don’t feel as though I’m in any danger, so I’m not looking for answers like “call the police” or “get a divorce/separation.” Thanks for the advice!

If nothing is done, this will escalate into domestic violence, and you will be in danger. I don’t know what the fights are about, but she really, really feels the need to have her own way, to the point of making you feel threatened, in order to get it.

Both of you need to call in the help of a professional, to get to the root of whatever it is that’s bothering her, and to meet the core need that seems to be unmet, here.

Anger management may or may not be the issue, here. If she is usually very charming, and never has any kind of issues when she’s around other people, then the problem is not anger management; it’s probably more of a control issue, where she feels that the only way to get her own way is to throw a tantrum like this.

 

[flyingfish]

When she gets that way, be the sane person and walk away, lock the door behind you and don’t interact with her until she calms down.

I have done the kinds of things your wife does (not to the extent you described, but I’ve punched holes in walls, I’ve broken drawers, I’ve thrown things). I think it’s biological, I have very intense emotions and I can get very angry and agitated. When I get that way, I feel intense rage and agitation and it’s not really a choice to feel that way. It feels very unpleasant/biochemical.

Think about what you are doing to contribute to her snapping. She has that intense response, but to what? Even when I get really agitated and feel rage the person I’m arguing with would still have to do something pretty bad to make me react. You have to be contributing to her reaction, so stop whatever it is you do.

 

[kage_ar]

From reading some of your earlier posts, it looks like you have been married no more than a year?

Is her family violent? Ask her dad, did she pitch big fits when she was at home?

You really need to sit down with a priest - the one who did your pre marriage counseling would be a great idea - and get to the bottom of this NOW.

 

[jmcrae]

When she gets that way, be the sane person and walk away, lock the door behind you and don’t interact with her until she calms down.

This is good advice.

You have to be contributing to her reaction, so stop whatever it is you do.

Unless he is actually provoking her on purpose, this isn’t all that helpful. She needs to learn to deal with people as they are, calmly. She is the only person who can control her own reactions - and chances are, she’s not “losing her temper” so much as she is using her anger as a means of getting her own way.

 

[flyingfish]

Unless he is actually provoking her on purpose, this isn’t all that helpful. She needs to learn to deal with people as they are, calmly. She is the only person who can control her own reactions - and chances are, she’s not “losing her temper” so much as she is using her anger as a means of getting her own way.

Even if he isn’t doing it on purpose, he might still be doing things that are really irritating his wife. I have that kind of a personality, and I don’t use anger to get my own way. I can really have a very intense reaction where I feel like destroying everything around me (and sometimes I will break things, throw things, hit things, sometimes I’ll hit myself, I threw myself down the stairs once out of intense frustration). I realize my typing this makes me sound insane, but these things happened only a few times in my life. I am generally calm and stable.

I did most of those things when I was a teen, and in large part because I had a father who was verbally abusive and otherwise a difficult person to live with. He would stress me out a lot, and provoke that kind of a reaction in me. That is why I suggested to the OP that he might be doing things to provoke his wife to react that way.

Now that I am no longer dealing with that, I am much calmer. I still get intense moods, and I can still feel very intense rage. It is beyond my control. Relaxation techniques don’t help very well.

 

[jmcrae]

Even if he isn’t doing it on purpose, he might still be doing things that are really irritating his wife. I have that kind of a personality, and I don’t use anger to get my own way. I can really have a very intense reaction where I feel like destroying everything around me (and sometimes I will break things, throw things, hit things, sometimes I’ll hit myself, I threw myself down the stairs once out of intense frustration). I realize my typing this makes me sound insane, but these things happened only a few times in my life. I am generally calm and stable.

I did most of those things when I was a teen, and in large part because I had a father who was verbally abusive and otherwise a difficult person to live with. He would stress me out a lot, and provoke that kind of a reaction in me.

On purpose, though - you got angry because he was needling and teasing and poking and digging at you in a purposeful attempt to drive you crazy. It’s not like he was just going about his day, and then suddenly for no apparent reason you just blew up. He was doing and saying things to you on purpose to provoke you.

That is why I suggested to the OP that he might be doing things to provoke his wife to react that way.

I am just saying that it’s not really possible to do that by accident. If he were provoking her, he would know it.

Now that I am no longer dealing with that, I am much calmer.

Which proves my point. When people are just being their normal selves, you’re fine - you have no difficulty controlling yourself.

I still get intense moods, and I can still feel very intense rage. It is beyond my control. Relaxation techniques don’t help very well.

Relaxation techniques don’t work. What you need is to find a way to meet the need that isn’t being met. What’ causes someone to be angry is that they perceive a need that is not being met, and until that need is met, they’ll continue to be angry. Counting to ten backwards doesn’t cause the need to be met.

 

[dulcissima]

Even if he isn’t doing it on purpose, he might still be doing things that are really irritating his wife. I have that kind of a personality, and I don’t use anger to get my own way. I can really have a very intense reaction where I feel like destroying everything around me (and sometimes I will break things, throw things, hit things, sometimes I’ll hit myself, I threw myself down the stairs once out of intense frustration). I realize my typing this makes me sound insane, but these things happened only a few times in my life. I am generally calm and stable.

I did most of those things when I was a teen, and in large part because I had a father who was verbally abusive and otherwise a difficult person to live with. He would stress me out a lot, and provoke that kind of a reaction in me. That is why I suggested to the OP that he might be doing things to provoke his wife to react that way.

Now that I am no longer dealing with that, I am much calmer. I still get intense moods, and I can still feel very intense rage. It is beyond my control. Relaxation techniques don’t help very well.

I was in an abusive marriage and my older children seem to have such issues, at least at times. Have you had counseling at all? You really do need to find a way to get past that. You might not be able to control how you feel, but how you behave is absolutely a choice that you make.

And just so you know it, flyingfish, it was not your fault, the way that your father acted. Nobody should have to walk on eggshells just to keep someone else from having violent fits. That’s just no way to live.

 

[flyingfish]

On purpose, though - you got angry because he was needling and teasing and poking and digging at you in a purposeful attempt to drive you crazy. It’s not like he was just going about his day, and then suddenly for no apparent reason you just blew up. He was doing and saying things to you on purpose to provoke you.

Not really, to this day, he will not admit that he was ever abusive. I think in his mind he sincerely believes he did nothing wrong. He might even believe that he was doing what was in my best interest. I don’t know how it’s possible for him to believe this, but my father is not completely sane.

I am just saying that it’s not really possible to do that by accident. If he were provoking her, he would know it.

I don’t think he has to be deliberately doing it. Maybe he gets on her case about something and doesn’t stop, until she gets really irritated and snaps.

you’re fine - you have no difficulty controlling yourself.

Unfortunately that’s not true. It’s hard to describe what I feel, if you’ve never felt intense agitation and rage and I don’t know if you will understand. It’s a feeling where every little sound is irritating beyond belief, and makes me want to smash things, it’s a feeling of being unable to sit still and relax, sometimes I can feel intense stress and feel dizzy and nauseous.

It feels very chemical to me, unfortunately it’s the way my brain works.

 

[mark_a]

I’m having have an issue I’m not sure how to deal with right now. When my wife and I get into arguments, she has tended lately to begin getting violent. Not necessarily toward me, but just in general in terms of throwing things around, trashing our home, slamming things, etc. The fights are never over serious things, just your average, everyday, mundane things that every normal couple fights about. And we don’t really fight often, so I don’t want this to sound like we’re constantly fighting. But when she loses her temper, it’s been getting worse and worse. The last fight we had (I don’t even remember what it was about), she emptied all the clothes in my dressor on the floor, threw the drawers out (breaking one of them), and trashed my work desk, throwing everything on the floor all over the room. By the time she was done, it looked like we had been robbed.

Like I said, the violence hasn’t normally been directed at me, although a few times she has thrown things at me (such as keys that narrowly missed my face) and tried to push me out of her way. And I once got water thrown in my face. I have already talked to her about this when she was calm, and she acknowledges that it is wrong and she shouldn’t do it, but the next time she always does. I have even said to her that she should take anger management, but that just makes her angrier. I know she’s not a bad person, but frankly, I’m out of ideas. She either can’t control her anger when she’s mad, or she just won’t. I’m a level-headed person generally, so I don’t really know what it’s like to lose all control like that. Is it possible for a person to just physically not be able to reason in that state? Or am I expecting too much for her to just be able to change?

Again, just to clarify, I don’t feel as though I’m in any danger, so I’m not looking for answers like “call the police” or “get a divorce/separation.” Thanks for the advice!

Not to oversimplify, but if it’s a self control issue, fasting is a great way to learn self control.

A closed head injury can also cause these symptoms. Any accidents (auto, maybe)spring to mind?

Keep a close eye on the calendar, if you know what I mean. (PMS)